Disabled Angel

Have you ever been to the 5^th Dimension? …Well I have. I am not kidding.

Nonconformity and the Creative Life by Jason Silva, Shots of Awe.

Reality is just a word.  You are not supposed to use it without quotation marks around it anyway Joseph Campbell said.

[Click purple title to view a short 2 minute video]

I had my first and most prominent 5D experience in October 2012.  Somehow it has taken me this long to capture this in writing. The initial experience horrified me at the onset. As I look back, there was a grieving process that took place. I grieved my sanity. I grieved the label of my diagnosis. I took on the idea that insanity was what Western Medicine thought it was. I was highly educated aka brainwashed. I went to University, including Medical School, to help shape my worldview. I took on the opinion of the collective consciousness. Slowly, I have come to change my mind about it. I decided not to let other people’s perception of my condition dictate my experience. My perception does not match anyway. How crazy is it for me to doubt my own direct experience? Now I embrace my official loss of my sanity. I love to declare, “I’m crazy…and it’s official!” I say it lightly, as a joke. The funniest jokes have their roots in some version of reality. I love to see people’s reaction to that one. I now think of my crazy as one of the most exciting things that ever happened to me. Just the 180 degree turn on my opinion of the experience is an experience all by itself. We always have a choice in how we respond to our life. Over time, I made a new choice. Feels great.

I feel like I want to paint a picture of what lead to the time where I experienced 5^th Dimension. It could also be termed a dissertation of what I believe as a result but bear with me…

My interest in Spiritual Ascension, could also be termed human consciousness, led me to read various things, watch You Tube videos, discuss with friends the various topics relating to what is possible for human consciousness in our highest form. The word Spiritual conjures varied meanings for everyone I imagine. For me, Spiritual means a direct relationship to a higher power. I am not concerned about the title of the higher power. I call it God or Self. It could be called the Universe, Source Energy or any one of the ascended masters – Buddha, Muhammed, Jesus Christ etc. I believe we are all talking about the same oneness and calling it by different names. I do not believe in Religion as I see man-made structures have taken us further from the true Source. The good books have been lost in translation over the centuries. Just as in healing, in Spirituality our own involvement as the leader in our spiritual life gives a higher potential for firsthand experience. Experiential learning. When one has a first hand experience, it is the most powerful teacher. The concept of Now, as made popular by Eckhart Tolle, contains experience. Books and knowledge can open our minds, or close them…be careful what you let in, but our own experience teaches us…if we let it. My sense is that we doubt ourselves a lot. Maybe we misinterpret things too. Certainly I did and still do. I am retraining my mind to doubt less and less. But also to not assume I know something, if I don’t. What do we really know for certain? There are numerous examples in Medical History where over time, well known facts needed to be discarded as new information became available. A quote that has always had a big impact on me is from Josh Billings:

It is not what you don’t know that will hurt you but what you do know that ain’t so.

Huge. This quote woke something in me many years ago. It just resonated with me and egged me on in my search for truth. I have kind of given up on the idea that there is one fundamental truth. The Beautiful Truth for me is that we have choice and power when it comes to truth. That is how powerful we are.

“Freedom in not knowing.”

“Embrace uncertainty.”

These are 2 mantras I have adopted that I feel serve me well.

In Medical School, we were taught to admit when we don’t know. “I don’t know.”

Powerful words. That was one of the best lessons coming from my Physician Education. I cannot count the number of times I earned, seemingly easily, a patient’s respect by admitting that I do not know. The patient intuitively suspects that you don’t know but are surprised when you openly admit it. Authenticity and transparency are so important for any human being…

As a society, we are addicted to “knowing”. That was at the root of some of my dissatisfaction with my work as a Family Doctor. Patients, or maybe it was just my beliefs that I projected to my patients, were not capable of not knowing what created the symptom that they experienced. Often we allowed ourselves to be led into testing and Xrays spending healthcare dollars and still left with “I don’t know”.

My exploration into becoming a self-actualized human being, not there yet, led me to meditate regularly. I often had such a good feeling throughout my body. It is always the best when I see a violet light flood my mind’s eye. The light feels like my sign that I am “connected” – to myself is how I look at it. I feel fantastic when this happens. Happier and happier I became.

