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Monthly Archives: January 2015

You Are The Lover And The Loved – Part 2

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10947258_208953212608569_8092751152834147784_oSPIRITUAL AWAKENING IS NOT A GOAL

Spiritual Awakening is not a goal to reach in the future, for ‘future’ is only of mind. It is not a fixed and final destination, nor a special state reserved for Special People or Enlightened Gurus. It is not an out-of-body experience, but a constant invitation – to embrace yourself exactly as you are, today, in all your glorious imperfection. It is a deep and ancient calling, to radically open up, to embrace both IMG_3139the pain and the joy of life; to be vast, vast enough to hold both the bliss and the fear, the heartache and the overwhelm, the laughter and the deep longing to be free. To include whatever burns today in one big YES.

To be what you are. Life itself. Awake, alive.

This ‘deep acceptance’ as I call it is not passivity nor spiritual detachment, but a giant validation of the way life looks today. It does not mean giving up on the possibility of change, for all real change emanates from the YES to today. A relaxation into the way things are, a sinking into the scene of today, unlocks all your tomorrows and is the source of all creativity, and all genuine answers.

No matter how powerfully the storm of thought and emotion rages right now, no matter how unmanageable everything seems, I invite you to stop, to stop just for a moment, and to bring your attention back to the here-and-now, the living ground of your life, the One place where breathing is happening… where the heart is beating … where sensations dance in and as the body … where sounds appear, stay for a while, and dissolve into purest awareness… and where sunlight streams in through the open window… illuminating the room, the room which holds you as you are.

– Jeff Foster

As in Part 1 of You Are The Lover And The Loved, I open with some beautiful words from Jeff Foster. Recently, I tried to donate to him but his website lacked the familiar donate button that many Spiritual IMG_3161Teachers include. Will keep my eye on an opportunity to show my appreciation outside of sharing his work.

I Feel It All by Feist

January 26, 2015 I read To Fall In Love With Anyone Do This by Mandy Len Catron from the University of British Columbia.

It inspired me to write this Part 2. It was with this concept in mind that I stuck around in my marriage as long as I did. I felt that when one is willing, one can love anyone. I was forgetting that I was only half of the equation. The same issue cropped up in my dating life. I am only half of the equation. To some this could feel like bad news. To me, it is fantastic news. I have long used the cute expression It takes two to tango but disconnected to the wisdom of that. Knowing that no one alone could maintain a marriage or IMG_2575start a relationship, why on earth would any of us continue to, first expression to come to mind, flog a dead horse. That is the million dollar question. My answer: because our intuition knows there is truth lurking beneath the mask. At least we believe this. As long as we believe this, we can justify illogical behavior. At this moment, I declare: This is the Art of Life. Choosing when you take things at face value or when you hang tight to see if the mask will come off. In the end, Everyone Has Choices. The more Aware we are of those Choices, the Less Suffering is Endured. The more Authentic we each Choose to be in Each Moment, the Easier it is to Choose the Most Resonant Masterpiece, Work of Art, to Stare at, to Share with … to Dream With.

Your Honesty is Paramount, because you Understand that only Through Your Honesty can others be IMG_2742Free to decide what they can (or cannot) do with their time regarding you. So it is that You are Brutally Honest with your Disposition toward the Human Condition. You are Clear with your Commitment to the Infinite Game, even at the Expense of all Finite Games. You Understand that Infinite Play Requires Complete Vulnerability. So you Initiate your own Actions in such a way that others Respond by Initiating their Own Action in kind. Where Finite Players are Waiting for their Turn to Speak, You have Learned How to Listen with Conscious Intent, which Generates Time as Space for the Dialogue to continue, and Healthy Dialogue is the Heart of Good Play. Gary Z. McGee

 

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Six Signs You May Be An Infinite Player by Gary Z. McGee was also read on January 26, 2015.

 

Few more excerpts from the Infinite Player article.

A finite Player Plays for Power, while an Infinite Player plays with Power.

You use Power as a Tool to Leverage Vision into Action, rather than as a Weapon to Force People into Action.

Being Concerned with Vision rather than Power leads to Courage, which Leads to Liberation, which leads to the Need to Empower and Liberate others, which Leads to other Visionary People, which Leads to Accountability, which Leads to Sustainability, which Leads to a Healthy Community for All, and therefore a Healthy Infinite Game for All.

36 questions to enable two people to fall in love was a link within the To Fall In Love With 538797_504789476199253_2121467748_nAnyone article.

The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable IMG_3138with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

I want to try that! Rings true for me. The reason why the sexual fun relationship has its limitations. Intimacy is what I desire. Sex is the #1 intimacy enabler – my perspective. Sex is not in itself intimacy but is often associated with it. Big question for me: do men feel the same way about intimacy? My sense is that most women feel this way. I continue my field research. Nod. Nod. Wink. Wink.

Love Is by Adam Cohen

Bird Scene 3:50 – from the movie Divergent.

After being injected with a serum that stimulates the part of the brain that processes fear mechanisms, 10887418_593674724065665_8399911669447814814_othe heroine hallucinates her deepest fears and the hero observer witnesses how she handles them. How this is done is not important. This is Science Fiction, people. Loved how she decides, after seeing her reflection, that this isn’t real. Knowing that, she chooses the bold move to swim away from her fears. She did not have to concern herself about breathing. This choice clearly differentiated herself to the observer. Her efficient, clear thinking got her 1450978_791245257559609_13409628_nout of the exercise four times faster than the average. She went on to hear how others stalled in front of their fears, taking in the fullness of their unpleasantness with all senses. Telling the story also heightens fear further.

Water Tank Scene 1 minute

Her second go at the exercise finds her in a large tank, quickly filling with water. Seeing her reflection again reminds her that this isn’t real. A few intentional taps with her finger breaks the glass, allowing all the water to flow out.

Seeing the movie Divergent based on a book by Veronica Roth published in 2011, inspired me. In Part 1 of You Are The Lover And The Loved I was moved to include these videos.  Yet resisted … with great difficulty.

One man’s impulsive is another man’s clarity.

The idea that it is not about right versus wrong but two versions of right.IMG_3128

In the movie, the clarity and integrity of the heroine was outside of the average – outside of the box. People like this were labeled divergent and hunted down. Their existence threatened the powers that be. They were free thinkers. I see this as analogy to the Mental Health labeling of our time. I do not think conscious intention is in place in the world I experience. But I believe our society is served by a variety of perspectives, including my own. In the movie, the heroine is taught by the observer, a fellow divergent, to think like the average so as not to draw attention to herself. I have felt that in my own life in some way. Another hypothesis of Bipolar Disorder. It becomes clear that you need to pretend to think as others around you think, for their comfort. In a fear-based 10805748_663019153813097_5319280579684320773_nsociety, your loved ones want the best for you. They fear what would happen to you if the truth was known. There is another truth that happens to you when the truth is not allowed. That truth is scarier to me than the former. Labeling and medicating a variation of normal (for lack of a better word) in our current societal backdrop.  Feeling like a broken record with my little Bipolar Disorder story.  I have reluctantly pointed towards the concept that Mental Illness can only exist with the societal environment we now experience. Changing the societal environment will, over time, wipe out what we today think of as Mental Illness. Another of my Hypotheses. Yet again, I add: Listen to Me Now. Believe Me Later.

Reminds me of a saying I had recently upgraded:

It is Hard to See the Solution when You are Part of the Problem.

That is All I Have to Say about That …Oslo, Norway

Foolish Games by Jewel

I wonder if there will be a Part 3?

What Is $30,000 Between Friends?

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10676167_10152503290506247_7620058587606213968_nSometimes I can be very enthusiastic. I love that about myself. Observing the reaction from others, I would hasten to guess that my enthusiasm makes many uncomfortable. Well…

I can fall in love very quickly, although it happens relatively infrequently. But I am never averse to this Beautiful feeling. I am using the word Love in the broadest sense. This could be either male or female, young or old. You just feel a Soul connection and you recognize it. The world is a more Beautiful place in the experiencing of it. Growth and learning are guaranteed.

One such relationship was with a gifted designer, Project Love (her nickname for this story). We met due to our mutual connection to a company called juiceUnivera. It sells high vibrational nutraceutical products. I have used their premiere product Ageless Xtra, juice with many herbal additives for optimal health, counteracting inflammation of daily living, since 2010. I first met Project Love at an event she was hosting to connect like-minded people – interested in health and wellness- and introduce the Univera products. Yes, Univera is a relationship marketing company. I have not done anything with the marketing aside from splitting myself into two accounts by using my parenting partner’s address. I believe in the company strongly but cannot get my mind around being a salesperson. I share my enthusiasm and nobody seems interested – unless I give them free product. I have settled into enjoying the products for myself.

Project Love gave a passionate talk about wellness in a very holistic view.  It would have been right at home in Medical School.  She quoted facts/figures from reputable sources, all pointing to the importance of Community in individual health.  Like-minded, I entered into conversation after the event. Hours passed. I was in love. Project Love had a keen mind. Coupled with her passion IMG_3047for healthy communities, she was a unique spirit to my experience. She had embraced the concept of cohousing as an expression of a healthy community that would support individual and family health as a byproduct. We entered into friendship which was often our shared experiences of where our systems fail to support the highest health for the community. How can we be part of the solution? She had designed a Beautiful 4 story walk-up residential building that was ready to take to the next step towards construction. There was a specific site that had been chosen. Attention to detail impressed me, right down to the shadowlines/garden spaces. Part of the inspiration was also to live smaller by IMG_2505having shared spaces like a commercial kitchen, music room and greenhouse. Each unit would have a kitchen but it is not everyday that one would require the larger capacity kitchen. There would need to be cooperation amongst the handful of households that would live there. This concept is old in Europe. There are many communities in North America, some with over 10 years history. Project Love had a relationship to one in Calgary (3 hours drive South of Edmonton) and the Architect she collaborated with lived in a cohousing community in Boulder, Colorado. At these, households come together for supper with some regularity, taking turns with the food preparation. It sounded like a beautiful way to live to my ears. Within 6 months of our friendship, I decided to join the Cohousing group. I think of myself more of an investor than someone who would live in this first one. There was excitement within the group that if we could get the first one built, it would smooth the way for a more efficient second project.

IMG_3050The initial investment to join was not a lot of money, just over $5000. OK, it was $7500.I am known not to remember exactly how much things cost. I have my own way of looking after money. I do it well. But maybe it depends who you talk to whether this is a lot or not. When I joined, it appeared that 7 out of 10 units were accounted for – including my own. Nice. But nobody had done this before and we quickly saw the need for financing and the difficulty our rag tag group would have in obtaining it. The land that the building had been custom-designed for was owned by a supporter. He initially was going to take a unit but bowed out months prior to my joining. He was getting a little IMG_3021impatient with the lack of movement with the project. He wanted to see the land change hands with the resultant proceeds of the sale. Thankfully, he was not a desperate investor and had the freedom of time. He did want to protect his investment however. At the time I met him, I was at the height of my enthusiasm and speculated that perhaps I could find interested investors for this project. He admitted that my new involvement gave him more hope for the fruition of his investment plan. His first choice for the land was to be developed as Project Love had envisioned. As any landowner, he required payment for the land.

How Soon Is Now?  by The Smiths

The group had been meeting monthly in preparation for the eventual build. Around this time, a very dramatic meeting took place involving a couple who were to buy 2 units – one for themselves and another for a disabled son. I was instantly taken aback when first meeting this man, a surgeon. Also IMG_3234Asian (Indian). It instantly made me think twice about joining the project. He really reminded me of my Asian (Chinese) surgeon former Father-In-Law and former husband (also a surgeon). Good men but mindset very different from my own. Likely no coincidence that I came face to face with this persona again. My instant reservations played out one Sunday in March 2012. This man had not one good thing to say about the project since I met him January 2012. We were doing it all wrong. We did not know anything. Many in the group did not have money and were deadbeat. He did not use this word but that is what he meant. As much as there was a lot of truth to his words, the venom he chose to use in his communication felt like poison to the project. He was adamant that Spirituality and Business did not mix. Really? That one rubbed IMG_2836us all the wrong way. We all insisted that spirituality and business do mix. I am not aware of a lot of role models but I hoped to blaze a trail here. I had purchased a large chunk of Quartz crystal and it was placed in the center of the table for that and subsequent meetings. I felt it brought truth and clarity to the meeting. The lurking issues that needed to be dealt with percolated to the surface. With this all too familiar negativity and tightfisted monetary approach, I took bold action after a particularly cutting verbal rampage. I stated my belief that thoughts are not neutral and his thoughts downright sabotaged the project. It would be impossible to move forward with his energy being as it was. It was a thrilling moment as I looked into his eyes. He was very insulted by my comments. There was a wide-eyed rage, like a wild animal. This moment reminded me of the 1476254_655597694481722_802835460_nmany times I did not stand up for myself in Medical Training (mostly with Surgeons) and with my former Father-in-law. I was pretty good at standing up for myself with my former husband. I declared long ago, I would never stand down in the face of that type of man ever again. So for me it was quite exciting as a milestone. I was so proud of myself as I neutrally looked into the eyes of the wild animal raging at me. I was thinking to myself, “Bless you, bless you, bless you…” as I just listened to the tirade originating from the fear of losing the investment money ($15K). Wonder if $15,000 is ever worth losing your Self over? I did not take offense. I did not get angry. Let him have his rage but do not let him think that I did not see his lack of support for this inspiring project. This was a proof in experience that I am transformed. For this, I am forever grateful. I need never fear this persona ever again. My Soul rejoiced….And this man pulled out of the project within one week. Two less units accounted for. So now the group can proceed without the judge and jury. But we have lost one of the people who actually had the money for the project, aside from myself. A bittersweet moment…It is hard to know if it was a win or a loss.IMG_2957

“Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse.
You could be them!”

Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood  sung by Sally Barker

So to sum up. I had made a mindset change over one year prior. I would live from my heart first and foremost. To be honest, I was not really sure that my mind was trustworthy so was consulting it less. As I write, I have brought my mind on board in a better balance I believe. I was not too sure about the way things had been done in the past. I am eager to find new ways of thinking, new ways of being, new ways of loving. To love and be loved was foremost in my mind. Holistic health was underlying most that caught my attention. I was fascinated with Spirituality and Ancient Wisdom. This new exploration left me believing in miracles.

IMG_2822If you do not believe in Miracles, you will not experience them.

It was in this perspective that I may have received a miracle. A truly odd one that perhaps I should have taken greater notice of. In my enthusiastic support of the project, I felt that I had been given my financial position for a reason. I wanted to use it for good. It is apparent that to even be considered for financing or any investor, we need to get the plans finalized to be ready for putting the project into financial numbers. Money had limited this. Project Love had worked some for free but the architect would expect payment.

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Angèle Beaudoin

Upgraded to: It is hard to see the solution when you are part of the problem.

