Image

Life Or Death

/

“I did not attend the funeral, but I sent a letter saying I approved of it.” Mark Twain

My parenting partner’s Uncle died May 2012. I heard the news, without story, within one day. I felt calm and peaceful. I thought fondly of the lighthearted man who battled several health conditions. In some ways, despite his youth under 60 years, I was not surprised that his life was not destined to be longer. The next day I heard the details of the big event. Hearing the story about the attempt at resuscitating the Uncle after he was noted to have stopped breathing by his wife opened a large can of worms for me.  I did not see it coming. If the story had been that he had died in his sleep, I would have nodded solemnly. But the truth was eight paramedics heaved his 300+ pound body downMouse CPR two short flights of stairs to the split level family room to give enough elbow room to do full CPR. I was instantly sobbing uncontrollably – in front of my kids. Not just for this Uncle but for all of the patients I have seen in my medical training that had died and a team of medical personnel would not accept this fact.

Tears in Heaven by the Choir Boys covering Eric Clapton.
(Click title to view the video)

How did this get into the system? We are not allowed to die? If you do, we need to hop into action to alleviate our own guilt for your death? I cried for all of the beautiful souls whose earthly body had 1452572_543360459087708_1941372277_nexpired and I was involved in the futile attempt to act as God. It always seemed so disrespectful. The whole medical team would kind of wince as we performed the protocol on nonagenarians and the like who just happened to die in hospital. It was a requirement of us unless a “Do Not Resuscitate” (DNR) order had been made: required a talk with the family so logistics often got in the way. You know. Communication…that’s hard. So often the discussion of the DNR order created a drama within a family that was difficult to watch. Too many cooks in the kitchen, you know?

I really wanted to just screw the lid back on this issue in my history.  I guessed that this had come up for me to deal with. Shortly after, I drove my son Jacques to ball hockey. I found myself going into my back pocket for the Forgiveness Prayer that a Facebook friend recently posted. I re-posted thinking I would984126_800789219932609_156065310192424861_n not need this a whole lot as I had already forgiven so completely. Ha ha to that. It was for this Uncle…and for a specific patient that came to my mind from years ago.

I am sorry

I love you

Please forgive me (us)

Thank you.

I am sorry

I love you

Please forgive me (us)

Thank you.

I repeated this over and over in my head and the tears were streaming. Jacques was confused but did not seem too worried. I also realized that I have to write about this and I could almost see that open door of the airplane at 13,000 feet: memory from my tandem skydive experience March 2012. I was so scared at the thought of writing real memories that were not positive …and painful.  **see note at end***  Now I was glad that I was connected to a world class Satsang teacher who had helped me to integrate 10415650_10203923295151263_8874262801797317292_nthe importance of looking at the shadows – and to be so very kind with myself. Be with it. These parts of ourselves are unique strands that create the rich fabric of who we are. I knew that I had to feel this.  Then it would release in love.  I would be free. I wanted to be free. I wonder how many other doctors out there feel as I do? Medical training to my mind was dehumanizing – for me. Perhaps it is better now? I have no idea as mine ended back in 1992.

As I was driving that May 2012 day, I recalled my stint in the CCU, Cardiac Care Unit, – a pretty intense place on the best of days for sure. There was one particular patient whose memory popped into my mind. It surprised me to see his face in my mind’s eye as I grieved the freshly deceased Uncle. The patient did 1150157_208922985940334_489717601_nnot leave that unit alive and it was one of the most traumatic cases I had witness of.  For me.  The difference with this man was that he was under the age of 40 years. He was a diabetic which likely set him up for his premature heart attack. I do not remember all of the details but he was a rotund man, had red hair and was a very personable character. I enjoyed great personal interactions with him – and his wife. Despite the drama of these critical wards, there always felt to have been reasonable success in discharging patients back to the regular ward. The youth of this man definitely had us all feeling optimistic. The night of his death, I was the intern on call so would spend the night in the hospital. A specific room for sleeping was available if a lapse presented itself – usually did. Very rare to have no sleep- four hours common. He and his wife appeared very connected. She was reluctant to leave and it was getting later and later. I encouraged her to go home and get some sleep. She could come back tomorrow. She looked me in the eye and asked me to call her if his condition changed. I said that I would, thinking it could not change too fast could it? Yes, it could. I had never seen a staff man, full-fledged doctor in charge, kick into gear as fast as the Cardiologist that night had to. This lovely soul, our patient, crashed -in medical terms. Pandemonium. Emergency cardiac artery unblocking 10455867_775423999175574_4120527099494713486_nattempt via the vein. Balloon sent up to the heart etc. I find I have forgotten all of the terms. Thank God! Well, despite the most heroic of efforts, the patient was pronounced dead. I was left feeling greater respect for this particular Cardiologist’s skills that night. I had never seen such a valiant effort. As I think back there was fear in the doctor’s eyes for sure. The patient cannot be dead until we say he is dead. This is the time noted on the chart and the death certificate shortly thereafter. As we all come together in this combined disappointment and grief, I recalled my promise to his wife. My heart just cracked. I did not call her in my own trauma of the experience. I am sure all I was doing was standing there with my mouth open. I noted this to myself right away. I did not know what I could do about it. A nurse called her and she was soon on the ward to see her husband. I did not fear approaching her and wondered what I could say to express my feelings of regret and condolences to this woman. She sobbed as she repeated, “You said you would call me”, “You said you would call me”.  I so very sincerely apologized to her – with apology accepted. It is not that her intention was to make me feel any worse than we all already did but somehow the fact that she had already forgiven me 972057_487554237998881_95421249_nmade her pain have all the more impact on me. Likely it was a blessing. I imagine it would have been very traumatic for her to see what was done to her husband’s body after his death. Operation revive was not for the fainthearted. As I reflect today on this, it reminds me of the fact that in our society, we are not setup to be prepared when bad things/sad things actually happen. I have thought this many times. I think of the legal system and how it holds so many people in fear should anything untoward happen. When will we all start taking responsibility for things that happen in our lives? As this beautiful spirit, the patient’s wife did. The New Age Spirituality leads us to believe that everything that happens to us matches our own energetic vibration. Everything happens for a reason? I do not have to understand it and I likely would be unable even if I might like to understand.

Meaning of Life by Reuben Halsey
(Click title to view video)

Freedom in not knowing – accepting this had happened outside of myself or anyone. As a team, we did not accept this unwanted experience – and we suffered as a result. Here I am writing and remembering over 20 years later.

I forgive myself….

Now, I know nothing. I knew even less back then…10290702_765210363510900_6210705244111527040_n

Become a lover of what is and the war is over. Byron Katie

We do our best along the way.

Wrote May 12, 2012, One of my earliest stories.

June 5, 2014

Addendum:

I want to add that Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, CPR, does have its place. Being Angèle, I have a great story about that.

I live in a very nice neighborhood of Edmonton. It is not for everyone, but it is one that Realtors keep lists of people wanting to get in. Two blocks away from a large natural park by the river is the biggest asset for me. Thirty year old neighborhood now. Seems many other professionals feel the same way I do. Being a Doctor myself, I notice a large number of Physicians in the ‘hood.

A neighbor, unknown to most of us at the time of the incident, was jogging past my house years ago. Apparently, he was noted to be lying face down across the street from my house. It was a Family Physician and manrunningher daughter who were first to see him as they drove past. The Doctor was married to an Emergency Physician. The Emerg. Doc, an acquaintance a couple of years ahead of me in medical school, later recounted the panic call he received from his daughter, “Man down! Man down! Dad, come right away!” What is a Dad to do? So he was the Doc taking charge in the resuscitation. Somehow I am oblivious to the scene transpiring in front of my house until my mother-in-law was dropping in and mentions the commotion. I went over and saw a Plastic Surgeon, couple of Family Docs and the Emergency Doc all gathered around. Leave it to the ER, Emergency Room, Doctor to take the appropriate action. What are the chances? That gentleman dropped in a very well-equipped neighborhood. I caught up with the ER guy not long thereafter. He followed up and confirmed that the gentleman survived his heart attack without significant incident. He was a resident of my very street and lives on. Happy ending…

June 17, 2014  P.S. – I laugh at the idea that I resisted writing this piece.  When I read it recently, I wondered about just throwing it out.  Kind of boring.  Goes to show how repressed I started out.  Interesting.  We can only start at the beginning.  Historical relevance.  I have been busy.  This one is short so quick to publish.

September 26, 2020
I want to include a prominent example of how powerful the Ho’oponopono Prayer is. The True Story of How One Man Healed Insane Patients by Working on Himself – Ho’oponopono.
There is a 10 minute video embedded within the article where Dr. Hew Len is interviewed.
I have come to understand Consciousness and Reality in a much broader way since writing this story May 2012.
In the era of “corona protein message”, it feels pragmatic to ask 2 fundamental questions:
What is Reality?
What is a Human Being?
We are all entangled in a sense, much more than we have been entrained to appreciate.
When you shame or blame another, it powerfully creates much disharmony. What we judge in others, it impacts us more than we know. Until we know, at some level. To transcend judgment is a worthy endeavor.
A big one in the year 2020 is the entrainment towards control and authority over others. Narcissism exists within each of us to greater and lesser degrees. We hold each other hostage in a way with our unresolved trauma held deeply in our subconscious mind.
The Police State … of mind is clearly evident. Optimal? I declare no.
I will not elaborate too much more but will state: We live in a narcissistist’s playground, in a way, until we resolve the narcissism that exists within us.

The 4 sentences repeated – could be as often as 1000 times per day – have an extremely beneficial impact on you, the one stating, but also everyone as we are interconnected in subtle ways.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I thank you.
I love you.

Ho’oponopono Mantra – 108 Repetitions for Deep Healing
Click title to hear a elegantly produced 12 minute video where Sandra Rolus speaks the mantra with accompanying music and visuals.

Feelings. Nothing More Than Feelings.

/

Remember that old song? As I was looking for a cool cover, I found something even better:

Sesame Street: Dave Matthews and Grover sing about feelings.1960012_588980451192927_1557988378_n

The combination of Dave Matthews, Grover and a banjo is pretty magical…and the fact that I am looking for a song to backup this story. Another example of the banjo’s amazing versatility. If you do not know, I have a passion for the banjo – both listening and playing a 5 String Banjo myself.

 

March is the time of year in Canada when all the amateur hockey players are in the playoffs. It is highly anticipated around these parts. I have two sons who play hockey: one is 9 years old at the Atom level and the other is 13 years old Bantam. 1525735_563118913778529_1639532195_nThe buildup heading into these games differentiates from the regular season play. I enjoy watching hockey games when I can. I do not attend them all but near playoff time, I usually do not miss. This year I am booked otherwise and will miss some. Enjoy what I can. The schedule finds me unable to attend the early Bantam games but the first two Atom games are on the calendar.

 

The first game started out strong. I saw that the two crackartteams looked well matched. Jean-Luc’s team was playing at a heightened level that I was not familiar with. I was wondering how long they could keep up that level of play. Midway through the first period, they were scored against. Down 1-0. Shortly thereafter, an easy shot slid into the net right off of the face-off. Made it 2-0. Not at all typical: a lame goal by anyone’s standards. It was here that the gentle and gradual deflation of the team begins. By the end of the game it was 6-0. Big disappointment for the boys … and the parents. Sometimes it seems the parents are more troubled by the losses than the kids. This game, I did not notice the parent’s reaction too much. I had completely forgotten about the game once it was complete. My parenting partner was helping JL out in the dressing room so I joined in late. He was coming home to my1965012_1436448943275110_2806681850366076580_n house. I entered the dressing room to see Jean-Luc untying his skates. He was nearly ready. Then it became apparent that he was gently weeping – trying to keep a low profile by bending over his skates. By chance, his Dad and one of the coaches noticed at the same time. The two men were instantly coming to the aid of the young downhearted player. I was not moved to do anything but observe. His Dad went over and held JL’s shoulders, touched his hair a little. He is a loving father. I am so thankful. The coach, very sincerely, stated that “there are a lot of things to cry about in this world…and hockey is not one of them.” I saw this as a choicepoint. I quite strongly disagreed with the coach’s statement. But…I know his intention was good. I decided to say nothing. I could discuss it in the car ride home later.

 

I did not wait long before I asked what JL thought of his coach’s statement about crying. I gave good pause…no answer. I went on to explain, gently, that I disagreed with his opinion. I did not 10299968_741426315878311_89666051711170247_nthink there was anything wrong with crying about hockey. I believe that crying is purely a signal of strong emotion. It is important to feel the emotions that come up. They do not last all that long when you just feel them and let them flow through. Pema Chodron the Buddhist nun states that no emotion felt fully can last longer than 90 seconds. My experience has proven this to be true. Jean-Luc did not say too much but I felt a better mother for adding in these thoughts. I did not say but now add, judging another’s feelings is more about the judge than the judged. It does not seem good human practice in my opinion to tell someone what they do or do not feel. When feelings are denied, they linger in the body energetically. They find ways to show themselves down the line. My hypothesis, shared by many, is that illnesses are born from these repressed feelings.

 

Just when I thought the experience was done, I received a text the next morning from JL’s dad. He wondered how JL was doing. He was worried about him. I informed him that he was fine. Once he let Worry Misuse Iimaginationthe emotion run through him, it was all done.

P.S. – An alternative to worrying: Think about the person in question, picture their face and think about how much you love them. Say or think I love you. Repeat for 1-5 minutes. This goodwill will be on tap for the person when they are ready to receive it. It was Matt Kahn who advised, on a group phone call, this alternate practice in the setting of a mother worrying about her son who has Bipolar Disorder. I recognized the wisdom in this advice. Worry carries an energy. When you worry about someone’s condition, it actually, energetically, maintains the person in their condition. Possibly you are worrying about them deteriorating – sending energy their way to this result. 485396_613541768657356_889801686_nSending “I love you’s” gives the opportunity for transformation. It is vibrating at a different energy frequency. I throw it out there as food for thought. I have adopted it. Love it!!

 

Wrote March 12, 2014

 

April 18, 2014

Addendum:

 

Heartmath Article: The Energetic Heart is Unfolding. I admire Heartmath as an organization helping us translate what was once considered magic in scientific terms. The electromagnetic field generated by the heart is 60 times more powerful than the field generated by the brain. They discuss in the article how one person influences another just being nearby and more powerfully when two people touch. Huge implications in healing modalities. Cannot help but think back to my time as in inpatient in a psychiatric facility. I craved hugs and touch more1798647_287082514785390_8728581083414093160_n than anything else. I write about it in the story, “They Would Rather Give Me Ativan Than a Hug”. Will publish soon. Wow… is all I can say.

 

Want to add this nice little 10 minute video from Teal Swan “False Self vs. Real Self”.

The inability to establish real intimacy is at the root of all relationship problems that we have today, including the relationship we have with ourselves.  Intimacy is knowing and being known for who we really are in all aspects of our lives.  A relationship is two people being received, accepted and loved for who they really are without needing to fix each other. … None of us really knows who we are.  Most of us have no idea of who we really are because we have been shamed out of our true selves as children growing up in dysfunctional families in a dysfunctional human society.  In order to adapt to our families and society, we have created false selves.  False selves that are so good at what they do, 10366180_750761294943948_8453926375884127741_neven we have mistaken them for ourselves.

She goes on to discuss our emotional guidance system and how society believes that if we each follow ours, it would be chaos.  Many societal mantras steering us clear of our own emotional guidance system…aka our own wisdom and feelings.  Really like this short talk.  I would have benefited from hearing it a couple of decades ago…

Fly Away by Sugarland.  Found this home video of a guy flying his model plane being tossed in the wind.  Good metaphor for life.

 

I recently heard it said that the reason we love movies so much is that in our regular lives we are encouraged to repress our emotions. By going to the movies, we feel emotion. We love it! Makes us feel alive. Virtual feelings.  The real ones are always there too.  No cost.  Feel it!

As usual, easier said than done.

Freedom 45

/

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.
– Albert Camus

For as long as I can remember, OK maybe it was my late 20’s, I got hooked to the dream of Freedom10154680_639573982783253_1442649129_n 45. There was an advertising campaign for a financial company that promised Freedom 55 on television commercials. “Work with us and you can be financially free by 55 years of age”. Ooooo…a full decade before the commonly held expectation of 65 years. I had been working for three years as a Family Doctor at this point. I had quickly retired my Student Loan with my first locum, two months long, in Lacombe, Alberta.