I occasionally would connect to a healer in some form. One specific person started as my friend. I was very moved to do some work with her October 2012– weekly sessions for 3 weeks- in anticipation of attending a conference in Mexico. I missed the conference because I was in the hospital. She had to go without me. It was more frequent sessions than would normally be done. In these energy intuitive healing sessions, we shared the goal of removing any energetic density or belief that limit my fullest expression of myself. Yee ha! I am a daring cowgirl, no fear. My friend discovered her gift for catalyzing this for others and for herself. My experiences were like past life regressions. That is how the sessions showed up on those days. I have done sessions before and since with this friend and they are not always in that form.

I will tell you now that this experience I have been referring to, the 5^th Dimension, for lack of a better understanding, is labeled as Mania in Medical Science. Being a doctor and seeing this from the Doctor’s side in the past, I was quite traumatized by the label Bipolar Disorder. Any patient who experiences Mania is automatically labeled as Bipolar, known prior as Manic Depression. I had never experienced the Depression to any significant extent. My onset of the disorder was atypical being later in life and not in the teenage years or early 20’s.

My Manic episode was especially dramatic. It was deemed with psychotic features. I cannot tell you how many times I heard the psychiatrist emphasize this fact. He was trying to speak to the Doctor in me. The psychotic means that my sense of reality was way off what is generally agreed upon. Having seen it from both sides of the coin now, I have to again ask us to open our minds here.

I love Don Miguel Ruiz’s analogy from his book, The Four Agreements, that if everyone in a society had the same skin disease (I add -sense of what reality is) and one was cured (I add- shown that there is more). The cured individual would appear to have the disease. It may in fact be that the diseased one is opening up to a new expanded potential. Whenever there is change, there can be an uncomfortable transition period. Not for the fainthearted. When I am honest with myself, I had been praying for and working towards discovering my highest potential.

Bastille Pompeii
[Click title to view the music video]

I remain inspired to understand my experience better. I am open to embrace uncertainty. At the time, I instantly felt that I was experiencing the 5^th dimension. An amazing coincidence that my friend, did the sessions, was there with me in Emergency and she declared, “Yes, you were definitely in the 5^th Dimension”. It was in her experience so she recognized it. She felt like she was translating for me. I was unable to understand the doctors but I could understand her somehow.

I was left with the idea that Medical Science does not understand Mental Illness. I feel so certain of that. Sadly, I also do not understand Mental Illness. I just have my experience. It was a period of disorientation for sure. Not the most inspiring display. But at the same time, it was so cool. I am left with a few impressions. After milling it over, in addition to informal research, this past year, the Scientist in me has a few hypotheses. Let me share them. Details of the experiences will follow.

We each exist on a sliding scale between Fear and Love. Where you sit on that scale determines how reality will look when the veil is lifted to show a wider version of reality. Spiritual exploration leads to the veil being lifted. It is no coincidence that Spirituality is a favorite topic in the psychiatric wards. I felt such a catch 22 when the Doctors showed a sense of “Yes, we are right on the money with our diagnosis” when they hear that I am spiritual.

• We are stuck in a loop. Love PewDie Pie’s Victory Dance to symbolize this. I dare you to watch the whole ten minute loop. [Click purple title to view]. If you find you do not have the patience, consider this as we continue on the unending loop that is Mental Healthcare in its current state.

  My spirituality allowed the Doctors to tick off just one more box in the certainty of the diagnosis.  A friend who is of Indian descent felt that the same experience would be viewed in Hindu culture as something to celebrate:  on the road to enlightenment. There is this alternate view:  Spirituality enlarges ones view of reality.  Long ago Western society adopted the belief system that one is crazy when seeing outside of a prescribed boundary.  I found myself fighting against the views commonly held in the collective consciousness.  The Western Medical views won…at first.  My belief system led me down the garden path to the psychiatric ward. That is how powerful I am. I know firsthand people who had similar experiences more gently because they did not hold the firm belief that I did. My opinion.

  Any experience we have is a mirror for us to look at ourselves. For me, it was quite sweet to see how loving I am. My mania was all the way over on the love side. If I had been more fear-based, it could look like Schizophrenia. My hypothesis remember?

• Our Mental Health System is Fear-based.