I decided that I would more fully commit by adding $50,000. It would get the drawings done and leave a little extra for future use. In my experience with IMG_3095business, it was always very successful so there was always money lying around. Strange to be involved in something where that was not the case. I thought about it. No way of knowing how things would work out. With my old-style thinking, I would not choose this. With my new style, let me take my chances. Open myself to a miracle. I made the decision and assumed full responsibility for it. I personally delivered the 3 checks to a local bank: one for legal fees ($250), one for the one share ($7500) and the last for $50,000. Not really sure why but I was connected to the manager. He put everything together to be transferred to the downtown branch. OK, fine. Nobody was more surprised than me when I received a call from the Main Post Office downtown. They had my 3 checks in hand. They were very cautiously telling me that with the large sums involved, they called me right away.  Seemed my big IMG_3052checks were incredulous to many. What? Evidently, instead of the inter-branch mail, the checks were in an unmarked envelope and sent through the Canada Postal Service instead. OK, now was that not a sign? I was so close to pulling out with this huge turn of events. I took a couple of days to decide. I determined with much less certaintly that I will give only the exact amount to get the drawings done. I will not worry about a surplus. I reduced my contribution from $50K to $30K.  Keeping $20,000 out of this heart-based venture was the action I landed on. I seriously considered pulling out all money. Doubt existed: was this strange occurrence my signal to not get involved at all? Looking back, if I was even thinking that, yes it was my inner knowing trying to get my attention. I wondered if it would have affected my friendship. I was told it

The dollars were Canadian in this story...

The dollars were Canadian in this story…

would not. Everyone held their breath…and changed banks also (strange happening to have occurred). I noticed the checks were instantly certified and deposited by Project Love’s brother. Felt like weird energy to me. I was speculating right then and there that I would not see that money for a long time … if at all. I missed the opportunity to pull out financially. The Post Office fiasco was a very big clue…that I chose not to fully embrace. Obviously my desire to see the project built outweighed my fear of losing over $30,000. Not surprising…Yet, I would not feel good making this type of misstep too IMG_2732often in life. I pulled back. Money confused me in my evolving state. I desired to find a way to honor prior achievements and spend my money in a heart-based fashion. Good luck to me. I have yet to figure it out. I fall in love with people… and they have hardly a penny to their name. How does this happen? I do not judge them. It creates confusion in me. How best to use my money to help? That is a work in progress.

I choose to take my own advice:  concern myself with me.  My best aid to others is to be myself successful.  I do get lots of little ideas. IMG_2882But …

I refuse to create a job of slavery for myself.

Hurt by Johnny Cash

I like my leisure time – in retirement. …And my vacation time. All of this can be accommodated. Keep my mind open. Keep my heart open. Connect to my Soul’s Purpose. This is the way for me.

Project Love felt about miracles as I did. She had a longer history of living this way. She had many stories to describe how things fell into place in surprising and miraculous ways. Yet, quite paycheck to paycheck.  The entire co-housing group held this belief to some extent. We were expecting that somehow, someone or something would come along and the project would get built.

In this new mindset, I was wondering what could I do to move this project along. I wondered about putting my house as collateral for the needed financing. With my divorce not fully processed at that time, not possible. IMG_3058When divorce proceeds came through, perhaps I could purchase the land. I was feeling like an angel investor. I realized that I alone would not be the solution. It would be better to find something for the group.

Project Love & I had dreamed aloud of trying to collect money from people wanting to invest consciously in their community. A Trust or something that could lend money to projects deemed good for the community. That would require some administration. I did not see myself as being involved in a longterm way. My lack of commitment was duly noted. I 11362_721873511222375_2010473384726118526_nwas committed to have the project built…but not as committed as Project Love. I feel mostly committed to Freedom 45, my own, and writing. Project Love was carrying the burden alone. She knew it and hoped others would find a way to support her vision. Took note: I was transferring my support from my parenting partner’s dream to Project Love’s? Hmmmm… Likely not in my best longterm interest. What did I want for myself? The answer was that I wanted the project to be built. It stopped there. I wait and see if I will ever reconnect with my money again. I take full responsibility for my decision. It may seem expensive to some…but one does not know if this is the end or not. Tuition in the University of Life. I am open to see some or all of my money again- When the Universe conspires to have this project be built. Recognizing my own IMG_3097level of commitment, the last meeting I attended I shared it with the group. I fully supported trying to find a developer to build the walk-up. This idea was not embraced by the one who started the dream, Project Love (PL). She had it in her mind that the process was not negotiable. Time will tell… We, alone, do not always hold the reins. I accept this. I know PL. I still love PL. But as far as I can tell, I am a former friend of PL. Details not connected to this wee tale. There is another story to describe that – not sure it will ever be published. Remains to be seen…

Wrote in August 2013IMG_3023

January 18, 2015

Left feeling that PL got into her own way. She had a specific, calculated way to the solution which choked off all miracles. I saw her my way or the highway mentality. Chose to cut my losses. When I explored possible options that would get the design built, possibly letting go of the Cohousing details, hit a brick wall. It was truly her dream. Strike one.

My guestimate: she held the oh, so common mindset that Money is the root of all evil. Christian based? Not sure. I IMG_3160believe: Money is Freedom. Her blocks with money. Strike two.  I strongly believe that money is an amplifier.  It holds no inherent power but can amplify a person.  Make you more of what you already are.

Some difference in beliefs around sexuality. Also Christian based? Strike three.

That is how you make a former friend. Authenticity rules. No hard feelings.

Still love her. Bridge is in fine repair to my perception.

10814_896478703696993_1359570460622475483_nAddendum: Big take home message from this Lesson for me was to just put money on the shelf for a while. No big hurry to decide what to do with money. Moratorium on all big expenditures and investments. Let my new mindset settle in a while more. I had my first Manic Episode October 2012. I purchased a few extra pieces of art but not outside of my ability to afford. I was in the habit of acquiring a new IMG_3264piece once a year. I acquired two under the manic influence. Gratefully, my friend’s Art Gallery allowed me to reverse my commitment to purchase a third large, expensive sculpture.

Yesterday’s News   by David Francey

I am only now digging back into the financial world to review my options for Investing. I feel like a more grounded, sovereign version of myself. A work in progress…

Money baffles me.

IMG_3108

Laugh & Learn

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IMG_2603My longtime question: Why pay less when you can pay more?

It was always intended to be a rhetorical one. On January 9, 2015, I got an answer: Laugh & Learn

I am very fond of catchy little phrases, especially when two or more meanings could be perceived. I recognized that a big part of my journey had been what I have described as Scooby Doo endings. If you are not familiar with the Scooby Doo cartoon, they follow a formula. Often ending with some costumed bad guy taking off his mask. When we see the villain all along was actually IMG_2387some good guy that we would never expect. It seemed implausable for the fleeting moment. Then we exclaim: aaaaah. Yes, of course. Knowing the truth is so satisfying with this surprise. The motives are one of those Gloriously Messy Human Traits. They keep popping up. Over and over. So ending is a slight misnomer. The little moment on January 9, 2015 was that now familiar Scooby Doo Ending feeling. Whoever thought up this plot (of my Life) … is a Genius! Tee hee. I toot my own horn.  It’s a joke.  But feel free to take me seriously.IMG_2396

Tangent Alert:
Check out this  Scooby Doo episode.  As a child, I among many others my age watched cartoons on Saturday mornings.  Lots of Scooby Doo in there.  We did not have as many choices in programming compared to today. There were not a lot of TV channels in the olden days, as my kid’s like to describe it. While the serious TV was being delivered to the adults. The kids were laughing and learning. I am laughing here as I started this story with the concept of a Scooby Doo ending.  Now marvel at the idea that the creative people behind the cartoons had huge access into our young minds.  I recognized the small step to write the story but only while I am writing do the reel ideas come down. Remember Order 66 from Star Wars III? Genetic code was implanted into all IMG_2308of the clone army that resulted in every clone ordered to kill the Jedi simply with this order. Hypothesis: The Children’s Entertainment we watched as kids has primed our psyche to be able to have the switch turn from Fear/Scarcity mindset to Love/Abundance mindset. Child’s play. Fun times!! No Fear here. Freewill is still in place. It is simply a choice.

As in the wise words of Yoda: You do not believe. That is why you fail.

Truth tends to be simple. The new mindset is often opposite to the old mindset. 180 degree turn. The reason why it is so easy once you believe but it goes against logic that the truth is opposite to reality – mindset shift. Truth is Stranger Than Fiction.

Too good to be true upgrades to: It is good. And it is True.

DISCLAIMER: When you figure it out. When your switch just happens to flip … often associated with IMG_2141Spiritual Exploration and requesting Truth (Ask the right question, you will get the right answer… but those in the former mindset will tell you that not only do you have the wrong answer but that you are wrong, broken, not fixable, forever requiring their medications, unable to work etc.), you will lose your mind. Not to worry. It is just an expression. Your mind will become a tool instead of the master that it was before the switch. May result in crying, laughing, severe emotions, depression, mania, among other things, I really do not know how it will be for everyone. IMG_1997Hypothesis: It will get easier and easier once we Normalize the experience and act Naturally.

My version was a little dramatic. It has no predictive value for your story. Be not afraid. We are like snowflakes, no two are alike. I had a pretty bad case of former mindset: I was trained as a Doctor. Indoctrination. The less indoctrination you have in your mindset, the more gentle this process will be. I did not act naturally, I freaked out. Hence, I was taken to the Hospital where I was immediately assessed IMG_2428by a Psychiatrist. He treated me as I knew he would. I saw it coming. I knew too much. I loved too much. I laughed too much. In a Nutshell: I was having waaaay too much fun.

Will point out: It was a Spiritual Emergency. I did benefit from the medications once I titrated down to about 1/6 of what they gave me. I did this confidently because I was a Doctor myself. I knew about how to titrate medications. I understand that many people will be more shy than I was. I am not saying the Medical People were wrong. I know they believe themselves wholeheartedly. Good intentions. Very important to point out that IMG_2434I, also, was not wrong. We were two versions of right. I dream of the day when the two choices are more transparent and understanding of each other.

What Are You Waiting For by Nickelback

Laugh and Learn is a toy store where my daughter was employed part-time. Jan. 9, 2015 I could not contain my curiosity at the fat envelope addressed to Elise. I opened it to find it was formal notice of bankruptcy including the Balance Sheet. I was deeply moved. I looked at my watch and let the grief wash through me. Pema Chodron’s regularly used advice to feel the emotion fully (will not last longer than 90 seconds – opposite to the old mindset teaching you to not show your emotions, bottle them up tightly, so that the emotion can stay with you forever. Always choices.), my reliable standby, was utilized. Sixty seconds later, I carried on and read the papers. Liabilities outweighed assets by over $300,000. Daughter’s top of the head guess was that they owed her around $50. Days prior she had deposited $600 worth of checks into a Bank Machine. No news is good news. Manager felt it was the introduction of Target to Edmonton in 2014 that sealed the demise. The Toy Store saw it IMG_2716coming. If all kids are like my three, electronic toys are nearly all they play with. Also sports equipment. Multifactoral demise. Three locations.  I was sad to see they would no longer operate.

I followed the company with interest since it opened around 15 years ago. I applauded the convenient original location near Booster juice in my local strip mall. Leaving that location likely started a slow slide. My neighborhood is filled with overworked professionals with more money than time. Genius for a passionate woman from the toy industry to choose this location. I had talked to her many times. I forget all the details but she had worked in the toy industry for a decade or more, attending all IMG_3200the big Trade Shows. She had good taste in more unique and finely crafted toys. Shared her passion with me many times. Helped me choosing toys for various age groups and interests over the years. The store moved out of the neighborhood years ago. Rumor was the lease came up and … you know the story. I have noted a karmic number of businesses in that location since the toy store moved. The busy, well off people then had to drive if they wanted Laugh & Learn. I did make the drive once as my son had a gift card. The parties we host or attend often encourage donation to a chosen cause but not uncommonly people give IMG_2676gifts anyway. My personal choice and standby is $25 cash in an envelope for every Birthday Party my kids attend. Goes against the grain with some parents is my sense.  Certainly with my parenting partner. Kids love it. Cash is King! Not sure if the King is wearing any clothes though. Verdict is not out on that one in my books.

I have long preferred the locally owned boutique style shopping. Talking to passionate owners rather than disinterested minimum wage earners, if you can even find them. I enjoy receiving service … for almost anything I buy. Groceries is the one area that I am pretty independent about. Once to three times a week I find myself in a grocery store so skills are gathered. When I am really on fire, I can write IMG_2731a grocery list so the items will be in the order I find them at the store. I write my own story. I trust I do not have to say but to be clear: So do you. By spending more, you may be more likely to find yourself in the world of your dreams. Keep that in mind.

My next question: when did I write this story of my Life? Rhetorical. It always starts that way.

When I write, I have huge challenges with the tense – past/ present. I shared this idea with my Website guy (another Jesus in my life) and he admitted that he noticed. Wondered about me getting an Editor. 10156043_235536469981782_913938952_nMy early stories, I would always make a point of doing an edit just looking at verb tense. That habit slowly dropped away. I have timidly decided to let go of more and more rules … in all areas of Life. Verb tense included. My verbs are not certain what tense they are in. This strikes me as interesting this day. It is what it is. It is what it was. From the get go, I consciously chose not to use an Editor of any kind. I wanted my writing to be Real. I could visualize using an IMG_2417Editor which would have added an extra step for me. I am lazy. No time for that. (I have since come to realize that I have All The Time In The World). To review what the Editor did, and likely undo about 50%. There is an energetic feeling to my writing. If an Editor messes with that, it would just create more work.  Hypothesis:  Time is just another Belief System.  I do not understand how that can be but I know that understanding is optional.  Did I mention that I am honest to a fault?  I chose to upgrade honest to a fault to authentic … by design moving forward.

Love this example of how our World’s Systems can make the individual’s job harder. If you are Freestyle, it is way more fun and authentic. Working for the man can suck all of the joy out of any job. When we align to our authentic skills and gifts, our energy/creativity/enthusiasm (I will stop there but you get the idea) come Naturally. I have concern that an Editor is indoctrinated into a grammatical system that is not Natural for me. I want to do what comes Naturally. Ride bareback so to speak.

She Goes All The Way by Rascal Flatts

Addendum:IMG_3258

Generally, noted that Professions (Doctors, Lawyer, Accountants etc) create work. Each Profession has its own make work program. They generate a lot of jobs. My question is: do the employees who support the Professional’s, the top dog’s, work enjoy their job? Does it inspire them and enable joy? Is there love in the workplace? Training for these supporting roles, numerous rules & regulations are taught that take a long time to learn. Then they need multilevel workforces. Managers need to oversee the workers. There could be no better designed hell, for me, than to work for one of the typical micromanagers who pays attention to details in an inefficient system that is not motivated to improve or beautify. We do things this way … because we have always done things this way: Recipe for stagnation. Slow suicide. That explains the misery in so many people’s lives. Human beings are IMG_2720creators. When they engage in a job, they will find a way to simplify it, make it more fun or customize it in some way that appeals to them. I cannot recall ever meeting anyone who embraced the administrative burden in our world. There is a fear that without all the paper trail, the world might fall apart. Rewards to those who find a way to overcome this fear. Create the life, the job, the world you want. Disabled Angel prescribes a mantra:

I figure out how. I know that I can. … And it is easy.IMG_2447

You will know that you have when you feel free, loving, peaceful and joyful.

Listen to me now. Believe me later.

Understanding is optional. The Beautiful Truth.

