July 23, 2020
The inspiration for this writing was watching this full 8 minute version of the song Returning by Jennifer Berezan. (Click to view)
I feel to share my full experience with this song.
My first introduction was late 2013. It was played during a Yoga class. I attended once a week for about a year. I was so moved by the song that I stayed after class to inquire about it. I recognized the knowingness in the instructor, the twinkle in his eye as he understood the significance of the song. I purchased it on itunes. It would come up regularly on a shuffle. Sometimes I would enjoy it. Other times I skipped over it. Surprised at the varied responses (and resistance) to the song over the years.
Somewhere along the way, I chose to explore its origins on Jennifer Berezan’s website. (Click to view)
“Recorded in the Oracle Chamber in the Hypogeum at Hal Saflieni, Malta, A 6000 year old temple made for sound. . Evoking the lineage of ancient singing Priestesses, Jennifer weaves together a rich musical tapestry. A unique and beautiful blend of some of the world’s most profound sacred musical traditions. Timeless and Contemporary.“
Music truly is the Doctor. For me anyway.
Cue to November 9, 2019.
Space was held for me by two beautiful spirits, women, in an MDMA journey. We spent one day visiting The Integretron and Joshua Tree National Park. The second day was dedicated to the medicine journey. See an MDMA-Assisted Therapy Session. Click to view a 5 minute video on the subject. The song, Returning, curated with great care along with others, was the one playing as the MDMA kicked in. Wow! A peak moment.
Not the first in this life.
A simplified way to consider the effects of the medicine is that it turns off the amygdala, the source of generating fear. So essentially, it turns off fear. Oh what a feeling! I was surprised in many ways.
One, that I have been in that state many times before. Some of them have led to me being incarcerated against my will in a Psychiatric ward. What medicine calls psychosis. I prefer the terms altered consciousness or out of the ordinary experience. I have come to see these states as a kind of rotor rooter where all of the traumas (of this and other lifestreams) are flushed out. What an epic mess we have when these experiences are epically misunderstood. Hence, fully unsupported. Adding further trauma to the already traumatized human being. I authentically shared that I felt “epically misunderstood” with a Psychiatrist on my 3rd of 3 incarcerations. She proceeded to sign the legal documents that deemed me “unfit to make medical decisions for myself”. It’s a shitshow people.
I share many versions of that whole story on both of my websites. Living documents. This website and the Beauvera, Beautiful Truth, site. It is on the Beauvera site where I collect all of my Facebook Pages, linked on the site. I crosslink as I feel to. Facebook has been a personal therapist for me, but also like a huge spreadsheet where I can collect my passions and resonant ideas into categories. It is a carefully crafted web of all that I explore. When the unsustainable system of systems has nothing for me, I find my own therapy. Sometimes my own words channeled through me. Sometimes the words of others when they resonate so clearly. Requires careful curation and a high intention for optimal self-awareness. I am as aware as I am. Haha.
I jest, yet feel free to take me seriously. I have come to believe that a huge threshold available for every human being is to transcend judgment. Not the most straightforward task. Our subconscious mind is ripe with programming. Our natural state transcends judgment. I have discovered so much freedom and love for myself in the simple practice that I demonstrated above. Any adjective we might chose for ourselves threatens to judge. The English language is dualistic by its very nature. One is well served to master the use of the English language without judging, self or others. It is a journey.
I am as beautiful as I am.
I am as compassionate as I am.
I am as understanding as I am.
I am as angry as I am.
I am as sad as I am.
I am as loving as I am.
I am as powerful as I am.
I am as fragile as I am.
I am as vulnerable as I am.
I am as sensitive as I am.
I am as intelligent as I am.
I am as creative as I am.
I am as motivated as I am.
You get the picture.
Observe how you think and what you say.
Do they match? A rough idea of how congruent you are. How coherent you are. By coherent, I am referring to an energetic state of being. Smooth flow of energy through our multidimensional self system. (Mind, body, emotions, spirit). It might be useful to find a way to measure this. I am not sure if it exists yet. But would it not be handy to measure a politician, find his lack of coherence, and choose to not allow incoherent people to hold positions of power? A Physics of Consciousness concept. Many skilled psychics could perform this task. A team of 5 might increase the safety, in case of a rogue practitioner. In this world, each individual holds greater and lesser unresolved trauma. To put too much power in any one pair of hands risks a lack of balance. The challenges are many. What if a high proportion of people are living with unresolved trauma? It is so common it is interpreted as normal. Yet our world is based on the religion of Science. Not a typo. I will not elaborate here.
We are all coming online where telepathy (for lack of a better word) is fully functioning. This is due to changing energies we are being exposed to based on the earth’s trajectory in the Universe. I will not elaborate.
