January 4, 2015, a Saturday, I was completely surprised but tickled pink to receive a text from Mr. Brasil around 10pm. Just the text alone was more than I would have ever expected. We continued to playfully go back and forth via text. It was not long before a date was implied … to go skating. And then all of a sudden I am being invited right then … to the acreage. I was to redeem myself for my pirating of the movie Interstellar, the activity his text found me in. Past or no past, could not deny the excitement at seeing him again. Afterthought from him was to bring warm clothes and my skates. He had a pond just off his property that he had been clearing of snow to allow for skating. I looked up the weather forecast on my phone app: there was a cold weather warning out. -29 degrees Celcius, felt like -34 (mild windchill). Perfect! Ignore warnings. A hobby of mine. I excitedly collected my newest acquisitions from Camper’s Village. A red North Face uber-warm jacket that covers my derrière and my very first pair of Sorel boots. Not sure how a Canadian manages to thrive for 48 years without ever owning a pair of the superior thermal boots but I did. This pair was sparkly silver. I felt the ensemble was pretty smart looking … for any Inuit opportunities that might come along. My longtime hat with earflaps from LL Bean completed the look. He described my hat as “like an old lady”. He did not stop there but continued to recount seeing a lady at the grocery store that same day wearing a hat like mine. Let the deflation begin… Luckily, my Forrest Gump traits kick in at times like these. The comment was quickly left behind. Back to enjoying his company, which I thoroughly did as always.
We bundled up, he looking more the criminal now with his balaclava and ski goggles. I felt less equipped as my nose and cheeks were exposed. Checked off a Bucket List item that I had not been aware of. Ride on the back of an ATV, driven by a sexy beast, under a full moon at midnight in Beautiful rural Alberta at -30 degrees. Not a cloud to obscure the sky full of stars.(Coldplay) Breathtaking. The drive to the skating pond was a thrill – for me. Ho hum – for him. Kinda like our sex life … sadly. I think lame was a term that was cast about at one point. It is my middle name afterall. Claudette means lame or disabled. I have translated it to differently-abled for my writing, not sure the same translation works here. A great mystery to me. With scientific interest, I wanted to explore the mismatch. Defied logic to my perception. I have an active imagination and have hypotheses but my lips are sealed for now. What lurks beneath the surface? Something outside of ordinary experience? Just a hunch…
Whoops, back to the story. Narrow path. At times evergreen branches would sweep across us. Steep descent. Gravity pressing me into his back. Hang on, sweet Angel! That would be me talking to myself.
I treat myself like a queen. We walked around a little once at the site but headed back to camp shortly thereafter. He reminded me of myself when he stopped midway up the hill on the trail at a pile of chopped wood. His habit was not to waste a trip but to grab a load each time he goes by on the Quad, filling the front cargo. A hauling moment prevents a hauling day. The concept is an adaptation from a Norwex (ecofriendly cleaning product company… yes from Norway) sales rep’s sound advice “a cleaning moment prevents a cleaning day”. She taught me all the details and I used them in those two years that I cleaned my own house. It works! Back to the story.
Speed was fast going up, one large log flew off. Carry on. Our habits define us. He is very industrious: a get ‘er done kind of guy. Efficiency is celebrated. Gotta love that! While other men are discussing why something may not be possible, he would be half way done the job. That was my perception anyway. I did not know him all that well and only since August 2014. Busy schedules have found us together seldomly. But I know a good man when I see one. Similar to my best girlfriends. Large gaps occur in our meetups but we always pick up right where we left off. My girlfriends, that is. It was only after writing these words that the concept of how uncommonly this loving approach is applied in the more romantically/sexually charged friendships. A pity … Did you notice my gender neutral declaration? I celebrate diversity. I am so 2015!
My moment recognizing that “he was not that into me” had passed weeks before. After returning from my Brasil trip with strict orders not to raise my sexual energy, I was a bit standoffish with Mr. Brasil. He was aware of my unique detoxification instructions which included avoiding alcohol and a few other things, most notable sex, even with myself. We had plans to connect a few days before detox. ended. Somehow neither of us texted or called to specify the plans. Weeks passed. I followed my feelings and texted a Merry Christmas with the wish to share New Year’s Eve together. A day later, he texted Merry Christmas, have a nice trip. Noticeably absent was mention of future plans of any sort. Nuff said. I chose to let it go. I used the old stopwatch technique learned from Pema Chodron: no emotion felt fully can last longer than 90 seconds. In my experience, she had always been right. I had pretty much accepted it by then anyway. Just had the inspiration to let him know the bridge was not burned. Make no assumptions. Do not take it personally. Very important, clarify to myself how I feel and choose how I want to act upon my feelings. I was certain that he was the most eligible bachelor in the Edmonton region that I was aware of. I enjoyed spending time with him. I chose to send out the flare (the text). I respect his freedom to choose his response too. It takes two to Tango. Before Christmas, no sign of his desire to Tango.