Long reflected on the Starving Artist concept. I appreciate Art making it a part of my home, my leisure, my travel. So many Artists are under-appreciated. Measure of effectiveness with a job. Very difficult to assess. Whenever I have seen attempts, it tends to assume that the current working model just needs a little tweaking. The more we tweak, the more IMG_2563complicated it gets.

K.I.S.S – Keep It Simple Sweatheart. I first heard this in the Education Advocacy Arena. Speaking of complicated systems. Wow! Education is one of them. Whenever there are decades old systems, tends to be cities full of skeletons in the closet.

Makes me think of Westjet, a fairly new airline based here in Western Canada. Air Canada is the old guard. Everyone just IMG_3297knows that Westjet is always the preference. Stuff does not go wrong. Staff are jovial and look like they are having fun. I have heard myself take a half hour off of how early before a flight I need to go to the airport when I fly Westjet. Westjet has optimized their operations … by design. It shows. Not fair at all to compare against Air Canada. Apples and oranges. I completely understand the logistics of reformulating yourself over and over as technology and politics change. In the end, we choose with our pocketbooks.

1978676_604005333006960_1049953816_nBack to the Education System. In a Nutshell if I were required to give a vote, I strongly believe in Student Led Education. Teachers may still be embraced but they would be more of a supporter than the middle man delivering the Government Mandated (laugh here, I did) Education. Kids know what excites them. My Medical School Pearl: Do one, see one, teach one. And sometimes you have to skip a step or two applies to children just as well. Teaching them how to fit into systems that have sucked the vitality out of 10888658_924888824201932_3290616526208574455_ntheir teachers, feels counterintuitive to me. I get so excited hearing the ideas that kids are enthused about. Listening to my three kids has supported me in evolving to who I am today. I could not have done it without them. For this short moment, I am serious. Listen to me now. Believe me later.

P.S. – You will know you are well on your way to actualizing IMG_2536to your optimal self when you will pull the mask off of the bad (for lack of a better word, historical use of this word) guy … and you see yourself. Next thing you need to do is look at your watch, feel it fully, with or without tears. Let me know if it lasts longer than 90 seconds because that would surprise me if it did. Viola! You’re free .. to live consciously now. Repeat as necessary.

I should make little prescriptions on the historical prescription pads. That would be funny…

If you have laughed and learned with me- Grammar Police come take me away!- consider giving a Love Donation. Not the kind that could (pro)create more children for our Education System. Money is one option but perhaps you have a creative idea for energy exchange. Maybe donate to a cause that you feel might excite us both and let me know. Love that idea!  Buy yourself a piece of Art for your own personal enjoyment, especially if you have never owned original Art. The point I am trying to make is that it is very good for you to exchange good vibrations/energy in a conscious way.IMG_3221 If you receive something that is of value, consider what you might give in return. Giving appreciation is huge too. Perhaps it could be appreciation initially, then 1 year later you find yourself in an amazing turnaround in your life. Maybe that will be the time where you will easily and joyfully pay some money to support the ongoing flow. I do not mean to have anyone worry about me. I trust that everything I need will 10382878_10153540843625884_2483319835205548085_ncome my way. So if my highest good needs more money, then I trust that the match to that requirement will be filled by another person getting excited to send along an appreciation in the form of money. I do not always know how it will look. Any conscious action outside of just sharing my excitement via my writing, is unnecessary. I ask you to follow your own excitement. Simply ask yourself the question: is there an authentic (and respectful) way that I can exchange energy with the Disabled Angel? Honor your answer.

Recently I gave $10 to Wikipedia when I noted their optional donation request. It did not take long for me to realize that I would like to give more. I use them regularly and I appreciate them a lot. They had suggested $3 so I felt generous with $10 at first. I will top it up. Follow my feelings that $10 was not enough.  Mentioned to my kids and they were all excited that as a family we would donate.  There are four of us using the service.

This concept is a fun little experiment I am doing with the Universe. I have really enjoyed this approach10390027_636596576418846_3547467059346390237_n with many of the Spiritual Teachers. I pick the amount and the when. Some of them have created communities where you pay a monthly fee: Lee Harris and Bentinho Massaro. I value their work immensely so subscribed. I feel good supporting them with appreciation and money.  Love Donation Button coming to the website soon …

Pay it Forward

Fear is Expensive … Emotional Freedom is Priceless

Time Freedom Means More Than Money

IMG_3118Freedom is Priceless

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.  Albert Camus.  One of my all-time favorite quotes.

Wrote January 9 – 14, 2011

Tips I have learned about why I may prefer to pay more at times:

1.  Support locally owned businesses.  Make your community as self-sufficient as possible.

2.  Buy a superiorly designed item.  Serves you longer.  Reduces landfill use.1044724_673549689325390_822053093_n

3.  Services well delivered can save you time, frustration or complications.  I value that above price comparison.

4.  Enjoy the camraderie of either a service provider or a vendor.  Life is short.  Enjoy the moment.

5.  I will pay more sometimes even if I know I can get it cheaper somewhere else.  Location does count in this world. There is a cost that hides from view whenever you get behind the steering wheel.

Late addition:  Recently I received an answer to my oft-repeated question, What am I doing?  Numerous IMG_2280Facebook Pages, sharing stories on this website.  Short Answer:  I am building a School.  In 2015, it is on the World Wide Web.  Being mine, I would intend it to be fun, entertaining and educational.  Participation:  voluntary.  No mandates here.  Important to include topics that in the old mindset were difficult to discuss:  Sex, Money, Spirituality.  In a Nutshell.

I am a monumental fan of the shortcut.  My greatest dream would be to enable and empower people to the quick fix of changing from fear/scarcity mindset to love/abundance mindset … bypassing the old fashioned losing your mind path that I took.  It is my sense that this has been discovered by many individuals.  The difference I refer to is a more Assembly Line approach for the masses.

 

10458721_680855755302936_9132999268796953444_nJanuary 23, 2014
Breaking News!  Target Canada has filed for Bankruptcy.  I do not make any effort to catch news but somehow found myself driving my son to school after he missed the bus so I heard it on the radio.  Just another example of how I catch the news I need, when I need it.  Unbelievable!  Paints quite a contrast to the little Laugh & Learn story let me tell you.

Target Canada Owes Nearly $5 Billion To Creditors.

62164_429322307134331_534119553_n

Target owes money to 1800 businesses from around the world, including over $62,000 to an Edmonton based company Baby Gourmet Foods.  Owes Revenue Canada, the taxman, over $12 million.IMG_3443

Target CEO’s Golden Handshake Pretty Much Matches The One For All 17,600 Canadian Employees

Greg Steinhefel left the company Spring of 2014 with a mulifactorial walk away package.  Wow!  At the bottom of the Huffington Post article linked above is the top 18 countries CEO to Employee ratio of pay.  Sitting at #1:  USA.  #2:  Oh Canada!  Things that make you go Hmmmmmm …

$59 Million was set aside for a 16 week Employee Severance package for the entire 17,600 Target Canada Employees.

 

 

 

 

Mr. Brasil: Episode 2

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IMG_3197January 4, 2015, a Saturday, I was completely surprised but tickled pink to receive a text from Mr. Brasil around 10pm. Just the text alone was more than I would have ever expected. We continued to playfully go back and forth via text. It was not long before a date was implied … to go skating. And then all of a sudden I am being invited right then … to the acreage. I was to redeem myself for my pirating of the movie Interstellar, the activity his text found me in.  Past or no past, could not deny the excitement at seeing him again. Afterthought from him was to bring warm clothes and my skates. He had a pond just off his property that he had been clearing of snow to allow for skating. I looked up the weather forecast on my phone app: there was a cold weather warning out. -29 degrees Celcius, felt like -34 (mild windchill). Perfect! Ignore warnings. A hobby 10897955_922556191101862_6804258745692017219_nof mine. I excitedly collected my newest acquisitions from Camper’s Village. A red North Face uber-warm jacket that covers my derrière and my very first pair of Sorel boots. Not sure how a Canadian manages to thrive for 48 years without ever owning a pair of the superior thermal boots but I did. This pair was sparkly silver. I felt the ensemble was pretty smart looking … for any Inuit opportunities that might come along. My longtime hat with earflaps from LL Bean completed the look. He described my hat as “like an old lady”. He did not stop there but continued to recount seeing a lady at the grocery store that same day wearing a hat like mine. Let the deflation begin… Luckily, my Forrest Gump traits kick in at times like these.  The comment was quickly left behind.  Back to enjoying his company, which I thoroughly did as always.

We bundled up, he looking more the criminal now with his balaclava and ski goggles. I felt less 1901235_917193034992017_7309283207525077298_nequipped as my nose and cheeks were exposed. Checked off a Bucket List item that I had not been aware of. Ride on the back of an ATV, driven by a sexy beast, under a full moon at midnight in Beautiful rural Alberta at -30 degrees. Not a cloud to obscure the sky full of stars.(Coldplay) Breathtaking. The drive to the skating pond was a thrill – for me. Ho hum – for him. Kinda like our sex life … sadly. I think lame was a term that was cast about at one point.  It is my middle name afterall.  Claudette means lame or disabled.  I have translated it to differently-abled for my writing, not sure the same translation works here. A great mystery to me.  With scientific interest, I wanted to explore the mismatch.  Defied logic to my perception.  I have an active imagination and have hypotheses but my lips are sealed for now.  What lurks beneath the surface?  Something outside of ordinary experience?  Just a hunch…

Whoops, back to the story. Narrow path. At times evergreen branches would sweep across us. Steep descent. Gravity pressing me into his back. Hang on, sweet Angel!  That would be me talking to myself.

Huayna Picchu stairs at Machu Picchu in Peru

Huayna Picchu stairs at Machu Picchu in Peru

 I treat myself like a queen. We walked around a little once at the site but headed back to camp shortly thereafter. He reminded me of myself when he stopped midway up the hill on the trail at a pile of chopped wood. His habit was not to waste a trip but to grab a load each time he goes by on the Quad, filling the front cargo. A hauling moment prevents a hauling day. The concept is an adaptation from a Norwex (ecofriendly cleaning product company… yes from Norway) sales rep’s sound advice “a cleaning moment prevents a cleaning day”. She taught me all the details and I used them in those two years that I cleaned my own house. It works! Back to the story.

Speed was fast going up, one large log flew off. Carry on. Our habits define us. He is very industrious: a get ‘er done kind of guy. Efficiency is IMG_3224celebrated. Gotta love that! While other men are discussing why something may not be possible, he would be half way done the job. That was my perception anyway. I did not know him all that well and only since August 2014. Busy schedules have found us together seldomly. But I know a good man when I see one. Similar to my best girlfriends. Large gaps occur in our meetups but we always pick up right where we left off. My girlfriends, that is. It was only after writing these words that the concept of how uncommonly this loving approach is applied in the more romantically/sexually charged friendships. A pity … Did you notice my gender neutral declaration? I celebrate diversity. I am so 2015!

My moment recognizing that “he was not that into me” had passed weeks before. After returning from my Brasil trip with strict orders not to raise my sexual energy, I was a bit standoffish with Mr. Brasil. He was aware of my unique detoxification instructions which included avoiding alcohol 1471125_718574558154076_1878159865_nand a few other things, most notable sex, even with myself. We had plans to connect a few days before detox. ended. Somehow neither of us texted or called to specify the plans. Weeks passed. I followed my feelings and texted a Merry Christmas with the wish to share New Year’s Eve together. A day later, he texted Merry Christmas, have a nice trip. Noticeably absent was mention of future plans of any sort. Nuff said. I chose to let it go. I used the old stopwatch technique learned from Pema Chodron: no emotion felt fully can last longer than 90 seconds. In my experience, she had always been right. I had pretty much accepted it by then anyway. Just had the inspiration to let him know the bridge was not burned. Make no assumptions. Do not take it personally. Very important, clarify to myself how I feel and choose how I want to act upon my feelings. I 942580_457278334363817_2024466886_nwas certain that he was the most eligible bachelor in the Edmonton region that I was aware of. I enjoyed spending time with him. I chose to send out the flare (the text). I respect his freedom to choose his response too. It takes two to Tango. Before Christmas, no sign of his desire to Tango.

January 4, 2015 curiosity was explored. I enjoyed the moments. The moment is king… always. Whether more moments come, time will tell. My sense is he does not really have very much extra time in his life. In this great big world, this smorgasbord of Beautiful people, there is no need for us to always go it alone. Love to celebrate coming together as often or seldom as is authentic… for both people in any friendship. That is how it works. In my world anyway. I feel I have upgraded my beliefs around relationship.

In the story, You Are The Lover and The Loved, I spoke of how I let my lover go once I recognized my strong attraction to Mr. Brasil. He did not ask me to. I now feel I should not have. Sure enough Mr. Kik returned to his former position after a six month hiatus. I connected with him for the first time this same week December 30, 2014. The married man.

A second married man, I call him my High School Sweetheart, entered the scene. I did not even know him in High School but met him at our 30 year Reunion. Slightly ironic. We hit it off and started a friendship … with a wee romantic flavor. I had been more honest with him than any other man ever. Felt so good. Seemed to draw him to me like a magnet. 602080_610313512328789_904585514_nI immediately started a story called, “Sleeping With A Friend”. I continually reminded him that we will be lifelong friends. I have even informed him who he will be romantically connected to in the future. What do I know? The moment is king, an oft repeated phrase. I did not see us as lovers, but some kissy/cuddly moments kept popping up. Surprising me at first but with repetition, less and less. He treated me so well from the moment we met. I enjoyed his company. He is a perpetually optimistic man with the same bounce in his step that he had in High School. Yes, I had noticed him back then. I nicknamed him top jock from those memories. His tagline: the only one in High School to go from jock to banger to prep in three years. Few men are able to maintain their young man vigor. Our conversations nourished my storytelling. I treasure him.

1013612_926873197336828_6119386977029198629_nWarily I disclose a little conversation I had with myself months ago, before Mr. Brasil. I trust it is apparent from my writing style that I am taking an anthropological, scientific approach to relationships. My experiences and life story serve as the laboratory. I played with and continue to play with concepts in my mind. I questioned the social rules. Have they served our highest good? I perceived that I had connected to a Spirit Guide that has been present since birth but fully into my awareness October 2014. Every now and again I will catch myself asking a question. Intended to be rhetorical. And I get an answer. I used to wonder where the answers came from. I thought it was my higher self that I read about in Spiritual Circles. My perception evolved to that it was from a Spirit Guide.

One fine day in mid 2014, with great exasperation I asked myself, “How many boyfriends do I need?” IMG_3196Rhetorical question just appeared in my thoughts. Forget the details but you know those moments where you wonder why your needs are not being met? Probably this occurred before my website because I was noting that all the boys were so busy working that they had no time for me. Once I started publishing on the website, I had no time for them. What answer do you think I heard? Instant and clear, the answer was “four”. WTF??  I have a saying:  Ask the right question to get the right answer.  I was not ready to hear that answer.  Still not calling it truth but it was an answer.  Beware resisting what could be truth.  It was outside my imagination how that could ever be in this world.  I am aligning with the idea that Understanding is Optional … more often than I would have thought.  But how can you go where you have never been without doing or thinking what you have never done or thought.  Be Nimble in Mind and Body.

