I Am A Good Housekeeper

July 24, 2014 / Disabled Angel

My Dad has and always had a great sense of humor. Many styles and genres were represented. An abundance of jokes would be shared over the years. A few would be repeated. Whenever there was news of a marital split an old favorite would come out

Up She Goes by David Alexander. Hangs in my foyer.

where the punchline was that the woman was a Good Housekeeper: as in owning the home once the partnership ended. I could not help but chuckle when I fell into the role of Good Housekeeper. Yes, I remained in the home once shared in my marriage partnership. Not that it was a strong desire for me. I loved the idea of packing up and leaving this oversized piece of suburbia with its years of accumulated clutter. My first thought was to purchase a trailer and find a patch of land. Run away from civilization. Get away from it all. It was not long after that I watched “Into The Wild”, a beautiful movie where the main character does just that. To extremes. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it! It is the one movie that I watched twice in a row…and it is a long movie. Came to me at the perfect time…

Rise from Into the Wild by Eddie Vedder

How did I end up in my little mansion? I call it a mansion as I am more aligned to a compact living space. It is 2850 square feet. Likely not a mansion in most minds but it was and remains all mine. There was a time thirteen years ago where I declared to my then husband that it was time to do a big purge in our 1300 square foot bungalow – love bungalows! He very respectfully put together an argument for a new home: a bigger home. He knew me well and fully sold me on the idea. Market conditions in Edmonton proved our decision was a sound one in retrospect. Yeah! The biggest incentive was the dream of a third child. Each child needs their own room right? This child had not even been conceived. My only stipulation was that I would always want a housekeeper. Not that I did not already have one. As soon as I got married, it became evident that to save the marriage we would need a housekeeper. That is the story I am sticking with. A great Angèle soundbite was uttered at a Art Gallery Artist Show Opening in the spring of 2012. I playfully declared to my friend and gallery owner that “I have not cleaned my house since 1993”. She just roared. Sometimes I forget that other people are unaccustomed to my ways.

Kinda reminds me of…myself.

It was only after her reaction that I realized how outrageous that statement sounded. Truth is stranger than fiction. This was 100% true. For most of those years it was the straight forward cleaning service that comes in once every two weeks. I learned that it was most harmonious to hire an owner/operator. Twice I had married couples cleaning my house. They were the best. Love seeing a man vacuuming the place. The one guy was a marathoner – super fit and really nice.

My foray into creating my reality, manifesting and trusting the Universe to support me began more consciously with the conception of the third blessing, Jean-Luc. I put it out there that I would find a lovely nanny who would allow me to live gracefully with three kids. I have never been too ahead of time in my planning. Once Jean-Luc was born, I started putting it out there that I desired a nanny/housekeeper. Within two months I was united with my sweet dream, Angel (name changed). She was a friend of my mother-in-law’s longstanding housekeeper, also an acquaintance of mine as she cared for a child attending my daughter’s school. Angel fit so well into our family. For the first time in my life, I had help with food preparation, laundry, yardwork … anything, including windows. In the back of my mind was discomfort with the idea of slavery. I had mindfully opted out of the nanny thing with my first two children. I opened myself up to new possibilities for this third go around. I wanted desperately for the arrangement to be win:win. She worked two days per week. I only worked part-time at best and from home. Angel was originally from the Phillipines and was trained as a nanny in Hong Kong. She taught me more than I taught her. She was a genius with folding laundry … even those fitted sheets with the elastic corners. Pure magic. I now know that I was not a good student on the day of that lesson. I am too impatient. My fitted sheets look more like clumps than folded laundry.

Like all things in life. Nothing can last forever. Change is inevitable. Once I separated from my marriage partner, we asked if Angel would mind going to his home for one of the days of the week. She declined. Surprised me. It was amazing how much cleaner a house can be when you get the big boy out. It did not make sense to keep her for two days a week any longer. She had another part-time job that needed her more so reducing to one day a week got us through to one year. Then the fateful day arrived when she quit in the summer of 2012. It had been feeling awkward. I looked at it with blinders on, wondering if the end was near. We could not seem to find a rhythm. I was a retired girl hanging out while she was cleaning. My house was almost too clean. Kids were older now. Cooking less. Etc. Her other job was short staffed and really needed her. That was the story we were both sticking with. It was with a heavy heart but full support that I handed her the last paycheck. I love to think bridges are not burned. I wondered if we would be reunited in time. Her job is nearby. To this day I stop in to give her a hug on a regular basis. Give her some love at Christmas. I am emotionally attached. After seven years, it is no surprise.

So for two years now, I cleaned my own house! Never thought I would say that. I just did not have the energy to look for someone else to replace her. She is irreplaceable. It would do me some good to clean up after myself for a change. It would just be for a little while…

The pampered pooch picks up the mop… about twice a year. Ha ha. One time, I nearly hurt myself doing handstands on a freshly mopped hardwood. Slippery stuff – not wet, just clean. Started to wonder if cleaning was bad for my health. I declared that when I published my writing, I would hire cleaning help again. It was not a huge incentive. I just did not experience a super clean house most of the time. I wanted to teach my kids how to clean. That was irregular at best. If I noticed something, I would clean it. Turns out, I am not all that observant. My first blog post was April 2014. I loosely committed to find a cleaner. So distracted with the new publishing that a couple months passed before I noticed. Hey, where was that cleaner now? I made a solemn declaration to find one. What did I do? Nothing aside from the declaration. This is where it

Just after hired my cleaner, Richard Simmons was offering his services…

gets kinda cool.

Not one week passes. I am doing my thing at my computer when the doorbell rings June 19, 2014. I answer. A lovely owner/operator of a housecleaning service company, originally from South America, was at the door. Her introduction was something along the lines of: I clean at one of your neighbor’s homes and wonder if you are looking for help? Why yes, I am. Please come in. We review the details. Hired. She started June 26, 2014 to come every two weeks with her niece.

I loved it when my daughter inquired: “How does one go about hiring a cleaning service?”

I answer: I am glad you asked. I just answered the doorbell.

I delighted in the fact that I did no more than intend for it to happen.

So I decide to try this again. I would like help with yardwork. Within one week, “ding dong”. It is a young gent working for a yard company. “Do you need any yard or house maintenance help?”

Me: Why yes, I do.

I had received a mailout card that I planned to phone weeks prior. But here was a representative of that same company before I ever got around to it. The next day, the Danish owner is onsite. Hired. Within three weeks, I have refreshed my mulch with lovely shredded cedar, removed 9 trees that were dead or dying, along with weekly lawn mowing and a few other odds and ends. A European gardener, yeah! I find out over time that he works at my parenting partner’s yard too. Small world.

A week or two before the yard care connection, another magical “ding dong”. A story – always. One Friday night this past spring I was dropping my boys to their dad’s. Somehow, my neighbor, also my longtime dentist, texted my parenting partner, instead of me, wondering if I would like help with spring cleaning in the yard. I texted back immediately “yes”. He mentioned a friend was helping with his and would gladly do mine too. I did not realize that the friend was not in the yardcare business. The two friends just rented a power rake? Aerator? I do not even know which power tool was used on my lawn. It does not matter, does it? The very next morning, 9AM, a handsome gentlemen serviced … my yard. I just could not tear myself away from writing. I figured he would not want to be disturbed. I took one sideways glance. A gentleman who is looking after himself quite well was giving me a hand. Nice. I did not realize that my dentist was also in there. Truth is, once again, stranger than fiction. These guys got the job done. Time passes and I remember that I have not paid for the service. I was given the contact info. My mysterious yard helper will catch me sometime. He drops in to his friend, my neighbor, regularly. I expressed I would prefer to meet him rather than just put money in an envelope and give to my neighbor. One miss and finally he caught me by phone to ask if he could drop by. Weeks have passed from the original service. “Ding dong”. Instantly, I detected a friend. I wondered about other yard issues and show him around the yard. I was unclear about whether he wanted more work or not. Maybe he was also unclear. Conversation becomes very authentic pretty quickly. He was on the divorce track too, one year post separation. Long and inviting hug was enjoyed. It came out that my lawnmower was in need of repair so my lawn would not be mowed despite needing it.

He offered to come by the next day as he was doing another in the neighborhood anyway.

I have not enjoyed watching my lawn be mowed more than on this day. I felt obliged to busy myself with trimming a bush. He is really attractive … on many levels. Blooming man. I told him so. A man cannot help but blush at this type of compliment…

Steal My Kisses by Ben Harper

It was super cute how he would come to my yard waste container more often than was seemingly required to pour a few grass clippings and then return to the task. I generally just mulch and do not bag but I was not going to tell him. I was biting my hand, in my mind. Maybe my lower lip too…
Funny when I was telling my Backwards Day friend that I had a new friend come over and mow my lawn. He roared playfully, “nice”. I clarified, “No, he cut the grass growing in my yard.” I did not allow myself to be misunderstood. It was still sexy. I learn a new thing everyday.

This time, no money changed hands. We vowed to stay in touch.

I felt obliged to hire yard help after this. He had a lot on his plate, including a full time job. It is my nature to be fiercely independent. Maybe that was stupid? Not sure I wanted yard maintenance neediness to be the bait in creating a romantic relationship. He has stopped by a few times since then but his heart remains with another. In a land far, far away. He was quick to share that he enjoyed a romantic relationship with a woman in the States. She had authentically desired a female companion for him close to home. Her wish preceded our synchronistic meeting by only days. We openly discussed our sparky connection. As much as she initially wished it, she (likely he also) found it weird for him to be mowing another woman’s lawn. Nothing wrong with someone changing her mind. When you love someone, you want the best for them. I can empathize with her intentions to want him looked after when they were geographically separated. But we are all human. I am unaware of a role model for sharing the human heart harmoniously between two lovers. If an example exists, I would love to know it. I did not mind enjoying the magic for the short moment.

I received a text one day when my European Gardener was doing a big project in my yard. My spring clean gardener stated, “I see you replaced me… Lol” My answer was “I would not put it that way. … You will always be my #1… gardener”. Love to flirt! I had decided that I did not want my unkempt yard to add to his already overburdened nervous system. He complimented the more tidy, kept appearance of the front yard… as he drove by. I laugh. Always. He actually did stop in for a quickie… hug that is. Get your mind out of the gutter now. Ha ha.

Let it be what it is. Funny that a psychic reading I had, just for kicks, shortly thereafter saw him as my next relationship. If the read holds any water, that could be fun. Perhaps that was the energy that day. These things can change quickly. I have learned my lesson. Forget chasing guys. They seem to hate that. Makes sense…

I am going with the New Age just be yourself advice. You’ll line up with the right one at the right time. There may be more than one, sequentially. I am completely off of more than one at once kick. I cannot fool myself. I am faithful to a fault. By not more than one, I mean not more than one incarnate human. I crack myself up…
Archangel Michael is my boyfriend these days. Ha ha. I got the idea from an angel intuitive just recently. I will try most things once…

It is working out rather well… He knows me and loves me exactly as I am. He does everything I want to do. He goes everywhere I want to go. He is really hot! He can be everywhere at once so his schedule always matches mine. Geographic location, another of my challenges, is of no concern. Don’t knock it until you have tried it!

faune endormi

The world is a magical place…depending how you look at it. Thanks Smoky!