January 4, 2015 curiosity was explored. I enjoyed the moments. The moment is king… always. Whether more moments come, time will tell. My sense is he does not really have very much extra time in his life. In this great big world, this smorgasbord of Beautiful people, there is no need for us to always go it alone. Love to celebrate coming together as often or seldom as is authentic… for both people in any friendship. That is how it works. In my world anyway. I feel I have upgraded my beliefs around relationship.
In the story, You Are The Lover and The Loved, I spoke of how I let my lover go once I recognized my strong attraction to Mr. Brasil. He did not ask me to. I now feel I should not have. Sure enough Mr. Kik returned to his former position after a six month hiatus. I connected with him for the first time this same week December 30, 2014. The married man.
A second married man, I call him my High School Sweetheart, entered the scene. I did not even know him in High School but met him at our 30 year Reunion. Slightly ironic. We hit it off and started a friendship … with a wee romantic flavor. I had been more honest with him than any other man ever. Felt so good. Seemed to draw him to me like a magnet. I immediately started a story called, “Sleeping With A Friend”. I continually reminded him that we will be lifelong friends. I have even informed him who he will be romantically connected to in the future. What do I know? The moment is king, an oft repeated phrase. I did not see us as lovers, but some kissy/cuddly moments kept popping up. Surprising me at first but with repetition, less and less. He treated me so well from the moment we met. I enjoyed his company. He is a perpetually optimistic man with the same bounce in his step that he had in High School. Yes, I had noticed him back then. I nicknamed him top jock from those memories. His tagline: the only one in High School to go from jock to banger to prep in three years. Few men are able to maintain their young man vigor. Our conversations nourished my storytelling. I treasure him.
Warily I disclose a little conversation I had with myself months ago, before Mr. Brasil. I trust it is apparent from my writing style that I am taking an anthropological, scientific approach to relationships. My experiences and life story serve as the laboratory. I played with and continue to play with concepts in my mind. I questioned the social rules. Have they served our highest good? I perceived that I had connected to a Spirit Guide that has been present since birth but fully into my awareness October 2014. Every now and again I will catch myself asking a question. Intended to be rhetorical. And I get an answer. I used to wonder where the answers came from. I thought it was my higher self that I read about in Spiritual Circles. My perception evolved to that it was from a Spirit Guide.
One fine day in mid 2014, with great exasperation I asked myself, “How many boyfriends do I need?” Rhetorical question just appeared in my thoughts. Forget the details but you know those moments where you wonder why your needs are not being met? Probably this occurred before my website because I was noting that all the boys were so busy working that they had no time for me. Once I started publishing on the website, I had no time for them. What answer do you think I heard? Instant and clear, the answer was “four”. WTF?? I have a saying: Ask the right question to get the right answer. I was not ready to hear that answer. Still not calling it truth but it was an answer. Beware resisting what could be truth. It was outside my imagination how that could ever be in this world. I am aligning with the idea that Understanding is Optional … more often than I would have thought. But how can you go where you have never been without doing or thinking what you have never done or thought. Be Nimble in Mind and Body.
It definitely caught my attention. Eyes bugged out (my guess). Turned my head to look over my shoulder. I knew there was nobody there but it seemed prudent to check. I toyed with the concept for a millisecond or two and rejected it. I nearly completely forgot it until it popped into my mind while writing this piece. I sat down to write a channel, a daily habit of connecting to my Spirit Guide while typing (I type questions and the answers come through my fingers. Witnessed the same type of channeling in Brasil numerous times, but they always wrote by hand) and was shocked at this story coming down as you are reading it.
Mysterious fun is what I call it. Some would call it crazy. Just offering an alternative perspective for your consideration. Repressed mediumship is considered a cause of psychosis in some Integretive Psychiatry circles. Thrilled that I have connected to other Professionals who support my direct experience.