How transparent can we all be? Soon, we may have no other choice.
A great time to practice this now.
Be aware of where you judge yourself and others.
Be aware of where you feel triggered by others: either what they say or what they do. Explore those triggers. Can you own them? Can you discover the source? The more we all do this, the more harmonious we can be.
I know this can sound a bit like an education. This is how I handle myself. And I am very pleased with the results.
It can be lonely, until it isn’t.
I had a Eureka moment recently listening to Adrienne Elise discussing self-care. I would love to post the video but it is in a private membership group. She helped me to integrate the concept that as we return to our true loving nature, we become much more sensitive. We feel all the feelings.
With the world churning as it is right now, so much unresolved trauma in every individual, it can be excruciating for the sensitized soul. We need to recognize this and find ways to balance having empathy for others without being overwhelmed feeling all of THEIR feelings. It is huge.
To me it explains so much about the current challenges in connecting with others. Each at their own stage of evolution. Many not so willing to consider who they truly are. It is a madhouse. Literally.
Back to the Second surprise from my medicine journey:
Just before the fear released, I felt fear so great, so illogical, so overwhelming. I could not cope. It truly did not make any sense. It piqued my curiosity, that is for sure. Like a booby trap set within my own mind. Why? To prevent me from knowing the truth of who I am? I can only include the questions. The answers are in process. I felt that level of fear at a few other times in life. Blooms of fear would rise up during my altered states/psychosis. My logical mind is a force to be reckoned with. I deeply feel the importance of knowledge outside logic, yet there is a battle that crops up in my mind regularly. I have simply decided to call it a “booby trap”. I am more interested in a true conversation about the challenges of being a human being than feeling a need to come up with any answers. I see one of humanities biggest challenges is the recurring habit to jump on answers, and then stop all inquiry. It could be the death of us.
The Illusion of Knowledge. Scares me. And is the basis of all of my fear.
I am under no obligation to be understood by you.
Quite the paradox.
Jumping out of a perfectly functioning plane, strapped to the chest of a guy who had done it about 8000 times before. I did that. March 2012.
Metaphor for life. Watch 5 minute video here, (click on title) Goofball alert! The fear I felt as I was scootching across the empty bench, attached to the pro with 4 strong links, after a plane full of experienced skydivers ran out, their 4th or 5th jump of the day – It was about 1pm- was massive. Massive fear. I felt like my mouth was filled with cotton balls. It was drier than I had ever experienced. I felt like I could not breath, I could not swallow. I was in suspended animation. I was amazed at the videographer clinging onto the wing, awaiting the capture of my exit of the plane. I know that if left to my own devices, I would NOT have jumped out. The plan was set. I was pushed out by my tandem friend for the day. Yet … the nanosecond my foot was no longer touching the plane, it was full on fun and exhilaration. What is all that about? I absolutely loved the experience. What a contrast! The fear was so real, so illogical. I would like to understand that better. How much of our world systems is based in this illogical fear. Truly. Inquiring minds want to know.
I must admit that it pains me to watch myself prior to exit. The fear I see makes me uncomfortable. Is that why we human beings trigger each other so much? Deep down, we see the fear in each other? It is uncomfortable. I now wish to come to a better understanding of the human experience. How do we make the unconscious, conscious? The million dollar question. Onwards.
Lemurian Home Coming, by Anders Holte. Click title to hear another of the powerful songs I heard during my November 2019 Medicine Journey.
The most soothing song … I have ever heard.
From a Kaptive Jypsy Facebook Page February 14, 2020 post:
Love can take many forms.
The Greeks talked about this.
They had a deep understanding of LOVE; they had distinctions about love that can shed light into our relationships, bringing greater clarity, joy, passion, and meaning into our lives.
Eros (ἔρως érōs) is romantic, sexual, passionate erotic love. This kind of tantalizing love is all about the pleasures of the flesh. When it is imbalanced it becomes lust. Eros is about physical attraction and beauty. In order to sustain this carnal love, it’s essential to couple it with the other expressions of love below.
Philia (φιλία philía) is deep friendship, the affectionate love we have with friends. It’s brotherly and sisterly love founded on a sense of equality and loyalty. Real friends support each other; they communicate openly. They hold each other up and relate in a way that inspires one another. When imbalanced, it becomes codependent.
Philautia (φίλαυτος) is self love. Before we can really love another, it’s essential to authentically love and care for ourselves, and feel comfortable in our own skin. There is a balanced and imbalanced expression. The imbalance is vanity and narcissism; the balanced is self-compassion and embracing all aspects of ourselves — the light and shadow.