May 2012 checked off see the Louvre and Paris in one fell swoop. Had an unusual rendez-vous with a statue. It is titled faune endormi by Edme Bouchardon. My assessment was that the energy from the artist got a good grip on me. The statue was my boyfriend for the day. That was a first … and a last. Truth is stranger than fiction. I was also a little crazy. Not really sure how to define crazy these days though. Is it seeing things with a wider view? Heaven only knows.

Love Suzanne Heintz photography showing another experience of a family trip to Paris. Her work has evolved to a movie called Playing House: Chapter 1 sample clip linked here. I had a lot less baggage, let me tell you. Perhaps I fool myself…

A final example how things can just come to you with ease and grace: Mother Meera. She is an Indian woman felt by many to be an avatar: a deity on earth is one definition I found on dictionary.com. I first heard about her over two and a half years ago. I received first hand stories from a man I traveled with in Ecuador. The most inspiring was when he described helping out with building an orphanage. He is an computer guy so physical labor was not a part of his routine outside of his work for Mother. He would feel very fatigued but quickly refreshed after sitting next to Mother Meera for about ten minutes. His physical stamina surprised him as he would work hard all day in construction. He described a beautiful energy when in her presence. That piqued my curiosity. I started following her on Facebook. I looked at her schedule a couple of times and wondered if I would travel to see her in person somewhere in the world. Germany is her home base. In the end, she came to Edmonton. I drove 10 minutes to see her on July 16, 2014. That was easy!

First paragraph written May 29, 2014. Most written July 21, 2014

Some Core Concepts of Bashar. This link is a bit busy but if you are inspired to sift through it a little, there is a lot there. Bashar describes how your excitement is your compass to let you know you are on course. Trust your timing. A very empowering choice in belief is: “I always get what I want. If it is not available now, there must be an excellent reason for this.” Beware buying into the belief, “I do not get want I want” – although it is always your choice. When you follow your excitement in each now moment, this leads to Positive Synchronicity – things magically working out in a way that is delightfully and surprisingly pleasing. A lot of letting go of expectations and control along with not knowing into the future is required to line up with your own magic.

As I have recounted this little string of what I find delightful and pleasing synchronicities to several friends now, one of them replied that these types of things only happen to me. Really? Pity…
My belief is they happen to whoever shares my belief system and follows their excitement. I know there are many others out there. Mine may sound tiny but I have full faith that I am on my path. It is unique to me. Everyone has their unique path so their synchronicities will match that … when they are aligned, following their excitement. Knowing who they truly are.

A favorite saying oft repeated in my mind: The Universe always has three possible answers to your desires. Yes. Not yet. Or I have something better in mind. Sometimes I throw in a “Resistance is futile” when I have doubts about what I am inspired to do.

Believe Lenny Kravitz.

July 23, 2014 Hot off the press!

Went rowing tonight. Last class of an introductory session at the Edmonton Rowing Club, twice a week for three weeks. From the get go, I wanted to try skulling in a single. Had rowed in an 8 man and skulled in a 4 man boat. Continually reminded of the protocol to skull single at the club – takes a while to develop your skills and earn the privilege.

Big giant smile on my face when all conditions led to there being only one boat available for me tonight. You guessed it, a single! Her name was Vision I. I was the only participant who showed up tonight from the class of ten. And there was only one single boat available as many boats were off site due to a competition. I had a private coach in the coachboat as an added bonus. Loved having all that attention. Just another delightful synchronicity where my desire was fulfilled! Will publish Row, Row, Row Your Boat as its own story of my rowing experiences. Lots of fun … and philosophy. Rowing is another analogy for life. Paint me inspired…

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

July 16, 2014 / Disabled Angel

Cannot count the number of times I have been accused of being an Anorexic. I may have an anorexic mind but I have never suffered from Anorexia. To make a long story short, I do not trust my mind further than I can throw it. I definitely do not believe everything I think. That would be absurd!

Maybe that was a bit harsh but cuts right to the chase. By Anorexic I mean suffering from a condition known as Anorexia Nervosa. Anorexia is clinically defined as a psychological eating disorder in which a person has an intense fear of gaining weight and limits calories to the point of near starvation to attain a below-normal body weight. Individuals suffer from a distorted body image, typically coupled with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. To maintain their below-normal body weight, individuals with the disorder severely restrict their eating behavior. Not the picture of health – physically or emotionally. One of my neighbors is a Pediatric Psychiatrist. He boldly stated that any intelligent female in this Western Society will have some body image issues. It starts at a shockingly young age. The beauty and thin image always on display in the media is hard not to notice.

Forensic Sketch Artist draws, without ever seeing, the person via their own description and a second drawing via the views of others.

I have never really battled with weight issues. I did a little binging in my teenaged years with some remorse following. This prompted a one-time trial to induce vomiting. It was fortunate that I was caught by my brother. He laughed his head off when he found me in the bathroom in a predicament. I had tied a button to a string. Swallowed it. I thought by pulling on that bad boy, I would induce vomiting. All that happened is the button got stuck with the string hanging out of my mouth. I had a very hard time getting it out. Cannot even explain. I never did throw up. My brother’s authentic ridicule cured me of any bulemic tendency that threatened to formulate. I could not help but join him in laughing. It was absolutely ridiculous. Thanks bro’! I needed a reality check at just that moment.

Love India Arie’s attitude in the song Video!

I was saavy enough that even without Google, I educated myself about eating disorders. I aspired to be thin and attractive but never at the expense of health. I was at my heaviest, outside of being pregnant, at 13 years of age. I weighed 135 pounds. I was a little pudgy but also lifted weights so some was muscle too. Just remembering this fact likely puts me in some category. I got a job when I was 14 years old at Dairy Queen. I had to walk 40 minutes to get there. By the time I started Grade 10, I weighed 120 pounds: my walking weight. Once I became a driver, I fluctuated between 120 – 130 pounds for a couple of decades. This was a healthy weight for my height, five foot seven.

I was quick to recognize that I had the thinking of an Anorexic. I was fully aware of it right away. It was so bizarre to me. I would look in the mirror and see an overweight girl. Then I would see myself in a photo and be surprised that I appeared thin. I just shook my head. What? As a result, I quickly trained myself to ignore my perceptions in the mirror. It did not take too long. For decades, I just ignored my visual perception from mirrors. I learned to not believe my own perception of myself. I came to expect the little surprise when I saw myself in photos. Wow, my body looked great! For my face, it was the other way around. Ignore pictures. Real view better. Whatever…

Late teen years, I developed my long term strategy for weight control. I ate when I was hungry. I stopped eating when I was full. I hated feeling hungry. Even more, I hated feeling full. Never liked buffets as eating to feeling full was more at risk. I preferred quality to quantity. If I felt a little pudgy, gave up all junk food. That was easy!

It has been a regular annoyance over the years when someone gets into the twenty questions with my eating behavior. I often felt like they were assessing if I suffered with Anorexia. My enjoyment of various sports and working out did not help in this regard. The other trick I learned as a young woman was to look at the lifestyle of someone whose body you admire and take on some of their habits. Hello jogging! Tennis looks like fun! That was easy. Loved to jog. Not as much these days but my shoes have made many miles over the years. I talk more about tennis than play but many a round has been enjoyed over the years. I have traveled to tennis camp for a holiday a couple of times. A great way to earn a slice of bacon was to play tennis all day.

Green Valley Tennis & Golf Resort, St. George, Utah. I learned how to avoid eating the fuzz sandwich with the Vic Braden method. Vic Braden method has since been replaced by the stylings of their current pro: the Court Think method.

Gray Rocks Family Resort – tennis and golf– in St. Jovite, Québec. Mont Tremblant was next door. I looked for a link. The 102 year old resort closed…for good! So sad. The golf courses remain: la belle et la bête. The Beauty and the Beast – cool names. I was there twice, second time with kids. Fantastic place with clay tennis courts and wonderful pros. I am having a little moment here… Looks like I will never again go to the Gray Rocks Resort.

I digress.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think has long been on my list of story titles. I knew the story would be about body image but not too much more. Pictures from Facebook slowly collected over time in a file with this title. The straw that set this story in motion was being reminded recently about a book I love. A friend, known as Norwegian Friend #2 in my stories, had enthusiastically recommended I read the book Anastasia by Vladimir Megré. My response probably took him aback. It would be an understatement to say that I was so excited at this suggestion. I had read the book 3 years ago and absolutely loved it. It was one of three books recommended to me by my Spiritual Advisor within one month of our first meeting. I will elaborate on each of them later. He went so far as to say that reading the book felt good in his soul. Amen! He just hoisted himself way up the list in the male interest department. He lives in a land far, far away so it may not help enough. I could find nobody to take any interest in the book that rocked my world three years ago.

Thoth Egyptian Scribe of the Gods.

I pretty much gave up the idea that I would find a kindred spirit that liked the book. I was just learning about my Scribe Sign. As a total aside, I once took part in a vision quest. The only vision I had was of Thoth. I had no knowledge of him at the time. I saw two figures dancing around a fire. My guess was they were Egyptian. The distinctive beak shape and the jackal head of the other figure allowed me to come home, look up Eqyptian Gods and be blown away as they were both there. Thoth with the head of an Ibis and Anubis sporting the head of the Jackal.

Back to the book Anastasia: I searched out the notes I took at that time. Surprisingly, there were only two quotes from the book series. I had borrowed each of the ten books, from either the library or my friend. Over time, I chose to purchase Anastasia, Book One of the series. Anastasia’s specifications and instructions on how to build a beehive were included. I wanted to use them someday. With this exhilarating reminder of the book, I cracked it open. I would scan through it for a second time looking for the Anastasia parts. The author’s voice is soooo 3D and analytical. The magic is with Anastasia. I quickly ran across a quote that had a significant impact on my life.

Anastasia says, “Food should be absolutely of no concern to man. One should eat just as one breathes, not paying attention to nutrition, not distracting one’s thoughts from more important issues.”

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Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani. Recommend!! Miracle cure with Xray proof of end stage cancer. So exciting!!!

The quote did not really catch my eye on the first read. I was so inspired by the book, I pretty much forced my daughter, 13 years old at the time, to read it. I recommended she not worry if it was fiction or nonfiction but to keep an open mind. I felt it would aid her in being aware of alternate versions of reality. My daughter really picked up on this quote. I cannot count the times I have heard her say, “we eat as we breath”. I thought I was as laid back as they come in the pester kids about eating department. Leave it to my smart ones to show me where my boundaries are. My daughter began taking on unusual eating behavior shortly thereafter. If I had anything to say about it, she had Anastasia knowledge to quell any concern. When I stopped to really look at it, she ate very healthy foods. She was more disciplined than I was. She now calls herself a vegetarian, a non-militant one. She would not be concerned to eat the occasional meat as a guest somewhere or for celebrations. She never expects anyone to cook special for her. When she and I are alone, we eat vegetarian. When the boys are with us, I eat like the boys.