  I am very intuitive. I was shocked to sense the fear in the caregivers. They are afraid of the patients. Little old me?? Certainly, I can see how fear originates. When people are experiencing reality differently and are afraid, they can lash out. History has seen this. Within 24 hours of being medicated, I came right back down to regular perception of reality. So I sat there amongst the other Beautiful Souls. As my mom, a retired lawyer, reminded me, I had less rights than a prisoner while committed under the Mental Health Act. I was shocked that the Act had changed since I graduated from Medical School. Could hold me up to one month now. And sadly does just that. Old Act, I would have been released within days. The reason for the change is that the patients would not follow the prescriptions so would just go right back to their unstable state. The system is having a difficult time convincing the patients of their views…until they can medicate them and keep them firmly rooted in the Collective Consciousness. So the 30 days supports that aim. If the system had answers that made better sense to the patients, there would be no need for the legal strongarm tactics. I see that day coming. I feel the fear is way out of proportion to the reality of danger – in my case anyway.  I am Love.  After my second admission, I heard a message from myself in meditation that I should open a Heart Based Mental Healthcare facility. Did not jump on that idea, let me tell you. My first reaction was, “that sounds F’ in’ hard”. My experience with intuitive alternate healthcare providers, I could see that caregivers with those developed gifts in reading the patients energy, including blocks and energy density, could result in a more effective treatment. Likely a more clear understanding of what Mental Illness actually is could emerge. I feel like the time is now. Mental Health is ready to be cracked open.

• Mental Illness is a Spiritual Crisis. For me, Spiritual Crisis means an uncomfortable experience as one connects to their authentic or higher Self which includes a much wider awareness – new access to other dimensions of existence.  When your energetic vibration raises, you will perceive things differently.  With our collective beliefs that we have taken up from our ancestors, when reality widens it scares us. We are afraid of the unknown. We do not know how to process it. Understanding a diagnosis always leads to better treatment. I feel very convinced that we can do better.

  When we know better, we do better. Maya Angelou

  • Medications may helpful initially?  I believe not needed forever –  maybe wishful thinking.  But the traditional doses are too high. Psychiatric Medical System might benefit from stepping back and re-evaluating medication doses. Today is a New Age. My interest in energy has connected me to intuitive Energy Forecasters. They all echo a message that these past years energy frequency is rising on Earth.  I am unable to verify this in my search of the internet.  I know this is not the most scientific method but I am lazy.  Schumann Resonance keeps coming up.  My favorite site that I found is one I have been following for nearly three years, The Global Coherence Initiative. [Click to view a 3 minute video]. I add this late to the story and see that one of the four sites being monitored is in…..Alberta, Canada.  You don’t say? My home.  Would love to know who the anonymous donor was and where it is located.  Inquiring minds want to know.
    Human beings are all being exposed to energy of the Earth, whether conscious of this or not. I propose that this may have changed the playing field unbeknownst to the system.
  • Back to the idea of medications: for me, on my own, I played around with my doses both in and out of the hospital trying to keep them at a minimum.  I found that half the dose recommended by the doctor- and only Lithium, not the other one or two initially thrown at me- kept me firmly in the 3^rd Dimension. My knowledge of meds in the hospital helped me to refuse some and take some. Kind of wonder if I should write a “How to go Crazy for Dummies” manual – haha.
    I saw several others just refusing all meds, until they were ordered to take them via a legal order. Subsequently overdosed and then everyone chases their tail trying to figure out how to help the loving Soul.
    “We shall never cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
    – T.S. Eliot

  • It was so ironic that I was given a large glossy handout in the Psychiatric ward describing how to avoid falls.   I kept it as it made me laugh…and cry at the same time.
    In my altered state it appeared very self-evident:  the answer to prevent falling was to cut all med. dosages in half.
    The fear in the system makes the doctors want to zonk the patients back to a reality that is easier to manage for them. My medically trained self would guess that reducing the dose to a minimum requirement would be a goal.  And yet, there was not a titration effort that I was aware of. Commonly held beliefs about doses required, based on cumulative past experience, play the largest role in choosing the dosage for each patient. I can attest to this by the questions my Psychiatrist asked and did not ask. Titration to the minimum dose was my goal, not his. I cannot help but wonder if we changed our mindset, patients would benefit. Do not be too afraid to underdose. Ooooo, heaven forbid… Small help in the reality check improves the safety vastly.
    