Tangentially, I will add in that the movie Interstellar had me quite excited near the end. I was watching it with my 17 year old daughter, the brains behind the piracy operation (I was more the accomplice). The rendition of the main character connecting to his daughter in the past via the 5th dimension raised goosebumps. Reminiscent of my first manic experience. It was really hard to explain and yet, here was a moviemaker showing it on film. I was distracted by Mr. Brasil at this crucial point in the film. Need to see it again. We had a slightly inferior quality production by chance. I sensed my daughter’s challenge in hearing me speak of my experiences. I do not take it personally. She received the cultural templates that generate her skepticism … from me. My concept sounds far fetched, I get it. I was speaking very softly and telling her the few points in the movie that I resonated with so much. The young daughter in the movie feeling like she was communicating with a ghost initially. Nobody believed her but she was so sure. The ghost ended up being her Dad in the future. Time being relative was portrayed in an approachable way. Pure physics people. Stories are superior at portraying challenging concepts than a teacher in the classroom. Get it? By design.
Interstellar: Another fictional (Truth is Stranger than Fiction) depiction of you don’t know what you don’t know. Our current system is so set on one person declaring that another person does not know what they claim to know. Are we confused yet?
My roundabout way to point out: I want to unlearn all that I have learned. And start again.
The Relationship System is up for remodeling. The current state of affairs (pardon the pun) has not won my faith.
I do not discriminate on the basis of marriage… anymore.
The moment is king. There are no rules outside of authenticity, love and respect – Myself first. My feelings are my guide, my arrow. I follow my arrow. Expectations about outcome are a no no. More concerned about what I have found than what I am looking for. We attract what we are. Men are like snowflakes, no two are alike. If it is not fun, I am not in. If the other is not game, it has nothing to do with me. Likely when they are game, it may have little to do with me also. I am the Lover and the Loved. It is all about me. I am all I need. But sharing is fun and feels good. I am love. Love is infinite. Selfishness is the new black. Love the cheekiness of that statement. Keep in mind that one man’s selfish is another’s self-loving.
My current working model In a Nutshell. No joke.
Live and Let Live is the bridge to World Peace.
Wanted to point out: my little answer of four men required to match my preferences (I have no attachment to this, but interesting…) is in the current Relationship System. It will be re-written as needed. When you combine the Married man wondering about what to do with his commitment and the single man wanting to avoid commitment at all costs, the impressionist painting is Beautiful. I see the Beauty and Art in everything. The Moment is King. It is hard to be my King when you are not in my Moment. The Moment holds many clues. I have a reputation for being clueless. Freedom to change is always within reach. Yay for me!
I offer that my meandering stories, including this one, try to paint a picture of what living in the now means. In my seeker days, I would roll the concept around in my mind but did not really know how to live it. I still do not. My perception is I am moving towards it. Not without jumping out of the box and crossing a lot of boundaries though. Now can feel so unobtainable even though it is always right here. I sound like some kind of Spiritual Teacher. Hardy har har. I shook my head slowly back and forth after writing that. Paradox.
To keep it 3D, I should add: do not worry about my piracy accomplice crime. I was thoroughly and effectively punished … by Mr. Brasil. I was surprised how much I liked it. The only thing missing was the Police Uniform. Sometimes captivity can be fun. I will try most things once. It is not uncommon for one to be having more fun than the other. Many times, I have been accused of having too much fun. It is not a crime. Is it?
Language. Our friend. A finite number of words. In an infinite Universe. Words have context, historical framework. New concepts require new vocabulary. Concepts exist with or without vocabulary. Humans have capability of communicating outside of words and language. I predict we are heading in the direction of using those alternate forms of communication more in coming years. Time will tell. Is time a belief system? What is time? Just because words do not exist to describe something does not mean it is nonexistent. More contents for the Nutshell.
Par example (for example in French):
The story of Mr. Brasil was playfully shared. I love my story even though I rarely understand it. Understanding is optional, as is suffering. Many details missing in my stories in general. Believe it or not, I am far from telling all. Going back to the start with Mr. Brasil: playing together in cars. Interesting how in the confined space of a vehicle, lips met. Bodies were embraced. Two playful adults. So. Amazing. Each time, I had the same experience, new to me, that I called melting. Thoroughly enjoyed the moments. Very passionate. Could not get enough. Until my entire body melted. Bliss. Like a surge of warm, fuzzy energy spread across my chest and then throughout my body. As if I was instantly heavier, more dense. I was unable to continue to kiss etc. So serene. Heaven. My physical matter melted onto the seat, in some symbolic way. Reflections about what this was led me to state to myself, “If I never had another orgasm, and had meltings instead, I would be just fine.” A strange choice of words indeed. Months later, I heard Teal Swan talking about Orgasms, two kinds: Intrinsic and Extrinsic. Eureka! The word I was looking for was intrinsic orgasm. True Story: experienced these amazing orgasms and did not even realize they were orgasms. Pretty funny. Or clueless. Just because I did not understand or have a word for the experience, did not deny the experience. Listen to me now. Believe me later.