This is just one example. You can just imagine when you have a teenager armed with this kind of information. To know that her mom is willing to evaluate any and all customs in society. We have some interesting

Hard to know whether your perspective is right…

discussions. I love it! When you teach one kid, the younger ones pick it up too. So even the nine year old will shock me from time to time with his astuteness. Forces me to stay on my toes. Decide where my boundaries are. I rarely come up with boundaries. The kids choices rarely go against my sensibilities. And if they do, they are very receptive to my instructions. In the rare instance, excitement fills the air because I rarely put my foot down. My kids enjoy a lot of freedom. Fantastic! Awareness abounds that a lot of the kids at school live by different rulebooks: yet my treasures are very respectful. Even at their Dad’s house the rulebook is different – absence of manipulative games. They are adaptive. Yeah! Maybe I am biased but that is my perception.

I feel a little sheepish writing about slack parenting 101 or The Idle Parent but my natural instincts in this style of parenting were supported by Anastasia. One of the two quotes I handwrote from the series. I believe the following to be… a Beautiful Truth.

Listen to me now. Believe me later.

Book 5: Ringing Cedars Book of Kin

|…just a sincerely asked question, together with the parent’s desire to hear their child’s answer, is capable of uniting parents with their children – of making them happy – for ever.

This joint quest for happiness is infinite. But even the beginning of the quest can be called a state of happiness.” Anastasia (p. 132)

I know. Too simple, right? Try it.

The other handwritten quote was:

Book 3: Ringing Cedars The Space of Love

“…we are talking about thoughts pure enough to change everything. Today’s reality is the result of yesterday’s thinking.” Anastasia

My experience with the Scribe sign is that when I am urged to write by hand, it is a stronger truth. I am rarely urged to write by hand.

Interestingly the three books I read in short succession three years ago all fall under the theme of Don’t Believe Everything You Think. At that time, I was recently separated, ready to undergo a transformation. I met a woman who pointed me to these three books:

1. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

2. A Course In Miracles by Foundation for Inner Peace

3. Anastasia Book One of The Ringing Cedars Series by Vladimir Megré

Fun fact about Anastasia: My friend who recommended the book had also been very taken with it. Its original printing sported covers that were very flower child in her words. She personally financed and designed the covers that exist today. She has an artist’s eye…

I feel compelled to write a short synopsis of each of these three books.

The Four Agreements are simple and transformative.

First Agreement: Be impeccable with your word.

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Second Agreement: Don’t Take Things Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions.

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Forth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

Keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time. Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive. You are going to be good to yourself. You will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything. Action is about living fully. Expressing what you are is taking action. Don Miguel Ruiz uses the example of Forrest Gump, one of my top favorite movies of all time. He felt that Forrest did not have great ideas but he took action. An interesting perspective on my beloved character. Hmmmmm….

A Course in Miracles is an unusual book. It claims to be Jesus Christ channeled through Helen Shucman back in 1970. Seems that Jesus had the same concern that I had. He felt the Bible got lost in translation too. I rewrote the Bible myself in my story titled, Lost In Translation. Now the secret is out. I was not the first to come up with the idea. Ha ha. I am sure few are surprised there. The book is three books in one. One part of this synopsis, the workbook, was written as a one year program of deprogramming your mind. There is a daily reading, usually with an exercise. The bottom line is Unlearn All That You Have Learned. Easier said than done. These words along with the energy encoded within aid in this valuable endeavor. Your version of reality may not be the only one available to experience. I somehow attacked that three book combination like a bat out of hell. I read it in three months. I made very few notes. A big concept that these daily exercises and readings were conveying, to my perception, is the Beautiful idea that we are all connected. By healing ourselves, it is the greatest thing we can do for the world. I believe. Transform the individual to transform the world. Just Do You by India Arie. Again… So simple.

The following include all of the handwritten notes I made from this ginormous book. They may not make any sense standing alone but I want to give a wee sampling.

ACIM (A Course In Miracles) Lesson 27

Above all else I want to see.

Vision has no cost to anyone.

It can only bless.

ACIM Lesson 75

The light has come.

I have forgiven the world.

Keep a completely open mind, washed of all past ideas and clean of every concept you have made. You can look upon the world as if you never saw it before. You merely wait to have it shown to you.

ACIM Lesson not noted

I am under no laws but God’s.

I am entitled to Miracles.

My addition: don’t forget, You are God.

ACIM Lesson 135

We make no plans for how it will be done, but realize that our defenselessness is all that is required for the truth to dawn upon our minds with certainty.

If I defend myself I am attacked.

But in defenselessness I will be strong, and I will learn what my defenses hide.

This is my Eastertime. And I would keep it holy. I will not defend myself, because, the Son of God needs no defense against the truth of his reality.

ACIM Lesson 136: The reader is instructed to review the two italicized lines below for 15 minutes twice on Day 136. Every day in the book held similar instructions/homework. In the early lessons, it was once per day and progressed to three times per day. I generally adapted these instructions as I was inspired to.

Ask the Truth to come to us and set us Free.

Sickness is a Defense against the Truth. I will accept the truth of what I am, and let my mind be wholly healed today.

ACIM Lesson 137:

Our function is to let our minds be healed, that we may carry healing to the world, exchanging curse for blessing, pain for joy, and separation for the Peace of God.

When I am healed, I am not healed alone.

I would share my healing with the world that sickness may be banished from my Self.

I will bless my brothers and we will be healed together.

ACIM Lesson 138:

Heaven is the decision I must make.

Truth is recognized (not learned).

My addition: Heaven and hell are the same place my friend. The same fuckin’ place! We view the world through the lens of either fear or love. We look with love, we see heaven. Through the fear lens the same place looks like hell. Freedom of choice, always.

All mistakes in judgment that the mind had made before are open to correction, as the truth dismisses them as causeless.

Heaven is the decision I must make. I make it now, will not change my mind because it is the only thing I want.

ACIM Lesson 139:

I will accept Atonement for myself.

Atonement remedies the strange idea that it is possible to doubt yourself, and be unsure of what you really are.

Fail not your brothers, or you fail yourself. Look lovingly on them, that they may know that they are a part of you, and you of them.

Atonement=accept truth about Self. I remain as God created me.

Unknown lesson:

There is no order of magnitude of Miracles.

My words: Big miracle is just as easy as a little miracle. I think of this quote often. I consider that a miracle in today’s common perception could be considered the truth in the perception that the Course in Miracles invites us into.

Got excited to add in these few quotes just to give a little sampling of how the book reads. It was a pretty heavy read for me. I found out over time that my friend had never read it in its entirety. Shocked me. Only read it if you are inspired to. Not for everyone. Big take home message: we have choice in how we perceive things. The commonly held societal norm has many limitations which can be transformed by becoming aware that we can let go of belief systems that do not serve us and keep us away from the full grandeur of human possibility. Just the willingness to know this will be a guiding force for your life. Tune in and follow your inner compass.

It is possible to obtain the energy from a book without actually reading it. I am rarely called to read a book these days but I perceive that I get something out of a book just by looking at it, picking it up, maybe scrolling the index. Truth is easy to recognize. It can transmit through energy without even reading the book.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it… Am I the only one who used that expression way back?

Back to Anastasia:

The book calls itself nonfiction. I believe. Vladimir Megré describes how he came to meet Anastasia in the taiga, forest, of Russia. I would call her a fully actualized human being. She lives alone without shelter, using minimal clothes. She thrives via her own abilities and a nurturing relationship with nature. Animals that we would consider wild have for generations served Anastasia and her ancestors before her. She follows her joy and sustains herself with ease. If she gets hungry she alerts the local wildlife and they serve her food. Pine nuts and berries are the mainstay. She has rarely visited civilization but has great knowledge of it. She has keen powers of perception outside of what one would commonly understand. She has learned any language she put her mind to. She can teleport – not sure that comes up in book one but somewhere in the series. She is very powerful yet loving. Megré admitted to some impure thoughts and actions which she easily subdued more with mental power than physical although displays surprising physical strength also.

10448235_491981084266818_3216066161789996961_n

Love Byron Katie! Found out very recently that my Spiritual Advisor worked closely with Byron in the past – traveling with her & translating. Just sayin’. This is only one of many famous connections…

Through the series, the reader is introduced to stories of ancient Vedic traditions: her ancestry.

One tradition stuck out in my mind from one of the later books. She described how in a village, the young single people would decorate little boats. They would sail them down the river where villagers downstream would intercept the boats. This was a form of matchmaking. I liken it to Facebook. When one purely expresses their authentic self, not that all do that on Facebook, one lover will recognize the other. So cool…

My thinking it is partly via energy, not just the three dimensional object. In my experience, energy can transmit across the internet very effectively. My current gardener originates from Europe. He met his Canadian wife, calls Edmonton home, via Facebook. I am a sucker for a good love story…in the old Vedic tradition. Ha ha.

Andrea Bocelli and Christina Aguilera sing Somos Novios (It’s Impossible) Lyrics

One common mistake is to think that one reality is the reality. You must always be prepared to leave one reality for a

Mother Meera 2014

greater one. – Answers, Part I, Mother Meera. I personally met Mother Meera, experienced Darshan, just over one hour after publishing this story originally. I will speak a little of it in upcoming story, I Am a Good Housekeeper. I come back to add this quote July 16, 2014. Another Beautiful experience for me.

Started writing July 13, 2014

July 18, 2014

P.S. – Forgot an ACIM quote that I had also handwritten. Just hit me that it was left out. Had no luck finding the paper, it was a printout of my favorite quotes at the time. Finally recalled that I had posted the ACIM quote as a comment into Norwegian Friend #1’s Facebook Page. Found it! December 11, 2011.

RAIN Sculpture by Gil Bruvel

T-17, VIII 2 “. . .Let truth be what it is. Do not intrude upon it, do not attack it, do not interrupt its coming. Let it encompass every situation and bring you peace. Not even faith is asked of you, for truth asks nothing. Let it enter, and it will call forth and secure for you the faith you need for peace. But rise you not against it, for against your opposition it cannot come.”

Aligning with this has been transformational for me. The page author wisely pointed out:

“Your understanding is not a very powerful contribution to the truth.”

That is the current day human challenge … dilemma even. I felt great resistance to the response at the time. Now it feels like the most self-evident statement. See! We humans can change our perceptions. Yeah for me! My current sense is that to be aware that this may be the case, allows you a more relaxed presence. My fave Byron Katie quote fits right here:

“Be a lover of what is and the war is over”.

Oppose nothing and you will find peace … and love. My translation. Sounds simple enough…

Buddha was quoted saying that Nirvana is when we are accurately perceiving our reality.

Begs the question: How do you know when you are perceiving reality accurately?

Answer: You will feel peace, love and joy … or Nirvana. If you are not feeling it, perhaps you are not perceiving reality accurately.

I love to play this mental chasing tail game! Practice makes perfect. Perfection is the enemy. Aaaargh!

You Spin Me Round

July 22, 2014

How did I forget Don Miguel Ruiz’s analogy about skin disease? Early in the Four Agreements, he asked us to imagine if everyone on earth had the same skin condition and one was cured, the cured one would appear diseased. The Course in Miracles gives that same message. When everyone shares a misperception of reality, it is the ultimate challenge for anyone to change and see correctly, using ACIM terms. There is a collective desire to fix, heal or alter this new perception of reality. Tendency to incorrectly assume the majority holds the most correct perspective. That good old catch 22 again. We are stuck in a loop. We can break out. We will figure it out. I know that we can. …and it will be easy.
Yet … will require significant courage.