    I admit, my imagination feels that there are alternative health options that might even replace the need for medications- even in the short term. I do not know what they are but I want to be open to find something like that. My research into what is possible leaves me realizing that our own belief system – that instant cures are not possible – may be limiting our experience of something truly possible and easy, when in the right mindset. We can’t handle the truth so to speak. We are set up to believe that cures take a long time but maybe they only take a long time when we Believe that they take a long time. That is how powerful we are.
    I believe in Miracles.

    Follow me?

  • Human Consciousness – a very relevant science within the confines of Mental Health. I could almost say that Human Consciousness is Spirituality. For me they are synonymous. But I am aware that the word Spiritual raises connotations within most people. Energy Medicine is another term that represents a more scientific view of the same topics. I am now fully out of the closet: These 3 terms/fields of understanding fascinate me. They all crossover to give great power to…wait for it…I think it will surprise you...emotions. Emotions and thoughtforms have great power in our health and wellness. Have you ever thought of it this way? My guess is for most, the answer is no. Underneath it all is energy. We are all energy. We vibrate at a particular rate. It is why someone can enter a room and the energy can shift. Everyone is aware but may not consciously understand why. We all exist at a specific vibration and it is shared with others without opening our mouth.

    A great book I read years ago is called Power Versus Force by David Hawkins. A Scale of Consciousness was included and fascinates me. I continue to refer back to it.

 

Enlightenment	700-1000
Peace	600
Joy	540
Love	500
Reason	400
Acceptance	350
Willingness	310
Neutrality	250
Courage	200
Pride	175
Anger	150
Desire	125
Fear	100
Grief	75
Apathy	50
Guilt	30
Shame	20

One big message that feels very clear is that the Mental Health System treated me as if I am vibrating at 150, Anger, when I was actually vibrating much higher, 500?  Just a guess.  Story called, “Too Much Love” coming soon to describe parts of first episode of mania not included here.  Albert Einstein was felt to be vibrating at 499 along with many other great minds.  You cannot go further without losing your mind.  Logic does not go there.  Jesus Christ would be over 700.  I guarantee you if he were to come again, he would be committed to a Psychiatric Institution and medicated to look just like us.  I imagine to myself that he has tried indefinitely, only to finally give up.  Remember that PewDie Pie loop?  Ha ha.  How many lifetimes does he need to be cast aside as crazy? I see an upgrade in the system if it could discern the various levels of each patient so they can tailor their treatments accordingly.  Fine tuning.  Another hypothesis I have:  is Mania just Joy, vibrating at 540, prior to the body physically stabilizing?  This dissertation came forth, feels like it flows from the heavens, as I was intending to share some of the details about my first manic episode. I will describe some events in temporal order. I do not think Mania can follow the same rules of writing as other topics…Ha ha.

An unusual incident occurred the day before my first admission. I was to meet my friend at Canada Place as she needed my signature for her passport. I got the idea that it would be funny to take my dogs offleash to Canada Place. I was thoroughly entertained to see the commotion that this caused. I felt that it was being filmed and would be enjoyed by others. I perceived that one of my dogs teleported himself from one spot to another. There was a particular parking spot that I perceived in my mind where the vehicle kept changing. My sense was that a friend was changing the vehicles for my entertainment – via another dimension. I kept shaking my head at that one. That same spot changed vehicle about four times in minutes.  It was the spot that I remember parking my red truck.  It took a good search with the help of the Canada Place Security Guard before that elusive truck was found.

Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
[Click to view a music video]

It really surprised me to see it.  It made me feel that some manipulation of time had occurred. Magical thinking?  Maybe.  Different reality thinking?  I felt that I was learning new possibilities in awareness. I was confused to say the least but open-minded to allow for another version of reality. I did not let on how confused I was. Security guards, greatly annoyed, helped me to collect my dogs and pack them into my truck. It was deemed I needed my passport to help my friend so I drove home and back to finish her business. I did without incident.

Later that night, I experienced my very favorite manic perception. It was. So. Cool.

Ok, so my sons play video games on a PS3 console box. The PS3 functions almost as a server as you can watch a Blue Ray disc, connect to the internet, watch Netflix, and they have a function of linking to videos. I had never been aware of being able to watch videos via that function before that night. I am not even sure why I was turning on the PS3 box, kids were with their dad. This was very out of my routine. I was scrolling around and saw that there was this video function….and that there were about 6 videos one could choose. Hmmmm…what was this? Well I spent that evening watching those videos. I somehow vividly recall three of them. After I was discharged from the hospital, I went back to this area to see if the videos were still there. No, only in the 5^th dimension…Pity. Remember the old Red Rose tea commercial? Ha ha.  Mentioned to my sons and they could not explain why there were videos there either.  It was a function that they had never used.