Experience is a model teacher. In a Nutshell. Vocabulary can lag. Clueless upgrades to unaware. When I have the intention to become aware, it happens … in a heartbeat. Yet not for the fainthearted is what I have been told.
Metaphysical exploration. Go where no man or woman has gone before. Perhaps a few have gone before. I consider myself a Pioneer, albeit a reluctant one. Like the Astronaut who went into the black hole in the movie Interstellar. I have no idea where I am going or what I will find. I would not be surprised if the experiences lack vocabulary. Hard to have a word for something rarely experienced. I plan to keep that in mind.
22 Signs You Are Embodying Your Higher Self by Gustavo Castener, Founder of Ascended Relationships. Especially love #22. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously. Do not worry there. I do not.
Immediately after reading Gustavo’s article, a handwritten channel came down. Apparently Peter, my Spirit Guide, wanted to tweak one area. It was #10. Activating Your DNA that prompted the following:
DNA Activation may be better termed transmutation. Its Physics definition is the relevant one: any process in which a nuclide is transformed into a different nuclide. Another of the definitions was the Alchemical one. He does not feel Alchemy is a useful concept moving forward. I had always been attracted to the term alchemy. The Physics of Consciousness Professor, me, was unfamiliar with the word nuclide. Peter gave a thumbs up to both of the definitions given on dictionary.com.
The Ascended Relationship article just dropped into my lap the day prior to publishing what I thought was the finished story …along with large volumes of other things I needed that day. I was overflowing with Gratitude. That day (aka yesterday), I was not freaking out. Still taking 600mg of Lithium though. For lack of a better word, I understand. Matt Kahn so wisely advised at the retreat I attended September 2014 to act casually. I upgrade my teacher’s words to: Act Naturally. Of course, you may not know what naturally means with the new rulebook.
Abundantly (you have what you need to have when you need to have it): Experience is the model teacher. Follow your arrow/compass/excitement.
Thought I would mention that Mr. Brasil Episode 2 flowed very smoothly from my fingers. Peter is claiming nearly 100% on this one. First time ever. In the past it has been both of us. He stated that this
is the new normal. I am now a clearer conduit for him to channel stories from our shared perspective. For efficiency sake. It is a fact that I am distractable. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It was easier to keep track when the two events written about coincidentally occurred on the same day. I was watching Interstellar, Mr. Brasil texted immediately followed by a visit. Made me think of Bentinho Massaro describing it as Following the Breadcrumb Trail until you find yourself in the Flow. When you are in the Flow, you just Know. An Excellent Prognostic Indicator – my old Doctor Speak. Tee hee.
One of my final read throughs, I asked myself if this was my Disability, the Lame in Disabled Angel. Not living in the Now. I got a No. It is the connection to an unnatural, sick by the old rulebook, Collective Consciousness. The majority of people do not know who they really are, as creator beings … and it is infectious. Not in the Sciency way but the Rocket Sciency way. I am dumbing it down here. Capiche? Not. An inside joke for my Bro’. I always write with the intention that it will be read by the right person, at the right time for my highest good and the highest good of all. Likely, I repeat myself there as my highest good and the highest good of all are synonymous in the off chance that they are not. Very curious when his reading it will serve the highest good. Would love for him to understand why I laughed so hard when he brought me to Emergency October 2012. I called myself the Angel Comedian. When we first presented, the lady behind the desk asked for the patient’s Healthcare Card. I laughed like a fool, telling my Bro’ to hand his over. He was the one worried and concerned. An unnatural state for an Actualized Human Being. Being honest to a fault, I knew he was more sick than I. Everything was suddenly backwards to all of my prior beliefs. Recognizing it all at once … was hilarious to me. The biggest Scooby Doo ending I had ever been aware of! I was too honest for everyone. They could not handle the truth. Coming from the fool. This is not new. Remember Shakespeare? I did not embrace being the bearer of truth in that moment. It brought out a lot of fear. Ancestral fear of being burned at the stake. 3D fear of being committed, involuntary admission to a Psychiatric ward. With my Medical experience, I knew what was going to happen next. I am grateful that they no longer use straight jackets but was disappointed that the rubber room was no longer in use. That would have been Fun. Leave it to the Psychiatric System to take out the Fun Part. This loop has been running a while. Comedians (my upgrade for fool) have a lot to offer in the New World.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. Albert Einstein
P.S. – Possibly one was left uncertain what I was trying to convey here.