 

Digression alert! I thought I worked hard as a training Doctor. That first week in practice was a real eye opener. I think I was disturbed every night for the first four nights. In training, we were usually on call one in every three nights. Can be a little grueling to say the least. With this locum, work for other doctors while they take a much needed vacation, they were even calling me the night before I officially started! July 1 is Canada Day – a holiday- so I was due to start July 2. Well the first Doctor that I happened to be covering for was the largest volume Obstetrics practice in town, the only woman. I get a call at 10PM July 1, 1992 and it is the hospital. Come in, there is a baby to be delivered. What? Are you kidding? Apparently they were not…

Maybe I watched too much Kids In The Hall but I was set a little off balance by this insistent need… for me…to be a Doctor…on my day off. A statutory holiday. How insulting!

 

Country Doctor by The Kids In The Hall

 

Next night: come in, one of the doctors needs your help resuscitating the baby he is about to deliver. Really?

404218_358127064217995_251447326_nNext night: I am officially on call. Emergencies R Us.

Next day: I am in the Operating Room doing a D & C, don’t concern yourself with the technical stuff, working around the office. Was ending the day at 8 PM those first weeks. I was seeing 30 patients a day which I rarely did past my first three months of practice. Who knows what that means.

Next day: Forget details but another Dr. needed a hand. Or a baby to deliver or something…

 

By day three, I was experiencing every symptom of stress that I knew. Yikes! The other doctors were applauding my abilities. Freshly baked Doctor. I fondly recall that summer sewing up a large and complicated laceration on a man’s hand who lost a fight with a lawnmower. Others looked over my shoulder and recommended I send it out. No, this was my kind of case. The patient was preferring me to do it, begging me to do it. Saves him a trip to the city. OK! It was a long case but he came to show me his hand weeks later and it was Beautiful. He was as impressed as I was. The many patients who had their office appointments rescheduled may not have been as keen. We all have our glory. I took it as a good sign that they asked me to cover their holidays 1506581_734966056538137_895674725_nagain the next summer. I graciously declined…

 

OK – decision made. I will not become a Rural Doctor. That was easy…

 

I can be considered impulsive. When I make a decision, it is final.  Except when it is not. It is funny because after that first week, everything just completely settled down. It was almost as if the Universe did not want me to settle in small town Alberta as I was considering. I was dating my now parenting partner. He was just a Family Doctor, as it is often stated, at that time but was applying to Ophthalmology which would connect him to cities ever after. He did in fact enter the specialty training followed by a subspecialty fellowship – sidetrip to Minneapolis, Minnesota for a year where our first child was born.

 

Back to Freedom 45. The concept brought delight every time I would think of it. I loved to drop it into10001550_10152555675466019_6550273533894009285_n conversation with workaholic specialists. It would usually yield a cranky response. I found it entertaining. If they lived in a million dollar mansion, I would warmly suggest that they sell their house and they would be free. This suggestion was never well received to my mind. I would always discuss Freedom 45 with any Financial Advisors I worked with. It was a running joke. They would kind of chuckle and humor me. I loved teasing them with their advice. What if we do not receive an annual average return of whatever flavor they were selling that time? They could never really say too much. I did not take their projections as gospel truth, that is for sure. I made decisions that would enable me to be within reach of freedom – whatever that means.

 

As I approached the age of 45, I delighted even more in Freedom 45. I was in a marriage where there existed two very different points of view on most things. Hmmmm…. As much as I wanted to be free, why were we digging deeper and deeper roots into Edmonton? Opening a Surgical Centre: taking on a 1.3 million dollar business loan. It was at that time that I was captured by the idea of making dreams come true. This was my marriage 993498_652110551497103_1750498953_npartner’s dream. I was not going to prevent him from seeing it through. He was astute to note that until my Dad thought it was a good idea, I was hesitating. My Dad said, “Go for it!” and I was all in. Too funny. Then I did feel reluctant to leave the marriage with him holding the bag… of debt responsibility. There was one year left when we separated. Forecast was bright. We toasted together June 2012 when that bad boy was paid off. Loved leaving the marriage with the businesses in great shape. A decade long struggle to get onto the elite list of private contract holders with the Alberta Government -deep pockets- was the last official function I served in the companies. That was December 2011, six months post separation. When I commit, I commit. My last month of salary was January 2012. I declared myself officially retired January 31, 2012. I sometimes think to myself that my parenting partner is in the business of printing money. He is a gifted eye surgeon with an impeccable reputation. If you have cataract or corneal needs, he is your man.

 

My buddy had considered purchasing the building he was leasing, if only the owner would sell it.  I dug my heels in.  I did not support this business decision. I had strongly encouraged our selling our interest in a medium sized commercial building.  I was looking ahead.  That cash enabled my selling out.  It was not conscious at the outset but I recognized its brilliance later.  I found myself in a loveless, sexless marriage with a man who honestly admitted hemangivetime preferred being at work to being at home with his family.

 

Beth by Glee, Originally by KISS This song was posted on Facebook by a friend June 5, 2014. I listened. I cried. Then I chose to review this story. Ah, it goes right here. Amazing!

 

Yikes!  Over the years I went from best friend…to friend…to employee.  Not the subservient kind either.  I was known to talk back.  His style of running the business led to dramatic events – not my style. Human resources…messy business that. I started suggesting we sell the business. He fluctuated but could not leave his love…I do not/did not take it personally.  More accurate to say that my mind didn’t take it personally.  My heart was bruised. He deserved freedom to choose his own life just as I did. Neither of us loved ourselves in our marriage so we were not going to magically be able to love each other. He gave lipservice to committing to transformation.  For me, it became my #1 priority. It came to a point where I did not want his choices running my life anymore. I firmly made my decision. I wanted to sell out. I wanted to transform my marriage relationship into a parenting partnership in a two household family. Once my imagination 981018_696632947016356_2050233649_osaw my life in this new family setup, I could not shake my excitement at the prospect.

 

The heart has its reasons, which reason knows not. Blaise Pascal

 

I want to declare my financial freedom. Authenticity rules!! What I do with this freedom remained to be seen.

 

I believe that the words we choose, the labels, are important. Words have energy. They each carry their own vibratory level. When we choose words, let us find the highest most authentic we can. Of course, they do reflect how we feel. It is not good for our health to not honor our own feelings. When they are vibrating at a low 1484046_651911014850390_195911618_olevel, it impacts our health. We would be wise to search out the way to feel good. Follow your own excitement. How would we describe that? How would we label that? I think there is great power in not worrying about labeling things. But out in the real world when in discussion with people, topics come up. It helps us to connect with others to talk about things. Choice of words is a reflection of what is going on inside. Keep in mind that the fake it until you make it concept is real. I actually waffle back and forth on this one. Who knows? When shifting something in your life, it may feel fake at first but with repetition, it becomes real.

 

I do not know why but I could never say the “D” word, divorce. I still cannot. It feels like a low energy word. It is as big event as our conditioning creates. In my experience and conditioning, it 1479548_663547627001405_588229281_nis/was a very big event. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could put relationships in the light of authenticity? We all want freedom in our relationships to grow and evolve. Sometimes that will involve the relationship’s obsolescence.

 

I applaud myself in coining, as I had never before heard the terms, parenting partner and two household family. I always correct people when they ask about my Ex. Hate the term Ex when referring to a former marriage partner.

 

It is strangely ironic that my concept of Freedom – both financial and personal- rests in the success of the marriage partnership that I enjoyed. Businesses were successful. My role in that success was supportive at best. I was involved with financial bookkeeping, expenditure decisions along with 1184859_513195032101468_379821253_nadministrative insurance and legal details. As I reflect, I think my intuitive sense was my greatest contribution. …And my love of spreadsheets.

 

“There is no problem that a spreadsheet can’t solve.” Angèle Beaudoin

 

There is a little mathematician inside me.

I know how to handle money. Spend less than you earn – so simple.  The Simple Life has a lot to offer. Live below your means = more freedom. Avoid personal debt.  Business debt can be fun.  As long as it is a healthy business.  I did not see money as 10352942_731782580212232_7674654599315859452_nstatus just a mode to live freely.  My attitudes about money originate from two sets of grain farming grandparents.  You don’t spend money until the granaries are full , so to speak. Not every year’s crop can be sold at the price you choose and the time of your choosing.  My life has been pretty small scale in the world of wealth.  I determined early on that I would rather be a millionaire than look like one.  Somehow, there has always been more than enough money for my needs.

 

The Legal System supported my Freedom also. We avoided the court room for our domestic changes and undertook the Collaborative Family Process to settle our marriage administrative details.  I highly recommend this non-adversarial option for any and all your legal needs.10325799_727775110597313_6105593194940739980_n

Many people ask how can I be retired at my young age? One answer to that question could be “I married well”. I find myself using this answer most often. Sounds funny to me. It is short and concise but misleading also.  Hence, I chose to write a blog… where I don’t have to be concise – tee hee.

Our thoughts create our reality! Surprise, surprise! After thinking a thought for almost twenty years, it comes true. Imagine that…

 

So on the other hand, one might think “Why did I choose to limit myself to wait until I am 45 years old to be free?”. I have thought that myself now that I am more consciously aware. Somehow, my little 1485996_10151766140960825_1781358878_oinspiration kept returning to Freedom 45. I didn’t know any better. It was just outside my threshold of believability. Did I create this? Or did I just recognize/foresee the future? It was always destined to be. I have no idea. That good old freewill versus destiny again. Do you judge it? Does it count that I am free on the back of someone else’s hard work? I was actively involved in any and all major decisions. I never backed down in my marriage when decisions threatened freedom. Maybe the Universe/Source/God matched up two people who would be able to meet each other’s needs. I believe that is what happens in all interactions. Each has consciously or subconsciously determined that they desire an experience. The matched experience results. A man believes that working hard for his family was what he wanted to do. His Soul, likely not consciously, wanted him to experience a marriage:  beginning, middle and end. It is an opportunity for transformation.

 

To be honest, I did judge the ease of my situation initially. As we went through our process of settling financial details, it would have been very easy to not allow for the abundant result. I really do not value money all that much except as a vehicle of freedom and ease. I reject struggle. My parenting partner knows this of me and at times was surprised at how things were turning out in my favor, from his viewpoint.   Also that I was fine with it. I will never forget the foursome sitting at a table at one of many Collaborative Family Law meetings. It was my buddy and myself each with a lawyer. We four collaborated together…at $800 per hour in legal fees. That was the process. The lawyers sounded sincere when they once said we were one of their favorite cases.  I would be so bold as to say, “we had fun”! Love real and authentic communication.  Nothing better.  The four of us have had some delightful conversations: Each of us witty in our own way. One pertinent Bathtub of Moneysoundbite that I will never forget, “Fifteen and five would be a good day in court”. It was my buddy’s lawyer speaking in reference to how a judge might call it with regards to Child Support and Spousal Support. He was talking thousands of dollars…per month. My buddy slowly swiveled his chair to face his lawyer and said, “And you are my lawyer???” Not that the final number ended there but it gives you an idea of the scale. It was not far off.  My buddy finally did come out and say, “this is not fair”. “Angèle gets this much money and now has no incentive to work”. That was one way of looking at it. There was a hint of control there.  He would be more comfortable if I was working…in his paradigm.  Everyone in my life expected to see me return to Medical Practice.  Somehow I was to resurrect my knowledge from the crypts.  That is what divorced women do.  My plan was not to work, with or without consideration of a monthly payment.  I was smiling that day when I heard that fifteen and five would be a good day in court.  Truth is stranger than fiction.  I had tight assets.  I planned to live off of them.  I throw that in.  I saw a vehicle driving near my home displaying Tight Assets as the name of a mobile personal fitness training company.  So clever…

 

Rollercoaster Ride – 6 minute vimeo clip.  

 

He felt that this put a strain on him feeling that he had to work hard to maintain the agreement. I offered to him to do what was best for him. He will always have 10457965_641524359268534_3414945164826092009_nthe freedom to choose. The agreement would never be set in stone. It has built in flexibility. If he should choose to retire, fine. The agreement would reflect this. Certainly, I welcomed him to slow down his work. It would be oh, so good for his health. I reminded him that he chooses to feel the weight of it. It is always tied to the Tax Return & company year end returns – money that was actually earned. It does not move forward in time. It looks back. I do not decide fair or not fair. I decide that I will just go with the flow. My treasured Spiritual Advisor, strongly recommended this. Her arguments resonated clearly with me. I can always save some money aside to be given back in future should I choose. Yes, I like this idea. I did not have to decide right then. As I have a history with activist feelings against the status quo in all systems, I found great entertainment value to see how my situation was handled in the system. Letting the system deal routinely with my domestic affairs is a bigger story than deciding to take less.  I will be fine either way.  Nobody took any interest in my activist concerns…until now. Now the system is just wrong. If you can’t beat them, join them. Isn’t that what they say? I guess there is a theme that keeps coming out: I love to poke cheeky fun at all the systems. And it is Beautiful… This one is Epic.

 

Another little delightful idea that came out of it, and I tease my buddy, former husband, with it regularly is that someday, I tell him, “I will pay YOU Spousal Support”. Nothing would please me more than to pay him some great big sum of money, six figures at least, because one year I would earn more than he. I don’t think he takes it seriously but if it is like the old “Freedom 45” cheeky idea then I can see a day when I pay him some big coinage. I am tickled by the Spousal Support soundbite in just the same way as the Freedom 45 way back.  Same vibration to my dowsing rod. Our thoughts create our reality… Or maybe it is more my energetic vibration:  The playful, curious, nod/nod, wink/wink, not taking self too seriously attitude that leads to less than believable outcomes coming true.  Daily choices tend to line up with your vibration.  Time will tell…

 

I believe in Miracles.

 

I will figure out how. I know that I can. …And it is easy. One of my mantras.

Melody

So the big day came on October 1, 2011, when I actually turned 45 years old. I decided to celebrate with a unique experience. I was six months living in the two household family arrangement. Looking back, I was less stable than I wanted to believe at the time. But you can only be where you are. It was a time for healing and transforming. Well I got wind of a place to stay in a treehouse on Vancouver Island:  Free Spirit Spheres at Qualicum Beach, British Columbia . It was so awesome! The first night I stayed in Melody – wired for sound. Absolute bliss…

On my Birthday, I spent the day in Freedom 45nature which included a long walk. The highlight that day was walking over a train trestle. I am afraid of heights so it was a challenge. The space between the ties was just slightly smaller than my foot so really, I could not fall through. That didn’t stop the thrill of the experience. By the time I got to the middle, I kind of froze: a metaphor for my life I think. Now it was just as far to go back as to go forward. I had to go forward. I wanted to have the courage to walk through my fear of heights. I literally sensed a voice telling me,

 

“Don’t look back. Don’t look forward. Just look at your next step.”

 

That is exactly what I did and I made it across just fine – of course. The owner of the treehouses put it into perspective when he recounted his daily excursions over the train trellis… on a bike!  One woman’s fear is another man’s mundane.

It just drives home, what good is looking back or forward do? It is only the next best step that is relevant. I return to this concept over and over again these past years. I have dropped the writing of this collection of stories so many times because I felt like it is looking back. What good can come of it?

Then I remind myself that telling stories is fun. I like it. It is authentic for me. As long as everyone remembers that that is all this blog is: stories. Fiction or non-fiction, you be the 10308367_721240457917445_7126441235886056385_njudge. It is whatever you want it to be. I am not worried about how true or untrue the stories are. They are what they are. They are not what they are not. Take what, if anything, resonates and leave the rest.

 

I have concern for the privacy of anyone mentioned in my stories, this one in particular. I hate keeping secrets. It is with good intent that I choose to share my story.

 

So there… Kind of makes me feel like I am 7 years old again.

 

Addendum:

Fun Fact: My tax return for 2012 displayed a record high number for my entire career. Super healthy six digit number. Truth is stranger than fiction. Worked less, almost not at all. Earned the most ever. If you are in the collection of successful businesses you will know the mystery that occurs after your Accountant does the year end accounting. Very few of those pennies actually saw my hand. But the monks_roller_coaster-thumbGovernment of Canada is loving me right then. I usually whip out a wine glass and toast myself every year. I have not figured out the mysterious world I live in. But I count my blessings…

 

I have not even done my 2013 taxes yet. Over a month late now. It will be a record low… Yet, I lack nothing. Contrast is Beautiful. What a roller coaster ride!  Wonder what next year will bring?

 

Curious by Barenaked Ladies  

 

When it comes to money, I feel like a child. Are we having fun yet? A common question posed by my Dad. He has a way of lightening the mood…always.