My sense was that these videos showed alternate me’s. That was a big theme in my 5D experience. We are all connected. So the first video I watched was of a slightly younger middle aged man with a thin moustache, looking French, joyously riding a bike in the country with a cat perched on his shoulder. The cat seemed to enjoy the high speed experience: expertly positioned to hang on. I thought to myself how much I also like to ride a bike. Riding on a country road would be a favorite thing to do. Never have I done so with this much joy in my lifetime. Nice clip.

April 24, 2014: Found the guy on You Tube!! after seeing a little clip and recognizing him in a montage I entered “Man rides bike with cat” and got many videos put up by a guy in Philadelphia! The first one I watched is called: Cat enjoying a warm winter day bikeride. [Click title to view the 1 minute video]. This is not the video I saw nor any of the others but it is the same guy. In my version of the video, seen October 24, 2012, he was way more joyous and riding really fast. His 5D self was ecstatic!   The 3D video was uploaded on October 19, 2012.  Or did I just perceive him, the very same guy, as ecstatic?  Heaven only knows…

 

The song playing in the background is “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley. Seems fitting to my story…Unbelievable. I have no idea what to make of it. I want to connect with him somehow.  No luck on my initial attempts.

Lyrics: I remember when. I remember when I lost my mind.

There was something so pleasant about that day.

Your emotions have an echo. So much space

When you’re out there. Out there. Yeah, I was out of touch.

But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough.

I just knew too much.

That made me crazy. (3) Possibly…

Then it merges into Grandmaster Flash – The Message.

It’s like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep from goin’ under. …

Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head.

I recall really liking that song as a teenager. It was my first exposure to Rap.

“I just knew too much”…interesting choice of words here.

The 2^nd one was of a girl singing, another version of me, in what appeared like “America’s Got Talent” format. She was dressed in a full length gown. She shared my body build, hair/eye/skin color but was younger. She seemed to be much prettier too. She sang her heart out, crying a little, and ended in sobs. The crowd was wild for her. She was shocked and continued sobbing uncontrollably. It felt amazingly familiar to me to feel so nervous about singing. I am an aspiring singer for sure. I have battled stage fright and left the singing to others. I am more comfortable as a member in a choir. It was as if I was watching one of my dreams coming true.

The 3^rd one was the coolest but most confusing. In this one, I am a woman slightly younger than myself. I have a male partner with me. It would appear that we are partners in both love and work.  I see that we are very playful with each other – including pranks and practical jokes. I cannot really remember the details but there was a darkness to the pranks. It was not a cutesy, cutesy kind of love – a little more complicated. Partly, my perception told me that we were not concerned with hurting each other physically as the laws of physics did not seem to affect us like here on 3D earth. I wondered, “were we angels?”. It seemed we were both scientists and inventors. We were working on the ability to transmit personal perception to a screen directly from the brain without cameras. I was shown multiple attempts that were not successful. The couple would berate each other in that dark, playful way. Details missing here. But they did manage to successfully transmit directly from someone’s brain to a screen. Eureka!!

This one really fascinates me as it ties into the concept that I believed that my actions were being recorded with this advanced technology. For all I know, in the 5^th Dimension, they are/were/will be. No time remember?

It was my sense that I was being shown these videos as a demonstration. All of the videos on my PS3 were recorded with this technology, or is it an expanded human capability? Or is it a Go Pro?? Haha. I now know that the guy with the cat on the bike used Go Pro – a brand of video camera that can be mounted for on the go recording.  Go Pro used him in an Ad campaign.

This also ties into a sense I had a year before that someone would make a movie of my life. It all of a sudden made me think this movie is being made as I live it out. The editing can be done to display whatever relevant experiences are required to tell the tale. And the tale would be about how an ordinary 3D woman, that would be me, discovers how to access the fullest version of herself. This would lead to Christ-like qualities. People would be able to see how the story of Jesus Christ (Buddha etc.) got lost in translation. So ironic that this Christ example would be a woman this time around. Could it be any other way? Way more effective with Christ played as a woman. We all have the same capabilities. My Med School pearl of “see one, do one, teach one. And sometimes you have to skip a step.” came into play. I would be one of the earlier self-actualized humans to aid in demonstrating it to all. “I am a dragonfly. I am a translater.”