It definitely caught my attention. Eyes bugged out (my guess). Turned my head to look over my shoulder. I knew there was nobody there but it seemed prudent to check. I toyed with the concept for a millisecond or two and rejected it. I nearly completely forgot it until it popped into my mind while writing this piece. IMG_3163I sat down to write a channel, a daily habit of connecting to my Spirit Guide while typing (I type questions and the answers come through my fingers. Witnessed the same type of channeling in Brasil numerous times, but they always wrote by hand) and was shocked at this story coming down as you are reading it.

Mysterious fun is what I call it. Some would call it crazy. Just offering an alternative perspective for your consideration. Repressed mediumship is considered a cause of psychosis in some Integretive Psychiatry circles. Thrilled that I have connected to other Professionals who support my direct experience.

Tangentially, I will add in that the movie Interstellar had me quite excited near the end. I was watching it with my 17 year old daughter, the brains behind the piracy operation (I was more the accomplice). 1231294_513284525420255_270353794_nThe rendition of the main character connecting to his daughter in the past via the 5th dimension raised goosebumps. Reminiscent of my first manic experience. It was really hard to explain and yet, here was a moviemaker showing it on film. I was distracted by Mr. Brasil at this crucial point in the film. Need to see it again. We had a slightly inferior quality production by chance. I sensed my daughter’s challenge in hearing me speak of my experiences. I do not take it personally. She received the cultural templates that generate her skepticism … from me. My concept sounds far fetched, I get it. I was speaking very softly and telling her the few points in the movie that I resonated with so much. The young daughter in the movie feeling like she was communicating with a ghost initially. Nobody believed her but she was so sure. The ghost ended up being her Dad in the future. Time being relative was portrayed in an approachable way. Pure physics people. Stories are superior at portraying challenging concepts than a teacher in the classroom. Get it? By design.

10580170_10152456588541296_2183472717941633647_nInterstellar: Another fictional (Truth is Stranger than Fiction) depiction of you don’t know what you don’t know. Our current system is so set on one person declaring that another person does not know what they claim to know. Are we confused yet?

Just sayin’…

My roundabout way to point out: I want to unlearn all that I have learned. And start again.
The Relationship System is up for remodeling. The current state of affairs (pardon the pun) has not won my faith.

I do not discriminate on the basis of marriage… anymore.

IMG_3226The moment is king. There are no rules outside of authenticity, love and respect – Myself first. My feelings are my guide, my arrow. I follow my arrow. Expectations about outcome are a no no. More concerned about what I have found than what I am looking for. We attract what we are. Men are like snowflakes, no two are alike. If it is not fun, I am not in. If the other is not game, it has nothing to do with me. Likely when they are game, it may have little to do with me also. I am the Lover and the Loved. It is all about me. I am all I need. But sharing is fun and feels good. I am love. Love is infinite. Selfishness is the new black. Love the cheekiness of that statement. Keep in mind that one man’s selfish is another’s self-loving.

My current working model In a Nutshell. No joke.

10624920_589799464482771_1512812147475555051_nA woman with six Facebook Pages and a website to express herself might be in a unique position to authentically nurture a number of relationships. Retired and vital. You don’t see that everyday…

Live and Let Live is the bridge to World Peace.

Wanted to point out: my little answer of four men required to match my preferences (I have no attachment to this, but interesting…) is in the current Relationship System. It will be re-written as needed. When you combine the Married man wondering about what to do with his commitment and the single man wanting to avoid commitment at all costs, the impressionist painting is Beautiful. I see the Beauty and Art in everything. The Moment is King. It is hard to be my King when you are not in my Moment. The Moment holds many clues. I have a reputation for being clueless. Freedom to change is always within reach. Yay for me!

IMG_3222I offer that my meandering stories, including this one, try to paint a picture of what living in the now means. In my seeker days, I would roll the concept around in my mind but did not really know how to live it. I still do not. My perception is I am moving towards it. Not without jumping out of the box and crossing a lot of boundaries though. Now can feel so unobtainable even though it is always right here. I sound like some kind of Spiritual Teacher. Hardy har har. I shook my head slowly back and forth after writing that. Paradox.

To keep it 3D, I should add: do not worry about my piracy accomplice crime. I was thoroughly and effectively punished … by Mr. Brasil. I was surprised how much I liked it. The only thing missing was the Police Uniform. Sometimes captivity can be fun.   I will try most things once.  It is not uncommon for one to be having more fun than the other.  Many times, I have been accused of having too much fun.  It is not a crime.  Is it?

IMG_3219Addendum:

Language. Our friend. A finite number of words. In an infinite Universe. Words have context, historical framework. New concepts require new vocabulary. Concepts exist with or without vocabulary. Humans have capability of communicating outside of words and language. I predict we are heading in the direction of using those alternate forms of communication more in coming years. Time will tell. Is time a belief system? What is time? Just because words do not exist to describe something does not mean it is nonexistent. More contents for the Nutshell.

Par example (for example in French):

Dirty Car Art by Scott Wade

Dirty Car Art by Scott Wade

The story of Mr. Brasil was playfully shared. I love my story even though I rarely understand it. Understanding is optional, as is suffering. Many details missing in my stories in general. Believe it or not, I am far from telling all. Going back to the start with Mr. Brasil: playing together in cars. Interesting how in the confined space of a vehicle, lips met. Bodies were embraced. Two playful adults. So. Amazing. Each time, I had the same 10409385_1537760099796895_1999770625271799639_nexperience, new to me, that I called melting. Thoroughly enjoyed the moments. Very passionate. Could not get enough. Until my entire body melted. Bliss. Like a surge of warm, fuzzy energy spread across my chest and then throughout my body. As if I was instantly heavier, more dense. I was unable to continue to kiss etc. So serene. Heaven. My physical matter melted onto the seat, in some symbolic way. Reflections about what this was led me to state to myself, “If I never had another orgasm, and had meltings instead, I would be just fine.” A strange choice of words indeed. Months later, I heard Teal Swan talking about 10464381_670425499709109_7747608363145942127_nOrgasms, two kinds: Intrinsic and Extrinsic. Eureka! The word I was looking for was intrinsic orgasm.  True Story:  experienced these amazing orgasms and did not even realize they were orgasms.  Pretty funny.  Or clueless.  Just because I did not understand or have a word for the experience, did not deny the experience. Listen to me now. Believe me later.

Experience is a model teacher. In a Nutshell.  Vocabulary can lag.  Clueless upgrades to unaware.  When I have the intention to become aware, it happens … in a heartbeat.  Yet not for the fainthearted is what I have been told.

10911360_10153022397223707_2381918382876602041_o-1Metaphysical exploration. Go where no man or woman has gone before. Perhaps a few have gone before. I consider myself a Pioneer, albeit a reluctant one. Like the Astronaut who went into the black hole in the movie Interstellar. I have no idea where I am going or what I will find. I would not be surprised if the experiences lack vocabulary. Hard to have a word for something rarely experienced. I plan to keep that in mind.

22 Signs You Are Embodying Your Higher Self  by Gustavo Castener, Founder of Ascended Relationships.  Especially love #22.  Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously.  Do not worry there.  I do not.

Immediately after reading Gustavo’s article, a handwritten channel came down.  Apparently Peter, my Spirit Guide, wanted to tweak one area.  It was #10.  Activating Your DNA that prompted the following:

1454700_815151175197123_5151160200590397139_nDNA Activation may be better termed transmutation.  Its Physics definition is the relevant one:  any process in which a nuclide is transformed into a different nuclide.  Another of the definitions was the Alchemical one.  He does not feel Alchemy is a useful concept moving forward.  I had always been attracted to the term alchemy.  The Physics of Consciousness Professor, me, was unfamiliar with the word nuclide.  Peter gave a thumbs up to both of the definitions given on dictionary.com.

noun, Physics.
1. an atomic species in which the atoms all have the same atomic number and mass number.
2. an individual atom in such a species.

 

Reading this definition gave me little understanding about what was meant.  Peter clarified that one nuclide would 522634_378303168858368_2113529824_nincrease energetic vibration, thus be changed.  I perceived it as truth.  We are all free to choose the reality we experience.  Do you want to evolve?  It is a Yes or No question.  You are free to choose.

 

Love and respect the work of Gustavo Castener.  Somehow was compelled to translate this one detail from his concise, expansive document … written for those who answered Yes to do you want to evolve.  For those who answered no, please ignore.  It will make no sense to you.  You are free to dismiss it.
To my perception, it is an approachable description of what some people are now experiencing.  For a subset of us, we experience a Spiritual Emergency as the synchronicities come into our awareness.

 

My translation:  we freak out when our actual experience seems impossible based on our understanding of reality.
Medical Science Perspective:  Psychotic Episode.

 

Not being aware of this transmutation process, an energetic phenomenon best pigeon-holed into Quantum Physics, the patient gets lost in translation.  The patient and the Doctor are living by different rulebooks.  Quantum Physics itself has long known about paradox.  One set of rules for large objects and then the Quantum rules for tiny, tiny objects.  Observer effect etc.  Things may not be what they seem.  It really shocked me when I learned that these quantum physics concepts that challenge the status quo in Science have been known since the 1940’s.  Funny (for lack of a better word) they never came up in my education which included IMG_3198University level Physics.  I toyed briefly with the idea of going into Physics in University. I loved Physics in High School.  My University Physics Professor knew my face and name based on his seeking me out. I entered the final exam with a 100% average – blown when I got one wrong answer.  No big.  Decided that I could not imagine a job outside of Physics Professor.  Was tentative about the male domination also.  Women were a severe minority in the Department.  As strong as my interest in Physics was, it was only Newtonian Physics that appeared available.  Pity.

 

The Ascended Relationship article just dropped into my lap the day prior to publishing what I thought was the finished story …along with large volumes of other things I needed that day.  I was overflowing with Gratitude.  That day (aka yesterday), I was not freaking out.  Still taking 600mg of Lithium though.  For lack of a better word, I understand.  Matt Kahn so wisely advised at the retreat I attended September 2014 to act casually.  I upgrade my teacher’s words to:  Act Naturally.  Of course, you may not know what naturally means with the new rulebook.

Jimmy Neutron

Jimmy Neutron

Abundantly (you have what you need to have when you need to have it):  Experience is the model teacher.  Follow your arrow/compass/excitement.

This is not Rocket Science.  Oh wait a minute, maybe it is.  Jimmy Neutron (cartoon movie that I highly recommend).

 

map10Using some of Matt Kahn’s suggestions, I calmly noted, “wow you don’t see this amount of synchronistic flow everyday”.  Interesting …  One large difference between just prior to my first Manic Episode with Psychotic features and this new trend was that I was more able to act Naturally this time.  Very casual.  Physically, I have adapted a lot.  Energetic vibration on day of admission, October 2012:  over 500.  Einstein was 499.  To get over 500 (Love or Above), you have to lose your mind.  Translation:  Your mind becomes a tool rather than the CEO of your life.  Heart-based living.  True Story.  I continue to vibrate over 500.  Experience needs to unlearn all that we have learned (Yoda) because there is a new rulebook when you vibrate above 500.  It would be fun to call it the Rocket Science Rulebook!

 

988925_10205570960821875_5809144999814645401_n
Did I mention that my mom phoned that same morning?  Just to touch base.  I felt very connected.

 

I had the urge to publish three stories in one day.  Two was all that reality allowed.  No big.  Self-doubt swirled around like a dust devil.  I created a new mantra:  Self-doubt, be gone!  I repeated it frequently for about 30 minutes.  Then I got back to work.

 

Thought I would mention that Mr. Brasil Episode 2 flowed very smoothly from my fingers. Peter is claiming nearly 100% on this one. First time ever. In the past it has been both of us. He stated that this

Bentinho Massaro's School

Bentinho Massaro’s School

is the new normal. I am now a clearer conduit for him to channel stories from our shared perspective. For efficiency sake. It is a fact that I am distractable. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It was easier to keep track when the two events written about coincidentally occurred on the same day. I was watching Interstellar, Mr. Brasil texted immediately followed by a visit. Made me think of Bentinho Massaro describing it as Following the Breadcrumb Trail until you find yourself in the Flow. When you are in the Flow, you just Know. An Excellent Prognostic Indicator – my old Doctor Speak. Tee hee.

Love this Quote:10347772_10152517555954150_1874949991758299173_n
Hope means intentionally using the idea of a future to keep you from experiencing the present. It’s a crutch, but when you feel lame, use it. Byron Katie

One of my final read throughs, I asked myself if this was my Disability, the Lame in Disabled Angel.  Not living in the Now.  I got a No.  It is the connection to an unnatural, sick by the old rulebook, Collective Consciousness.  The majority of people do not know who they really are, as creator beings … and it is infectious.  Not in the Sciency way but the Rocket Sciency way.  I am dumbing it down here.  Capiche?  Not.  An inside joke for my Bro’.  I always write with the intention that it will be read by the right person, at the right time for my highest good and the highest good of all.  Likely, I repeat myself there as my highest good and the highest good of all are synonymous in the off chance that they are not.  Very curious when his reading it will serve the highest good. Would love for him to understand why I laughed so hard when he brought me to Emergency October 2012.  I called myself the Angel AHCIP-health-cardComedian.  When we first presented, the lady behind the desk asked for the patient’s Healthcare Card.  I laughed like a fool, telling my Bro’ to hand his over.  He was the one worried and concerned.  An unnatural state for an Actualized Human Being.  Being honest to a fault, I knew he was more sick than I.  Everything was suddenly backwards to all of my prior beliefs.  Recognizing it all at once … was hilarious to me.  The biggest IMG_3265Scooby Doo ending I had ever been aware of!  I was too honest for everyone.  They could not handle the truth.  Coming from the fool.  This is not new.  Remember Shakespeare?  I did not embrace being the bearer of truth in that moment.  It brought out a lot of fear.  Ancestral fear of being burned at the stake.  3D fear of being committed, involuntary admission to a Psychiatric ward.  With my Medical experience, I knew what was going to happen next.  I am grateful that they no longer use straight jackets but was disappointed that the rubber room was no longer in use.  That would have been Fun.  Leave it to the Psychiatric System to take out the Fun Part.  This loop has been running a while.  Comedians (my upgrade for fool) have a lot to offer in the New World.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.  Albert Einstein

P.S. – Possibly one was left uncertain what I was trying to convey here.

One point worth mentioning:  Leaving my friend’s acreage Sunday morning, I had no idea if I would ever see him again despite the fact that I would welcome it wholeheartedly.  Huge surprise to me that the moment I arrived home, seven pages of story went down with grace and ease.  And everything I needed for the story came in at a pace not too fast, not too slow.  If it was too slow, it would be inefficient.  One would have to get into the story numerous times.  Too fast would 10487338_10152728720711764_8780698978336149048_noverwhelm a person – Psychotic break a couple of times in my history.  I was resisting what was flowing through me.  Blew a fuse.  As in Goldilocks and the three Bears, there was a juuuust right.  That was Easy…  It would be impossible for me to regret my thoroughly enjoyable time with Mr. Brasil (even if he thought it was lame).  So sometimes when I laugh, I understand it could be deemed crazy.  But from my perspective, I laugh and would love to take on the challenge of figuring out how to tame that sexy Beast.  Yes, that probably sounds rude.  I mean it as a compliment.  It is very authentic for me.  Do you see the invincibility here?  It does not hurt my feelings.  It makes me curious.  Curiosity never killed the cat.  That’s what they say.  Go ahead.  Call me crazy.  I call me Resilient … by Design.