 

February 28, 2014

Loved this little clip of Bashar on “How To Have Instant Manifestation & Avoid Processes”

 10307392_736138659760958_8763959111390148146_n

 (love the part from 3:45 – 5:40)

Bottom line in his message is that the only thing preventing you from “instant manifestation” is your belief systems in place that do not believe it is possible. Bring awareness about your belief systems and truly let them go. Manifestation can come instantly or at least a lot quicker. We all have a “threshold of believability”. Understand your threshold and move toward awareness and then mastery. The beauty of it…your threshold is your choice. Choose wisely…

 

I chose Freedom 45. I guess that was my threshold of believability. At the onset of the idea, it felt just beyond my fingertips. I read a lot of stories about early retirement in a Canadian Magazine which 1969333_10152257313953293_1164311173_nfueled the fire. Most of the stories were about extremely simple living. Somehow I get to have my cake, and eat it too. Awesome!!

 

How To Manifest Money by Teal Swan

 

Teal Swan (formerly Scott) influenced my beliefs around receiving abundance. I accept and embrace the abundance I enjoy. I do not judge it anymore. I believe everything happens for a reason. Nobody is suffering in my two household family…unless they choose it. Each individual must take responsibility for their own feelings. I would not in a million years have imagined my current situation.Mona Lisa I just generally had a good time with the Freedom 45 concept. It framed many decisions over the years. It did not drop out of the sky completely. I was in there somewhere.

 

My favorite of the specific teachings from Teal Swan’s Core Teachings list:

 

1. Evolution of self and of all that is, is the inevitable byproduct of living. My addition: aka you don’t have to do anything…except follow your heart’s excitement- also known as be yourself.

 

1555278_737110032967195_1153439330_n2. There is no limit to what you can do, be or have.

 

3. There are two types of truth in this universe: Objective, universal, Truth and Subjective, individual, Truth.

 

4. Freedom is a universal truth of both physical and nonphysical.1234829_512795498820755_8405083563774222557_n

 

5. Free will and destiny are peacefully coexisting truths of life.

 

6. Love is the basis for all physical and non-physical being.

 

October 2014

The Law of Detachment by Deepak Chopra
This law says that in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. This doesn’t mean you give up the intention to create your desire. You give up your attachment to the result. This is a very powerful thing to do. The moment you relinquish your attachment to the result, combining one-pointed intention with detachment at the same time, you will have that which you desire. 10533446_788843391138494_7601689870734697601_nAnything you want can be acquired through detachment, because detachment is based on the unquestioning belief in the power of your true Self. Attachment comes from poverty consciousness, because attachment is always to symbols. Detachment is synonymous with wealth consciousness, because with detachment there is freedom to create. True wealth consciousness is the ability to have anything you want, anytime you want, and with least effort. To be grounded in this experience you have to be grounded in the wisdom of uncertainty. In this uncertainty you will find the freedom to create anything you want.

 

The Infinity Prayer

/

I experienced my first Sweat Lodge on March 30, 2014 just outside Edmonton. The Elders who led it, both a man and a woman are required, were from the Cree Nation. A friend has been training in the tradition so my interest was captured almost two years ago. I met the male elder days before at a political event. This prompted my personal invitation to participate in the Sweat.Full Moon

The Lodge and its land is considered sacred. I wore a skirt over my jeans to honor tradition once setting foot on the land. Clothing that left minimal skin uncovered was required during the sweat portion – a skirt and long sleeved T shirt. The men wore swimming trunks.

The Sweat Lodge is a Shamanic tradition of prayer. Combined intentions to connect to our highest versions of our Self or God, Creator, Universal Source Energy…or any name that fits your beliefs and traditions best. The physical discomfort in the body can aid one to Let Go of the mind’s grasp for a short span of time. This will allow higher truths to come into your awareness. I just let these words flow off my fingers just now. I have never been told this but I share my perception of what a Sweat Lodge ceremony is. Brought back fond memories of a little two man Sauna my family had in our basement 603072_454210514607563_438724119_ngrowing up. It was our belief that we would benefit from a good Sweat when we were feeling down or under the weather. Loved that little Sauna. I am now inspired to get one again: add to the wish list. I will look into getting one installed in my basement. My present perception is that I benefit both physically and spiritually from a good Sweat. Several Northern European cultures – Swedish? – have the Sauna tradition. We had a few special sticks that you could beat your back with while you sweat. I thought they were from this Northern European tradition. Notice how I did not look it up. I have a stubborn streak that wants to keep my writing as stories as much as possible. No notations required. Ha ha. But please, look it up if you are inspired.

Two clear messages came through during my first Sweat Ceremony that I will share.

Breath is Power. This came through clearly both as advice for enduring the high heat of the hot stones/steam in the Sweat Lodge as well as Life in general. Sounds so simple but the deepest Truth usually is in my experience. Even though I know this on some level, the experience of being reminded during this sacred ceremony integrates it deeper within my Self. Such is life. We are constantly reminded of what we already know.

Remember to Breathe – Travel Alberta Canada

1017762_10152440565614750_430914953692239034_nThen we can marvel at how simple it is and why do we need reminding all the time. I don’t know the answer to that but seems it is the human condition. Press the “Easy Button” now.

 

I believe that energetically we are all evolving. I have been feeling this in a real, physical way. Deep, mindful breathing allows the energetic shifts to occur very gracefully. I add this on May 12, 2014. I have used the mindful breathing a lot this past month. Amazing how the right message came at just the time I needed it. An example of Abundance: You will receive what you need, when you need it. So simple.

We were asked to share a prayer with the group, each in turn, that accompanied our gifts of cloth and/or tobacco. The one that came to me was driven home in my Sweat Lodge experience as,534380_232857030238896_866817719_n

The Infinity Prayer
I pray for clarity in my connection to Spirit/God/Highest Self.
I want to be truly helpful…
I pray for clarity of my gifts so that I can give them away in service.

Remember when, as a kid, you would imagine what wish you could wish for if you rubbed a lamp and a genie appeared to grant you three wishes? You would ask for an infinite number of wishes, right?
10292288_482337821893850_1744131540108260380_nIt is my thinking that the Infinity Prayer is kind of like that. If you are connected to your highest Self, then goodbye Self Doubt. You would understand and know what to do for your highest evolution of your Soul at all times. Add June 5, 2014: I am feeling it…

I looked twice at the idea of giving away gifts. Would that leave me wanting in the money and stuff department? My thinking is no. Money is just energy. When you flow energy through you effectively, you can be sure you will be fully supported and looked after by the Universe – for lack of a better word.

That is all I have to say about that.

Addendum:

I am so inspired by a threesome of men involved in the development of Spirit of Edmonton. Two of those men were in the sweat lodge with me that first time.  Part of that project involves building the first ever Sweat Lodge within Edmonton’s city limits. A site on Fox Farm has been secured. The Lodge will be called Kihciy Askiy.  A short bike ride from my home and the site of the sacred white mud.  Edmonton’s freeway is called Whitemud Drive.

Spirit of Edmonton:  the greatest story never told…

 

Mostly written April 6, 2014

The Ties That Bind

/

Ties That Bindrectangle

Maybe better title to this story is “The Energetic Ties That Bind”.

 

Subtitle: Crash Course on Energy in our Holistic Wellness.

 

I want to share a variety of views of how we have capabilities outside of our five physical senses.  To tune into our full capability will enhance us and in turn the world around us.  I see so much of the world photofocusing outside of themselves when I strongly believe, most people are doing it backwards.  You must start at the level of the individual.

 

The summer of 2011. It was the start of a journey that continues to this day. My parenting partner had moved out of the shared home April 2011. Truth is stranger than fiction because is was December 2009 when I informed him, “I want a divorce”. He had requested a year to give it one last try.

 

What is a day, a week, a month, a year in the grand scheme of things?

 

I believe every relationship can be transformed so giving this request fit into my belief system. By September 2010, September 16 to be precise, I was sure. The marriage was a no-go. I move into the1606986_641704242578361_8644721753995091943_n basement guest room, for only one night as he was adamant that it should be him in the basement. Ok. Whatever. Was a tough stretch those last seven months sharing a home but not a marriage. I would not recommend it. Playing the banjo, started January 2010,maintained my sanity. I took lessons and practiced a lot during those months. Fun coping strategy! 

 

You Are My Sunshine by Yours Truly  Don’t worry.  I do not break out into vocals or anything.

 

So once our living arrangements were a more authentic reflection of our relationship, I reveled in the new-found freedom. A fresh start.  What did I want to do with my time? I was seeking truth. I studied Philosophers. One of my favorite quotes:

 

The heart has its reasons, which reason knows not. Blaise Pascal

 

Summarized my marriage ending in a nutshell. It always surprised me that everyone seemed to need to understand what happened. You know I have a longer version but I do not like to tell a story unless 10251986_10152372221176138_1859141054113362480_nI believe it serves the highest good. It did not take me too long to realize, “too bad, you don’t need to know”. I remember when I had that same urge each time I heard of a marriage ending. It was because we all want to know how to protect our own marriages. Especially if you hold the idea that marriage is for life. We become a little hypervigilant when we see others choosing to ignore our B.S. – Belief System. I now realize that I do not have to answer every question posed. I felt it quite obtrusive when I first separated from my marriage partner. Live and let live.

 

Hanging out on those philosophy websites, one runs into other websites hoping to educate you on deep spiritual and metaphysical matters. I got connected to an Energy Intuitive named Christie Marie Sheldon. She recommended a book called “Power Versus Force”. I loved that book!  Still do. I was so excited after reading it that I bought four additional copies to give out. Yes, I was one of those. Ha ha. Not anymore. I understand now that we all have our journeys, each going in the perfect direction for us. I no longer have the same drive to push stuff on people but try to respond if there seems a resonance. I even gave one to my Psychiatrist. A copy that a friend had returned. It did nothing for her. OK, Not her journey. Absolutely fine.  My Acupuncturist admitted that the book was too left brain for her. I continue to refer to the Scale Of Consciousness. I want to share its bare bones here.

 1150161_730385563648782_443622160_n

Level Log
   
Enlightenment 700-1000
Peace 600
Joy 540
Love 500
Reason 400
Acceptance 350
Willingness 310
Neutrality 250
Courage 200
Pride 175
Anger 150
Desire 125
Fear 100
Grief 75
Apathy 50
Guilt 30
Shame 20

 

I resonated strongly with the book’s information.  1012141_720864227935594_56569688_nThe more we understand our differences, the better we will cope with them.  Solutions to conflict will be within easier grasp.

 

I think to my own experiences of mania. My hypothesis is that it is Joy, vibrating at 540. Freaks out the people vibrating at lower levels.  Many professionals are vibrating at 300-499 but working in systems that were developed long 10320590_773084999390103_3920247730225227975_nago when the collective vibration was lower. They know things are not optimal but make the best of it. Beautiful people we are. David Hawkins mentions in his book that 499 is a ceiling for prior generations.  Enlightened exceptions do dot the history books.  Jesus Christ, ever heard of him?  Mother Theresa?  Dalai Lama?  I don’t really know.  Just guessing.  Einstein is felt to have been vibrating at 499 along with many other great minds. To break through that ceiling, keep in mind this is a logarithmic scale, and hit 500 requires some shifting and letting go that is not for the fainthearted. The logical mind will never let you go there. You have to lose your mind to get there. Aka go crazy. I include this fun little clip I ran into weeks ago. 554733_441449539276018_622027030_nIt is PewDie Pie, the most subscribed You Tube Channel host with 26 million subscribers, doing his Victory Dance on a ten minute loop. To me this is the quickest analogy to where we find ourselves in all major systems on this planet right now. We are stuck in a loop in most of our systems. Not recognizing this important puzzle piece of energy and energetic vibration, we may never find the solution to get out of the loop.

 

As shared in my story, “It’s All Fun and Games”, my reflection upon the experience of being injected with Haldol saw that the caregivers feared me. Yet I was nothing to fear.  Why could they not see 486691_500823879929146_211312017_nthat?  The Mental Health System does not know how to stratify their patients. I was vibrating with joy and they were treating me as if I was vibrating at 150 in Anger.  A wave of anger had flowed through me but was no longer present after my therapeutic rant. I was lost in translation because they did not know how to assess me.  Outside of their paradigm.  Remedy:  unlearn, open your mind, educate and understand with this new variable:  energetic vibration.  System would benefit from Energy Intuitives as part of the team.

 

Back to Christie Marie Sheldon of loveorabove.com. She developed what she calls a Spiritual Toolkit. Her material resonated with me so I lightheartedly played around. Once I heard about the concept of energetic cords connecting people, I was convinced an energetic cord ran from the back of my neck to my parenting partner’s neck. Her advice: cut the cord. OK.

Ascended Relationships website author, Gustavo Castener describes cords of attachment as energy structures between two people that cause patterns from the past to continue to the present moment.

Not too ceremoniously, I just proceeded to cut the cord. No hesitation. If something feels or sounds right, I 947158_569151756440174_105705387_ntrust that. I followed her guided step by step instructions. The main idea is that we all have the power. We just focus our intention, use our imagination and viola!

Christie asked what instrument we would imagine being required. I fantastically saw a large saber shaped sword with a glowing light blade:  Star wars meets Aladdin. I dramatically hacked the cord. That sounds kind of violent doesn’t it? I was determined but not really violent. I was instructed to follow the cord and heal it up at its insertion with the other person. I discovered within one day that my buddy was suffering with extreme neck pain, sounded neurological, that kept him awake the same night as my ceremony. Likely my healing was not done effectively.  You think?  My Spiritual Advisor/Therapist wondered if I could have asked permission first.  She said likely I would have received permission from his higher self but it might have taken a few times requesting. I am not sure I would have taken no for an answer, but it was sound advice. My buddy’s neck pain onset was a strange coincidence. He had no prior neck problems. No sporting or physical causes. He expressed worry out loud that maybe he was having a heart attack. I asked him, “really?” – 1479359_10152102121933293_2073970155_nseemed unlikely to me. I waited a few days. It was not settling. I very simply told him about my cutting of the energetic cord. It seemed no coincidence. He did not say too much. He ended up ordering himself an emergency MRI – which of course did not show any significant problems.  Somehow it was done the next day. So crazy. Most people in our health system would wait weeks to months for even an urgent MRI. I shared this story with Christie when I met her at a conference November 2011. She was tickled to hear feedback about her teachings.

 

One of my closest friends, Jody is also an Energetic Intuitive. I have done a handful of sessions with her addressing specific concerns since we met in September 2012.  I cut another cord from my parenting partner with Jody’s help long after my solo adventure. It was attached just left of the solar plexus area. Seemed without incident this time although I was not forthright with my buddy so who knows.

 

In early May 2014, Jody just notes in conversation that there is another cord to my buddy showing up again. There were three of us together, members of the divorcėe club. We had each continued to cut cords when they came into our awareness to complete the Energetic Divorce often not dealt with in the traditional divorce routine. We are all learning as we go. Unsure how many times this will 1010869_843997442296971_1088534394819406309_nbe needed. So Jody and I find a quiet moment. I ask for her help to cut the cord again. As we experience it together we note that we are in instant synchronization, unlike the first time she helped me with a cord. We were both sensing the cords in the same place at the same time. It ended up that four cords were cut that afternoon. One was from the top of my head, left, going to my mom. There was another from my buddy intertwined with one to Norwegian friend #1 coming out of my yoni. I just love saying that word. It is my attempt to use a polite word for Va J J, Oprah Winfrey’s favorite euphemism. I could also choose to say base Chakra. Not expecting Mr. Europe to turn up down there! The forth was coming out of my solar plexus or third Chakra and connecting to Mr. Norway. I figured those cords were not all that functional. If they are meant to be, they will reform with greater harmony. I was open to freedom in the Mr. Norway department. Let it be what it is.

 

Apocalyptica sings Not Strong Enough

 

It is my experience that things are not always what they seem. We do not always understand what holds us back, but it should not stop us from opening our mind to the possibilities. I do not have detailed, conceptual explanations for the energetic ties that bind.  I hope my story can allow you to consider what energetic ties might be binding you. If you do not feel good. It could be the sign that there is something needing to be dealt with. You do not have to understand all the details to deal with it either. Just your intention to release that which does not serve you. Follow your intuitive guidance,  heart’s wisdom, when presented with an idea.  It can show up as excitement.  Understanding is optional in my opinion. Who cares if you do not understand. 10254005_10152012309496296_8426184910956017782_nWhat is important is that you find a way to feel good. The requirement of conceptual understanding can hold you back from your joy and bliss. You can quote me on that… I speak from experience. My experience. I know you will need to speak from your own experience. Get to it!!