Moral of the Story: You Will Know You Are Perceiving Reality Correctly When You Feel Joy, Peace and Love.

A Beautiful Truth…

July 23, 2014

Cannot seem to leave this story alone. Need to add a lovely Four Agreements versus Course in Miracles quote off.

Don Miguel Ruiz: Forgiveness is the only way to heal.

ACIM: Forgiveness isn’t overlooking what you’ve done to me..

Forgiveness is seeing correctly, that you’ve done nothing to me.. and you are innocent. So there is nothing to forgive.

I agree with both quotes despite their seeming contradiction. The ACIM resonates at a higher vibration. You must let go of some commonly held belief systems to align with it. Another way to look at it is that the two truths exist at different energetic vibrational levels. They are each a valid version of truth. I toy around with this type of thinking a lot after reading Power Versus Force by Sir David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D., an internationally renowned psychiatrist, consciousness researcher, spiritual lecturer, and mystic. Relevant to the Spiritual Teacher, all of us really, having to teach to the level of the students. We all exist at different energetic vibrations …or consciousness levels. One is not better than the other. Being aware of our differences does help us to coexist peacefully. Don’t ya think?

It’s All In The Jeans

July 11, 2014 / Disabled Angel

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain

The Daves I Know – Kids in the Hall

Written by Bruce McCulloch – one of the Kids in the Hall, a Canadian Comedy group who once had their own TV show. Quite a funny idea. I would love to do my own version of this song…

Make it my own. Change the words. Change the name?? Joe? Mike? Dave is pretty good. Three of my closest friends have romantic relationships or past relationships with Davids. I am really enjoying the company these days of a gentleman, whose name might be Dave. We are in the early stages of dating. So I still consider myself single. As usual, feeling optimistic. I am so capable of loving other people. I really love that about myself. I believe that Love is not finite but infinitely available to be given and received.

Met another man, whose name could have been Dave, the night prior to this writing. A bit of an experience. I might have written a different ending but glad I followed my intuition.

I somehow chose to peek in on POF -Plenty of Fish dating website. I now realize that late Saturday afternoon, you are throwing yourself out as bait. I do not even have my pictures public and the messages started rolling in when it was evident I was online. Male to female ratio is 10:1 I am told. Saw a message from the admin. – hilarious, trying to quell the myth that POF was about sex and hookups. Stats seemed more prudish than what I would believe. I remain skeptical. Who knows?

Here is the exact message:

markus

2/8/2014 12:41:52 PM

***I am Markus the creator of plenty of fish. …

These days the mass media loves to talk about the hookup culture and focus shows around sex. In reality hookups are rare. The median number of female sexual partners in lifetime, for men 25-44 years of age is 6.1 for women its 3.9. Only three percent of men aged 18 to 30 have 3 or more sexual partners per year for 3 years. If you want to hear what else is normal check out this great Google Talk by Wendy Walsh The 30 Day Love Detox. (I took out the links) ***

I see a message from a shadow head, no picture, pof user. We had messaged before but it stopped when he did not have pics. He claimed he was in a four year sexless relationship so wanted to be discreet. I started thinking about that. Why not leave the relationship? Oh well, live and let live. He stated that he can email me pics. I decide that maybe discreet is good. He was inflexible. I was to start a new email account rather than he starting Kik, a discreet mobile app. where you do not have to give your phone number

or email or name. Kik app. is one of the many things I have learned in the dating game of 2014. I decided to play along. He was in the military so I followed orders and teased him along the way. Now I had an email: “disabledangel”, my newest Facebook Page, was my name. Maybe will need that anyway. Saw his pics and just felt like he was asleep. Interesting how clear that looked to me.

As I was present onsite, I started a new conversation with a guy whose name might be Dave, calls Vancouver home. He was working in Edmonton for a few weeks. My pics were not up so I wondered why he chose to message me?

Machu Picchu pic I took

My tagline “Fun & Freedom” could have something to do with it. There are no coincidences, it seems. Officially he was 36 but in his blurb he admitted to being 26. Hmmmm…. I had fun going back and forth. I told him 26 was outside my present boundaries – half age plus 5. The formula I had received from a friend. Close I guess. He encouraged me to push my boundaries. Gotta love a playful young man. He had many pics up – showing a recent trip to Machu Picchu. That encouraged me as I myself also traveled there last year. He looked nice, quite wholesome. So I decided to meetup. It was only at the last minute that he requested pics of me. I kindly

Early morning fishing with a local woman on Lake Titicaca

Early morning fishing with a Peruvian woman on Lake Titicaca

provided via message. As he said, what harm comes of sharing a coffee. Absolutely. I felt like getting out of the house. We made this arrangement forty five minutes before the scheduled time and I needed twenty minutes to drive there. I had no time to change clothes or put in contacts. I just cleaned my oven quickly as I had already started the job. Was this symbolic? Turns out a small stain still left….Hmmm. I would give it another go on another day.

Edmonton on Canada Day 2014

I started getting a little uncomfortable when he advised me to pick him up at 105 street and 98 Ave. I knew the location well as I pass it weekly. It is a little secluded. But there are hotel apartments in that area so made sense. Fear entered my mind – for a millisecond. Quick to squash it. I checked in with intuition. I felt I was safe and supported. Not really sure what to expect. I went with no expectations to just see what it would be. He was visiting from out of town. I enjoy meeting new people. Maybe talk about travel?

Well, there was no fear for my safety. As I approached the meetup location, I could see him half a block away walking on his own. He crossed the street one minute after I parked at the corner. It was colder than -20 celcius so timing was important. I waved through the window. Wow! This guy was a super hunk. Stand him next to Chris Hemsworth and you would have trouble choosing which was the sexier. No word of a lie! Coloring, body proportions, face…all an echo of the famous Thor actor. Pictures did nothing to represent how hot he was! OK, this could be interesting…

I was prepared to start driving and then figure out where we would go for coffee. Without hesitation, he leaned over and started kissing me passionately. What?? Choicepoint time. Within ten seconds, I decided, yes I may as well go all in. How exciting! So. Much. Kissing. A man I just met. Or did I meet him? It was Hi, sit down, kiss. If that is what you call meeting. Maybe that go for coffee stuff was just a ruse… you think?

I was not parked in a high traffic area but it was illegal to park there. So I started driving. We started talking. Amazing voice. Lovely spirit. I could not help but think like attracts like. I said this out loud a couple of times. He was without comment. He had announced to his employer months prior that he had booked a ten week travel vacation which included Peru, Bolivia and Chile. The boss was not supportive. Dave felt his presence in Edmonton served as a mini punishment for his assertive actions related to those travel plans. He lived in Vancouver. He was here working for three weeks. So just that alone told me he was on a unique path. Always love that! Oh, and handsome too. Did I say that already? Big – in a good way. His body really filled up the passenger seat. It was not every day that you see Thor in your front passenger seat. Ah, the memory of it…

So there we were driving and driving. I was distracted but enjoying his company. Before I knew it I was heading out of downtown towards the West End. I turned into a residential street to turn back. He recommended we just park along one of the streets. OK. I was agreeable. So right back to the kissing. Only now it had built up to be quite passionate. Oh, yes. I deserve this…totally. Jackets are slowing peeled away. What exactly was going on here? Was I a teenager? His hands were traveling…and ended up down the back of my pants. The jeans are snug but stretchy. He was able to deftly reach down and between my legs with that oh so manly hand of his. I have learned that I am really drawn to masculine hands. The sight of a hand can do a lot for me. Maybe I could call it a fetish almost. How I chose to connect with Dave #1. Norweigian friend #1 posted a pic yesterday of his hand wearing a torquoise bracelet – Yum! Look at me and my distractability. Back to the story… Well there were no secrets by this stage. I was so wet, it was almost embarrassing. So what was good for the gander was good for the goose. I let my hands travel a little over his immaculate body. I ended up eventually at his crotch. Recently, I had been desiring a fully erect penis. As much as I have enjoyed a couple of intimate encounters, none have been associated with a fully erect penis. The Doctor in me wondered about this trend. Was it just me? Or a wider phenomenon? Maybe alcohol played a role. Be careful what you wish for! I was not more specific about this full erection that I desired. So I kind of laugh at this experience. What exactly did I intend to do with said penis. I don’t know. The Universe comes up with its own plans when you don’t know.

It is not long before he frees the beast: truly beautiful…
At this point, I was still unsure about what I wanted to do with it. He handled himself – love that – and then recommended I take over with my hand. I leaned down wanting to have an oral experience when he said, “No, lets keep it clean”. What? My perception is not 20 seconds go by before he was pushing my face down. Hey, I am getting mixed signals here! And that was when he came all over my face!! Did not see that one coming… I laughed at myself as I wrote this and every time I have read through it. I cannot help but think I am a Comedian … albeit a disabled one. Whenever I am manic, I call myself an Angel Comedian. I feel like I am entertaining the folks in the 5th Dimension. The jokes go over the head of three dimensional thinking. Hope you all are enjoying a laugh at my expense. I could not find a napkin or tissue aside from one left on the floor – garbage. I felt like MacGyver. I had to use what was at hand. Better than carrying on the night with a protein rich substance congealed to my face.

I was all turned on. He looked content enough. He said, “that went too fast”. Not sure what this was in reference to – his ejaculation or our intimate behavior. I was quick to point out and tease him, “You started it”. He could not deny. So we headed back towards our starting point. Conversation was kind of weird. I am not sure why I was speaking about challenging topics – sacred plants -San Pedro, Ayahuasca, tobacco. His questions somehow lead me here. The Peru connection, I guess. I trusted it was all perfect. The topic of multidimensional experience was touched upon. Hmmmm… curious. So possibly these topics could scare a guy off. Makes sense. As we neared his Edmonton home, he declared that he needed to go home and “rethink his thinking process”. I was glad that I clarified my position, “I would hang out with you some more”. I love it when I can be clear. One person’s clear is another’s confused. Not sure how clear I really was at that point. We had shared just over an hour together. In my mind, I was hopeful that I would hear from him again. He was only in town for another few weeks. The first thing I did when I arrived home 20 minutes later was to attempt to send him a message. Could not. He had blocked me!! WTF!!!! I spent a lot of time sending myself Love. And I felt it.

I was in disbelief that he had blocked me. What harm was a few messages back and forth on POF? Wow! I decided that I had no idea what that was about. It said more about him than me. Or does it? My best guess? He had judged his, and my, behavior as wrong?? I really do not know so prefer to not make assumptions. I do not judge it as wrong because I was inspired to do it. To me that was enough. It was authentic for me. I wanted to be open to the hookup. In the end, it was not really a hookup but an intimate connection nonetheless. Maybe I even got that out of my system for good. Heaven only knows…

So what did I learn here? As usual, I don’t know. Like attracts like? He was my mirror? What do I learn about myself? Firstly, I am hot!! Ha ha. I felt resonance between us. Did it freak him out? Who knows what was really on his mind. I am left so curious as to his version of the story. Some transparent, authentic communication would have went a long way in my ability to learn from the experience. Funny how we human beings can get uncomfortable and run away from communication. I hold strong to the belief that we must lean in when it gets uncomfortable. Easier said than done, I know. My self has a sexual component that desires expression. I intended to unlearn all that I have learned and be open to what was…in the moment. I let the moment teach me. Followed my excitement. This was a great example.