Live and Let Live is the Bridge to Optimal Health … and World Peace.

I take my Beloved (self) wherever I go.  I am not in need.  My arrow will point me back to Mr. Brasil if that serves me best.  I could say I have full faith but that does not sound strong enough anymore.  I have alignment to my truest self and much more clarity in how this game (of Life) works.  Not necessarily a long term relationship but relating.  Take One Step at a Time.  We may be best served with a few more experiences together, a lot more experiences or not another experience.  I used to call it Embrace Uncertainty.  I would now describe the Upgrade as Divine Neutrality (I have heard this term and did not really understand it for a long time).  It could be called Embodying Your Higher Self.  It is an Invincible Feeling.  Yet the Human is still shockingly present.  There is no need to call an Experience Bad or Good.  My Upgrade now for experiences is Authentic.  I desire Authentic Experiences Everyday … All Day.

10917126_10153039784790159_4299197659111626952_n Since I cannot ever have anything but.  A Dream Comes True in Every Moment.  Reality in Every Moment.  Transmutes to:  A Miracle in Every Moment.

Because in my world what used to be called a Miracle is now Reality.  Pure Physics of Consciousness people…  When you feel it, you will know.  Commonly, reading somebody else’s story can act like a signpost to help you read the unique signs in your own life.  Shamen and Medicine Men/Women in the Aboriginal cultures have long known this.  Storytelling, dancing and music are the ancient prescriptions for Soul Healing aka Holistic Healing.  Empowers the Self-Healer within each one of us.  Bad (for lack of a better word) news is it would eventually put Doctors Out of Business.  Empowerment Coaches are the new Family Physician.

That is how my Medical Doctor can be right about Bipolar Disorder … and I too am right about Bipolar Disorder.  It is Not Right and 10686879_765627526851200_3569620951318059564_nWrong but Two Versions of Right.

10576944_10155087922480492_1432669577908125682_n

Transmutation … in a Nutshell

The Beautiful Truth is the Freedom to Choose which mindset you live from.  Live and Let Live.  Beware one mindset holding the other mindset Captive.  The Leap of Faith so often described is when one starts to consciously believe that one’s thoughts/intentions (energetic vibrations truly) create the perceived reality.  Can feel a little crappy.  You are shocked that you would have created things as they are … but you did not do it consciously.  Consciously or unconsciously, it is my belief that the power is there for each one of us.   So when a captor chooses not to believe the other’s mindset, fine.  When he insists on the captive feeling how he feels, there is a disturbance in the force.  Star Wars joke.  Peace is Impossible without the Live and Let Live.  The Different Mindsets:  no Problem as long as Freedom to Choose Mindsets Exists.

Just as Don Miguel Ruiz has long inspired, I am Impeccable with My Words.  Follow me?58506_629276287099178_342701277_n

Disclaimer:  Every individual is different, with a different Soul Purpose.  Just because my purpose may be best served by four romantic gentleman friends now in my life, does not mean the same is true for you.  Or even for me in the future.  Perhaps, this story was required and now the rulebook changes.  That is partly what I mean when I say:

Be Nimble in Mind and Body.

The Crutch of looking ahead is Prohibitively Disabling. 

The Crutch of looking ahead is Radically Disabling.

The Crutch of looking ahead is Gloriously Disabling.

  • Be Not Afraid.  It’s A Beautiful World by Dierks Bentley featuring Patty Griffin.  It’s a Beautiful World.  And You are holding the Key.  The fun part is discovering which locks your key opens.
  • Listen to Me Now.  Believe Me Later.

 

 

Mr. Brazil: Pilot Episode

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The story channeled down only four days following me feeling like I would never write a story onIMG_2675 this topic. Never say never: one of my old standbys. I cannot remember the exact details but an extremely special gentleman friend suggested that I write a story about some interactions we were having. My first thought was, “you know, you may not want to be the inspiration of a story in my hands”. For most of my male romantic interests, it is not necessarily a place you would choose to find yourself. I kept going back to the statement in my mind. Why not write a story about my sexy beast, my juicy Jesus, my Italian stallion? Quite a few nicknames have collected in the short time since we met on August 9, 2014 – at the Edmonton Folk Music Festival. My FFF – Folk Fest Friend. My new lover. My new friend. My new playmate. My inspiration. Sigh…

I consider the connection like the Pilot of a television sitcom.  You shoot the first episode and then find out if the series will fly or not.  Love swishing the early memories of our meeting and meetups around in my heart and mind. First of all, I did not purchase a ticket for the Festival. I was expecting to get a free pass from one of two possible friends. The same expectation last year left me wanting. In 2013, it did not work out. I was disappointed but planned to go on-site and try to luck out and find someone with an extra ticket as there so often is. Turned out once that weekend arrived, I just wasn’t in the mood. I spent 1604762_713257765382381_6052632338758135523_nan introspective weekend on my own, mostly hanging in my backyard enjoying some lovely summer weather. What a difference a year can make. The date was drawing nearer. Still no word on tickets. Thought of it a couple of times but tickets had long sold out. Cast it out of my mind as quickly as I could. Nearly last minute, my buddy came through with not only a pass but an all access pass. I was feeling very looked after and grateful.

David Francey – Grateful

Turned out I was not inspired to partake in any of the fancy extras that came with the all access pass. Just being there was the part I loved. It had been three years since I attended the Festival so it was overdue. Prior years, I had dragged kids along at times so they knew what it was all about. Kids under 11 are free. Now two of my kids would have required tickets so less of an option this time. The kids clearly vocalized that outside of the Kettle Corn, they could leave Folk Fest behind. Being the fantabulous mom that I am, that was all the nudging I needed to ensure they experienced Folk Fest fully. I vowed to buy the biggest sized Kettle Corn that same night I learned of their feelings. Saturday night here I come! I 10255194_727773793927994_8071109412876417641_narrived to the site. Made my third of a nightly stop at the Beer Gardens. Beat several men off with a stick. Exchanged phone numbers with one lucky gent the prior night. Tee hee. I clearly stated it would be great to have supper sometime. I nicknamed him James Bond as he bore a likeness to the most recent actor playing James in the movies. Lots of wild stories. He asked me if I would actually phone him. I honestly stated, “I don’t know”. He applauded my honesty. Received a few calls from him that weekend. Kind of the twenty questions approach to dating. He asked me over the phone what do I look for in a romantic partner. Etc. Etc. Kind of giving the sense that he would not want to waste his time having dinner with me unless he knew a little more (or a lot?) about his odds of connecting romantically. Not a style that I endorse, by the way. He did save himself some time though. I saw him as a friend. He had a lot of those kinds of friends in his life already it became apparent – from his stories. Imagine that? Unlike myself, he was not desiring another one. Who knows? Funny that a friend, my latest singing teacher, who came along while I was talking to him, later 10537865_751085368285688_4406400292391051204_nconveyed that she highly recommend that I steer clear from this particular man. She was volunteering in the Beer Gardens. I guess he drinks a lot and created some problems over the weekend. Hmmm…  These things have a way or working themselves out.  I was certain that I would enjoy his friendship.  That was not what he had in mind.  No harm.  No foul.  Authenticity rules!

Getting back to the Kettle Corn. After the Beer Gardens, I had a very big decision to make. Do I buy the big bag of Kettle Corn now or later? Ha ha. Well. I did not know when the Kettle Corn stand would close. “Now is as good a time as later” – in this particular case it was better but I did not know that then. So many sizes of the sweet and salty popcorn to choose from. “Oh, I’ll take the biggest please.” Turns out that was a very big bag of corn. I was equipped that night with only a small backpack. I learned long ago that I am not the typical Folk Fester. There is a culture where everyone stakes their claim of land with a specific regulation sized tarp. Then most people just fart around everywhere with the beautiful comfort in knowing that their place will be ready and waiting all weekend long. Some people look at you funny if you even step a toe onto their homestead for the day. So I had made zero effort to stake my posterboyclaim. I was flying solo so even if I had a homestead to call my own, it would not seem prudent to leave valuables behind. Hence, the oh so fashionable little backpack. Many years, I would sport the even more fashionable fanny pack. I was teased a bit for that trend. The backpack was my attempt to bring it up a notch. Geeky is as geeky does…
Backpacks can come in handy but this was not the right backpack to contain the largest bag of Kettle Corn. The treat bag was a large cylindrical shape that I attempted to store inside the backpack but one third jutted out of the top insistently – not unlike the semi-erect penis from my story “It’s All In The Jeans”. Except it was sticking all the way out.  Picture duplicated for the curious. Next stop was the dancefloor to the right of the stage. It was semi crowded. My wallet was also in the pack so I just danced with it on my back. That corn attracted a fair amount of attention. One trio of women took turns performing fellatio-like motions with it. It was quite entertaining. Many commented on my popcorn. Wait for it… Wait for it…

One tall, handsome gent happened along. Not sure what he said exactly but it prompted an extremely 1235401_508083015946003_513526984_ngenuine offer from me, “Want some? Have some.” He was not the first that I had said that to but it was with a lot more authenticity in his case. His reflex response was “no thank you”. But with only a millisecond pause was followed up with, “…perhaps I do”. Mr. Magnetic took two steps back while saying it, bringing his body in line as it was like a magnetic force was holding our faces from getting too far away from each other once the first glance was locked on. Mmmm… He had my full attention. Playful banter. Hint of an accent. “Are you French Canadian?” Yes, he replied. Felt like two minutes went by and we were exchanging phone numbers. His version, I have learned, does not match mine in the time before numbers were exchanged. What do you know? It had been decades since I had exchanged phone numbers. That weekend it was happening twice. Something in the air…

folk music fest

Edmonton Folk Fest

As he typed in my name, he got the accent in my first name wrong. I was quick to accuse, “you are busted! You are not French Canadian!” He just smiled. It was a while before the truth came out – raised in Brazil, left at 18 to spend a decade in Montreal and then moving to the Edmonton area. He enjoyed a significant relationship lasting over a decade with a French Canadian woman which occurred in French. His French speech is/is divine.  Explained why he was frequently mistaken for French. Despite the fact that French was my first language, I am not bilingual. He was quick to detect my insecurity. Did I get sidetracked?

Once we met, we spent the rest of the night together. The sun had already set. The music was great. The IMG_2718night ended with Michael Franti and Spearhead. I had heard them at a prior Folk Fest. Purchased some of their music shortly thereafter. Awesome band live!

Michael Franti & Spearhead with Sonna Rele The song is called 11:59.

Whether this song played that night, I was not sure. Was a little distracted. There was a playful, sexy man with some sparkles painted over his cheeks – nice touch. Never got the story about those. I would imagine a hopeful lass was flirting with him and applied this beautiful effect. Thank you Darlin’. He is in his prime after all. One of many fond memories that have accumulated was watching him enter the beer gardens the next night, Sunday. We were both playing the casual game – to be expected when you first meet someone. We loosely agreed to meetup there after a short hello late afternoon. The afternoon meetup was only because some smarty pants dropped her all access pass in his car the night prior. (How could I do that? … My precious.) So when I texted that I was heading for my nightly ritual drink, he quickly replied he was 5 minutes behind me. Nice. I quickly form traditions in life. My beer gardens 10509549_678504848903818_6463340056614536228_nroutine was to collect my drink and enjoy it at the furthermost point from service as that was one of the only areas you could see the main stage – to enjoy the tunes more live than through the speakers they had set up within. I had full and easy view of the entrance. Enter Mr. Magnetic. Somehow does not look my way. He was taking a motorcyclist’s strategy: to look where you want to go, not where you are going … see photo. Was thrilled the first time I saw him standing next to his beautiful Triumph bike. One cool night, watching him zipping on his chaps to leave sent me over the moon!

Hope to someday replace this pic with the inspired idea from that day...

Hope to someday replace this pic with the inspired idea from that day. My lips are sealed…

Inspiration hit, let me tell you.  My photo shoot involves fully clothed … and those chaps.  I shared my dream with him.  No reaction.  Fair enough…

I shake my head now … OK. Breathe.

Back to Sunday night: watching him walk through the crowd towards the service area was sublime. I wish I could show the video clip. His posture. Quiet masculine confidence in his gait. Beautiful silhouette from behind. His black sleeveless Blues Festival T-shirt – the result of a cute shirt exchange the day prior with a fellow Folk Fester– showing a healthy musculature. Shoulders that go on and on. Blue jeans with sports sandals. Sporting a backwards baseball cap. Seeming the perfect combination of boyish playfulness not taking away from all that is masculine man. Could not take my eyes off of him. Clearly, I was not the only one when I somehow managed to pay 10482426_10202093475291096_3519226698592942977_nattention. Forget calling out, “here I am”. Forget texting to get his attention. Just sat back and enjoyed the view. “Live in the now”. Like a fine wine, I was just rolling that experience around in my mind. Mmmmm… “Yes, this is a good year.” His essence was taken in using senses I did not know I had. Don’t know how else to describe it. Wow! Liking. This. Guy.

I was pulled out of La La land by his text: “Guess I don’t see you. Will keep moving.”  Foreshadowing??

There was no hesitation. I texted back: “Where are you?” When he answered. I immediately went there. He was surrounded by three very young ladies…and one young man. Slight discomfort on my part. One of the ladies wanted him badly. She was beautiful, inside and out. Should mention that at this point, I did not know how old he was. When we exchanged phone numbers, I asked his age. He asked how old I thought he was. We repeated the same questions reversed. He guessed 35 for me. I was more timid giving a range 25-35. Answers were never sorted out. Seeing him in this young circle had me thinking. Whoops! Maybe he was 25 or so. I sat in my discomfort. Let us not jump to any conclusions. How did I feel? Very taken and interested in this man of unknown age. “Let the moment teach me”. He does not leave me hanging too long before he declares, “let’s go”…and he meant he and I. Promising. Everyone gets up to hug goodbye. The interested girl was 10532358_10203596591942843_8165671323331225462_nnearly 6 feet tall – wow! Loved that I hugged her extra long and whispered in her ear that she was beautiful in and out – which was my authentic sense. I had been on the receiving end of this type of action. Quite effective. You kind of fall in love with the girl…and you leave her guy alone. Just sayin’. If you are looking for options. Mr. Magnetic is 6 foot 2 so maybe he might prefer taller women? I am 5 foot 7. See how insecure I could be? I felt it rush through me. Not for long though. Things have a way of sorting themselves out. Next minute, I was being introduced to a close friend of his … that he was sure would get along with me well. He was right. They work together and displayed their lovely friendship to me. We talked about Ecuador, a place I had visited in 2012. His friend was very interested in Ecuador as a place to retire – being 55 years old. OK, now my new friend seemed more 35 years old all of a sudden. These two spent a fair amount of time together outside of work. I was enjoying this sleuth game I was playing. How old was this most eligible bachelor? Before long it came out that Mr. Magnetic had experience with Ayahuasca – as I had. Sooooo interesting. What have we here now? That might explain a few things.

Maybe I skipped over some Saturday night stuff. Who me?