 

Cannot help but smile to myself. My book about nothing. I. Know. Nothing.

….And I am OK with it.  I know what I know when I need to know it:  the definition of abundance.  You may have to let that concept percolate a little bit.

Addendum:

 

Water Consciousness:  Dr. Masuro Emoto’s Study of Water (8 minutes).  I remember being blown away by this years ago.  When a feeling word was taped to a water bottle filled with water, they looked at a drop just as it was crystallizing into ice.  The design differs and is reproducible with varied emotions.  The positive ones are beautiful. This strikes me as a scientific portayal of the energy frequency of a thoughtform or emotion. Also shows how well water transmits energy.  We are essentially bags of water.  Our thoughts and the thoughtforms we are exposed to will influence our physical cells as a result.

 

547086_399911856730356_606981168_n

The only way to answer the question, “what is love” is by taking the time to love what is. Matt Kahn

 

Christie Marie Sheldon, an Energy Intuitive, How To Change Your Frequency

 

I find this 30 minute talk Christie gave in 2010 a nice little introduction to Energy Intuitive work.  She also gives individual advice how to tap into your own intuitive knowing more powerfully.  One of my closest friends, Jody as mentioned previously, shares similar gifts here in Edmonton.  She is a jewel.  I can hook you up.  She is phenomenal!  I do believe we all have this potential to some extent but maybe a little boost is helpful while we align to our fullest potential.  Another hypothesis is that there is a subgroup of people with these gifts that can serve the whole as required.  Or something in between.  Let’s find out!

Russell Brand: Awakened Man, 11 minutes

 

914108_525835070806985_268811555_o

Trey Ratcliff. Floralis Genérica, Buenos Aires.

…(living life) through the five senses is delineated, keeping us trapped in a material plane. We think reality is what we can apportion through the limited instrument of the (five) senses. But reality is, of course, far beyond that. …We don’t have the correct instruments to receive it so we live primarily in the realm of the (five) senses.

 

Anything we are describing through science, we describe it through the prism of the five limited senses.

 

…Daily access to unseen realms of power. Everyone has that, not just me.

Comedians, in my opinion, are fantastic at observing and reflecting back to us the glorious messiness that is a human being.  Russell Brand has gained a lot of respect for his observations of consciousness.  Completely outside of this story/compilation is a link to Russell Brand’s Messiah Complex show, 1 hour 40 minutes, if you are looking for entertainment.    

Graham Hancock 10 minute video titled, Shamanism, Aliens & Ayahuasca

Really great choice of words to discuss “supernatural”.

Detect other dimensional experiences based on energetic vibration when in altered states of consciousness. 2% of people are able to detect these alternate dimensions without aid. Aids could be sacred plants, music, rhythmic dance, certain sites (electromagnetic energy), etc.

 

Shamans believe that the supernatural realms are intertwined with our present reality at all times whether we are consciously aware of it or not. Western society diminish the supernatural, deride it, because we cannot see it, measure it or weigh it.

 

“The essence of Shamanism is experience and practice. It isn’t centuries of so-called knowledge or received wisdom handed down from generation to generation. It isn’t a body of texts. It isn’t a body of teachings. It’s actual direct experience of the supernatural realm attained in deliberately 10369195_10152022904301296_1883109722407848950_ninduced altered states of consciousness. The Shaman is not a victim. The Shaman is not like somebody “possessed” by a spirit from the other world. On the contrary, the Shaman is an active player entering the other realm, negotiating and dealing directly with the spirit beings there for the benefit of humanity. In their own cultures, these men and women are primarily healers. That is their predominant role. Very few of them go bad: use the powers that they gain by entering the supernatural realm for evil purposes. You can call those sorcerers.

 

The vast majority, if we take the case of the Amazon, are curaderos/healers. Their life is very dedicated to their community.”

 

 Facebook Post June 4, 2014.  It is a little long but conceptualizes how important and powerful energy is in our face to face interactions.

 

I end with a collection of quotes from David R. Hawkins, the author of Power Vs. Force.

 

“All judgment reveals itself to be self-judgment in the end, and when this is understood a larger comprehension of the nature of life takes its place.”

 

“Thus, if we take responsibility for being the author of our world, we come close to its source where we can correct it.”

 

“At some point, the illusion breaks down and the opening for the start of the spiritual quest commences. The quest turns from without to within and the search for answers begins.”

 

“At first, spiritual purification seems difficult, but eventually, it becomes natural. To consistently choose love, peace, or forgiveness leads one out of the house of mirrors. The joy of God is so exquisite that any sacrifice is worth the effort and seeming pain.”

 

“The human mind is incapable of discerning truth from falsehood.”

 

“Every thought, action, decision or feeling creates an eddy in the interlocking, interbalancing, ever-moving energy fields of life, leaving a permanent record for all of time. This realization can be 1236480_566507600065816_921811715_nintimidating when it first dawns on us, but it becomes a springboard for rapid evolution.”

 

“Simple kindness to one’s self and all that lives is the most powerful transformational force of all.”

 

“At every instant, one is really making a choice between heaven or hell. The cumulative effect of all these choices determines the calibrated level of consciousness and one’s karmic and spiritual fate.”

 

“Love is misunderstood to be an emotion; actually, it is a state of 643884_4891569377323_706447450_nawareness, a way of being in the world, a way of seeing oneself and others.”

 

“Everybody is like a magnet. You attract to yourself reflections of that which you are. If you’re friendly then everybody else seems to be friendly too.”

 

“Make a gift of your life and lift all mankind by being kind, considerate, forgiving, and compassionate at all times, in all places, and under all conditions, with everyone as well as yourself. This is the greatest gift anyone can give.”

 

Started long ago, major additions after May 26, 2014

 

July 26, 2014

 

Late add:  How To Remove Attachments to Past Relationships.  Another description of the Energetic Ties that Bind.

 

 

Sharing My Crazy

/

Have you ever been to the 5th Dimension? …Well I have. I am not kidding.

Nonconformity and the Creative Life by Jason Silva, Shots of Awe.

Reality is just a word.  You are not supposed to use it without quotation marks around it anyway Joseph Campbell said. 1622227_669208713115436_1212033034189756296_n

[Click purple title to view a short 2 minute video]

I had my first and most prominent 5D experience in October 2012.  Somehow it has taken me this long to capture this in writing. The initial experience horrified me at the onset. As I look back, there was a grieving process that took place. I grieved my sanity. I grieved the label of my diagnosis. I took on the idea that insanity was what Western Medicine thought it was. I was highly educated aka brainwashed. I went to University, including Medical School, to help shape my worldview. I took on the opinion of the collective consciousness. Slowly, I have come to change my mind about it. I decided not to let other people’s perception of my condition dictate my experience. My perception 10151232_770432372968294_532595937170053749_ndoes not match anyway. How crazy is it for me to doubt my own direct experience? Now I embrace my official loss of my sanity. I love to declare, “I’m crazy…and it’s official!” I say it lightly, as a joke. The funniest jokes have their roots in some version of reality. I love to see people’s reaction to that one. I now think of my crazy as one of the most exciting things that ever happened to me. Just the 180 degree turn on my opinion of the experience is an experience all by itself. We always have a choice in how we respond to our life. Over time, I made a new choice. Feels great.

I feel like I want to paint a picture of what lead to the time where I experienced 5th Dimension. It could also be termed a dissertation of what I believe as a result but bear with me…

My interest in Spiritual Ascension, could also be termed human consciousness, led me to read various things, watch You Tube videos, discuss with friends the various topics relating to what is possible for human consciousness in our highest form. The word Spiritual conjures varied meanings for everyone I imagine. For me, Spiritual means a direct relationship to a higher power. I am not concerned about the title of the higher power. I call it God or Self. It could be called the Universe, Source Energy or any one of the ascended masters – Buddha, Muhammed, Jesus Christ etc. I believe we are all talking about the same oneness and calling it by different names. I do not believe in Religion as I see man-made structures have taken us further from the true Source. The good books have been lost in translation over the centuries. Just as in healing, in Spirituality our own involvement as the leader in our spiritual life gives a higher potential for firsthand experience. Experiential learning. When one has a first hand experience, it is the most powerful teacher. The concept of Now, as made popular by Eckhart Tolle, contains experience. Books and knowledge can 1530466_10152190229218685_1525699973_nopen our minds, or close them…be careful what you let in, but our own experience teaches us…if we let it. My sense is that we doubt ourselves a lot. Maybe we misinterpret things too. Certainly I did and still do. I am retraining my mind to doubt less and less. But also to not assume I know something, if I don’t. What do we really know for certain? There are numerous examples in Medical History where over time, well known facts needed to be discarded as new information became available. A quote that has always had a big impact on me is from Josh Billings:

It is not what you don’t know that will hurt you but what you do know that ain’t so.

Huge. This quote woke something in me many years ago. It just resonated with me and egged me on in my search for truth. I have kind of given up on the idea that there is one fundamental truth. The Beautiful Truth for me is that we have choice and power when it 1470024_706100349401497_548610987_ncomes to truth. That is how powerful we are.

“Freedom in not knowing.”

“Embrace uncertainty.”

These are 2 mantras I have adopted that I feel serve me well.

In Medical School, we were taught to admit when we don’t know. “I don’t know.”

Powerful words. That was one of the best lessons coming from my Physician Education. I cannot count the number of times I earned, seemingly easily, a patient’s respect by admitting that I do not know. The patient intuitively suspects that you don’t know but are surprised when you openly admit10152548_754294011277757_1238344155856549649_n it. Authenticity and transparency are so important for any human being…

As a society, we are addicted to “knowing”. That was at the root of some of my dissatisfaction with my work as a Family Doctor. Patients, or maybe it was just my beliefs that I projected to my patients, were not capable of not knowing what created the symptom that they experienced. Often we allowed ourselves to be led into testing and Xrays spending healthcare dollars and still left with “I don’t know”.

My exploration into becoming a self-actualized human being, not there yet, led me to meditate regularly. I often had such a good feeling throughout my body. It is always the best when I see a violet light flood my mind’s eye. The light feels like my sign that I am “connected” – to myself is how I look at it. I feel fantastic when this happens. Happier and happier I became.

I occasionally would connect to a healer in some form. One specific person started as my friend. I was very moved to do some work with her October 2012– weekly sessions for 3 weeks- in anticipation of 1513262_10151981245814425_607854804_nattending a conference in Mexico. I missed the conference because I was in the hospital. She had to go without me. It was more frequent sessions than would normally be done. In these energy intuitive healing sessions, we shared the goal of removing any energetic density or belief that limit my fullest expression of myself. Yee ha! I am a daring cowgirl, no fear. My friend discovered her gift for catalyzing this for others and for herself. My experiences were like past life regressions. That is how the sessions showed up on those days. I have done sessions before and since with this friend and they are not always in that form.

I will tell you now that this experience I have been referring to, the 5th Dimension, for lack of a better understanding, is labeled as Mania in Medical Science. Being a doctor and seeing this from the Doctor’s side in the past, I was quite traumatized by the label Bipolar Disorder. Any patient who 1959213_623843934351666_1941727313_nexperiences Mania is automatically labeled as Bipolar, known prior as Manic Depression. I had never experienced the Depression to any significant extent. My onset of the disorder was atypical being later in life and not in the teenage years or early 20’s.

My Manic episode was especially dramatic. It was deemed with psychotic features. I cannot tell you how many times I heard the psychiatrist emphasize this fact. He was trying to speak to the Doctor in me. The psychotic means that my sense of reality was way off what is generally agreed upon. Having seen it from both sides of the coin now, I have to again ask us to open our minds here.

I love Don Miguel Ruiz’s analogy from his book, The Four Agreements, that if everyone in a society had the same skin disease (I add -sense of what reality is) and one was cured (I add- shown that there is more). The cured individual would appear to have the disease. It may in fact be that the diseased 10305064_287667608060214_7548345697493554868_none is opening up to a new expanded potential. Whenever there is change, there can be an uncomfortable transition period. Not for the fainthearted. When I am honest with myself, I had been praying for and working towards discovering my highest potential.

Bastille Pompeii
[Click title to view the music video]

I remain inspired to understand my experience better. I am open to embrace uncertainty. At the time, I instantly felt that I was experiencing the 5th dimension. An amazing coincidence that my friend, did the sessions, was there with me in Emergency and she declared, “Yes, you were definitely in the 5th Dimension”. It was in her experience so she recognized it. She felt like she was translating for me. I was unable to understand the doctors but I could understand her somehow.

I was left with the idea that Medical Science does not understand Mental Illness. I feel so certain of that. Sadly, I also do not understand Mental Illness. I just have my experience. It was a period of 1456808_645737935467698_128525281_ndisorientation for sure. Not the most inspiring display. But at the same time, it was so cool. I am left with a few impressions. After milling it over, in addition to informal research, this past year, the Scientist in me has a few hypotheses. Let me share them. Details of the experiences will follow.

We each exist on a sliding scale between Fear and Love. Where you sit on that scale determines how reality will look when the veil is lifted to show a wider version of reality. Spiritual exploration leads to the veil being lifted. It is no coincidence that Spirituality is a favorite topic in the psychiatric wards. I felt such a catch 22 when the Doctors showed a sense of “Yes, we are right on the money with our diagnosis” when they hear that I am spiritual.

  • We are stuck in a loop. Love PewDie Pie’s Victory Dance to symbolize this. I dare you to watch the whole ten minute loop. [Click purple title to view]. If you find you do not have the patience, consider this as we continue on the unending loop that is Mental Healthcare in its current state.

    My spirituality allowed the Doctors to tick off just one more box in the certainty of the diagnosis.  A friend who is of Indian descent felt that the same experience would be viewed in Hindu culture as something to celebrate:  on the road to enlightenment. There is this alternate view:  Spirituality enlarges ones view of reality.  Long ago Western society adopted the belief system that one is crazy when seeing outside of a prescribed boundary.  I found myself fighting against the views commonly held in the collective consciousness.  The Western Medical views won…at first.  My belief system led me down the garden path to the psychiatric ward. That is how powerful I am. I know firsthand people who had similar experiences more gently because they did not hold the firm belief that I did. My opinion.

    Any experience we have is a mirror for us to look at ourselves. For me, it was quite sweet to see how loving I am. My mania was all the way over on the love side. If I had been more fear-based, it could look like Schizophrenia. My hypothesis remember?

  • Our Mental Health System is Fear-based.

    I am very intuitive. I was shocked to sense the fear in the caregivers. They are afraid of the patients. Little old me?? Certainly, I can see how fear originates. When people are experiencing reality differently and are afraid, they can lash out. History has seen this. Within 24 hours of 10157238_620874204661365_3040532042371575971_nbeing medicated, I came right back down to regular perception of reality. So I sat there amongst the other Beautiful Souls. As my mom, a retired lawyer, reminded me, I had less rights than a prisoner while committed under the Mental Health Act. I was shocked that the Act had changed since I graduated from Medical School. Could hold me up to one month now. And sadly does just that. Old Act, I would have been released within days. The reason for the change is that the patients would not follow the prescriptions so would just go right back to their unstable state. The system is having a difficult time convincing the patients of their views…until they can medicate them and keep them firmly rooted in the Collective Consciousness. So the 30 days supports that aim. If the system had answers that made better sense to the patients, there would be no need for the legal strongarm tactics. I see that day coming. I feel the fear is way out of proportion to the reality of danger – in my case anyway.  I am Love.  After my second admission, I heard a message from myself in meditation that I should open a Heart Based Mental Healthcare facility. Did not jump on that idea, let me tell you. My first reaction was, “that sounds F’ in’ hard”. My experience with intuitive alternate healthcare providers, I could see that caregivers with those developed gifts in reading the patients energy, including blocks and energy density, could result in a more effective treatment. Likely a more clear understanding of what Mental Illness actually is could emerge. I feel like the time is now. Mental Health is ready to be cracked open.

  • Mental Illness is a Spiritual Crisis. For me, Spiritual Crisis means an uncomfortable 1470062_642445045796987_23880105_nexperience as one connects to their authentic or higher Self which includes a much wider awareness – new access to other dimensions of existence.  When your energetic vibration raises, you will perceive things differently.  With our collective beliefs that we have taken up from our ancestors, when reality widens it scares us. We are afraid of the unknown. We do not know how to process it. Understanding a diagnosis always leads to better treatment. I feel very convinced that we can do better.