The biggest take away message was “So that is what it feels like to be in the moment. Let my desires lead the way. I am free to be myself. I have released societal beliefs about sensuality/sexuality. Most importantly: I am outcome independent. I am totally OK with however it turns out. There is no such thing as a good experience or a bad experience. This was an interesting experience. I will not judge it.” That was the coolest part. Despite it not ending how I might have chosen, I know I am OK either way. I think of it as an egg on face experience. Ha ha. I was connected to my authentic Self. I do not need approval from the other. I only have control over myself. I cannot control the other. I must respect and accept his experience and how he chooses to perceive it. I was crazy curious about how he perceived it though. I want to be with people who are enthusiastic about me. If he cannot be that, fair enough. The most I could expect from my young friend was a short-term intimate playmate. As we parted, I told him that I welcomed feedback if he was so inspired.

The experience showed me I am not quite in full harmony with myself. Fine. I accepted that. I embraced that. I was where I was…and it was perfect. Fun and titillating too. I write my own story. This seemed a great scene for the movie… Ha ha.

In preparation for this encounter, having no idea about what I was in for, I declared that things happen for me, not to me. This writing started as a Journal entry but it has morphed into a story. I love telling stories. A true writer writes about things that most people would be uncomfortable with. I am uncomfortable sharing this story. So why share it? I don’t know. Writers and storytellers hold up the mirror for us all… See what you will.

Matt Kahn spoke some words at a retreat I attended that fit well here. He emphasized harmony. Commonly people believe they need comfort to be harmonious but he encourages us to be comfort neutral. When in harmony with what is, comfort is irrelevant. Comfort is not required for harmony.

If feeling disharmony, ask “what did I expect?”. In some way we are expecting something other than what is right now. Truly we can embrace whatever shows up – it is sent for your highest evolution.

Harmony – you always get what you need. Not attached to what you want.

Comfort can be experienced in every breath. Put faith into the guiding inspiration that inspires you to action. It knows more than you assume.

Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”

This really ties into Friedrich Nietzsche’s philosophy also. I have affectionately nicknamed Nietzsche my boyfriend. He is the only philosopher to have earned that title. Wait a minute, maybe not the only one. I happened to read a synopsis of his work that was shared on Facebook the morning of this writing. I know many question the value of time on Facebook but for me, I am effortlessly given what I need for my evolution and writing. It happens all the time. I do not spend time researching. I just write what the moment gives me. Then I go and push the Easy Button. Ha ha…

Friedrich Nietzsche’s Workout For The Spirit Excerpt below:

“Once we get tired of being gruff; when we see that there is no point rejecting everything, the final moment of this metamorphosis comes (tee hee, my addition) – it’s glorious and super fun! The child. This transcends the former stages as we no longer think in terms of whether what we are doing is morally correct or incorrect, or is imposed or comes from within. Our actions have now acquired a very distinct characteristic: we do what we want because we want it! Like a child on a playground who has genuine fun not because he is told to (camel) or because he doesn’t want to do what he is told to do (lion) but because he finds a great deal of joy in doing it.

The things that have to get done are no longer heavy nor something that we have to fight against, the categories proper-improper, correct-incorrect dissolve and we are left with a delightful game. The world turns into music and we no longer walk or talk but rather dance and sing. There is nowhere to get to or nothing to be attained, for you are already there and having everything that you could ever need. Our actions no longer need justification, they are all grounded in what we want to do, just by the mere fact that we want to do them! We need not make logical arguments or rank it in terms of how proper it is, there is just an unfolding delight.”

Finished this writing and then found the Cole’s notes version of Nietzsche’s philosophy … yes on Facebook:

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” Friedrich Nietzsche

In the process of writing Beautiful Truth, I have really come to believe this. At the onset, I believed I was searching for and then would share the right way for everyone: the Truth. That is the funniest concept to me now. I do not believe there is one truth that serves us all. Is that not a gigantic relief?? You are not wrong! Yeah!! Now that is a Beautiful Truth…

On September 10, 2012, I posted the following quote and picture on my personal Facebook Page:

“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.”

Comment string:

Angele: Hangin’ with my old friend Friedrich Nietzsche today. Lots of good quotes there. I thought this photo went so well with this particular quote…

Reply from a family member with a great sense of humor:

Hmmm…not sure Nietzsche would make a very good boyfriend.

Angele: Well… If I ever get the chance to date him, I will let you know. Tee hee

That’s my boyfriend!!

Here are some Dr. Seuss pickup lines for your enjoyment…

Love Dr. Seuss!!

Kacey Musgraves – Follow Your Arrow. “Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. You may as well do whatever you want.” A live and let live anthem!!

There is something about Country Music to tell it like it is…

Wrote February 9, 2014

Addendum: 9 days following this incident, I received email notification of two messages from Mr. Vancouver around 11PM. I was already asleep for the night. I instantly went into the pof site upon waking to see the blessed feedback. I was so excited no matter what he might say. Sooooo curious. I was met with “This user has deleted his account”. Ooooooh…so sad. My imagination had it that he gave feedback possibly with contact info. I really wanted to ask him if he would like to see the story he inspired. I had teased him that if he was not careful, he would end up in a story – prior to the intimacy episode. If he was not a saavy pof user he may not have known that messages would not be seen when you delete your account. Or he had a change of heart communicating with me and deleted his account. I had the idea of creating a new account on POF following his blocking me and sending him a message that way as another user…but I was too lazy. I let him choose. I really was expecting to hear from him again. It was a pretty hot connection. May never know. I follow my own advice: embrace uncertainty. Ha ha

BTW – this story had me laughing like no other I have written so far. Numerous belly laughs. It did not seem to get old… Thanks Dave.

“It’s All In The Jeans” title…and then the “Action Pants” ad. I crack myself up!

February 28, 2014

Since this incident and writing, I have attended a five day retreat with Matt Kahn. He brought up a common phase that many spiritual seekers go through. He calls it the cosmic horn dog phase. I now consider myself a former spiritual seeker. I am no longer seeking. I have found…that I have been right here all along. I completely resisted the idea that I am going through the ‘oh so common’ cosmic horn dog phase – which likely meant that I am (was?) going through this. It is the idea that one is love. One can share this love with others. It is very authentic to engage sexually whenever you feel a connection. So I took a break from the Plenty Of Fish Smorgasboard. Let me settle into myself and see how I feel. Did not want to delete my account though…in case I hear from my sexy, young friend. I just make my pictures private and the boys mostly leave me alone.

I came across an excellent quote that I will now use to learn about myself – the only real thing we are trying to do in relationship??

When I become attracted to someone, I feel into why this is so. Is this perpetuating an unhealed part of myself, or is this an opportunity to evolve? Sidonie Bouchet

I am a Big Fan of a well worded question. I believe that we are saved more by questions than answers could ever hope to. My favorite answer, “I don’t know”.

Sacred humor is a divine self-awareness of the absurdity of the human condition. Gary Z. McGee

It (humor) dethrones the Emperor in the mind while revealing he’s not even wearing any clothes. Gary Z. McGee – author of Birthday Suit of God and The Looking Glass Man.

We see how our Soul is playing hide-and-go-seek with our Ego. Gary Z. McGee (again)

He follows this quote with:

Humor debunks the ego’s pride in itself, not masochistically, but in the spirit of cosmic joy. Let us embrace this particular flavor of absurdity, let us hug the hurricane, let us bosom the apocalypse. If we should transcend the paradigm, so be it. If not, at least we’re laughing.

I could not agree more…

July 8, 2014

Just read an excerpt from “Bringers of the Dawn” by Barbara Marciniak that resonates. Going far beyond this story but speaking about sex and its highest purpose. The concept that religious organizations disjoined sex from its fullest purpose. The observation noted that a lot of shame has been linked to sexual expression which in turn has delayed evolution of the human species. The views could be considered way out there. I feel truth in these views. It speaks of an authentic, beautiful human expression via sexuality in its fullest form. We have to let go of belief systems handed down for generations in order to access this fullest expression.

I do not believe in sin. I do not believe in karma. But I loved The Fault In Our Stars. A quote from the book: “Some tourists think Amsterdam is a city of sin but in truth it is a city of freedom. And in freedom most people find sin.” The cabdriver in Amsterdam.

Addendum February 13, 2022
In response to the ending quote:
“Yes. AND it is also important to comprehend that we are not judged or punished FOR these “sins” but BY the acts themselves…which only occur at lower consciousness levels. With more Spiritual Maturity, there is no longer any temptation to do that type of thing. Everything is Divine- Everything is permitted-= but not everything is DESIRED. So many things are no longer chosen because it will lead us into lower bandwidth rather than upward. When we are UNITED we are free to choose anything, but we make only the Higher choices, typically.. choices.”
Stephanie Ark Hogarth

After re-reading this article today, February 2, 2022, my self-love quotient shot up to 100%.
This story was written and self-published in 2014.
I was a little sheepish about the idea of anyone reading it. My “most embarrassing” story.
Reading it February 2, 2022 and Accepting It as a true story of my past, accepting my past self, had a magical influence on me.
Shared it with a couple of friends. Stephanie had no first hand experience with this type of behavior. Her quote above was an insightful response to the quote the article originally ended upon.
I remarked how powerful and perfectly placed that quote was on my 2022 read.
[In the 2022 context of a global cry for freedom.]

I just received that my sexuality was distorted and going sideways due to my lack of courage to be myself. My lack of embodiment of my true nature.
I was aware of who my preferred sexual partner was/is.
Yet I did not know how to approach him optimally or properly.
He was such a clear mirror for me.
I had huge catalytic reactions in response to my physical interactions with him.
I met him before I was truly prepared to sincerely ‘meet’ him.
I would guess the same for him.
Not a problem.
We are all innocent.
We did not develop our distortions in a vacuum.
Culturally endemic in our world of inverted, distorted systems.
It is a big deal.
Everything entangled, it has taken much time for some of us to make some headway.
Understanding, compassion and love.
Yet boundaries are the latest addition to my experience.
I wish for more natural, harmonious relating. Now.
With friends.
Family.
Business collaborators.
With the optimal resonant love partner.

Love expresses in infinite ways.
When we all learn to express love more genuinely,
It will change the world.
We all have “egg on face” moments.
Let us harvest them optimally.
Everything Will Be OK by Home Free.
Click link to view and listen.

A final quote shared with me by my friend Randy.
The preacher in Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath says,
Maybe there ain’t no sin and there ain’t no virtue,
they’s just what people does.
Some things folks do is nice and some ain’t so nice,
and that’s all any man’s got a right to say.

I chose to come back and express as my own acceptance of prior behavior that I had felt a little ashamed of … felt very liberating.
Freedom: an inside job.
When one gets the inside right, the outside world has no choice but to reflect this.
I trust each reader will have their own themes and flavors to process for themselves.
If not, congratulations and enjoy your freedom!

Credentials Schmedentials

July 7, 2014 / Disabled Angel

You were not born to use this life to refine or improve yourself. You were born to use this life as a canvas to paint yourself across. You cannot be certified to do this. You do not need a college degree to do this. You were qualified from the day you first drew breath. We do not understand that we came into this life qualified to live it. Teal Swan

I had just completed reading an article about Michelle Obama in the Sept. 24, 2012 Maclean`s Magazine. The grabline on the front cover was, Why Michelle Obama is Bad for Women.