One point worth mentioning: Leaving my friend’s acreage Sunday morning, I had no idea if I would ever see him again despite the fact that I would welcome it wholeheartedly. Huge surprise to me that the moment I arrived home, seven pages of story went down with grace and ease. And everything I needed for the story came in at a pace not too fast, not too slow. If it was too slow, it would be inefficient. One would have to get into the story numerous times. Too fast would overwhelm a person – Psychotic break a couple of times in my history. I was resisting what was flowing through me. Blew a fuse. As in Goldilocks and the three Bears, there was a juuuust right. That was Easy… It would be impossible for me to regret my thoroughly enjoyable time with Mr. Brasil (even if he thought it was lame). So sometimes when I laugh, I understand it could be deemed crazy. But from my perspective, I laugh and would love to take on the challenge of figuring out how to tame that sexy Beast. Yes, that probably sounds rude. I mean it as a compliment. It is very authentic for me. Do you see the invincibility here? It does not hurt my feelings. It makes me curious. Curiosity never killed the cat. That’s what they say. Go ahead. Call me crazy. I call me Resilient … by Design.
Live and Let Live is the Bridge to Optimal Health … and World Peace.
I take my Beloved (self) wherever I go. I am not in need. My arrow will point me back to Mr. Brasil if that serves me best. I could say I have full faith but that does not sound strong enough anymore. I have alignment to my truest self and much more clarity in how this game (of Life) works. Not necessarily a long term relationship but relating. Take One Step at a Time. We may be best served with a few more experiences together, a lot more experiences or not another experience. I used to call it Embrace Uncertainty. I would now describe the Upgrade as Divine Neutrality (I have heard this term and did not really understand it for a long time). It could be called Embodying Your Higher Self. It is an Invincible Feeling. Yet the Human is still shockingly present. There is no need to call an Experience Bad or Good. My Upgrade now for experiences is Authentic. I desire Authentic Experiences Everyday … All Day.
Because in my world what used to be called a Miracle is now Reality. Pure Physics of Consciousness people… When you feel it, you will know. Commonly, reading somebody else’s story can act like a signpost to help you read the unique signs in your own life. Shamen and Medicine Men/Women in the Aboriginal cultures have long known this. Storytelling, dancing and music are the ancient prescriptions for Soul Healing aka Holistic Healing. Empowers the Self-Healer within each one of us. Bad (for lack of a better word) news is it would eventually put Doctors Out of Business. Empowerment Coaches are the new Family Physician.
The Beautiful Truth is the Freedom to Choose which mindset you live from. Live and Let Live. Beware one mindset holding the other mindset Captive. The Leap of Faith so often described is when one starts to consciously believe that one’s thoughts/intentions (energetic vibrations truly) create the perceived reality. Can feel a little crappy. You are shocked that you would have created things as they are … but you did not do it consciously. Consciously or unconsciously, it is my belief that the power is there for each one of us. So when a captor chooses not to believe the other’s mindset, fine. When he insists on the captive feeling how he feels, there is a disturbance in the force. Star Wars joke. Peace is Impossible without the Live and Let Live. The Different Mindsets: no Problem as long as Freedom to Choose Mindsets Exists.
Disclaimer: Every individual is different, with a different Soul Purpose. Just because my purpose may be best served by four romantic gentleman friends now in my life, does not mean the same is true for you. Or even for me in the future. Perhaps, this story was required and now the rulebook changes. That is partly what I mean when I say:
Be Nimble in Mind and Body.
The Crutch of looking ahead is Prohibitively Disabling.
The Crutch of looking ahead is Radically Disabling.
The Crutch of looking ahead is Gloriously Disabling.
- Be Not Afraid. It’s A Beautiful World by Dierks Bentley featuring Patty Griffin. It’s a Beautiful World. And You are holding the Key. The fun part is discovering which locks your key opens.
- Listen to Me Now. Believe Me Later.