    When we know better, we do better. Maya Angelou

    • Medications may helpful initially?  I believe not needed forever –  maybe wishful thinking.  But the traditional doses are too high. Psychiatric Medical System might benefit from stepping back and re-evaluating medication doses. Today is a New Age. My interest in 554733_441449539276018_622027030_nenergy has connected me to intuitive Energy Forecasters. They all echo a message that these past years energy frequency is rising on Earth.  I am unable to verify this in my search of the internet.  I know this is not the most scientific method but I am lazy.  Schumann Resonance keeps coming up.  My favorite site that I found is one I have been following for nearly three years, The Global Coherence Initiative. [Click to view a 3 minute video]. I add this late to the story and see that one of the four sites being monitored is in…..Alberta, Canada.  You don’t say? My home.  Would love to know who the anonymous donor was and where it is located.  Inquiring minds want to know.
      Human beings are all being exposed to energy of the Earth, whether conscious of this or not. I propose that this may have changed the playing field unbeknownst to the system.
    • Back to the idea of medications: for me, on my own, I played around with my doses both in and out of the hospital trying to keep them at a minimum.  I found that half the dose recommended by the doctor- and only Lithium, not the other one or two initially thrown at me- kept me firmly in the 3rd Dimension. My knowledge of meds in the hospital helped me to refuse some and take some. Kind of wonder if I should write a “How to go Crazy for Dummies” manual – haha.
      I saw several others just refusing all meds, until they were ordered to take them via a legal order. Subsequently overdosed and then everyone chases their tail trying to figure out how to help the loving Soul.
      “We shall never cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
      – T.S. Eliot

    • It was so ironic that I was given a large glossy handout in the Psychiatric ward describing how to avoid falls.   I kept it as it made me laugh…and cry at the same time.
      In my altered state it appeared very self-evident:  the answer to prevent falling was to cut all med. dosages in half.
      The fear in the system makes the doctors want to zonk the patients back to donoharma reality that is easier to manage for them. My medically trained self would guess that reducing the dose to a minimum requirement would be a goal.  And yet, there was not a titration effort that I was aware of. Commonly held beliefs about doses required, based on cumulative past experience, play the largest role in choosing the dosage for each patient. I can attest to this by the questions my Psychiatrist asked and did not ask. Titration to the minimum dose was my goal, not his. I cannot help but wonder if we changed our mindset, patients would benefit. Do not be too afraid to underdose. Ooooo, heaven forbid… Small help in the reality check improves the safety vastly.

      I admit, my imagination feels that there are alternative health options that might even replace the need for medications- even in the short term. I do not know what they are but I want to be open to find something like that. My research into what is possible leaves me realizing that our own belief system – that instant cures are not possible – may be limiting our experience of something truly possible and easy, when in the right mindset. We can’t handle the truth so to speak. We are set up to believe that cures take a long time but maybe they only take a long time when we Believe that they take a long time. That is how powerful we are.
      I believe in Miracles.

      Follow me?

    • Human Consciousness – a very relevant science within the confines of Mental Health. I could almost say that Human Consciousness is Spirituality. For me they are synonymous. 1239441_728658910508933_5642603297139020227_nBut I am aware that the word Spiritual raises connotations within most people. Energy Medicine is another term that represents a more scientific view of the same topics. I am now fully out of the closet: These 3 terms/fields of understanding fascinate me. They all crossover to give great power to…wait for it…I think it will surprise you...emotions. Emotions and thoughtforms have great power in our health and wellness. Have you ever thought of it this way? My guess is for most, the answer is no. Underneath it all is energy. We are all energy. We vibrate at a particular rate. It is why someone can enter a room and the energy can shift. Everyone is aware but may not consciously understand why. We all exist at a specific vibration and it is shared with others without opening our mouth.

      A great book I read years ago is called Power Versus Force by David Hawkins. A Scale of Consciousness was included and fascinates me. I continue to refer back to it.photo-7

 

Enlightenment 700-1000
Peace 600
Joy 540
Love 500
Reason 400
Acceptance 350
Willingness 310
Neutrality 250
Courage 200
Pride 175
Anger 150
Desire 125
Fear 100
Grief 75
Apathy 50
Guilt 30
Shame 20

One big message that feels very clear is that the Mental Health System treated me as if I am vibrating 1897934_608703812553924_3641643622171214267_nat 150, Anger, when I was actually vibrating much higher, 500?  Just a guess.  Story called, “Too Much Love” coming soon to describe parts of first episode of mania not included here.  Albert Einstein was felt to be vibrating at 499 along with many other great minds.  You cannot go further without losing your mind.  Logic does not go there.  Jesus Christ would be over 700.  I guarantee you if he were to come again, he would be committed to a Psychiatric Institution and medicated to look just like us.  I imagine to myself that he has tried indefinitely, only to finally give up.  Remember that PewDie Pie loop?  Ha ha.  How many lifetimes does he need to be cast aside as crazy? I see an upgrade in the system if it could discern the various levels of each patient so they can tailor their treatments accordingly.  Fine tuning.  Another hypothesis I have:  is Mania just Joy, vibrating at 540, prior to the body physically stabilizing?  This dissertation came forth, feels like it flows from the heavens, as I was intending to share some of the details about my first manic episode. I will describe some events in temporal order. I do not think Mania can follow the same rules of writing as other topics…Ha ha.

An unusual incident occurred the day before my first admission. I was to meet my friend at Canada Place as she needed my signature for her passport. I got the idea that it would be funny to take my dogs offleash to Canada Place. I was thoroughly entertained to see the commotion that this caused. I felt that it was being filmed and would be enjoyed by others. I perceived that one of my dogs 524310_10151590636508428_173831576_nteleported himself from one spot to another. There was a particular parking spot that I perceived in my mind where the vehicle kept changing. My sense was that a friend was changing the vehicles for my entertainment – via another dimension. I kept shaking my head at that one. That same spot changed vehicle about four times in minutes.  It was the spot that I remember parking my red truck.  It took a good search with the help of the Canada Place Security Guard before that elusive truck was found.

Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
[Click to view a music video]

It really surprised me to see it.  It made me feel that some manipulation of time had occurred. Magical thinking?  Maybe.  Different reality thinking?  I felt that I was learning new possibilities in awareness. I was confused to say the least but open-minded to allow for another version of reality. I did not let on how confused I was. Security guards, greatly annoyed, helped me to collect my dogs and pack them into my truck. It was deemed I needed my passport to help my friend so I drove home and back to finish her business. I did without incident.

Later that night, I experienced my very favorite manic perception. It was. So. Cool.

Ok, so my sons play video games on a PS3 console box. The PS3 functions almost as a server as you can watch a Blue Ray disc, connect to the internet, watch Netflix, and they have a function of linking 1503440_656027157772109_583180715_nto videos. I had never been aware of being able to watch videos via that function before that night. I am not even sure why I was turning on the PS3 box, kids were with their dad. This was very out of my routine. I was scrolling around and saw that there was this video function….and that there were about 6 videos one could choose. Hmmmm…what was this? Well I spent that evening watching those videos. I somehow vividly recall three of them. After I was discharged from the hospital, I went back to this area to see if the videos were still there. No, only in the 5th dimension…Pity. Remember the old Red Rose tea commercial? Ha ha.  Mentioned to my sons and they could not explain why there were videos there either.  It was a function that they had never used.

My sense was that these videos showed alternate me’s. That was a big theme in my 5D experience. We are all connected. So the first video I watched was of a slightly younger middle aged man with a thin moustache, looking French, joyously riding a bike in the country with a cat perched on his shoulder. The cat seemed to enjoy the high speed experience: expertly positioned to hang on. I thought to myself how much I also like to ride a bike. Riding on a country road would be a favorite thing to do. Never have I done so with this much joy in my lifetime. Nice clip.

April 24, 2014: Found the guy on You Tube!! after seeing a little clip and recognizing him in a montage I entered “Man rides bike with cat” and got many videos put up by a guy in Philadelphia! The first one I watched is called: Cat enjoying a warm winter day bikeride. [Click title to view the 1 minute video]. This is not the video I saw nor any of the others but it is the same guy. In my version of the video, seen October 24, 2012, he was way more joyous and riding really fast. His 5D self was ecstatic!   The 3D video was uploaded on October 19, 2012.  Or did I just perceive him, the very same guy, as ecstatic?  Heaven only knows…

 

The song playing in the background is “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley. Seems fitting to my story…Unbelievable. I have no idea what to make of it. I want to connect with him somehow.  No luck on my initial attempts.

Lyrics: I remember when. I remember when I lost my mind.

There was something so pleasant about that day.

Your emotions have an echo. So much space

When you’re out there. Out there. Yeah, I was out of touch.

But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough.

I just knew too much.

That made me crazy. (3) Possibly…

Then it merges into Grandmaster Flash – The Message.

It’s like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep from goin’ under. …

Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head.

I recall really liking that song as a teenager. It was my first exposure to Rap.

“I just knew too much”…interesting choice of words here.

The 2nd one was of a girl singing, another version of me, in what appeared like “America’s Got Talent” format. She was dressed in a full length gown. She shared my body build, hair/eye/skin color998414_487928497961455_2024509523_n-1 but was younger. She seemed to be much prettier too. She sang her heart out, crying a little, and ended in sobs. The crowd was wild for her. She was shocked and continued sobbing uncontrollably. It felt amazingly familiar to me to feel so nervous about singing. I am an aspiring singer for sure. I have battled stage fright and left the singing to others. I am more comfortable as a member in a choir. It was as if I was watching one of my dreams coming true.

The 3rd one was the coolest but most confusing. In this one, I am a woman slightly younger than myself. I have a male partner with me. It would appear that we are partners in both love and work.  I see that we are very playful with each other – including pranks and practical jokes. I cannot really remember the details but there was a darkness to the pranks. It was not a cutesy, cutesy kind of love – a little more complicated. Partly, my perception told me that we were not concerned with hurting each other physically as the laws of physics did not seem to affect us like 1175209_365443513586285_2088269824_nhere on 3D earth. I wondered, “were we angels?”. It seemed we were both scientists and inventors. We were working on the ability to transmit personal perception to a screen directly from the brain without cameras. I was shown multiple attempts that were not successful. The couple would berate each other in that dark, playful way. Details missing here. But they did manage to successfully transmit directly from someone’s brain to a screen. Eureka!!

This one really fascinates me as it ties into the concept that I believed that my actions were being recorded with this advanced technology. For all I know, in the 5th Dimension, they1374805_643989432299661_327733410_n are/were/will be. No time remember?

It was my sense that I was being shown these videos as a demonstration. All of the videos on my PS3 were recorded with this technology, or is it an expanded human capability? Or is it a Go Pro?? Haha. I now know that the guy with the cat on the bike used Go Pro – a brand of video camera that can be mounted for on the go recording.  Go Pro used him in an Ad campaign.

This also ties into a sense I had a year before that someone would make a movie of my life. It all of a sky not limit, mind issudden made me think this movie is being made as I live it out. The editing can be done to display whatever relevant experiences are required to tell the tale. And the tale would be about how an ordinary 3D woman, that would be me, discovers how to access the fullest version of herself. This would lead to Christ-like qualities. People would be able to see how the story of Jesus Christ (Buddha etc.) got lost in translation. So ironic that this Christ example would be a woman this time around. Could it be any other way? Way more effective with Christ played as a woman. We all have the same capabilities. My Med School pearl of “see one, do one, teach one. And sometimes you have to skip a step.” came into play. I would be one of the earlier self-actualized humans to aid in demonstrating it10387465_10152168932089150_1279942949433971302_n to all. “I am a dragonfly. I am a translater.”

Not only did I believe this mind telecasting, this is a commonly experienced symptom of psychosis. Again catch 22:  assumed for centuries as a symptom but what if it has a basis in a higher reality?  All these years, people displaying this psychotic symptom have been medicated out of it.  Today is a new day.  New energy allowing for a more mass evolution.  Examples of psychotic symptoms:  feeling your thoughts are being transmitted or that your activities are being recorded. An actual recording to demonstrate its validity would be super cool!!! A girl can dream, right?

1970599_10202705125362845_828106541_nCouple this with my sensation of we are all connected:  common understanding in many subgroups of people.  I am far from the only one to experience this.  I felt deep unity with everyone when I was admitted to hospital. I have personally spoken to many others who feel 5D is a self-evident experience for them of feeling connected to everything. Love. I will describe my experience of unity in the upcoming story, “Too Much Love”.

Also consider if you live in a state of fear, vibrating at a lower level, this concept can make you feel extremely paranoid. If you become capable in communication outside of the five senses and do not understand what is happening, you will think that you are going crazy. Some would call this Paranoid Schizophrenia.

The morning of first admission I went to visit my parents. That involved driving on the Anthony Henday Freeway – love that always. Well that morning was particularly so. I was driving very fast, probably dangerous. I recall the most bizarre thing happening: I was in the left lane, the fast lane, when a service vehicle pulled in front of me from the left shoulder at about 50 km/h versus my 120. IAngel_Billowy Wings recall breaking hard to slow down, which turned into a stop when another service vehicle was blocking the lane further ahead. I have thought back to that time often. It made me wonder if I did not have an accident but then there was a reset button where I was all fine again. Strange but that is how it felt to me. Did I even die right there and then with some 5D, no time, special effects, it was not my time to leave. OR I wondered if angels intervened to save me from a crash. The service truck just came out of nowhere. I would say that the “fabric of time” was manipulated somehow… I guess I would have to see the video replay to be sure…haha.

The visit with my parents was fun. I was elated. They, too, were happy. They were sharing a dream they had of owning some land on Vancouver Island.  Did I want to share in ownership?  Yes!  I was prepared to go and see it that next weekend but was booked to go to Mexico. I gave them gifts: a rose quartz, resonates with love, and dark chocolate. I gave many small gifts that week. Ladies at my club found it unusual when I gave them little packets of dark chocolate and a hug. They commented to my close friend. Happy and loving is not the norm I guess. Beware happy and loving people! Am I right?

That afternoon I was feeling unwell. I wanted to just lie down. Physically, I could not cope with all of this energy that was coursing through me. For the prior weeks, I was having some difficulty keeping up with my schedule- which kid to drive where. So that day, I was to pick up my daughter from the club. I recall asking my parenting partner to pick her up and then she came down the stairs. 10153730_536356116483084_1664637209_nApparently, I picked her up. I had no recollection. I wondered if a second copy of myself had done it. Or if someone, angel or other, did it on my behalf – somehow, magically. I was unwell and would not deny it at this point. I laid down on the couch and did not plan on getting up. I told the boys that we would skip music lessons this day. This concerned everyone quite a bit. It was hours later that my parenting partner, my brother and my friend all gathered around me wondering what to do. I was chanting mantras to myself to try to alleviate my overwhelm. I felt that I was being video recorded. 3 strikes, I am OUT. Off to Emergency I go. Not long into the ride, I could foresee that I would be committed. I will appear as crazy.  I had enough insight to know that. And they say patients with Bipolar disorder lack insight…

A sweet gesture from my friend. She offered a mantra for me. With a pink pencil crayon while waiting in the Emergency department she scribed it onto a little scrap of paper,

“I am healthy and complete. All is well in my world.”


I think something similar originates from Louise Hay.  So that is what was running through my mind throughout my hospitalization (4 weeks!!!). I use it regularly to this day. A sweet momento…

I wish I could remember details of the Emergency Room. I was having a great time that night. Everything seemed so funny. It started with teasing my brother. When they asked for the Patient’s healthcare card, I urged my Bro’ to give his. I feel well. I am not concerned. It is you, brother, who is concerned. You are the patient. He had his serious, Engineer face on. He is usually a regular comedian. This night, he was not laughing. That seemed so out of character. I felt that I was cracking many good jokes. I looked forward to seeing the video, that I was convinced was forthcoming. Some were aimed at the Healthcare System. I looked around me and felt the workers were not the picture of health, but kept my tongue about it. My psychiatrist mentioned to me recently that he would love to 547896_710818095606874_1087223406_nshow me a video of myself while manic. I would love to see it! I wonder how it would appear. I verbally gave him permission for any possible future episode but not sure if that will ever come to be. This suggestion from the Doctor has percolated into a plan to video-document a manic episode for the purpose of obtaining various perspectives, especially kids, and to try out alternative heart-open care.