Crystal Heath – Coely

OK, that really grabbed my attention. I read the first paragraph of the article where it was described that Michelle walked on the stage to the tune of Stevie Wonder singing, Signed, Sealed, Delivered. The reporter chose to notice as it reflected such a different tone to the Isn’t She Lovely preceding her 2008 speech. Angèle was easily distracted. Just wait, you will see…

Before getting into paragraph two, I am on You Tube looking for a really cool cover of the same song. Approximately 10 seconds later, paydirt! Jamiroquai…so much funkier –even though Stevie Wonder is pretty funky. Jamiroquai put a cool twist on it by playing it faster than its original: lovely musical display. Moments later, I am posting it on Facebook.

Jamiroquai performs Signed, Sealed, Delivered

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Love Ellen!!!

I saw Michelle Obama on Ellen. It had been a while but a Simple Pleasure that for years I enjoyed, was taping two Ellen shows per week and watching the monologue. Rarely would I sit through the guest interviews – but there have been some great ones. I just love Ellen`s sensibility – discernment. I am surprised to see there was more than one option with Michelle Obama. The one I recall was with Michelle and Ellen comparing how many pushups each could perform in a row.

Michelle Obama on Ellen Degeneres Show

I always love to throw out that silly side of life to balance the serious stuff. This ended with more Jamiroquai explorations leading to posting another of their songs in the comment chain of the Facebook post, God Made Me Funky. Loved this so much as I truly resonate with this simple proclamation.

Jamiroquai performs God Made Me Funky

Marjorie carried the Olympic Torch through Edmonton on its way to Vancouver in 2010!! Our Cover Girl…

Of course, I am curious if I can keep up to the First Lady in the pushup department. No, apparently not. I am the wiser for exploring this. It brought attention to my history with Marjorie O`Connor. She is an amazing spirit with a Beautiful energy she shares by both leading Fitness classes and training Fitness instructors. I had heard a lot of rave reviews over recent years. I read an article about her in Edmonton Magazine which makes her a local celebrity. I was inspired by her even before we met. Years ago, I signed up for one of her `MOC`classes …MOC=her initials. She had devised very efficient moves, MOC moves, that worked two or three muscle groups at once…and guided us with fun energy. She is very knowledgeable about Fitness science in an extremely holistic way. I arrived early to my first class, rarely am ever early, that enabled us to have a brief one on one conversation: right away wondering about taking the Instructor Course with her. She complimented me on my physique as I am already looking fine– you really have to hear my dear friend, Karen over-pronounce this with a Southern United States drawl – that is how I always say it in my mind. Thank you, darling! It was a good year and a half later before I actually did take the course with Marjorie. To be completely honest with myself, I took it more to get out of the house for a couple of weekends as it was the time when my parenting partner was living under the same roof with me but bedrooms were long separate. He was due to move out within a month of this training. It was a little headstart in our shared parenting patterns to come. Not that I didn’t enjoy the instructor classes…because I did. It was so fun the way Marjorie taught the various muscle names. She really should teach at Medical School! Just observing the contrast was incredible. I recall one hands on exercise we did. We were given the names of all the relevant muscles written on sticky notes. Then we chose one in our group to be the person whom we stuck the notes on the accompanying muscle of their body. A little humbling because those darn quadriceps: you really can`t distinguish one from the other – after a decade. Even in practice, I would not have recalled the specific name of each one. My group did really well…but not 100%. My own insecurity wondered if I had not disappointed them just a little. Well, that’s their problem! It just did not come up often enough to require this knowledge to be at the ready. So much – almost all? – of what we learn is not really all that important to what we do in our credentialed roles. Reflecting on Education/Systems/Bureaucracy was a longstanding hobby. I found myself looking on the AFCL website, the Official Governing Body for Fitness Instructors in Alberta. I noticed that the published list of credentialed instructors was shockingly short. Of course, everybody is leading Fitness Classes without credentials….ooooooo!

I continued to ponder these topics in light of the Fitness Instructor world. I have always thought it might be fun to lead a fitness class. I toy with “what would Angèle’s class be like?” I enjoy music so much. So, definitely, my class would not overlook the musical choices. There would be great discernment in the musical accompaniment. I see the poster now, “Bring your Cowgirl to the Rec. Centre for a Rompin’ workout” or something with this hint at my love for country music. One of the most sincere compliments I gave to Marjorie was her awesome and meticulous care with her music. She had many playlists on her ipod. Every week she would hold to a theme in the music. We were treated to 80’s one week, club music the next etc. Her musical exploration often hit the mark for me – reminding me of long forgotten favorites. I noticed my resistance to just copying Marjorie’s style. It would be extremely authentic for me to do this same weekly themed style. I love exclusivity…to my peril sometimes.

I notice that all of the other participants in the course are already leading a fitness class in some capacity. I always find a way to be unique. As people learned of my attendance in the courses, several acquaintances wanted to be on the list to participate in future Fitness work that I might do. I just could not fully see it in my mind’s eye…unless it was on a Cruise Ship. Alas, the dream peeks out…

I discussed with everyone I came into contact this issue of credentials in relation to Fitness Instructor but also the wider professional world.

Wind of Change by the Scorpions

Change your perspective…

Arguments for why we need these Governing Bodies that issue the sought after credentials:

Protect the public – presumably from bad moves? Bad music? Injuries? This makes some sense. I have often been in exercise classes where someone was a bit concerned, scared, about the moves in light of their physical condition.
Insurance Companies require you to be fully certified before they will insure your business. Hmmmm…not connecting to this logic. Fear of being sued is in the air.
Maintain high quality – because without the Governing Body, we might not have high quality. Hmmmm. Not connecting to this logic. People with passion tend to deliver high quality. People who are not high quality will have problems attracting and keeping clients.

Despite all of these concerns, many classes get taught without credentials…gasp! I decide that this logic really extends to all professions, right?

Well, I have some experience in the Medical Profession. There has always been a more high profile discussion of the Medical Governing Bodies. How capable are they of protecting the public? or Maintaining high quality? I don’t want to tell stories in this area but I have not been all that impressed that they are able to do this- despite their beautiful intentions. In a nutshell, few individuals have the balls to call a spade a spade. If you know what I mean. I will spare you the details. I urge you to think of your own experiences. Have you noticed this, too?

I find myself exploring the Individual’s Responsibility. Can each of us commit to making these decisions for ourselves? We have been led to believe that we are not capable. As a Basement Philosopher, and a spiritually connected being, I put my foot down. We are so much more capable than we have been led to believe. As a society, we are likely pretty comfortable, most of us, to honor ourselves with the capability of having enough discernment to know whether we have confidence in the abilities of a Fitness Instructor. How does this change for Doctor? Lawyer? Chiropractor? Dentist? Restaurant? Movie? Generally, we make a relationship with a service provider. We will monitor how we feel in this relationship. Do I leave feeling empowered, on the right track? Do I trust this person/service? As I continue obtaining services, am I receiving the benefit that I was hoping to? Believe me, I have heard so many people who came to me as a Physician who held strong feelings about these questions related to an experience they had with another Service Provider. They always have free will to make another choice if their initial one did not work out. People exercise that choice every single day.

Are our assessment tools fine-tuned enough? My sense is that for most people they are not all that fine tuned. Partly because Society sets us up to rely on these Governing Bodies. I question our blind faith in this area. My hypothesis: we all have the capability to be far more discerning on our own behalf than any bureaucratic organization could ever hope to be. The bureaucracies are forced to lump data. They need to assume that there is an average citizen/human with attributes that can be extrapolated to the masses. I believe that this is not true. Remember that good old Bell Curve? Lord help me when I was introduced to this concept. It put the fear of death into me! Upon completing High School, we heard about how the marks in University were designed to fall into the Bell Curve. A specified percentage would receive the top mark of 9 out of 9, a slightly larger chunk could receive the 8 etc. There was a system to rank and sort. Likely this is all very different today but the Bell Curve does give an example that for almost any attribute, there is not just one option for its expression. In Medicine, I think this really complicates the entire science. We do research to attempt to objectify the best treatments and understanding of our Human Body. But, the number of variables is enormous!! We don’t know what we don’t know.

One of the very many grave disappointments I have experienced practising Medicine…

Somewhere along the way, we thought it is a good idea to prevent illness. Agreed. One of the strategies is to go for your annual checkup. There are many good outcomes from this annual checkup:

Develop a relationship with your Doctor – Yes
Be screened for some of the more common medical ailments – Yes
Catch an illness early in its natural history to begin treatment promptly, hopefully preventing complications – yes, seems like a good idea.
Monitor the Medical Research coming in constantly to be customized to your particular health attributes – Yes.
Educate you in Health Related matters – presumably tailored to your sex/age group and any other factors – profession etc.

There are likely many other points one could make here but this list gives an idea. As an example, I thought a fair amount about Post-Menapausal Care. I had a lot of women in my practice requiring this information. Well, I practiced for five years full-time. I started to get embarrassed when the Hormone Replacement

Your perspective may not see the whole picture…

Therapy changed almost annually. The changes were great extremes. It really left me losing full faith in our Medical Research. My own definition of Science and Medicine was based on the idea that Truth was coming out of it. This particular topic shook my foundation of trust. We really did not have all of the information to make a scientifically backed fully informed choice. I had to handle the questions…and my patients were darned smart. They would leave me scratching my head almost daily. I did not have the answers. I consider myself to have high integrity…and I did not know too much. Once I started to lose faith in Medical Scientific Research, it was not an easy job to continue doling it out. And those smart patients kept asking good questions. The ones who were not asking were relying on blind faith that I could hand over a prescription with the magic pills that would make it aaaaaall better… The blinders were fully installed. They were unwilling to commit to health. They were sold on the sickness model. They allowed sickness to intertwine with their own identity. This hurt me deeply. It gave impetus for me to read around personal growth. How could I inspire my patients to commit to health by committing to themselves? This was my focus in my later years in practice. Such a long career too…

I feared litigation – as all Doctors do. You would be shocked! So along with what I hoped might assuage my Soul, I towed the party line too. This was not easy. By the end, I had great difficulty writing prescriptions. I did not have a better solution at the ready however. I doubted myself…a lot. I just wrung my hands together day after day. I found pleasure in my interactions with people, don’t get me wrong. I did not really think I was suffering. I was contemplating...a lot.

Within the Medical Profession, there are a lot of Philosophers and good people. There were such beautiful exchanges on a very regular basis. Most Doctors have such high intentions to do their patients right. They so, so earnestly want the best for their patients. Among Doctors, we cannot deny that the healthiest patients would not have prescribed medicines in their lives. I recall deeply aligning with the practice of simply requesting the patient to bring in all of their orally consumed substances aside from food– medicine, vitamins, nutriceuticals & other. Through this simple practice, I felt I delivered some of my best care. It shocks me to this day how little patients understood their medications: when and how to take them. Why they are taking them. How many times would I uncover duplication of drugs and general mayhem. Truly the job of a pharmacy assistant but oh, so important. I enjoyed opening the brown bags to see what mysteries would unfold…and be clarified for patients. I would then try to lower dosages or remove medications. Most patients were reluctant and afraid to do this. My mom recounts one of her clients tooting my horn for how much I helped a family member during my first locum in Lacombe, Alberta, with this simple strategy – taught to me by the Geriatricians. Simple advice is often the best advice. Hmmmmm…

From the ancient Hippocratic Oath: First Do No Harm is a Medical Dictum.