Once we got our introductions and phone number exchanges out of the way, we jumped right into having some fun. Dancing. Flirting. Teasing. Goofing around. It was not long before we were kissing. So good. We felt a bit cramped on the public dancefloor area. We created our own private dance area out of the way of things. Now we were in our own little world. The crowd around us disappeared. I will always 10527848_10152271449589150_7710240693339348276_nremember his bold moves. One of which: He forcibly grabbed a handful of my hair with his right hand, repeated with his left on the other side of my head and then kissed me the way I have always wanted to be kissed. I. Was. Lost. In the best imaginable way. We were starring in our own movie. Playful adolescent pups. I guess we were putting on a show for a lot of people. All kinds of acrobatic dancing and playing and kissing and hugging and talking. To me, it felt like it was just us. The throngs of people nearby just melted away.

I’m Alive (Life Sounds Like)  Michael Franti & Spearhead

So as the end neared, he suggested we go somewhere. I laugh when I recall my uncertainty. Not jumping at yes somehow. I asked, “where would we go?” I guess that was my playing hard to get. Ha ha 10923276_916877458324261_5199118135966593097_nto that. No further specification was discussed. He noted that I was parked off site, he was parked within walking distance. He gently stated that he would drive me to my car. OK. We were just like longstanding boyfriend and girlfriend walking along the darkened streets with his arm around me. He got a little turned around having trouble finding his car. The long walk was enjoyable. No rush to end. Long story short, we spent a fair amount of time in that car that night. I was again reminded that there was a God…

Somehow my precious all access pass does not leave the car with me. What do you know about that?

Getting back to Sunday, the last day of the Festival: last two acts were Phosphorescent and Blue Rodeo. I was inspired to see Phosphorescent but ended up missing it once I left my usual spot in the Beer Gardens to connect with Mr. Magnetic. Slightly dismayed. No enthusiasm for Blue Rodeo despite liking their music back in the day. The performance Sharad Haksar (Kashmir, India).matched my expectation. We left early. He must be just like me because we had already established our routine. He again drove me to my vehicle. From the prior night’s experience, we decided to visit in my more spacious vehicle this time. Tee hee. I have to laugh as I recall that I stated to myself, “I am not jumping into bed with the next guy I meet that I am interested in”. You know by now that I am a powerful being (as we all are). When I declare something… so it is. Well there definitely was no bed in sight, I assure you. True to my word … as always. Gotta laugh…

 

10513297_737689886297392_3579993949286812343_nFeeling pretty intimately connected by the end of this night. We had never been on a formal date together. Turns out, we both agreed that traditional dates were not our preferred style of connecting. It was time to ask again, “How old are you?” I was holding my breath. I wanted the answer to be over 30. I was still unsure. His answer: 36!!! Yeah for me! I could let out my breath. More comfortable than I was expecting. Well preserved at his tender young age even. Really never heard his truest reaction to my answer: 47. Seemed this matched the prior trend for both of us. Amazing. A saying I often repeat to myself, the concept introduced to me by a spiritual teacher Bentinho Massaro, if you have an inspiration to do something, somewhere in the world will be a match to that inspiration. A comforting thought, to my mind.

Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel

Interlude:

Marc Quinn, co-founder of Turn On London, talks with Alex Howard about the practice of Orgasmic Meditation (OM) and specifically how we can have more authentic communication in our relationships.

This video really speaks to my experiential learning in the dating game of 2014. Authenticity is what I want. I noticed many templates being

Most inspiring couple I had met all year ... in Brazil

Most inspiring couple I had met in 2014 … in Abadiania, Brazil

used as I played with the boys on the Plenty of Fish (POF) dating website. So glad I did though. I would never have been prepared for a real man like Mr. Brazil without noticing what was not working. Throwing out all the old templates. On my own, I decided that I would ask three questions while dating any man to guide my behavior:

What do I want right now?

Am I having fun?

How do I feel?  Past history often found me wringing my hands wondering how the gentleman felt.  As much as it was relevant, it was not as relevant as how I felt.

Slightly simplistic. But in the early dating stages, anything else is a total bore. So many people seem to be so ahead of 10487599_784344504937589_9047944922428058621_nthemselves with the twenty questions etc. I had a funny experience with another writer back in the POF days. He only wrote in poetry – all questions and answers. Quite unique. I was always drawn to people expressing themselves fully.  Quirky and unique style:  a bonus. I recommended he read my writing. Do opposites attract? In that case, no. He was repelled. I laughed. And vowed that I do not want to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. I must be my fullest self. That is the only way that I will believe in the affections of the suitor. If they do not know the real me, they cannot love the real me. Seemed every romantic movie ever made is based on this theme.  Do not act like your true self. Almost lose the love interest…until you start acting like your real self. Yet, couples play that one out over and over.  Sadly, myself included …

Stuck In A Loop by Randler Music (Cucumberdwarfs on itunes)

Roller Coaster Highway, Tulsa Oklahoma

Roller Coaster Highway, Tulsa Oklahoma

This man did a lot with the loop – not unlike most people.

Latch by Disclosure   feat. Sam Smith.

Inspiring lyrics exemplifying the old template:  Now I got you in my space.
I won’t let go of you.
Got you shackled in my embrace.
I’m latching onto you.

I boldly explore an alternative perspective on sharing love.  The video nicely depicts the real magic when, in that moment, you are locked on.  It is a Beautiful thing.  Feminine sigh …  Makes sense that many people are a little afraid to be authentic.  One authentic moment starts to translate into … forever?  Missed the logic there.  Perhaps I was guilty of that too.  I came by it honestly.

Getting back to the messages in the Marc Quinn interview:

Orgasmic Meditation is a practice that I endorse despite never experiencing it myself. Just makes perfect sense to IMG_2227me. Different from so many other therapies, it is designed to tune you in to your own energetic flows and feelings. Nothing to do with words or concepts. When a couple engages in the regular 15 minute practice of one stroking the clitoris of the other gently and deliberately without view to an outcome, the two people gain experiential learning in connection, intimacy and feeling. Lends itself to encourage us to drop templates/expectations for couple activities and get outside the comfort zone into authenticity. Marc describes it as “feelings over formula”. What is the next right thing? No script for being real. People are afraid of communicating in a vulnerable, real way. The interviewer, Alex Howard, described how it is very liberating and satisfying to express in a real way. Even when it is not received the way you want it. You can express yourself, get somewhat of a rejection but you haven’t rejected yourself.

Alex goes on to ask, “What supports having the courage to express in that way?”10629822_712506755495710_2476850595423421460_n

“How did you cross that bridge of uncertainty in saying what is true?”
(Disabled Angel speaking now) A gamechanger for me was adopting the mantra Embrace Uncertainty. In dating it is more true than in any other realm of life. Listen to me now, believe me later…

The energy of needing certainty is a natural repellent to the opposite sex. The story is way more interesting when you embrace the “I have no idea if he/she likes me”…what do I want right now? What do I want to do right now? I would argue, who cares if he/she likes you?

Do you like you? Who are you? Much better questions to be asking yourself. When you have those answers, you live authentically and see who shows up. There’s your man, or woman, whatever the case may be. A much more empowering and empowered way to view the dating game. Games are fun! I add: when played with integrity. If you are not having fun, you are not doing it right.

In the last four minutes of the interview, Marc talks 10868027_739133342840968_8461817517136707563_nabout how connected he feels and thus has overflow to share with anyone he comes into contact with. He is confident to be authentic, even when blushing and sweating when nervous. I have felt this in my own life too. A Beautiful Truth when you can serve from the saucer … because the teacup is full and overflowing. The OM (Orgasmic Meditation) saying of Truth is verbal orgasm points to the fact that when we speak truth and avoid putting up the masks, we have more energy in general. The orgasmic meditation can facilitate this but is not essential to the fundamental connection with yourself, your truth. You are no longer using any energy to keep things suppressed – taking the lid off.

(My words)Sexual energy can unblock areas that are blocked. Some therapies are more desirable than others…

Story continues:

Thank heavens for Edmonton’s many festivals. The Blues Festival was the following weekend. Mr. Brazil was 10676248_762239203855798_3283743892871926724_nvolunteering. Talk of connecting after his Saturday shift did not happen, fell through on the fly. I simply tapped in to determine if this had any meaning to his interest in me. Received a no to that question. I realized that my intuition was so much sharper. Really did not need to know more. He had written a text early in the week, touching base. He was clear to include that it was only because my name came up in discussion with his friend – the one that I met. There is strength to acting casual. Heaven knows that I learned the hard way when you get too excited about things, it often leads to disappointment. Somehow, I knew that I would see a lot more of him. Not to worry myself with the details. After the mini standup on Saturday – my guess it was his subconscious testing me, no big – he made up for it on the next Monday. Loose plans were made to see each other that day. It ended up perfectly: I was just leaving the Fringe Festival where I had seen a show. He had just finished a meeting- later learned it was a Spiritual gathering. He texted. Instantly, I pulled over my truck to answer. Before I answered, he was phoning. Loved his daring, for the early dating game, move to just say. Cut the chase with the texts. Are you free now? Would love to meet somewhere. Yes and Yes. Even when intuition is there to guide you. Some 3D confirmation is always welcome.

I had not attended the Fringe Festival in over 15 years. I was hooked. Many logistical improvements enabled me to join in. The history of long lining up to get tickets turned me off. The busy Doctor had no time for that.

Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Dat  Love this silly little viral video from yesteryear…

Funny that I had not thought earlier to join in attending Fringe Festival. Now that I was a writer, seeing live theatre performances sounded like a fantastic idea. I scoured the schedule and vowed to see a short list of them – several relevant to my 10495817_1451975995058187_4639878503774720495_oown creative pursuits. The following Friday, I saw an improv act with Mr. Brazil. Started to notice that I was scared. Just seeing him sitting beside me in the audience. I could hardly look. Just melting in his presence. Feeling so goofy. This felt completely foreign to me. Except for the goofy part. Yet I loved it wholeheartedly. I was sitting next to the strongest magnet on earth and I was focusing my energy on holding my metallic mask looking forward. How weird was that? The improv performers were interacting with the audience using Twitter – so interesting. I was trying desperately to be funny. Falling down pretty flat. When they asked for people to tweet in their worst vacation destination ever, I instantly thought of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Mine was picked. It was my birthplace and always seemed to get a laugh. Not that night though. Walking On WaterDidn’t happen in these performers hands. I received a reply to my tweet: Boooooooooo. That hurt my feelings…

Went out for Bubble Tea after. The same place my daughter and her boyfriend go almost weekly after swim team practice over the summer. I know, because I am usually the one picking them up to drive them home. I was feeling 17 years old again myself. The only traditional date for Mr. Brasil and I – so far. Definitely sensed his discomfort with it. My take: he was making an effort. Nice.

After that, it was always going to one or the other house. We had graduated rather quickly. First he stopped by my house. The night he drove me wild in his motorcycle gear. Then I was honored with a casual invitation to his acreage. Beautiful spot he had developed there … with his own hands. He, as my Dad before him, was a carpenter. Love that! The next week was his Birthday. That was when the authenticity level got turned up. Templates were thrown away. I was completely overwhelmed at how much I enjoyed trying on my new style. What do I want to do? In the context of1503329_507012029411549_80935886_n trusting that he is asking himself the same question.

These scenes probably better in movie format but here goes.

Starts with my playful text asking if he needs any help celebrating his Birthday and does he like cake. Wondered about baking him a cake.

He answers: love cake. You coming over?

Me: If invited, yes.

He: Only if wearing animal print…

He: …and high heels.

Instant elation. First thought. Go shopping? No. I have something better in mind…

Generally, I have re-evaluated the customs and rituals of my people. That includes Birthday celebrations. I have enjoyed decorating cakes as a hobby since I was 16 years old. I have a chocolate cake recipe that always receives rave reviews. I decide that I would love to bake him a cake. And I did. Just following our loose arrangements, I had to finish decorating the cake I made for my daughter, Birthday a week before my Juicy Jesus. I stopped at Bernard Callebaut for the lovely chocolate shavings they sell. I joyfully purchase chocolate for the four Virgos in my life. I celebrated my daughter, sister-in-law and brother’s birthday in one fell swoop. Jesus was the fourth. That started a little gift bag of consummables for the sexy Birthday boy: My favorite Ageless Xtra juice, a bottle of wine, pink himalayan sea salt (from Costco – so romantic) 1003475_406282379490459_1321870789_n-1along with dark and milk chocolate formed in symbolic shapes. Could not help but notice my enthusiasm. I always say that I am nothing if not enthusiastic. So it was with giftbag and cake taker in tow that I drove the 35 minutes out to the acreage. Unlike my habit, I did not speed that day. I took no chances to be seen by anyone outside of Jesus wearing my favorite animal print lingerie nightie … with my sexiest high heel shoes, also animal print with orange (favorite color) trim sporting the Jessica Simpson label. Sometimes $30 goes a long way. Seemed prudent to throw on my short black leather belted jacket just in case. He later told me that the risqué look would fit right into any restaurant in Montréal but I am not so sure I agree. He wishes.

I had only been to the acreage once before. I noted there was a gate – straddled with structural walls with red tin roofing, lovely touch, to match the roofing of all the buildings on site. Wow! The first time, the gate was wide open. This time it was closed. What? I do not know what I am dealing with. Get out assuming this was a manual operation. First glance offers no clues how to open it. I look and see Jesus in the distance – tan work pants and no shirt. In my own movie again…. Starting to like it here.

Carpenters ... are sexy

Carpenters … are sexy

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas by Harry Connick Jr.

Love Harry Connick Jr.! Sometimes I shuffle all my songs on my iphone, needing to skip over a Christmas tune every now and then. This one came on and got stuck in my head weeks earlier. Everyday is Christmas – in my world – so I often sing to myself just the first two lines “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas … Everywhere you go” any time of year. Echoing my belief that we all have Christ-like potential. So when my Juicy Jesus has a birthday, it is just as much to celebrate as our well known Jesus Christ’s birthday – Christmas. The song would benefit from a complete lyrical overhaul by the Disabled Angel, but I feel lazy today. Maybe come back to it … someday.

Back to the story: Shirtless welcome. Smooth operation.

I am delighted … and just a wee self-conscious. Was my nightie thing really a good idea? Yes, play it bold. He was holding the remote: open sesame. Smooth, slow motion of the gate opening: I am mesmerized. Slick operator… I am 10906585_763616423718977_7745497616615013346_nturned on in so many ways. Canadian Tire is a store I adore. Automatic gate opener: meow. Especially when there is a shirtless, sexy beast operating the controls. Now do not get the wrong idea here. I see him in many dimensions. But I am not blind! So now I get to use some of the long ago skills learned in modeling class – how to get back into your red SUV wearing high heels and a very short nightie and still look sexy. My sense – I nailed it! Years of practice afterall. Ha ha. Maybe I flatter myself.

I was welcomed at my vehicle door. His enthusiasm matched my own. I had hard evidence.

Here I Am by Fred Everything

 

So somehow the Birthday party for two turned fairly quickly into a pyjama party. God showed up that night … a few times … of course.  Mmmm… We never did end up touching 10696327_596780643784256_6078258803696283749_nthe cake but it was enjoyed by him slowly over the week.  There is an old fashioned woman in me, I cannot deny.  Satisfying a man’s stomach +/- sweet tooth is a simple pleasure.  As a marketing strategy:  genius.  Daily reminding until the cake was done.  He chose not to share aside from one piece with a coworker so it lasted a while.