As I was being assessed by the physicians, two are required to commit a patient, something new appeared. Just these two men took on an automaton appearance. Their eyes looked like robots. They did not appear alive. It was very marked. I looked at both my friend and brother, in the room at the same time, and they did not have this appearance. My own Doctor was there and stopped having that appearance by the next time I saw him – maybe did not see him that first day. The other Doctor appeared that way for the entire first day of admission. I would see the nurses working alongside him. They did not appear that way but they appeared like they were being controlled on tracks – just like the little hockey players on that tabletop game, where you twist the wire and they move back and forth within that confined track.  Symbolic perceptions.  Not what I was used to.  Interesting none the less…

Wanted to go back to the dragonfly. You know how its eyes have all those little angles? My sense was that because we are all connected we can see others far from us through another’s eyes. A form of 1510703_778304688855913_6121194878392149156_ntelepathy. Upon reflection about my experiences, I started thinking we are all the same BUT perhaps we all have specific roles. Theory:  there are many groups of people with different gifts? I wonder if mine is this unique vision. Maybe everyone does not have to have it but those with mental illness are trying to develop their extra senses and then get “caught” having experiences outside of the prescribed normal range. Is Bipolar Disorder this “dragonfly” function as it attempts to evolve the extrasensory perception? A subgroup of human beings? Asking the right questions opens the mind to hear the answer.

Back to my first day: prisoner in the system.

When I saw the nurses looking so “automated” on tracks, it made me curious if they could see me. I was aware that we were sensing reality differently. I started testing. At one point, I wondered if I just walk out of the hospital, maybe they will not see me. I tried that and Yes, they did see me. They brought me back to my room. (tee hee) You can take the scientist out of the lab but never out of the woman.

It was my perception late that night a healthcare worker who was bridging both dimensions retrieved 10343490_780695071962429_2870500989654876654_nme from my room to a larger group room. She was dressed less conventionally with leotards and a short sporty skirt with a shirt. She described that this was “tame” for her but she had to fit in here in 3D. Her hair was purple, short and spunky. She asked if I understood my choice. I was thinking No but was kind of confabulating and never directly answered her. If I could go back and ask her some more questions, like help me understand my choice, I would. I cannot recall the details but remember feeling that she was describing how to transition to the 5th dimension. One cannot drive. But not to worry, there is a driving service. You must clean up after yourself. Nobody does menial jobs in the 5thhalfreality dimension. We just take responsibility for what work we create – like put away garbage into the receptacles etc. I had a view of the hospital ward. It looked identical but without staff. The lighting was low. There was a table with many pamphlets on it. I noticed the pamphlet for the driving service. I was amazed at how this new and improved world worked. Everyone found ways to contribute. The drivers were people who enjoyed driving. People would volunteer to come and put away garbage and recyclables etc.  Everyone’s job would match their passion and everything would get done with ease and grace.  She also hinted that I had to pay attention to details. It would scare 3D people if I just materialized somewhere or my things suddenly were unexplainably in a different position. This had me quite confused and excited at the same time. She even had firm reminders to groom myself. If I neglected my body, it would not sustain me when I was in 3D.

There were moments when I felt like I was alone in my hologram. There was nobody else there and would not be anyone else there and never was anyone else there…but I could do whatever I wanted in I Have Seen Some Weird Shitthe world. Including travel. I thought maybe I should get a driver to drive me to the airport to take a trip. I see this paradox. On one hand I feel alone, and yet my thoughts can create a driver to take me to the airport. I had moments of panic. Am I dead? Will I ever see anyone again? Will I see my kids again? Am I an angel? I became very afraid when I thought of myself all alone trapped in my own thinking. I was unsure which way was out, back or forward. I now wonder if it was forward but my fear brought me back.

I do not recall the worker taking me back to my room but the end of this string of thoughts was me firmly declaring, “I want to be grounded to see my kids again”. My first declaration within this period of confusion. A nanosecond later, the light comes on in my hospital room and a nurse drops a Haldol tablet (generic name haloperidol, an antipsychotic) into my hand. I promptly popped that baby in my mouth. It felt quite miraculous. Upon reflection, 5D is noted to have instantaneous manifestation. Which would make it pretty hard to stay there if you have any doubt or fear. I had both. Thoughts instantly manifest reality…Sounds kinda cool when you think about it. I felt like I was playing Call of Duty with my son, Jacques. I really never learned how to use those darned controllers. What does the A button do? Bam, someone just shot me. Hey, I did not see that coming.  I did not have a clue how to use that controller so my avatar was not 1098104_357596927704277_2026684143_nlooking the right way. I will definitely ask more questions if I ever get to that place again… Maybe I can learn to use the controller.

Crazy people are not wrong, simply another version of right.  Angèle Beaudoin

I came up with this quote after a conversation with Jacques, my 13 year old1462936_10152098091488685_2134493080_n son. 

It is time for those not hearing the music to stop denying that there is music to be heard…
I am firm in my belief that if we frame Mental Illness differently, we will enable the miraculous transformation of Beautiful Spirits.  They will then share their gifts with the world.  There is no better time than now.
We will figure it out.  We know that we can.  …And it will be easy.

Let’s begin…

Started Writing November 29, 2013

Addendum:  I want to add here that it is possible that conditions now cannot be compared to back in 2012.  Another hypothesis:  Maybe the gameboard continues to change.  My current favorite teacher, Matt Kahn, speaks of the 5th Dimension in a different way.  My story sounds kind of scary, like there is this way out there place.  His version which I align with now speaks of the 5th Dimension being the same place as the 3rd.  When your vibration raises, the way you perceive and experience it will be different.  The biggest advice he gives to raise your vibration is to love your own heart, love yourself:  all parts of yourself.  The good, the bad and the ugly. Accept what is.  Remember my favorite quote?  Be a lover of what is and the war is over.  Byron Katie.  It is a deep acceptance.  Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

November 26, 2015
699571ef-12cf-4f8e-a228-bcea241d481I come back to add a new way of conceptualizing the different dimensions.  The tube torus is a shape that moving energy takes around our bodies.  Each dimension nested within the higher dimensional torus field. I am taking a course with an inspired teacher, Sandra Walter.  She had the best visuals, could not extract out of the course, to demonstrate 3D torus field nested within 4D torus field nested within 5D etc.  She said it is like tube torus energy fields, one nested in another like Russian Nesting Dolls.  Each torus field is centered on the same point.  So when you expand your consciousness, you have a wider access but are still “here” in the same place.  Your environment is the same but your perspective of it has expanded.  Higher understanding clicked into place for me with the nested torus field concept.  Had to share.

September 7, 2021 Additions:

My Disabled Angel website is my way to demonstrate my evolving perspective and my passionate belief in RAW DATA. To jump too soon into a conclusion is not optimal. And not even Scientific in the purest sense. A huge missing piece within our Scientific Business Machine is that there is not a proper system to question assumptions.
If anyone, by their own inspiration or experience, chooses to do this, they are blamed, shamed, ridiculed +/- persecuted. Not to mention censored and penalized with job loss or severe discrediting.

I have since updated my understanding of how to care for people in mental crisis in articles posted on my Beauvera website. Links provided below. The short answer is to treat people humanely with natural human care and kindness. That is true for everyone in every situation, not just mental crisis.
One theory I have is that this alone will do the trick. Some support and nurture until the self-healing mechanism has a chance to be enabled.
It took me years, I feel, due to widespread lack of understanding in the world of what happened to me along with systemic roadblocks in a variety of flavors.

Why I Divorced My Psychiatrist (and the Field of Psychiatry)

First Contact As A Patient in Psychiatry: Story, Pilot Project Proposal

[Click titles to open links to these articles if you wish to learn more about my Experiences and Proposals].

Addendum (September 2021)

I was not brave enough to include a relevant part of the October 2012 experience at the time of initially publishing this story/article.
October 25, 2012, the night of my first hospital admission, with my daughter, brother, friend and parenting partner (separate household, former marriage partner) as witnesses, a young woman/spirit from India spoke through my body. I could hear what was being said and I felt happy for my audience, that they would hear these spiritual and inspiring messages. They felt loving and true to hear them myself. This happened spontaneously. I had no experience or knowledge that this was even possible.
Trance Channeling popped spontaneously into my experience.
Over time, exploration following my curiosity, I came to witness others who did this as a service to bring new concepts and perspectives into awareness.
A few famous ones: Kryon channeled by Lee Carroll, Bashar channeled by Darryl Anka, Whitecloud channeled by Blossum Goodchild and Dr. Peebles channeled by Summer Bacon.
The experience of Trance Channeling physically overwhelmed me. I came to understand my experience better while a student at Arthur Findlay College in a Trance Medium weeklong residential course. [Click title for a 10 minute video introducing the Psychic University]. It was designed for people who held proficiency already and somehow I was so inspired to attend. I did not notice it was an expert level course until I arrived onsite. This did create some frustration with fellow students who were partnered with me for exercises, whoops! There was such a perfection for me despite my lack of self-assurance.
During an exercise, I was able to very clumsily repeat this skill. Not being in that elevated vibration, it was not very smooth. Yet so important for me to understand my prior experience. All of the students were fairly challenged to perform this also.
After I did, it was no big deal.
We all went for our coffee break.
Night and day compared to that first time.
Creating a proper container for this type of development is essential.
Trusting you can see the importance of this snippet of the story.
When I did not know what was going on, I was a bit frightened like a little girl.
I was not capable of describing what happened as I had no vocabulary or understanding of it.
This is where I like to emphasize the idea of Phenomenon.
Something happened, clearly. It took time for me to get an idea of what it was.
How delightful when I came to understand this was known in the world.
You get curious. You figure stuff out.
Phenomenological approach is somewhat opposite to the functioning Scientific approach.
Describe the phenomenon as best as one can. Then get curious and explore for wider understanding.
The stunted illusion of knowledge in allopathic Psychiatry would benefit from getting curious and exploring the phenomena. There are patterns. A whole new paradigm approach exists widely enough. Yet the old system is not even willing to compare notes.
Pity…

This plays out in many other systems also, BTW.

Je Me Souviens

/

The Great Remember by Steve Martin and the Steep Canyan Rangers from their album “Rare Bird Alert”

 

Following is a letter that was never sent to my Norwegian Friend #1, featured in Twin Flame: Fact or Fiction.

March 23, 2014

I attended a Writer’s Workshop in San Francisco this weekend. One of the little five minute assignments was to write “I remember…”. Explore what comes from this two word opener for fiveSanFranciscobridge minutes. That may mean one story or several I remembers until time is up. Several of the group shared theirs publicly. I was very touched by the format when applied to one specific person.

 

It came to me in the lunch break that followed to use this format to explore my recent memories of our Mentorship Meeting.

 

I affectionately declare that the Physics Professor Writes a Poem:

 

I remember typing up the email requesting your Mentorship services. I notice that I felt calm while I collected my thoughts and dreams, asking for your collaboration.

 

I remember your response. Yes, but…with valid concerns about what my expectations might be. I notice myself double check my inspired decision to request your services.1979882_718715251483823_2136476759_n

 

I remember my surprise that in lieu of the short coffee meetup prior to a Mentor Meeting, our plans landed on dinner and a show. I had noticed, weeks prior, a favorite local celebrity was performing “In Your Element” featuring 80’s music running for two nights only.

 

I remember the lift in my heart and soul when I saw you standing in the foyer of the restaurant that Saturday night: right on time to my early – only 10 minutes. I notice how you seem to run out of your jacket to come to the table to greet me…with a hug and quick fleeting kiss on the cheek. I notice that the 2+ years since our last meeting disappear instantly.

 

I remember you sharing your personal stories within 10 minutes of this surreal reunion. I notice how endearing it is to hear you talk of your personal history.

 

I remember talking comfortably with you as if we were longstanding friends. I notice what a lovely picture we paint for all the other restaurant patrons.

 

I remember our mutual enjoyment of the Malbec wine. The large and shapely glassware does not go unnoticed by either of us.

 

I remember wanting to skip down the street to the theatre to see the show. Buoyed up with a thimble of wine, I could not hold back a few skipping steps. I wonder if you notice.

 

I remember soaking in your presence. I notice the enjoyable interactions with the theatre staff in 1001303_538869562841774_1873566650_ntrying to seat us in our ticketed seats – hidden way up in the balcony.

 

I remember you missing a step and spilling red wine on your crisp white shirt as we continued the wild goose chase for our seats. I notice that you handle the mishap with style and grace. The shirt was destined to be processed the next day by Edmonton’s World Class Waste Management Program. It is probably biofuel by now…

 

I remember you noticing the last song I listened to on my playlist in the blackened theatre during the show, Fields of Gold by Eva Cassidy – you also have that very song.  I notice the title to the song my son has been regularly serenading me with is Rock You Like a Hurricane by the Scorpions.

 

I remember walking past the Citadel Atrium. I notice the workbench in the shadows of the majestic Norfolk Pines. I resist the urge to show you.

 

I remember seeing you in the passenger seat of my red, debadged SUV. I almost can not look as it would seem an impossible reality not weeks before. I just feel it.

 

I remember you guiding me out of the traffic jam on Jasper Avenue. I enjoy the subconscious delay tactic. I notice you are not quick to bring me back in line.10153700_717849658256525_1448737092201972858_n

 

I remember dropping you to the downtown hotel close to 11pm, anticipating the unknown day ahead which would start with me picking you up at 10am the next morning. I delight in the fact that this was the night of daylight savings time change. We spring forward so one less hour to wait.

 

I remember picking you up the next morning. The thrill of seeing your surprise approach to my truck from outside as I wait in the front lobby. You meet me at the hotel front step with a kiss for each cheek as is the custom of my ancestors.   I wonder, did you do some homework last night? Nice touch…

 

I remember my enthusiasm spilling over while driving towards Edmonton’s Telus Baseball Field. I share the rumor that the book Shoeless Joe by WP Kinsella was inspired by this very field and photo-2inspired the movie “Field of Dreams”. You reach out your hand to calm & steady me – my hand absentmindedly holding the steering wheel that controls your safety. The gentle reminder feels like a gesture performed a thousand times. I notice how patient you are with me – as if you know me well.

 

I finish my writing into my phone at the San Francisco Restaurant over lunch. I am now on a break in the playground across from the Hilton Financial District Hotel. I open my phone. It is 3:33pm. Catch my breath…

 

I remember walking into the lineup at Cora’s for breakfast – a place I have attended with each and every friend dear to me. I notice the logo on your grey winter jacket: Arcteryx, Canadian company. I am wearing the Norwegian brand Helly Hansen in Indigo.  I notice your flexibility as you ordered coffee, not yet realizing other options were available. Glad you ended up with double Espresso.

 

I remember you asking me what is the difference between enlightenment and ascension. I notice there are no words available to answer.

1506813_10153744472415537_757388632_n

 

I remember parking in my VIP parking spot at my friend’s house down by the River. I notice the 200 stairs in the distance as we crossed the first footbridge of many that day.

 

I remember the warm sun with the best of the season temperature nearing 10 degrees Celsius – a 30 degree improvement from the prior week. I notice how therapeutic it feels as the winter season takes its last breath.

 

I remember walking past a sign that warns the path is not passable. I notice our passage easily defies the validity of the warning.

 

I remember your playful way of slip-sliding down the trails with your beautiful, blue, latest technology, Nike running shoes. I enjoyed a sure-footed walk clad in my 20 year old beige K-Swiss hiking boots.

 

I remember you asking for my thoughts on Christmas Traditions. I notice that I do not tell you I wrote a story about that.

 

I remember you asking which house I prefer of the two within view on the opposite bank by the mighty North Saskatchewan River. I notice myself not really having a preference.

 

I remember playing the spoons, each our own set, at a public performance by a French Canadian Folk Group conveniently located near the walking path.

 

I remember walking along the trail and you modeling how to find a way to make a circular route rather than doubling back the way we came. I notice how you make warm connections with people as you ask for directions.

 

I remember walking up an extremely steep, snowy hill. I kick toeholds into the crusty 6 inches of snow that I thought might come in handy for you. I do not look back to see if you used them or not.  I 1000998_187239234778076_1117152518_nnotice you made it up somehow without incident.

 

I remember talking about tattoos: if we would have one what would it be? I notice we both have thought about this before. I notice that I forget to mention the dragonfly as a symbol I consider appropriate.  I adore this discussion. I wonder if you notice that?

 

It is now the next day after my Monday morning “Rush” to Yoga… Home sweet home in Edmonton.

 

I remember the topic of relationships coming up. I notice we both share cursory details that illustrate our challenges in this area.

 

I remember you order a green juice and I, a smoothie at Booster Juice in my local strip mall.

 

I remember you performing the first moves of Tai Chi outside the Booster Juice as you wait for your second customized green juice to be made. I am a captive audience in the driver’s seat of my SUV. I notice the twinkle in your eye.

 

Sarah Harmer Captive

 

I remember backing into the garage of my home…with you in the passenger seat. I notice how naturally it sits with me.