The patients rarely would admit to the other category of pharmacologically active substances. We had to guess at those – alcohol for example. I was a master at this – but doubted myself every step of the way. Denial is such a nasty life partner. Alcohol and denial go hand in hand.

This reminds me of a story! Imagine that. I once had a patient who came in fairly regularly – not uncommon. But it did not take long for me to feel confused about what was really going on. I noted a strong odor of Listerine accompanied him on each visit. Against all medical propriety, I secretly threw on a blood alcohol level to his bloodwork requisition one day. I doubted myself so much. Yet, I wanted that objective data. Well, I got it – of course. He was loaded. I did not say anything about the blood test. I just asked about alcohol intake in a seemingly routine way. He did not bite…Ok, now we dance. I just handled the situation as he presented it with each visit, always looking for an opportunity to address the real issues. We eventually got to talk more in reality mode once he had his Driver’s License taken away and he was in legal trouble with an impaired driving charge. I had rarely been called into a Court of Law on behalf of a patient. It was very common to write a report for the purposes of the Legal System. The report usually sufficed. This troubled gentleman and I had a good rapport. He was fighting his court case related to his alcohol use and his lawyer chose to include me in the case. This was not essential but I came to understand, he was hoping that our good relationship would put his client in a better light as a recovered alcoholic. Well, I am always enthusiastic for new experiences. I get to go to a St. Albert courtroom for the second time in my life…and this time, I was not the accused! Life is so interesting. I was the expert witness. Bizarre. Gotta’ love that paradox…

I was a bit nervous at the prospect of being cross-examined. The kind lawyer representing my patient assured me that I just had to objectively answer the questions as they were posed. OK, that sounded easy. I was reassured…and actually kind of excited. My mom was a lawyer so I had been to court just for the experience along with her a few times – at the big law courts in Edmonton. It is easy to see why TV shows like to depict the Legal and Medical Systems – there is a lot of drama on display. It was not all that dramatic in my turn as the expert witness. In a nutshell, the prosecuting lawyer’s questions revolved around what chances did I see for my patient to fall off the wagon. Well, I am honest to a fault so the only real answer was I have no idea. He asked, “With alcohol use that has resulted in Legal difficulties, is there not a high rate of recidivism?” He used that word – pretty fancy. I do not recall but would not be surprised if I had to request a definition. Did I know the meaning of recidivism (to return to the same behavior) at the time? It was my understanding that looking at a similar population, there would be a high rate of recidivism. It was a short experience. I did not think too much about it. I never saw that patient again. I was left with the feeling that every single visit he had with me was for the purposes of this legal problem. Every single one: a ruse. I have no idea if he chose to be a statistic or transformed his life in any real way. Weeks later, I got some feedback about the courtroom experience – completely unexpected. My mom did her Articling in St. Albert so knew the Legal crowd. In her travels as a lawyer in Edmonton, she crossed paths with the prosecuting lawyer who cross examined me. Apparently, he was very impressed. Really? What is the big deal? My mom felt that it was a very authentic “surprise” to him at how Professional I seemed. He had rarely encountered an “expert witness” of my colors. He just was in shock at how honest I was. Is honesty really that rare? My biggest answer was “I Don’t Know”. Remember, this phrase is crazy powerful. It is so often the most honest answer. Listen to me now, believe me later. I recall that my patient’s lawyer was also very impressed. Somehow, the case went very much in the favor of giving this guy a break. I certainly refused to take any responsibility for the patient’s future choices. As much as I declared I would support him through his journey of recovery. The best part of it was my mom being so honored. I read between the lines. She did not say it…and did not need to. Yes, I was fortunate to have fantastic models for integrity and honesty in both of my parents. It was a nice moment to share with my mom. My little kindergartner self loved being positively acknowledged…by her mum. Certainly, we never really know what impact we have on the people we interact with. The most important person to impress is always ourselves. I am easily impressed at times.

Wrote: September 2012

Was a little manic when I wrote this. Maybe you noticed…
It can serve as a wee case report. The manic mind is a mysterious thing…or not. Flight of ideas, easily distracted, disjointed thinking, easily excited to enthusiasm, elevated mood. All here. I chose to leave it as it stands. Removed a few things. I really enjoyed writing this one and the accompanying Facebook Post. When I am manic, I enjoy everything. Call me crazy… it is official after all.

Add July 5, 2014:

Point #1 of this unusual collection of thoughts and stories: You can get a whole lot of training to say “I don’t know”. The more training you get, the more powerful your “I don’t know” is. I wonder if there is a better way to go about this?

Point #2: If we all tap into our inner knowing, it bypasses a lot of the bureaucratic administration of knowledge. We can align to the highest version of ourselves. We would each follow our passions and out of our own integrity develop skills and services that would serve the world at the highest level. As more and more people do this, society would be fully served. We would take responsibility for ourselves: both as service providers and as clients etc. Choice would be our power.

July 5, 2014 daily quote from Abraham:

Everything is valid and everything is truthful, because Law of Attraction lets everything be. The question is not whether it’s right or wrong, whether their approach is right or wrong, or whether my approach is right or wrong. The question is: Does their approach feel good to me? And if it doesn’t, then I choose a different approach.

Does that make sense? Too simple for you? I ascribe a harmonious life to ease, grace and listening to my inner knowing. Inner knowing could be thought of as following your gut. Our inner knowing may choose to take a course or training program. But I believe we have come to push people into this training system when it may not match their purpose and passion…to our detriment. I believe this wholeheartedly. Of course, it is often not perceived as easy or graceful to follow this philosophy in our current Society setup. Consider that harmony can include comfortable and uncomfortable experiences. I believe that all experiences are for our highest good…when we let go and allow what is here. Follow your own inner compass. Paradox… is good.

One can only start at the beginning…

We Sink, We Swim

July 1, 2014 / Disabled Angel

The beginning of a school year: it marks a new season for families with kids in the school system. New routines are formed. Fall 2012 three kids entered a new Grade, two started new schools. The entry into both Junior High and High School are significant milestones. Add in riding the city bus independently for Jacques, Grade 7, as another important moment. Obtained his first cell phone as did his sister before him upon entry to Grade 7. Jean-Luc would ride the bus without his older brother watching over him … and walking him to and fro – one block.

Powerful-Swimmer-by-Junya-Nishigawa-httpbit.lyTAAC5v.jpg

He would walk from the bus stop alone – oooooh.

Each child started their new chapter with optimism and excitement.

R.E.M. “It’s the End of the World”. This is true in every moment, is it not? Loving that Elise noticed this song as we drove to her Orientation Day at High School. She was smiling as she enjoyed the repurposing of this term– taking the positive spin. This is always a choice for each and every one of us.

It is contagious, for sure. Each year, I form my own new chapter. Over the years, it had taken many shapes. Fall 2012 I started to carve routines that would nurture some writing – enjoying this beyond belief. Could this truly be my life? Oh yes, tis. I committed to return to the Masters Swimming twice a week at my longtime club. Their first workout fell on the first day of school. I had participated in different ways with this group for over ten years. Wow! Usually, in September there is great enthusiasm in the first few weeks which can result in four swimmers to a lane. The first day of school 2012 did not require more than two to a lane– awesome! I sensed myself crafting an “Ode to Swimming” -you are now reading it- as I did the drills.

I fondly remembered back to the fateful day when I saw a fellow Doc -it is a bit of a club- swimming some lengths as I bobbed in the teach pool with a preschooler and a toddler. My comrad was one year ahead in medical school. His class was affectionately termed by my group as the class of 89 percent, class of ’89. His stroke was soooo smooth. He could breathe on both sides -bilateral breathing- oooooh. I took notice. I did not know him all that well. We had both traveled in a large group of medical students for a ski trip way back when –steep and deep as I recall the snow conditions- so I recognized him. Being Angèle, I approached to tell him how impressed I was and how did he learn to swim so nicely, front crawl? He was charming and relayed his participation with the Masters Swimming Program at the Club. Join us Monday nights! OK. I loved being personally invited. Well I turned up and realized that as much as I have always felt great comfort in the water, I would never drown, I actually did not know how to swim all that well. Or maybe I should say, I did not know how to breathe in the water while I move my body. Quite funny. Well, it was quickly determined that I would take a few private lessons with the Coach before returning to the group. Meeting Coach was and continues to be a real treat. She is one of those diamonds in the rough. She actually functions as the Recreation Manager at the club but her prior career was swim coach – a darned good one from all accounts. Passions do not die so way back she started coaching a group once a week, Monday nights. Over time it had slowly evolved to two nights per week, two mornings per week and one or two extreme mornings per week -6am to suit the working stiffs. Not sure if she had delegated any of these groups. We are all disappointed when delegation does occur – as life has its ways. She brings an energy to the pool that is sorely missed in her absence. Our swim group has evolved to a book club/social club – and Coach is right in there like a dirty shirt. In fact, last year my participation only included the social events – hard to believe. So I had constant reminders that I was welcomed to rejoin anytime. Starts now (then) baby…

Back to the first private lesson: I was told that judging by the look of my stroke it was a loooong time ago that I learned to swim. “We do not teach that way anymore” and haven’t for a long time now. So just by a couple of swim strokes, I have dated myself. Coach just roars in laughter without inhibition – nice. I was humbled. We all need this from time to time. OK, Ms. Coach, teach me! She did. She was quick to note that I am athletic and learned at a fast pace – yeah for me! I rejoined the group. And it was good. It was very

Cover Girls March 2007. We took a lot of heat for this pic…

good. At the onset, my idea was that I needed to learn to swim so that maybe someday, that day has yet to arrive, I could do a Triathalon. I recall overhearing Coach as I was swimming in one of our early lessons say to someone that “this one thinks she can do a triathalon”- probably thinking that I could not hear. Her voice has a beautiful quality that just carries through the water miraculously. So handy for a swim coach. It was kind-hearted and honest. I can only assume that swimming a triathalon was not the image I was displaying. Many years later, I can confirm my correct assessment of that situation. I cannot even count the number of times I have heard Coach say, “You think you are bad, you should have seen Angèle when she first started” as she is giving the common pep talk that we all need from time to time. The first time I heard it, I could only cock my head to the side. Hmmmm?

I love Coach so much. Her joy and enthusiasm for people comes through in her coaching. I would call her a coaching addict – thank the Lord for that! She is authentic and honest so I loved hearing that I am one of her greatest success stories. She uses my example to encourage the downhearted swimmers that come through the group. I embrace my history…

I did actually fit right in by then– and had for a long time. But we all start at the beginning.