The casual tone between us when we were not in each other’s presence continued.  Texting seemed such a favorite for men in my dating experiences of 2014.  In my first dating phase way back, telephone was king.

Text Message Confusion by Key & Peele

I see myself in the Black guy:  kind of Forrest Gumpish.  Fantastic example of how your perception may not equal reality – especially where human to human communication is concerned.  Good thing to keep in mind as we roar along in the great green earth day by day.  I have text message confusion with almost anyone I use this form of communication with.  Crazy…  Texting just is not my forte.  I try to sway 10600398_10152341582301559_426916524315603242_ntowards voice communication as much as possible.  I am surprised how seldom I use it despite my preference.  Perhaps this is my disability.  When it comes to dating, I just read texts and I can think of five different ways it could be interpreted.  I usually default to I have not a clue what the intention was.  I likely overly lean on those three questions:  What do I want right now?  How do I feel? Then I wonder what would be the most fun way to interpret the message.  I have not really had feedback but I enjoy it.  I occasionally lean on the higher intelligence.  Recall one really cool incident with that.  I was getting such mixed messages from Mr. Magnetic.  Certainly, when we were in each other’s presence it was clear.  When receiving those pesky texts, I was left scratching my head.  I asked for a sign from above.  I received my answer in the form of a song, as occurs regularly enough for me.

Fine By Me by Andy Grammar

It’s a match!  He stated that he will not chase women.  Kind of getting that.  As strong as 473599_635901709852328_1898201955919584846_othings began, we were cruising at a much lower altitude after a fun start.  I am completely confused by men.  I wave the white flag.  Good thing I love my own company as much as I do.  I am so fond of my enthusiasm.  Not to everyone’s taste is my sense.

Bottom line:  I am having difficulty with the authentic communication.  C’est la vie… The Network appears to be quite tight-lipped about whether the series will get picked up.

I will continue attendance in my lessons at the School of Life.

P.S. – I have full faith that anything meant for me will come my way.  Anything not meant for me will fall away.  Let go of control.  Go with the flow.  Love, Peace, Harmony have no obstacles with this mindset.  Follow your arrow along the way.  If upset and drama show up, look carefully where you had expectations or are trying to control another person.  In a Nutshell statement.

You Are The Lover And The Loved

/

IMG_2368do not seek to have
your questions answered

simply question the answers
you already have

until there is nothing left
but sky-like presence

open, full of wonder

– jeff foster

Hands by Jewel

Reflecting on my first intimate encounter with my Kik friend May 2014. Kik is the app. he and I used to get to know each other. Wow! Is the short version. I played back a few moments in my mind. My body filled with sexual energy every time. He stood out as the most satisfying lover I had ever experienced at that point in time. Yet, it was only our first time together. How can that be? Why? Was it just me being so much more in love with myself than ever before? Working with the hypothesis that a higher energetic vibration results in an enhanced perception of the world around you. You will see more of what you are. One will see their own personalized version of things. In the words of Matt Kahn, my favorite teacher these days, in answer to what is Reality? It was me who asked him this question when I attended a retreat in Portland, Oregon in February 2014, “You are.” Love that answer!!!

At the pub, I recognized my Kik friend at second glance standing at the bar. I approached and playfully pointed from hip level to show that I was the one…he was looking for. Ha ha. I felt very comfortable instantly as I sensed he did. Not that we did not both stammer a bit with the first 10351521_10152914628610955_8572728376063109113_nsentences. He directed me to choose a table. Loved his flirty comment that I should go first so he can check it out from behind. He wanted to take it back as it just flowed out. I was quick to reassure him that I would be concerned if he did not feel that way. Next thing I was sharing about my attractive gay friend in High School. He looked like Christopher Reeves, the original Superman. I noticed something off with my High School friend when he did not return my affection (we hung out a bit), but homosexuality was not in my understanding at the time. His loss I always thought. Once I understood him more, I realized it was my loss too. He may have benefited from a friend. I could have been a better friend. That is where authentic communication comes in handy. I can imagine that might have been a hard conversation. I would have been well suited for it. Love authentic anything! It allows for deeper human connection.

Back to 2014: Conversation continued very real…and easy. Shortly into the conversation, I guessed he was married. He felt he had fessed up already when he stated that he was very attached in a prior Kik message. I had wondered what he had 10417615_452935608175341_2775617703719349383_nmeant by that. Interesting that it went over my head. Kind of glad it did… I am not 100% sure I would have agreed to meet him. Who am I kidding?  I probably would have. I was curious. I certainly would not go back now.

His energy was so calm. The opposite of rushed. Learned that I love that! He asked gently, “so now what?” or something along those lines. I had an answer in my head more as feelings, not words. Pictures, not phrases. I was noticing this more and more in my life. I liked it. If I am with someone who demands a word or phrase response, it might not work. He seemed able to read me. I enjoyed a long pause, just looking into his eyes. I perceived that I embodied calm energy too. The gaze was gentle, lacking all expectation but noticing what was there. Not lusty. Just connected. I reached out both hands so that my forearms were parallel and inside his two forearms. He did not rush but eventually put both of his hands on mine. I am reminded how strong a hand fetish I have. Sexual energy rushed through my body like someone just rang the bell at the carnival with the big hammer, you know? Pretty hard to ignore.  He gently caressed my palms with his two masculine masterpieces. That might have entertained me all night. I could not take my eyes off those IMG_2737hands. Long after he asked his question, “so now what”, I ask him if he still needed an answer. He smiled and became the sexiest man on earth right then and there.

Intuition by Jewel

After a while of just enjoying the company, I suggested we go to my place. It took no convincing. I guess that was always the plan. The pub was a check to see if we clicked or not. We headed out to our vehicles. I ensured that he had my address in case I lost him driving. Time stood still. I saw him planted there in front of me, so peaceful and sure. He took my face in his hands and kissed me…so tenderly and slow. The greatest power has the lightest touch. I felt like I had been pulled out of the time continuum. I watched the Kim Possible movie “A Stitch in Time” the day prior. Love the time continuum! Time flows around us but we are the island, stable and unmoving in the middle of a raging IMG_2611river. I just had to try to capture how I felt in words. Maybe the rest of the world finds this completely self-evident. You experience it every Wednesday and Saturday or whatever your schedule is. I tease you all. For me, this was new.

Once at my place, more of that deep soulful kissing. Mmmmm… We were standing. Seemed upstairs would be a more suitable venue. I led. He followed. So much more of the same soulful connection with each and every movement. Oh. So. Delicious. I perceived him like a flower blooming. I felt he was giving me all the love he had. We 10520824_765761910157034_4305000244780619732_nwere meeting face to face for the first time with three weeks of fun banter prior. I have had connections with men where intimate fun felt appropriate upon first meeting, but not like this. I intuited that he loved himself more than any other man I had ever been with. He knew who he was and what he was for.  Despite not quite having the details, I am compelled to share that either as a late teenager or young man, he faced death.  Beat cancer?  It affected his present day philosophy.   We are all here to love. Not to judge if the other is worthy of love. The other is as worthy as you are. I am not sure who started it, to me it felt like it was him. I could completely give myself in to that philosophy. I felt like I was accepting an award at the Academy Awards on behalf of another not able to be present that evening. Yet, it was just as real as if I was that person. I felt and feel so worthy of that. My belief is that it is true for everyone, if you are in a place to let it in. I guess that was the big breakthrough for me. I am worthy. So, so worthy. I felt it to my core. With our three weeks of texty, not sexty, communication before we had met, we knew that we shared some philosophy. I knew he had read at least one of my stories online. It was a potentially challenging one too: The Twin Flame story. He had said more than once that he was a voracious reader. Just using the word voracious turned 389910_355985067822466_1139979046_nme on. He also had messaged, “I concur” once in reference to loving wearing flip flops. Love that! A man with a vocabulary. Hot stuff! In my experience, a man who wears flip flops knows how to chill. I want that in a man. Just another reminder that the brain is the most important sexual organ in the body. But it came down to the energy. I sensed it nearly right away…from a distance.

In the Plenty of Fish computer dating game, I had connected quite strongly to another writer weeks prior. He messaged a lot of his writing to me over several days. I was warming to him more and more. Handsome and expressive. His poetic writing touched my heart. I tentatively offered for him to read my writing. I wondered if opposites attracted, stated these very words to him. I was referring to our writing styles. In this case, no, opposites repelled. Once he read my writing, he requested that I never message him again. Funny. I had guessed that maybe he was in la la land. He was expressing such beautiful admiration for me. I was playing a role in his fantasy. IMG_2014When he read my writing, it burst his bubble. Whoops! Reality strikes. That pesky reality. I realized that I will never feel authentic caring from a man who has not read my writing. I was a little nervous about my Kik friend reading my stories but it became obvious when I was up late the day I published the Twin Flame story. I am honest to a fault. Authentic also. He could not help but be curious, I imagine. I do not want to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. I am a unique blend. I only know how to be me.

I wanted to capture this intriguing man, Mr. Kik, in words as best I could. I think of him like a fruit ripened to perfection. I am known to my kids as the fruit and vegetable whisperer. I have a knack for intuitively knowing when produce will be delicious or not and when it is ripe and ready. I look at my life’s experience. Maybe I am honing that in the Man department. Nice. History had shown that the less effort I put in to meeting a guy, the better the result. In the case of my Kik friend, his timing was perfect. He nearly missed out. He got into my dating world just as the garage door was about to close. I could just see him dropping and rolling under that door. I was closing down the dating game for a while just as his first message came in.  He was the last connection from the Plenty of Fish website. He just made it…

I was so enthralled with publishing my stories on my website that I lost all 10441479_10152650836459425_191340357920376618_ninterest in playing with the boys.  Two dates with two different men the first two days the website was live – no interest.  One was a young, sexy man fresh from Spain but I had no enthusiasm for him. I was following the oft repeated advice for me:  kiss a few frogs.  In this case, I only kissed the Spanish frog.  Despite the frog’s desires, I left it at that.  See, I do say no when inspiration does not strike.  The other was a successful business owner from the burbs.  Quirky memory:  I flirted with the waitress instead of my date.  Yes, she was a woman but playful and sexy in a wholesome way.  Realized that was a dismal date for my gentleman friend.  Hardy har har.  I had fun … just not with him.  I always follow my intuition. Let us Kik back or back to Kik, I mean.  I chose to banter back and forth with Mr. Kik whenever he would message. Somehow he always chose his words wisely. Playful, yet respectful. A little bit shy. Slowly over a few weeks, I recognized that I really enjoyed his communications. Curiosity was piqued. Must satisfy that…always.

I recognize that my behavior can look very impulsive. I am a pretty smart cookie. But I have come to understand that 969259_642032559171569_936740490_nit is intuition. When vision is clear, it does not require weeks of interacting. When you know and trust yourself. You just know when you know. There are no rules about this. Energy exchange started with this friend upon our first message. I am amazed at how much can be transmitted from afar. There are a few men who have really helped me to experience this. Norwegian friend #1, #2 and now my Kik friend. Oh, cannot forget “Backwards Day” friend. Nice to connect with someone a little closer to home base. Mr. Kik is the only one of the group to call Edmonton home.  It is my working hypothesis that it is simply physics.  Energetic vibration matches or is close.  A passive physical phenomenon.  Works magically and mysteriously when you are thinking with the traditional collective consciousness mindset.  Let go the need to understand.  When oceans of good vibrations are moving through your body, you can take that as a sign.  Make sense?  This is not rocket science people …

I think about my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. I have been on both sides of the diagnosis: doctor and patient. I 1898097_702740836414598_688932429_nknow impulsive behavior could be called a symptom…by a Diagnostician who lacks clarity. One man’s impulsive is another man’s clarity. See where that judging stuff is not such a good idea? Whose rulebook do we use? Is there such a thing as the right rulebook and the wrong rulebook?  (Insert:  Proving that I can somewhat control my impulses, I am not going to elaborate on how the Movie Divergent exemplified my thoughts so well on this topic.  I have decided this story needs a Part 2:  coming soon.) I encourage us to allow the lines to blur here. Most of us really have no idea how clear or unclear we are. Including me…of course. It is next to impossible to be objective in this department. Medical Practitioners are no exception. If the one holding all the power is murky in their vision, God help us all.  Add in Legal Powers and viola, we have our present day Mental Health System. Judging another’s clarity is an uphill challenge. When mindsets do not match, it is unfair for one to judge the other. Live and let live goes a long way to world peace. 10866211_743523559063095_6541335959360528659_oI boldly declare that often it takes time passing to enable a more accurate assessment of clarity. Only upon looking back will the reflection be clear. If we have issue with the status quo, then we are well served to choose to change. That is what I choose. I ask others to allow me to play out my choices.

It is my hypothesis that Mental Illness is the way it looks when the caterpillar first opens its wings. The wings are particularly delicate initially. They need time to dry. Clarity crystallizes over time. The Mental Health System is setup to cut those wings and stuff you back into the cocoon. Mindset has shifted away from the collective consciousness 1798143_10152223615278685_799785454_nand yet the mentally ill patient, for lack of a better description, is expected to follow the old rulebook of the collective consciousness. We are stuck in a loop… as a society…for a longtime now.  We take those transforming and transcending the collective consciousness shackles, medicate them and spoonfeed back the regurgitated mindset.  The freshly evolving individual is fragile.  Fear has been a way of life, embedded deep within the mindset.  Like horses when the barn is on fire, they run back to what they have always called home.  Instincts supercede evolution.  An agonizing death greets the horses, a marginalized existence can be expected by most of the Mentally Ill (for lack of a better 1456142_10152092224753352_199600321_nword).    With authoritarian style, the Medical Profession reminds the patient (for lack of a better word) of the rules. If we ever hope to get out of this loop, something will have to change. It is my dream to test my hypotheses out. Perhaps that will be by demonstrating heart open care of what is now considered mental illness but could also be viewed as people undergoing transformation. People letting go of past beliefs and blocks and connecting to their true selves: their natural state. A change of the gameboard. Mindset shift. Could be huge…if we allow it. This requires some nurturing.

I have some ideas…

When the reality police tell me I can’t feel the way I in fact do feel, I go crazy – using their terminology. That is Bipolar Disorder. You’re welcome for my translation 1921169_10152465864362743_9159800410807390549_oservices, again. It only took me 48 years to figure that out. I am unaware of a book with that information but am thankful my life has taught me something very important. The cure: live and let live. Love and support each other peacefully. Each of us thrive when we follow our excitement. Excitement will look differently for each of us. Trust others to know for themselves. Is that so hard? Easier said than done, you say? It is as easy as you decide it is. Go for it!

Also want to add that this moment in time is different from the past, even ten years ago. I, along with many others, hypothesize that energetic changes on the earth in recent years will put a large amount of the human population in a position to transform. It will happen more efficiently for those now than for those in the past. Let us learn all we can in this New World.

Heaven Help by Lenny Kravitz

Started May 25, 2014

IMG_1775 GIVE LOVE

If we wait for others to love US, and we constantly need them to prove their love to us, we could be in for a very long wait. It’s a huge responsibility trying to make someone feel “loved”, and it isn’t really our job, it’s theirs. Sure our part is to be Loving, caring, honest and loyal, but not to be forever trying to prove our actions and feelings to others who are not ready to accept it, or cannot accept it without constant proof can be never ending.