 

I remember having tea together, each enjoying a space on my beautiful, green sofa. I notice how you prepare the lighting using the two floor lamps in the room prior to my entry. I notice how comfortable I feel as I put my feet up on the wartorn coffee table.

 

I remember walking my dogs with you. We ran into an acquaintance from the neighborhood. I 10170730_482869458507353_8415207377800009675_nnotice that I did not think to introduce you to her. Forgot all of my manners.

 

I remember phoning ahead to ensure an available table at a funky new gastrobar called “The Glass Monkey”. I notice how plain the restaurant looks in its strip mall location as we drive up.

 

I remember the fun of ordering and eating together at our last supper. I notice that you declare you enjoy the view … of me, not at all worried about missing out the view of the televised saltwater fishtank that I am enjoying. I notice that I do not share with you how happy I am with my view … of you.

 

I remember you reminding me that it takes two to Tango in answer to my question “ have you ever tangoed in Buenos Aires?”, even the waiter chimes in his agreement with this statement as he happens to be at the table in the next breath. I notice that my heart flutters in response.

 

I remember that you asked if I had been to both Thailand and Buenos Aires separately over the course of our meeting. After my negative reply, I notice that you state, “you would love it there”. I agree with you. I notice that I leave those remarks hang.

 

10154469_754728854567606_1322187414326100651_nI remember being treated to your 80’s playlist. I notice that the songs are short snippets, not the whole thing. I notice it is fun to experience so many songs in an efficient timeframe.

 

I remember looking at the clock on the dash of my vehicle. I notice that the carriage is soon to turn into a pumpkin, yet again.

 

I remember you saying just before you exit the vehicle this night, “I will see you again”. I notice myself doubting “did I actually hear that?”

 

I remember getting out of the vehicle so that I could ‘hug you properly’. I notice you do not give the extra long style that you gave me the first and last time we met 2 years ago. 603581_574465245907482_1298136356_n

 

MOST of all, I remember feeling the deepest, surest peace within my entire being as I was driving down the hill out of downtown Edmonton that night. I take notice…

 

 

May 11, 2014

 

P.S. – I never sent this email/poem. Strong intuitive message was “He is not ready to receive this now”. Sharing this is humbling but authentic for me. 1011491_689613007719058_337238594_n

 

I loved the experience as it goes to show the value of not making assumptions, not taking things personally, desiring/creating an experience and most of all not knowing. I have not a clue.  I look back to our original meeting:  I fell in love with his Soul.  Logic and the mind keep us busy wondering what is going on. Makes little logical sense to me. I love that he knows me in a more realistic light than before. I enjoyed our shared time. I must again respect his choice in how he wants to interact with me.

 

I add one last verse:

 

I remember you heard one of my favorite songs playing from my iphone Playlist over the Harmon Kardon in my kitchen -my amp from the big system was awaiting replacement.  I notice the song seems to impact you more than any other you have heard 471775_10151825874410526_1352472385_ofrom my list.

 

You Are Not Alone by Patty Griffin

 

Relax. Nothing is under control. What a relief…

 

Satisfied by Jewel

My Gospel Truth

/

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. What stories are you carrying inside you that are yearning to be freed onto the page? What stories are you carrying inside that, once freed onto the page, will also free you? Whatever they are, write one of them. Now.”
 Maya Angelou: The Call to Write.

 

Down To The River To Pray from O Brother Where Art Thou

 

I am not in the regular habit of going back down memory lane…except to write these stories, ha ha. My inspiration to capture stories from my life was far from welcomed when it first appeared over two years ago. Over time, the inspiration could not be denied. I learned that resistance was futile. On one hand, words seem so meaningless. Live for now. What good comes of looking back? On the other hand, I enjoy capturing my stories in the quirky way that I do. Inspiration just hits, usually triggered by something – could be a song, a movie, a book, a conversation. Anything. I really do not take them 10271288_770930856258821_7151843787215459457_otoo seriously. They are just stories. I have come to strongly believe that being a storyteller is a very valuable profession. One that I feel well suited for. I am not overly concerned with accuracy. I just let them flow. I always learn something about myself, my past self that is. I embrace the idea that in each moment I am reborn. So I really do not feel defined by my past actions and choices. Nothing to be ashamed of. I Let Go of the belief system I once held that past actions define you: peaceful, free state of being. In this moment, I have complete and total freedom to make my right now choice. I am in harmony. I do not have to conceptualize old choices. If they do not resonate in this moment, absolutely fine. This moment is my greatest teacher. How I feel now is my most useful tool to gauge this moment.

 

Recently, I found myself in conversation with a friend who was in the early stages of separating from her long-term marriage. Been there. Done that. Like attracts like. My Wedding Day Story came out. Wow, it had been a long while since I have thought about that one. It is a story about honesty…and deception. I am honest to a fault. Life seems always a paradox. Love that!

 

Graduated from Medical School in 1990, fully licensed 1992. Lived the life, working full-time as a Doctor. I dated my Med School Sweetheart. One of the largest motivations for me to get married, if I am honest with myself, was number one to have a family – in wedlock was my belief system. The number two reason was so that I would not have to be worried getting caught staying overnight at my boyfriend’s house, another belief system. At that time, I cared about the opinions of certain people. Parents? Neighbors? That feeling was getting old as we had been dating for six years prior to marriage. I guess that was a wee signal about a lack of enthusiasm if I had been a little more 69504_574841269224032_1806189242_nobservant. Med School was a bit distracting…and overwhelming at times. We actually did break up about a year before we got married as I saw the writing on the wall. If he was unsure about marriage after five years of dating, then he was just unsure. I grieved the loss of our partnership but was prepared to get over it and start looking anew. I even had another strapping medical trainee in mind. That man also became a surgeon, orthopedic – a little more ‘hands on’, so I guess I had a thing for surgeons. I run into him from time to time and it is always a pleasure. Once I was in the company of a friend when I ran into Mr. Orthopedics and she sensed some energy in the air, for sure. I can be such a flirt. It amazes me that I was a faithful wife and girlfriend over 22 years in partnership with my buddy. Wonder how authentic that really was? Somehow, two weeks after breaking up, my buddy and I were reunited. This was a great relief to our friends as they just could not see us apart. We were best friends through dating and early marriage. An intuitive cousin of mine, Neurological ICU Miracle noted in the story “Your Song”, had shared her 994884_518557098216616_2081994952_nobservation that she did not see us as lovers somehow. Hmmmmm…. I was not at all offended. It was a bold statement. Love those! I could understand why she would say that. Made me a little uncomfortable. Truth has a way of doing that, doesn’t it?

 

Contributing to our brief breakup was my purchase of a small home. I had been renting an apartment on my own for one year. I was sort of waiting around for a marriage proposal. I learned that I do not like living alone and needed to change my residential status. I took on a room-mate after purchasing the house. I got along famously with her, ended up as one of the bridesmaids. She was a family friend growing up on the same street. The four parents were shocked that it worked out as well as it did. They saw us both as too hotheaded to get along. Ha ha. Within one month of my home purchase, my boyfriend also bought a home. Bigger, better, in a nicer neighborhood. That started the 969840_520277764718611_1088797481_ngossip flowing. Strange circumstances indeed. I now realize that I have been fiercely independent for a very long time. Owning a home on my own, with a bank mortgage, felt like an achievement. It was a great lesson in debt. I took on a 10 year mortgage and felt its weight on my personal freedom. I recall sitting there with my first Medical earnings rolling in. Paid off the student loan in two months. Felt absolutely awesome! Worked my butt off in those two months. Never worked harder in my life before or since. Tee hee. The next tens of thousands accumulated and I seriously asked myself, “house or stereo”? The housing market was very affordable in Edmonton so I chose house. One of those choicepoint moments. I can only laugh.

 

All in all, I was more interested in the marriage than the wedding. I felt the experience of planning a wedding was a bit of a gong show. I prefer to evaluate any and all customs to determine if they suit me. Well this was not going to work with the collective people involved. At that time, one thing we were in agreement on was to be married in a church. Fiancé and his family had recently gone through1959488_10152020373601150_771252540639094211_n catechism in the Catholic Church. They were each formally baptized and received First Communion. I have always enjoyed Spirituality so decided to join a catechism class of my own – an enjoyable experience. The priest shared a lot. He was very open-minded. It was much more than just the Catholic dogma. We explored all faiths: a theology course. Within the church there are many Beautiful Souls. I was impressed at how many were not connected to the dogma but wanted to share community within the Catholic Church. Slowly over time my favorites found their way out of the Church – many forced out but some voluntarily left. Politics are ugly no matter where you find them. It did not take too long before I declared myself an ex-Catholic.

 

Patty Griffin’s soulful version of a Catholic classic All Creatures Of Our God & King.  I sang in the choir for three years.  Love the music!


The Priest, Father Dick, who presided in my fiancé ‘s neighborhood -the good one, remember?- was inspiring. It was his cowboy boots that peeked out from the bottom of the robes that fateful day September 1994. I and many others noticed – tickled. He was known to drive a Harley motorbike also. Fun Fact: he ended up leaving the Priesthood years later to get married himself. Go Dick!!  One man’s scandal is another man’s celebration.  A cause for celebration in my world!  So happy for that inspiring man.

 

Back to my wedding:

 

facecrossing threshold

Crossing threshold

Nothing confused me more at the time than me breaking down into tears the instant I crossed the threshold of the Chapel, captured in the photo by my dear Aunt. I continued to weep through the entire ceremony.

During ceremony

During ceremony

It was not like I was moved in a happy way. I felt overwhelmed.  I did not want to look too closely at it.  Was I sad?  Not sure. When it came time for the vows, I barely got out any words. When I was asked to repeat till death do you part, I just could not say that. Father Dick paused. Repeated the vow several times. Giving me multiple chances to join back in. ….Then cut his losses and carried on without those words ever being repeated.

As I look back now, I am dumbfounded. My higher Self seemed to know that it was not going to be forever. I am nothing if not honest. I was reminded each time I saw another wedding ceremony about my own not seeming to match the typical sentiments.

 

As I see it today, I was destined to have my three kids, and the experience of marriage. The kids have been my best teachers. Their young energy helped me to break free from the collective consciousness – also some of my family’s belief systems.

 

Chongsamlambada

Lambada!!

My buddy was a Soulmate but was never designed to be forever. He was and is a good man.  He sure knows how to dance.  It was those Michael Jackson hips that started this whole affair back in 1988.  The Med Show Dance.  Med Show is a racy affair where Med students let off a

Chong Sam glory...loved that dress!

Cheongsam glory…loved that dress!

little steam while we entertained an audience with crude skits and songs.  In the days before You Tube.  One’s career could end with some of that footage.  A highlight of the wedding reception was doing the lambada in my custom made cheongsam – thank you Chinese mom!  Proud to say I still fit that dress.  Just sayin’.  I was showing more leg than is proper back in China, I was told by a Chinese friend later.  My cheongsam was all Hollywood, not China so much.  Dancing the lambada in it appeared slightly scandalous to my mother she later shared.  Our best man had passed a hat around to collect money to entice us to do the forbidden dance.  He had traveled with us to Mexico so knew we would be up for it.  We were.  Close friends hinted that I was sexier than was proper for a bride.  Sexy is as sexy does, I always say.

 

DSC_0023

Soulmates come in all shapes and sizes

I had wanted to understand my emotional reaction in the Chapel better. I asked my bridesmaids what they thought of it? One replied, “You are a tough nut. Tough nuts are tender on the inside.” I found that such an unsatisfactory answer.

 

I was told that many people were so moved witnessing my ongoing crying. Many said it was a beautiful wedding. The comments struck me as very sincere.

 

My decision to raise my kids in a two household family and not remain married to their dad, was not celebrated by…anyone. Except me. I forced the transition on everyone in my family. Not long after separation, they were asking would it be Ok to include my former husband in family gatherings? I initially answered, No. Let us wait until he has engaged in the process of separation etc. I did not want mixed signals being sent. Well that day did come. It was a beautiful thing to see he and my momspring flowers reunited. My imagination was creating a movie scene. A large green field scattered with colorful wildflowers. My mom and buddy each in an opposite corner of the field. They would stretch their arms open and in slow motion run towards each other. When they met, an authentic embrace would follow: turning in a slow circle as the embrace continued. It was Beautiful. I felt like crying at the mixed emotions it brought up for me. They share mindset and enjoy each other’s company and conversation.  They had accepted each other as family.  I felt a wee bit bad 1535016_10152219511928185_1955304940_nfor keeping them apart in the way that I did. They had visited a couple of times on their own. It was this day that I came up with the idea that I had married my mom. The energetic signature was so familiar to me. I had been entrained. It was nobody’s fault. My biggest challenge in life to date is to just be myself. I am very intuitive and knew that to be myself would challenge those closest to me. I would say that is midlife crisis defined. When someone breaks out of some societal or family mold and steps into who they truly are. History has shown that society can be pretty cruel to those transforming. Judgments have been thrown around freely. We could choose to celebrate this monumental achievement. Connecting with your true Self is the greatest possible triumph.  Big theory is that this is what Mental Illness is.  An individual whose natural state is a mismatch to the collective consciousness.  Perhaps we all go through it as we open up to our true selves.  Not for the fainthearted.  It takes time to tease away the energetic ties to allow your true self freedom to emerge.  “Ties That Bind” story coming soon.  Also we must Let Go of belief systems that do not resonate with our natural state.

 

Lyle Lovett sings Isn’t That So.

 

Seeing that my former husband fit into my family more than I did was not really painful by this point. It just made sense. It is the way it is. It is nothing personal. I am who I am. They are who they are. Live and let live.

 

When you become a lover of what is, the war is over. Byron Katie

 

It was interesting to just look at this situation for what it was. I can only be myself. I know that now. Being anything other was not a comfortable way to live. I gave it a shockingly valiant effort. Wow! WTF. The Beautiful Truth of it all is that the only thing holding back my being accepted was me not accepting myself. It was for love of family and friends. I knew the real me would likely not be celebrated. I am OK with that now. Do I really have any other choice? I allow it to be more their problem than mine. So simple. Yet so difficult for me.  I chose to allow that.  I figured it out…eventually.

 

No Exit

I have been known to defy signs before…

Shocking conversation spring 2014 with my buddy, as I often refer to my former husband: he expressed that Divorce was a bad disease. I really thought after three years and a girlfriend, he 563090_10152191866678685_1783695114_nwould have less resentment. I told him that I did not judge it. Authenticity rules. And repeated the Byron Katie quote above. It did not go over all that well. But I was very peaceful with it. I accepted his viewpoint.  At the same time was so very comfortable with my own. Live and let live.  What better gift do we give our children than to model this for them.  I had been selling him on the Divorce thing from the get go. He had never really wanted to buy it. I felt 1374860_380065952096293_1356848729_nit was for the wrong reasons. More about connection to collective consciousness than the desire to share love with me. A common fear with divorce and separation is “what about the children”?  Yes, what about them? 

 

A favorite teacher Matt Kahn summarizes a common relationship theme: 

We are going to lie, disappoint and have Anniversaries until we die.  How romantic…

 

Is this what we want to model to our kids?  Not me.

 

This small interaction may sound so simple but it was evidence to me that I stand firm in myself now. I am changed. It is good. I have come a long way! I am no longer affected by conflicting opinions in those around me -as I oh, so used to be. I take it as a good sign…for me. 

 

Authenticity rules.

 

Stairway To Heaven performed live by Dolly Parton.

 

Started writing January 2014

Why Norway?

/

My Birthday is October 1. A favorite way to honor the big day is to plan a trip. Two years ago, it was Vancouver Island. For this year, I 10337755_10202274309483430_6378965928248116378_nwondered where I might go and landed on Norway. I cannot count the times I was questioned, “Why Norway?” I never had an easy answer at the ready. I especially found it hard to answer while I was on the trip. Curiosity within myself built up and I felt I wanted to answer this question. The short answer is that I intuitively felt drawn to see Norway. There was an impulse to see it for a variety of reasons over the recent years and why not now? Maybe the question also could be “Why not Norway?”

OK, now there is also a long answer. Hang on, I will “share my crazy” with you.

Birthday Dinner

Birthday Dinner

I am an out of the closet fan of children’s entertainment. I have my favorites and one of them is “Kim Possible”. I loved the TV show when Elise and Jacques were young. Somehow, Jean-Luc has rarely seen the show. There was also a movie called, “A Stitch In Time”. This is one of those movies that I enjoy each time I watch it. Well one of the main characters, Ron Stoppable, gets banished to Norway. I always wondered why the writers picked Norway…and they were pretty unkind to the country in their portrayal. Sensed a little Norwegian grudge within one of the writers…I could be wrong. I felt defensive for Norway after seeing that movie. The villain subversively arranges for Ron’s mom to be transferred to Norway to keep Ron away10269362_768562523175684_6945934201788009935_n from spoiling the evil plot…and it worked… for a while.