Back to the first swim September 2012: we are instructed to do a couple of front crawl ladders. Do 25 meters, 50, 75, 100 with 10 seconds rest between. Then 1 minute and do it again. I catch myself remembering how big – for me– it was, way back in time, to just swim 100 meters without stopping. This was a huge milestone. You do have to learn to breathe for this – and doing it elegantly from whatever side helps a lot. I applaud myself for seeing the beauty in my comrad’s stroke so many years ago. And casting all pride aside as I clawed my way to becoming a swimmer. I have come to love the flow of the water as I swim. I remember being so drawn to Coach’s words, “When you are a good swimmer, you can go any speed”. Sometimes it is great to go long and slow, other times hard and fast is right: Metaphor for Life…
We end our workout this first day with 25 meter sprints -only four. I am all in for the first two – not bad. I impress myself. Who else is there to impress?

Participant from the 2008 Tour d’Alberta – from their Facebook Page. Wanted to show the fields…a multisensory experience.

Through swimming, I have learned a lot about myself. I tended, in past years, to be one of the lazier in the group. It really is not an insult as the group was a bunch of bloody superstars – Triathletes, marathoners, bike racers etc.. I was just fondly remembering a fellow swimmer telling me at a social event last year about biking the 170 km version of the Tour d’Alberta which produced some painful blisters on her ?*@& (you know) – ouch! My story was riding the 50km version in 2011. As I had not been on the road bike that year, it seemed a good choice. Coming into the last 10km I was assured it was the right one for me. I absolutely loved it!! The smell of Canola, Mustard and Wheat fields around Morinville, North of Edmonton – so good. The half-way mark was lunch in Legal with my French Canadian Brethren. Meat pie was included along with many other treats. Running out of energy was not at risk. Loved the tour format as opposed to a race- Beautiful. I certainly spent a bit of energy wondering if I could do it – the full 100km. Sometimes the only way to know is just to do it. I registered on site and quickly snapped at the 50km option – no training, I tell myself. 2012, Elise and I were all pumped to go on our mountain bikes, 50km –a small step in difficulty compared to the road bike last year. Just prior to going to bed the night before, I look on the website and see that I am off by one week. The Tour was the week prior!! Well, Elise and I proceeded the next day to do our own tour– much shorter and started at 2pm rather than 10am – all good. There was no meat pie but we enjoyed it a lot.

Back to swimming: Returning after my little hiatus allowed me to check myself against myself. I should not be surprised but I am coming off quite a bit fitter/keener/more energetic/ not a word of complaint. Wow! What was the difference? My mindset was different. I reflected. I had just watched a little ad from MindValley, an internet publishing company, on the Silva Method. José Silva was an electrician and noted how less resistance allowed better flow of energy in electrical appliances. He extrapolated this to human consciousness. He developed methods and tools to enable the human mind to function better and at a higher level through reducing resistance. Funny that I am thinking of José Silva as I compare myself to myself in swimming. I recognized that my resistance to so many things was either gone or dramatically reduced. As a result, I had so much energy available for other things. I remarked that I was so much more coachable this day than I had ever been before. In everything, I was reborn. I needed to rediscover myself and what I was capable of. I saw it as a benefit to think this way of myself in every moment. Do not let past experience limit the present.

One of the drills was pull buoys and paddles. Front crawl/arms only. Focus on long and smooth. 80% effort. I remember in the early days swimming with the group and only capable of 100% because otherwise I would sink or drown or something. Today that 80% really registers and I can do this. Even in more recent years, I was usually nearly fully used up by the second half of the workout, I was pushing to complete in any form that I could. I would even leave the workout early if energy was low or ran out. Coach always had something to say but I am pretty determined once I make a decision. I can remember feeling a little faint during showers post swim workout regularly. I was all used up. Not this time. I ended the first two workouts with energy to spare – big time! I had noted in conversation after the first workout, that I made a mindset shift. I was determined not to try to calculate whether I could do a drill or not or whether I might be unable to fully participate in the drill or not or whether I would be sore or fatigued later in the day following. I would just do it and be truly in the moment. I would be whatever I would be – no effort to try to look ahead. I would not judge it in any way. I would just do it and make any decision in the moment with no regard to past history. I would not spend any time wondering whether I would be sore etc. Start anew…mindset.

It felt a little like which came first, the chicken or the egg but my perception was once I drop all resistance to being fit/energetic/positive/having fun/growing/learning etc, etc., I just was fit/energetic/positive/having fun/growing/learning etc. I really looked wide in my life and knew that I was using up a lot of energy denying the truth, not acting for my highest good that I was a less fit version of myself as a result. I got great satisfaction from a good hard swim during times of frustration but never like this week.

Getting back to the specific example: we did 50 meters of the drill 10 times (500 meters). We were to count how many strokes we take each length -25 metres. I overheard Coach, through the water – remember, telling another swimmer that “28 is too many strokes”.

Several in the group swam 2014 Sharkfest 2.4km from Alcatraz to the shore.

Oh yeah, let me count, “23”. Coach gives me the one tip of the two I get through the last two workouts that were specific to me. Next length, I count 20. Nice improvement. I get it down to 18? Really? Maybe I lost track of counting but I do not think so. That was amazing! I guess swimming for ten years does make me more coachable but mindset seemed the premiere reason. I remembered how hard it is to count strokes when you are focusing on so many other things – maybe a bit fatigued. It was as easy as pie today. I was guilty of trying “too hard” and “overbreathing” – funny comments from my past. But I clearly look back and see how well earned those comments were -talking the early years before Jean-Luc came along in 2004. It was one fateful Monday night when I entered the pool for a workout and left within five minutes, went home. The first thing I did was a pregnancy test – I was pregnant. Not feeling capable of a swim workout was my first sign of pregnancy that time around. Just today I was swimming alongside a wonderful lady seven and a half months pregnant. She pickled and canned her garden veggies with all of her extra energy. I was impressed! Many of the women have done it over the years, but somehow, that was not going to be me. Story “Doctor Heal Thyself” talks about that some more. Will publish when inspiration hits.

I had swam so many workouts with Coach. They are never the same way twice. I have always marveled this amazing fact. On the first swim, she came up with a drill that I had never done before. The pull buoy was between our ankles. We were pulling with our bare hands -no paddles. This will put more emphasis on the core muscles – oh no. This drill reminded me why it is good to do a plank once in a while. I am fishtailing a bit – sign of weak core she said. So funny. I go home and assume the position – plank. Now I am motivated to add a plank-filled minute or two once in a while to my routine. I entertain myself if nothing else. If I am laughing, it is good. I was laughing as Jacques, son, tried to sit on me while I was planking – the laugh actually adds to the workout- so good. And the 110 pounds ends the plank!

Well one of the very best things to come out of my swim career is meeting one of my dearest friends. I do not want to downplay meeting Coach and all the other beautiful people that swim with us. I could write a book about them all. It is always amazing when you find a new friend that just enters your heart instantly and will never budge.

Coach, Friend and I October 2012

My fellow swimmer is one of those rare friends for me. I proclaimed myself as her sister one day not that long after. Her infectious, characteristic laugh has warmed my heart ever since I met her in 2006. We both vibrate in the memory of our friendship unfolding. It was not through our kids but in participating in an activity that was just for ourselves that we met. If you have been paying attention…that was swimming. We both had kids just under two years old so that was one of the similarities that we discovered. I will never forget the fateful day in the hot tub when the deep commitment to each other was made… without words. I was so tickled and complimented when she said that she was soooo surprised that I was trained as a Doctor. She would have pegged me as a sales rep. or something. So interesting. And so true. I evade definition. I have always known that. Well she is the very same. She, in her former life, was trained as a teacher. She left the Principal track to pursue life as a mother and wife to her Physician/MBA husband – her man is a unique blend also – and a million other things, gotta hate labels. We love to pontificate the finer nuances of life together. My little hobby of Education Advocacy fit nicely with her amazing experiences in the Education Systems in Ontario, Manitoba, British Columbia and Alberta – solely as a parent in Alberta. There is not a topic that we have not covered. We can go right back to our teenaged selves in a heartbeat – we love that! There is nothing like a friend that can take you everywhere there is to go in this world in one conversation. She is that friend for me. We go to each other in all times – good, bad and ugly. We see our future brighter with each other in it. I think it is love.

September 6, 2012: Kids come home from school – I am distracted from whatever I was working on. I captured this interesting hot tub conversation into my Sept. 6, 2012 word doc. I copy it here as it includes an interesting post- swim workout conversation.

As I write, two neighbor boys are here playing with my two sons. I do not think the Easy Button has had a moment’s rest. “That was easy” is spoken out loud by a calm deep man’s voice upon pushing a large, red button marked easy. It is part of a Staples campaign: very addictive!! That was easy…

Conversation in the hot tub after my second swim workout of the season with my coached masters group: there was a lineup for the showers so jump in the hot tub! I was there with three others – fellow swimmers. I have known two of them for years, they are lawyers. One would be enjoying the next year as inactive with the bar and the other would be re-entering the bar – or legal society or whatever they call it – in three months. She would need to retake the big exam and pay huge reinstatement fees as she had been parenting four children born across seven years – like me except squeezed an extra bundle of love in there. Mirroring my own domestic changes, her family had taken on the two household variety. I asked both of them what type of law they practice. One was employed by a large Construction Firm in town so tailored to their needs. The other called her past work litigation with the view to more exposure to other general law when the job would start three months down the line. I ask what they thought about the Collaborative Style of practice. I was tickled by the back and forth. They deemed Collaboration as only useful in Family Law. I questioned this promptly. They said that only in Family matters are both parties invested in the outcome. Really? I put it out there that everyone could benefit if they chose to go there. I believe this could have a huge impact in the world. They retorted back that the clients decide. I asked them to entertain that the lawyers could also choose to decide. I did not get a chance to share that I found a lawyer that made the personal choice to limit her practice to Collaborative only. Begged another conversation with my cherished Collaborative Lawyer, sits beside me in the administration of my marital change. How would she respond to their statements? If the only kind of lawyers non-family clients can find are the confrontational complete with ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ kind, then of course, they will choose this. Not sure I would call that a choice though. Does anyone know there is an alternative? Somehow I did. My mom worked, as a lawyer with the Federal Government at the time, with my lawyer’s husband – connections. One of the swimming lawyers asked with authentic interest where did I get my ideas from? I answer, “the Universe”. I am quickly informed with a lighthearted tone that I am in the wrong generation– alluding to hippies I presume. Really? The third lady piped in, oh, you want world peace. Summed it up nicely…
I admit that I do – amazing that she went there. More by vibration because the words did not say it. Love this song Ghandi Rap- Be The Change about fellow Lawyer, Mahatma Ghandi. This discourse tickled me silly. My ability to see the humor in all situations was huge and new. Jacques, my son, had really noted it. I felt the change in myself. I did not have to convince anyone of anything. I did feel this way and I was not afraid to share my opinion – yeah for me! I know one of them will never remember the conversation and maybe the other will come back to me to discuss more. I could be sure that everyone was respected – by me anyway. It was a fun exchange. Transformed, I am … in the stylings of Yoda. Felt great! I am an ex-activist. I would just be myself- so good! Nobody gets hurt…

Wrote early September 2012

June 29, 2014

This piece was written about a month and a half before my first Manic Episode. I was on my way up. I recall saying at one of the next swim workouts, while waiting in line for a shower, “I am going up … and I am taking everyone with me.” I still feel it … even when I am not crazy.

Disabled Angel

Storyteller and Artist in Life

Monthly Archives: July 2014