Ludus is playful love. It’s frisky, flirtatious love that expresses itself as lighthearted teasing. It’s fun! Bringing a joyful sense of childlike innocence, and a tinge of Eros. When you experience Ludus you feel the juicy spark of excitement! When out of balance, it can express itself as insincere and fickle.
Pragma is a longstanding love. This expression of love has matured over time. We see this expression of love in couples and friendships that have withstood the test of time. It’s practical and cooperative, with qualities of patience and acceptance. When imbalanced it leads to rigid expectations.
Storge (στοργή) is familial love, such as the love and affection that a parent has for a child, and vice versa. It is unconditional; it has a strong sense of commitment and responsibility. The imbalanced expression is smothering a child, influencing their path in a way that is not authentic to them, and creating undue dependence.
Agape (ἀγάπη) is Divine love. Love for everyone; unconditional, selfless love. This is spiritual love; the highest form of love. It expresses itself as infinite compassion. It has nothing to do with conditions. It is transcendent and all-encompassing.
And the English language attempts to stuff aaaall of this … into one word.
No wonder we are so confused.
I know I sure am.
A big download came in for me just as I thought I was complete.
I was reminded of how the bloom of fear brings to mind the stage of delivering a baby called the “transition phase”. I had noted this immediately following the journey itself. To discuss new concepts, it is helpful when useful analogies are discovered. Maybe it is not new. Better termed “not within the common collective awareness”.
I am a retired Family Physician so I have witnessed quite a number of births in addition to experiencing my own 3 children’s births.
I needed to refresh my memory via a google search. My first guess to describe this phase of labor was “quickening”. Yet that is when the mother consciously feels the first movements of the fetus within her body.
I found a link for the Stages of Labor. See below for the relevant section Copy/Pasted.
What to do:
During this phase, the mother will rely heavily on her support person. This is the most challenging phase, but it is also the shortest. Try to think “one contraction at a time” (this may be hard to do if the contractions are very close together). Remember how far you have already come, and when you feel an urge to push, tell your health care provider.
What to expect:
- The transition will last about 30 min-2 hrs
- Your cervix will dilate from 8cm to 10cm
- Contractions during this phase will last about 60-90 seconds with a 30 second-2 minute rest in between
- Contractions are long, strong, intense, and can overlap
- This is the hardest phase but also the shortest
- You might experience hot flashes, chills, nausea, vomiting, or gas
- Tips for the support person:
- Offer lots of encouragement and praise
- Avoid small talk
- Continue breathing with her
- Help guide her through her contractions with encouragement
- Encourage her to relax between contractions
- Don’t think that there is something wrong if she seems to be angry – it is a normal part of the transition
To get to the point, I feel sooo many of us are stuck in the transition phase of birthing our true selves.
I think the tips for the support person are incredibly on point. Kind of the opposite of what most people receive in their experience.
This is a remembering of the Eureka moment I saw clearly after my medicine journey. Partly because I was still caught within the damn transition phase. Perhaps I still am.
Yet to use this analogy, it helps me to possibly explain to others so we can collaborate to come up with solutions to allow the natural process to occur. It appears to trigger fear in us. When we understand what this is, awareness is 90% of the journey there. The last 10% could occur in the blink of an eye. I have always known that. And yet … my fear keeps blocking my natural transition. Anybody else?
To spell it out:
In order to properly support another, it is often an individual with some experience themselves. Or possibly has witnessed graceful examples enough to have collected some wisdom. The natural panic that appears to be consistent – for reasons that I feel some light may soon shed upon- needs understanding before optimal care plans can be determined.
My sense: not so many with experience or wisdom in the natural evolution of a human being.
If you know where to look.
Yet, they have to be a bit wary. They will run into that illogical fear and panic. People can get hurt. Either party or both.
Fine-tuning of the intuition is our best defense as far as I can see.
Sounds easy. And yet … here we all are.
I will admit here also:
I was given a choice for a 2nd tablet of the medicine. I had nothing to base my decision on. I chose to not take it. I wonder how it might have gone if I had?
I am now a little fearful to ever have another medicine journey of any kind. Considering how much help I have received via the 4 Journeys, only this one with MDMA, it does not hold logic.
Fear of the unknown? Yet each time I get to the other side, it is kind of a Non-event. Because I just get closer to who I actually am. I am very familiar with myself as we all are with ourselves. The paradox again.
In a nutshell:
Too much brain entrainment.
Not enough connection to the heart intelligence. Yet.
We, as a society, are out of practice.
Things can change in a heartbeat.
Fear Factor (An article I wrote on the topic of fear years ago). Why does it feel so real?