Kim Possible “A Stitch in Time”clip 3:27.

At 1:15 you can see the scene where Ron’s parents inform him they are moving…to Norway. So funny…
“This will alter the course of life as we know it!” Ron declares to Kim when sharing the news. Kim states, “Ron, I couldn’t save the world without you”.  And the way the movie plays out…they were right. Love this movie!
I even bought the Soundtrack. So over a decade ago, the curiosity about Norway began.

Then two years ago, I was extremely inspired by a gentleman of Norwegian persuasion. OK, maybe it was just an old fashioned crush. I happened to find myself partnered with him at a conference. I was blown away and wanted to know more. After having dinner together, I was solidly interested. I wrote about it in the story “Twin Flame: Fact or Fiction??” I have been unsuccessful at being VolvoNorway100% convinced that we will not see each other again. I consciously did not feel this trip was related to my interest in my first Norwegian friend. In the end, I could not help but inform him that I had booked the trip. He was so kind as to recommend a nice route to see Norway. I took that route…of course. And he found himself in Asia for the duration of the time I was there. There was nothing to indicate that we would have seen each other had it been otherwise.

Another large factor in my Norwegian curiosity comes from my therapist. She was raised in Switzerland and worked for a couple of years in Norway. Following my sharing the above experiences with her, she informed me the people of Norway DSC_0022are the most psychic she had ever connected to. She has worked and traveled the world so this struck me. She recounted that the people were very attached to telepathic communication. Oooooh, more psychic, hey? What is that about? She had also noticed that culturally they appear to have a belief system that going deep is a sought after experience. This kind of thing piques my curiosity.

May 2013, I received a Facebook friend request from a stranger from Norway. This was not the first time to receive a random friend request. My routine has always been to wonder how a person came to be aware of me. Nothing clear arose at first but over time I note that a Norwegian woman who chose to follow me on Facebook shared one of my posts one fine day. This woman was Norwegian

Oslo Architecture

Oslo Architecture

friend #2’s Facebook friend. He looked to be in his 20’s. Turned out the picture was out of date. He was in his 30’s. As I have nearly always done, I accepted the friend. I was just a wee bit more interested because he was from Norway. What can I learn here? It did not take long to see that I responded to his Facebook posts more than most other of my Facebook friends. He shared interest in metaphysical/spiritual topics. I liked his taste in music. He invited me to other Facebook pages he authored. Short version of the story is we became friends. Facebook chats occurred regularly. We found ourselves sharing more personally than I do with many friends. He entered into the close friend circle…and I have never met him face to face. I always had said about Norwegian friend #1, “I could never have fallen for him had I not met him personally.” OK, now I have to eat those words. This new close friend took on a romantic flavor.  I wrote about it in the story “Never Say Never”, will be published when inspiration strikes. There was a short time where we were both excited about meeting up somewhere in the world. Well authenticity rules. He started connecting with a local woman. I truly appreciated his honesty. The friendship needed DSC_0038to transform. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Isn’t that what they say? As much as I was a little disappointed, I could not deny what was true. Had I met someone local, I certainly would have explored it. Not really sure what hope our international connection had in the long run anyway. But here I was. So few men catching my eye and 2 out of 3 come from one specific country…far, far away. When I decided to visit, I had no expectations from my new friend…but I let him know I was coming. He reflexly responded that we should meetup. OK. My thinking was that if in the off chance his new romance found itself on the rocks during my visit, that could prove interesting. With my 3 year dry spell since my separation, this was the closest I had come to connecting with someone. As strange as it seemed, and unlikely, connecting with this friend did push my timeline to now for the visit Norway urge that had returned again and again.

I add  January 9, 2014:
Norwegian friend #1 today shares this link:  “25 Reasons Why Norway is the Greatest Place on Earth”.

See, I am not the only one! I feel that I have a gift for recognizing truth. Through various ways, I detected something about Norway that needed to be experienced. It was an amazing synchronicity that my friend posted this link when he did. I had just hung up the phone with my Norwegian friend #3 who lives in Calgary. We met at the end of October in Sedona, Arizona – shortly following my trip to Norway. We hit it off and vowed to stay in touch. We had just talked for nearly an hour on the phone. She was thinking of me and wanted

Vinternatt i fjellene

Vinternatt i fjellene

to send me the link to the Huffington post article which she had read the day prior. We had planned to do the Birkebeiner:  history is from (…wait for it…Norway) together this year here in Edmonton! Doing some version of the Berkebeiner has been on my Bucket List for years.  My brother’s annual tradition had inspired me. This could be the year, weather permitting. It seems even more authentic doing it alongside an authentic Norwegian couple…

Weather did not permit.  The Norwegian couple and I did not do the ski.  It was very cold, minus 20 something.  My brother, and many other avid skiiers, defied mother nature and went ahead with the slightly shorter version:  48 km instead of 55km.  Only in Edmonton.  Me bro is pretty macho.  I am in awe.  Even the Norwegians thought it was too cold.  Pretty funny.

I had long anticipated meeting what I had been calling my favorite teacher, Panache Desai, in a full day workshop early November, 2013. Well I laughed when seated beside me was a sexy, Norwegian man, friend #3’s husband. Maybe I had even wished for that.  What are the chances, really? I took it as a fun synchronicity. The three of us had dinner together later that night. I fessed up with my Norway fetish. So she thought of me right away upon seeing the article. I accept and embrace that….I have a thing for Norway.

Immediately following the trip, my biggest answer to Why Norway and why now? Was to experience the energy of Molde. I have nicknamed Molde the Machu Picchu of Norway. I visited Machu Picchu June 2013 so I would know.  Ha ha. Molde is a beautiful site with 222 mountain peaks fully surrounding the town on the shores of the Fjord – a long narrow arm of the sea bordered by cliffs.

On the Road to Molde, Norway

On the Road to Molde, Norway

The energy was sublime… I thoroughly enjoyed a short

hike one of the days wearing my newly acquired Helly DSC_0108Hanson Indigo winter coat. I saw so many people in Oslo wearing the brightly colored sporty jackets produced by the Norwegian company.  I just had to have one. I rarely shop when traveling unless it is super convenient – like I trip over a vendor or something. I knew it was DSC_0101meant to be when the first thing I spotted out of my hotel room window in Oslo was a Helly Hanson store across the street. Fate had spoken… So funny that within one week of returning home, I see what looks on the outside to be the very same style of winter coat selling at Superstore for $60 Canadian. Well that is a huge differential to the price I paid. Off the top of my head, I do not even recall how much. I filed it into the a lot file. Why pay less, when you can pay more? This is a 1964807_740433195990942_1911005407_nrunning joke between my parenting partner and I – both during and after our marriage. I call myself a pampered pooch. Not that I love to pay more, but I am not overly upset when it works out that way. I love a good sale as much as the next person. I will not go too far out of my way. It is how I roll…

Have to add April 2014: I drove down to Calgary for some face time with Norwegian friend #3 last month. We talked nearly non-stop for 11 hours! Not too many people in this world I can do that with. One of the little pearls of this visit was the line “Victory of Peace”. That is truly the best summary of my visit to Norway. I spent 12 days by myself. I treasured my own company more than I ever had before. I had the Music Therapeutic Driveintention of connecting with people but it just did not happen…and I did not push it. Adored driving my manual transmission Volvo V40 rental car on the mountain roads. Exhilarating! I obtain a lot of peace behind the steering wheel of a car, that is for sure.  One form of meditation.

Kim Possible (I am still a huge fan!) put Norway on the map for me way back.

Say The Word by Kim Possible

I felt invincible when I returned from that trip so this song is quite fitting. I am a big fan of children’s entertainment. Am I repeating myself?

Wrote October 2013

Rules Are Meant To Be Broken

/

IMG_2566A buddy recounted a Traffic Court incident where he successfully fought a parking ticket, out of principal. He fought the law…and he won. Love happy endings!

 

Some rules are meant to be broken:   Why Can’t You Use Your Phone On Planes?

 

Being Angêle, his story brought up a few memories…

 

In my Medical Training, I was sent for two months to train with some small town Family Doctors. You did not necessarily get to choose the town but I lucked out and got Westlock, less than an hour north of Edmonton. I 1959356_544540948986753_174021974_nwas given an apartment to stay in but running back into the city was easy if a reason came up. The best of both worlds. The Docs there were a really nice bunch. They took their task of training a Family Doctor very seriously. A unique experience setup by the Docs to round out the Medical Education was to ride-a-long with a police officer for a shift. You will be glad to know that it was a female officer. Whew! A mindful decision I imagine. Would have been tough if they matched me up with a handsome devil in uniform. Haha. Funny as we were getting to know each other, the topic of my own criminal record came up. Her face dropped. If I had a record, I was not supposed to be allowed to participate in the Ride-a-long program. Whoops! I am honest to a fault, I always say. The police in town just assumed that if I was training to be a Doctor, I would not have a record. If I was anyone else, they would have done a background check on me. It never occurred that I should be ashamed of my wicked past.

 

Back in Junior High, I toyed with shoplifting and was found guilty of fraud. 10154495_10152329612016170_3398211816501194215_nFraud sounds so serious compared to shoplifting but I guess being found guilty of switching pricetags is not quite so impressive sounding. At the time, I felt it was better than shoplifting straight on. I just offered myself a sale price on a pair of sunglasses. Yes, I see now that the logic is not very sturdy. I am a fully reformed fraud offender.  Since then, I am much more likely to give a generous tip… Not that I did not also shoplift straight on. I just did not get caught at that. I would hate to add up how much stuff I took without paying over a several weeks period. Grade 9, should have known better. When my friend and I were charged, we both had a lot of stolen goods in our possession. We were thankful not to feel the full heat of our crimes.

 

The worst thing about that little fraud incident is it happened on my Dad’s Birthday. My mom was a law student so pretty embarrassing for her. I felt like such a schmuck…and I was. My own shame was my punishment. I was so blessed to feel how much my parents loved me.They could see how hard on myself I was about it that they did not punish me further. They understood me. They allowed for my mistake. They continued to trust me. They supported me. My partner in crime continued on with the lifestyle. I entered Grade 10 without my best buddy. I turned my back on my criminal ways right then and there. I chose not to continue the friendship. Within a month I found a Soulmate friend in Grade 10 Physics class. We saw each other from across the room. It was fate… She was by my side from then on, through University and onwards to Medical School.

 

Ironic how things went down in the Courtroom. My friend entered before me. Her case was completed. My case was heard next in line. I entered the courtroom and I guess there was a smirk on my face. Well did I get an earful. The judge did not like me. Not one little bit. He went on and on about how he would like to throw the1175092_553328574732477_2107575864_n book at me, yadda yadda yadda. He specifically said that he would hand down the same punishment as my friend received despite his desire to give me something harsher.  Nice sentiment.  I was found guilty of fraud.  Penalty:  admonishment.  That is the word he used. I was fascinated by this extra long word. What did it mean? I asked my mom on the way home. It means a good talking to. Don’t do it again.  Dictionary.com defines it as to reprove or scold, especially in a mild and good-willed manner. My mom was sticking up for me even then. She said that I tend to smirk when I am nervous. The judge interpreted that I did not take the proceedings seriously.  She went on to reassure me that the judge just wants to scare the shit out of me so that I will not return. Most teenagers in front of him, he will see again. He is trying to do me a favor. Gotta love my mom.

 

When I was getting into so much trouble at school in Grade 8, she was so bold as to say that if I was a boy, there would be no problem. But since I am a girl, the same behavior was not tolerated. Interesting… Kind of went along with the fact that I was sent frequently to see the Vice Principal for misbehavior of various sorts. He would just shoot the breeze with me and ask me to try to stay out of trouble. He was an Angèle supporter. I always seemed to have lots of those. My Grade 8 teacher thought I was a psychopath. One teacher’s psychopath is another teacher’s talkative and disruptive. I was tested and found to be “gifted”. Ha ha. It meant very little but it got that teacher off my case. Rebel without a cause.

 

Getting back to my ride-a-long. It was actually pretty boring. The officer loved looking for dark tinted windows. I guess she needs to find something to do to justify her job. Many warnings and tickets for dark 1656164_10151918513791905_452896487_nwindows were handed out that night. Rural Alberta is known for a high percentage of pickup trucks on the road. If they want to tint their windows, it ends up being the driver’s windows. The law allowed for only the most minimal tint. Was the town safer as a result? Your guess is as good as mine. We spent some time on the highway with the radar. The biggest surprise to me was that nobody talked back to the police officer. I have heard it said that French people are passionate. Well in my family, I had witnessed many a traffic ticket handed down. It generally was responded to with passion. It was always accompanied by backtalk – big or small. I discussed this with the police officer. She felt that talking back was quite rare. Really?? I was educated. It felt weird to discover my upbringing was not typical in this regard. I just assumed everybody talked back since my family did. We actually enjoyed the retelling of some of those incidents over dinner. A good laugh.

 

I was reminded of the prior ticket I had received. It was actually following an Ambulance ride-a-long. No boredom there. Lots of action. Fun fact from that ride was that the Firemen arrived first on the scene to most 1613902_768402486538088_8268093650559759775_ncalls for an ambulance. There were more of them so almost always arrived first. It was an amazing experience. I was with them from 10pm to 6am. I was driving home, a little tired by then. Motivated to get into bed. A major intersection near the Ambulance Main Station was 107 Avenue and 109 Street. I was traveling west on 107. I am reminded when I see the sign that I am not allowed to turn left onto 109 Street. Instant thought: it is late. It does no harm. There is only one car on the road right now way in the distance. I can see the headlights blazing. 426506_361986670498701_1031304605_nI turn. Home sweet home, here I come. Well those headlights belonged to a police car. Sirens immediately turn on. Really? Well that officer found one passionate girl once he pulled me over. I was having no difficulty expressing myself. I questioned him, “Surely, you have more important work to do right now than pulling me over. There is nobody on the road. Turning at this time of night is not a big deal.” I may have even said that if I were him, I would use my own judgment to determine that this is not a risk to anyone. Of course, I know they are often looking to see who is on the road in the wee hours. Have I been drinking? Or worse? Possibly if I had not been such a hothead, I may not have received a ticket. I have gotten off many tickets since I stopped backtalking. They are just doing their jobs, right? I can be taught. I am a slow learner sometimes.

 

Indignance prompted me to obtain legal counsel...aka talk to my mom. Ha ha. She always supported me.  Even this time she came up with a possible avenue in my case. I wanted to fight the ticket. She said that the sign is clear that left turns are not allowed. It is not one of those where the left turns prohibited only during certain hours. She thought a very weak possibility that she had seen work once was for me to request that the officer be able to pick me out in the courtroom. I forget the exact details but my mom would represent me (pretty funny)

Public Service Announcement

and I  would sit in the courtroom and see if he could pick me out.  Often just by showing up, you at least get a reduction in your fine.  Ooooo. The big day came. I am likely the only one in Traffic Court with a Lawyer in tow. As I entered I looked around me. My hopes shriveled as I saw that I was the only one in my age range. Oh oh. Funnier still was when the officer was informed of the jist of the case. His eyes got wide and he came right up to me and said, “There she is. I will never forget those eyes.” He went on to explain that my performance that night was pretty memorable. He likely would have picked me out in a restaurant. I was never sure if he meant he thought I was hot or a hothead. Maybe both.

I Fought The Law And The Law Won by Green Day.    Gotta laugh.  Love collecting experiences…

Over the years, I have even gone to court just for the fun of it.  The days before reality television.  Always an education. And to see my mom in action. She is and was so cool.

 

All in all:  a pretty short rap sheet…

 

Started May 21, 2014

 

P.S. – Had a drink with three other ladies last night. It was fun to share our rap sheet stories. Therapeutic value for crimes big and small. Secrets are bad for your health.

Skeletons in the closet of all varieties need to see the light of day. You don’t need to share with everyone but you should find an appropriate person. Don’t wait for your deathbed. I met a Beautiful Spirit yesterday who has spent decades in elder and palliative care. I was shocked at some of her stories. Lots of people, especially men, are carrying some pretty heavy loads around. She often heard the therapeutic share of men with their dying breaths. Peaceful once they had offloaded.

 

Sharing your stories is fantastic for your health. I would even go so far as to say essential.

 

Listen to me now. Believe me later.