We cannot lose by giving love, but we will lose if we hold our love back waiting for others to prove themselves first. When we can give easily without any expectations from others then we have got the true meaning of unconditional love.
All1son of Walking My Talk Facebook Page

P.S. – Find it ironic that I received the most commitment from the married man. Somehow the single guys are busy ensuring that you know that they are not committed to you. 385648_369150006502423_1494742171_nThey are holding back with their love. I get it. If they were more giving, in my case, I would have been all over that. I am still left confused… They have not seemed open to receiving anything I might like to give. I can only control me.

Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. To the single mindset.

Whenever sex is involved, pokes a finger in a huge societal wound. So many belief systems there leading to judgment. Judgment is detrimental to evolution. Live and let live…

I believe that there is an unlimited supply of love. I am not afraid to give love. I trust my Self when it comes to choosing to share love with sexual expression. I appreciate that many do not share my views in this area.

I choose to believe that everything that happens to me is within my choice and for my highest good. The 1476567_10152066799315289_573276299_ntraditional collective consciousness might judge something as bad but I assume it serves me whether deemed good or bad with the old rulebook.

Verruckt – Are you insane? Experiencing this ride could be thought of as an analogy for individual human evolution. Not for the fainthearted. Do you get it?  Funny that it was a lovely multilingual man I dated (a 3 date special) that put the German word for crazy into my mind.  We joked back and forth a lot with that word.  He was French Canadian but previously married a German woman and spent many years living in Germany.  Somehow, he did not earn a story like most of my gentleman friends have.  The nugget to come out of that friendship was:  Verruckt.  Good to go!

The Married Man.  I declare they are the most honest, from my perspective, of men.  The ones I have connected to anyway.  Yes, more than one now.  Slight trend it appears.  They share my disdain, stronger word than necessary, for Society’s rulebook.  They are very comfortable with themselves and do not care what others think.  Nice. They use their own excitement as their guide.  Single men play a lot more games in my experience.  Authentic communication.  BirdsSounds hard but once you try it, there is no going back.  Love how I slowly realized that if I am completely honest and it turns out to be judged as bad behavior by Society, I go ahead anyway.  I have found great joy and freedom there!  Like attracts like:  pure physics.  Not some grand plan.  The gentlemen I have attracted share a similar energetic vibration to myself.  I love myself.  Hence, loving the men that fall into my lap.  It is not rocket science.  Maybe it is?  I call it Physics of Consciousness.  I attract freethinking, smart, fun, playful, sexy men.  No surprise there, right?  Not that long ago, I might have thought I wanted a relationship.  Not too sure about that anymore.  I see our Relationship System as subtle slavery for both the man and the woman.

Many thoughts and old programming are based on lies and immature emotional processing. Look at the thought, examine it and see where it leads you into feeling like a victim. Then state the truth, that in every given moment we choose to act, think, and feel in a certain way. Suunat IMG_2460Kumara.  Beauty is in the choice.  If you feel less than or captive in your situation, choose a new belief once you have figured out which one holds you prisoner.  Easier said than done … but do-able.

Mirror, Mirror  by Justin Timberlake.

Historical Review:

Love is such an important topic.  I was nudged to review some of the most powerful collaborators whom I have discussed the concept of Love (with a capital L).  It holds all of our power.  Yet is ri...dick..ulously underutilized.  I choose to share my personal evolution.  I have some fantastic people in my corner.

Gabrielle Hartwell:  An Intuitive Life Coach.  I have done two readings with her Xmas 2011 and early 2012.  My daughter marveled at the appropriateness of her name.  She has written a book called Rising Up The Ladder of Love. 

Loved how she saw my daughter and I holding hands as equals spiritually.  So true.  My kids have aided my growth and expansion immensely.  She assigned me to look for patterns within my past relationships.  Being myself, I made a spreadsheet.  I have actually gleaned quite a bit via that technique.  My old saying There is no 552113_494415703903297_1913817084_nproblem that a spreadsheet cannot solve.  Whenever you put any collection of data or ideas into rows and columns, you will learn something.  Listen to me now, believe me later.

Liora:  She calls herself a vibrational alchemist.  A Soul-based communicator.  A visionary, evolutionist and paradigm shifter.  Had several sessions years ago now.  Her energy was/is sublime.  Firstly, she determined my Soul Signature – just by discussing my life issues and then picking up my vibration.  She collected a series of words to describe me In a Nutshell:

Soul Signature is expressing Beautiful Truth and Love in words and pictures.  Exclusivity is also in there.  Each time we connected the same words would string together differently.  She guided me to what she termed the Sacred Self-Reunion.  My Soul Purpose would be enabled as I broke down any blocks to expressing my Soul Signature.  She helped me to be aware of my Core Wounds which were just the opposite to my Soul Signature.  For me:  It was bad to express beautiful, emotional truth in words.  Especially if they were exclusive.  This was over two years ago.  At the time, I did not really know what to do with this information.  I absorbed it at whatever level.  The exclusive baffled me a little.  She specifically mentioned that exclusivity within a Soul Signature was a huge challenge.

IMG_2120Before Liora, I connected to an amazing woman, Nadia Tumas.  Via analysis of my handprint, she offered information about my Soul Purpose.  This was in early 2012.  Whenever I need a little boost, I review her reading.  She described my Soul Purpose as very Beautiful.  I will be a Successful Healer, not in the traditional sense but at a Soul level.  She felt that I will heal on all levels, including physical.  Words would be my most important modality.  She described me as a talented, natural counselor – as if I already have a PhD.  Then she described my Life Lesson:  Overcome the guilt of being powerful.  Stay in my truth, no matter what.    With power comes vulnerability of being blamed and rejected.  Life School was/is wisdom.  She felt that included less than 2% of the population.  My biggest challenge was deemed to be procrastination.  Could always find a reason not to take action.  She felt my Soul came to take risks.  I needed to jump off the diving board.  Allow things not to be perfect.  No such thing as failure.  I tended to struggle to move forward.  People of this type like information and over-education.  Nadia prescribed a mantra for me:  I am ready.  She proclaimed me destined to be a Reluctant Pioneer.  As I wrote this, I was reminded that Nadia’s hand analysis was the most succinct and informative of readings.  I enjoy the hobby of connecting to various healers/psychics, so this is a huge statement.  Not to downplay any of the others.  With each connection, I always learned something.

 

IMG_2066NOW is the only moment
you will ever truly know.

The rest is memory, anticipation, projection and fantasy.

NOW is home. NOW is eternity.
NOW is your unshakeable root, your unbreakable identity, your calm in the midst of the storm of time.

Live in the moment.
(It’s impossible not to).

– Jeff Foster

I end with another Jeff Foster quote:

IMG_2710“Whatever it is, stop trying to figure it out now. Let it remain unresolved a little while. Stop trying to fast-forward to the answer scene in the movie of your life; trust the present scene of no answer yet. Allow the question itself space to breathe and be fertilized.”

As I am not known to listen to every piece of advice I hear, I boldly state:  I am all I need.

 

It does not preclude me wanting to share… (blink, blink)

Stronger Woman by Jewel10917363_859404887413786_3872677393252484628_n

I am … a Jewel.  As we all are.

P.S. – What happened to Kik friend you ask?  I chose to speak of our connection quite freely – to my own surprise.  “I have taken a lover”, were the chosen words.  It made me feel like an artist.  All true writers take a lover at sometime in their life, am I right?  I do get a kick out of shocking people. Regular visits continued for months.  Summer holidays hit.  Kik hurt himself which resulted in missing work.  Work schedule was where freedom to visit me existed.  No work.  No visit.  I have since 1069185_610555615643043_503342054_ndropped my connection to a couple of rules from the old rulebook. Another exciting connection entered during the gap with Mr. Kik. I got the idea that I should drop my lover as a result.  I have always been aligned to the saying Have your cake … and eat it too.  So looking back, not sure that I needed to drop Kik.  My new friend did not request.  I assumed.  Did not take my own advice.  Relationships can be a form of captivity to my present thinking.  I can be loyal if I want to.  I am sure of that:  22 year long track record.  Not bad.  Mr. Kik recently touched base.  The fire was restarted.  Planned meetup was scheduled days prior to Xmas break 2014.  Somebody’s marital partner had some serious medical symptoms pop up and required that she be driven to the hospital.  What do you know?  Possibly most readers side with the woman.  Now that I have my own first-hand experience, I side with the gentleman.  I am a strong believer in freedom … for all.  It is when one person uses their power and energy to control the behavior of another that peace and love are challenged.  Also bad for one’s health.  Every man (or woman) for himself.  Another perspective for your consideration.  Yes, I assumed here … in my intuitive way.  The married partners doing the captivity dance.  Each expression is unique.  Been there, done that.  Live and let live is more important at the scale of the home than the world.  When there is Peace at Beautiful Shovelhome, there is Peace in the world.  It takes two to Tango.

In case there have not been enough little sayings included in this story:  It is important to call a spade a spade.  My sense is that this is a tough one for people.

Strong partnerships are built upon Freedom, Peace and Love.  I prefer to include respect and transparency but from where I sit, a lot of people cannot handle the Truth with grace and ease.  We all get there … eventually.

January 1, 2015  Addendum:

10153224_481149158679383_6339551014372547519_nStarted this story in May of 2014.  No story had collected as many songs, photos/Facebook posts and quotes as this one had.  The process was quite different from other stories somehow.  I cut out a huge section which included a spreadsheet.  In pure Angèle style.  I was crazier than usual while writing this.  Keep in mind that I use the words crazy and genius interchangably.  The story 10356250_10152457850012145_4091227803446696874_nwas in a form of completion prior to Xmas 2014.  Yet the nudge to publish did not occur.  Fine.  Some 11th hour concept often comes to me.  As much as these three concepts dangle on their own, I wanted to include three recent revelations.

An awkward conversation with family members over Xmas while on a cruise ship left me giddy as I declared to myself that I don’t believe in Science.  At least not the type of science I truly did believe in during Medical School and in Family Practice as a Doctor.  The topic was following through with testing advised by our Doctors.  On one hand, the declaration was not news to me.  But to say it concisely and out loud felt very good.  Integrating something within myself.  I had never called the spade the spade until this moment.  I pussyfooted around the truth.  I have a tendency to do that.  I wonder why?

The second feel good proclamation was that when you 10814_896478703696993_1359570460622475483_nvibrate at or above the energetic vibration of Love, the old rulebook is obsolete.  Maybe that sounds elementary.  Truth tends to be quite simple.  Science becomes irrelevant when you can embody this higher vibration.  The two mindsets:  believing in Science and not believing in Science really do not marry well.  Understatement of the century.  Am I making any sense at all?  I admit that I chuckle as I ask this.  It really does not matter to me.  I do desire harmony and peace so continue to try to make myself understood to people who follow the rulebook that I am so very familiar with.  The hard part is for them to understand why I do not follow it anymore.  I have been labelled crazy.  By the old rulebook, absolutely I am.  The (Quantum) Physics Professor, that would be me, offers a new perspective to aid in the understanding of what crazy is.

1455008_544982758925478_478486912_nThe third concept is that I am crazy.  Only I do not believe it means what those who believe in Science thinks it means.  I see storytelling as a way to share an alternate perspective.  The catch 22 is that those who believe in Science will have a huge challenge before them to understand … unless they choose to loosen their grip on.  Wait for it.  Wait for it …  Reality.  Science-based reality.  As much as I have had the label of crazy for over 2 years now, I can finally say it and not feel that activist defiant energy.  I understand why I am considered crazy.  I am more comfortable with it now than ever.  A Beautiful Truth.  It has more to do with Quantum Physics than illness in the Sciency sense.  Listen to me now.  Believe me later.  It is my belief that the best way to help illuminate this Gap is by demonstrating what is possible.  My Life is my Experiment.  Just watch me …  If I dare be brave enough to step over the boundaries that mean so little to me.

10013196_594764443947861_2116115380_nA return to the topic at hand.  You are the Lover and the Loved.

A mélange of quotes:

Few is the number of those
who think with their own mind
and feel with their own heart.
– Albert Einstein

“Whatever you are lacking in any situation is what you have not given” Course in Miracles

The Buddhist saying – all expectation leads to suffering – applies to all expectations you create in your life, without exception. Dalai Lama

To find the Beloved,9756_757767127636371_8433819475379800977_n
you must become the Beloved – Rumi

There is nothing that makes its way more directly into the soul than beauty.
~Joseph Addison

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi ~

1656165_10152498591803581_7628063181446581722_nMy role in society, or any artist’s or poet’s role, is to try and express what we all feel. Not to tell people how to feel. Not as a preacher, not as a leader, but as a reflection of us all.
~John Lennon♥

Imagine Cover by Jack Johnson  My ideas are far from new to this Earth.  Imagine by John Lennon was released in 1971.

2012 Angel Message by Liora  (I draw your attention to the year 2012, three years ago.  I call that Mind the Gap.  1658730_10152541495647625_2159641066443500642_oAnother title waiting for a story.  No rush.  Lots of time.  Tee hee.  I am sure with that advice at the moment.  I expect others will understand me more in 2-3 years.  Sooner if they choose.  Free will is alive and well.  In the meanwhile, I am all that I need.  In Liora’s words, the Sacred Self Reunion.  Alleluia!!)

Transcription:

Dear Ones,

As you welcome a New Year with magical unfoldings;

Taking you deeper into your Soul awareness,

1912266_681827751864338_1699354128_nYour hearts are expanding to higher love vibrations.

We have not so many words for you, Dear Ones, and we know you will understand this,

realizing all your mental concepts are falling away with each moon phase … and awakening realizations,

Making the way for the new era of the Soul . . .the feelings of the Soul.

The Soul. . . your Soul . . .who you truly are – above and beyond limited words and mind concepts and rigid beliefs and stories.

As you know the Soul deeper, the language will change completely.

You will gain a deeper telepathic awareness, more connected to your Soul:

The feelings of your Soul.

Notice how we emphasize feelings.

Yes Beloveds, it is the feelings that carry the purest vibration.

The purest vibration of the real you: your Soul.10250312_706027492787732_3464926417974150358_n

The past era of thoughtforms blocked your true heart feelings.

Now you will be embracing the tonal and complete language of the Soul;

therefore creating deep Peace within and, therefore, Peace on planet Earth.

As you awaken to each new day, allow yourself to know your truth:

Your soul . . . your true heart feelings.

Know the deepest of Self-love and Self honor.

Follow your true heart’s desires as you observe your destiny unfolding with ease and grace of (your true Self – my addition);

with complete faith and trust of your Soul:

The feelings of your Soul.

IMG_2521Is this too simple Dear Ones?

Listen to your Soul and know the simplicity of being.

Aligning deeper with the bliss of pure existence: your Soul.

Dear Ones, you are so loved.

We are the Angels…

Drunk on a Plane by Dirks Bentley.  Mr. Kik ressembles Dirks Bentley with hair below his shoulders and most recently a full beard.  The Northern Alberta accent is not far off either.  Handsome devils those two.  Love the video showing how we write our own story. YOLO!

Likely there will be a Part 2 for this story.  The only way I could think of to stop adding.