Not only did I believe this mind telecasting, this is a commonly experienced symptom of psychosis. Again catch 22:  assumed for centuries as a symptom but what if it has a basis in a higher reality?  All these years, people displaying this psychotic symptom have been medicated out of it.  Today is a new day.  New energy allowing for a more mass evolution.  Examples of psychotic symptoms:  feeling your thoughts are being transmitted or that your activities are being recorded. An actual recording to demonstrate its validity would be super cool!!! A girl can dream, right?

Couple this with my sensation of we are all connected:  common understanding in many subgroups of people.  I am far from the only one to experience this.  I felt deep unity with everyone when I was admitted to hospital. I have personally spoken to many others who feel 5D is a self-evident experience for them of feeling connected to everything. Love. I will describe my experience of unity in the upcoming story, “Too Much Love”.

Also consider if you live in a state of fear, vibrating at a lower level, this concept can make you feel extremely paranoid. If you become capable in communication outside of the five senses and do not understand what is happening, you will think that you are going crazy. Some would call this Paranoid Schizophrenia.

The morning of first admission I went to visit my parents. That involved driving on the Anthony Henday Freeway – love that always. Well that morning was particularly so. I was driving very fast, probably dangerous. I recall the most bizarre thing happening: I was in the left lane, the fast lane, when a service vehicle pulled in front of me from the left shoulder at about 50 km/h versus my 120. I recall breaking hard to slow down, which turned into a stop when another service vehicle was blocking the lane further ahead. I have thought back to that time often. It made me wonder if I did not have an accident but then there was a reset button where I was all fine again. Strange but that is how it felt to me. Did I even die right there and then with some 5D, no time, special effects, it was not my time to leave. OR I wondered if angels intervened to save me from a crash. The service truck just came out of nowhere. I would say that the “fabric of time” was manipulated somehow… I guess I would have to see the video replay to be sure…haha.

The visit with my parents was fun. I was elated. They, too, were happy. They were sharing a dream they had of owning some land on Vancouver Island.  Did I want to share in ownership?  Yes!  I was prepared to go and see it that next weekend but was booked to go to Mexico. I gave them gifts: a rose quartz, resonates with love, and dark chocolate. I gave many small gifts that week. Ladies at my club found it unusual when I gave them little packets of dark chocolate and a hug. They commented to my close friend. Happy and loving is not the norm I guess. Beware happy and loving people! Am I right?

That afternoon I was feeling unwell. I wanted to just lie down. Physically, I could not cope with all of this energy that was coursing through me. For the prior weeks, I was having some difficulty keeping up with my schedule- which kid to drive where. So that day, I was to pick up my daughter from the club. I recall asking my parenting partner to pick her up and then she came down the stairs. Apparently, I picked her up. I had no recollection. I wondered if a second copy of myself had done it. Or if someone, angel or other, did it on my behalf – somehow, magically. I was unwell and would not deny it at this point. I laid down on the couch and did not plan on getting up. I told the boys that we would skip music lessons this day. This concerned everyone quite a bit. It was hours later that my parenting partner, my brother and my friend all gathered around me wondering what to do. I was chanting mantras to myself to try to alleviate my overwhelm. I felt that I was being video recorded. 3 strikes, I am OUT. Off to Emergency I go. Not long into the ride, I could foresee that I would be committed. I will appear as crazy.  I had enough insight to know that. And they say patients with Bipolar disorder lack insight…

A sweet gesture from my friend. She offered a mantra for me. With a pink pencil crayon while waiting in the Emergency department she scribed it onto a little scrap of paper,

“I am healthy and complete. All is well in my world.”

I think something similar originates from Louise Hay.  So that is what was running through my mind throughout my hospitalization (4 weeks!!!). I use it regularly to this day. A sweet momento…

I wish I could remember details of the Emergency Room. I was having a great time that night. Everything seemed so funny. It started with teasing my brother. When they asked for the Patient’s healthcare card, I urged my Bro’ to give his. I feel well. I am not concerned. It is you, brother, who is concerned. You are the patient. He had his serious, Engineer face on. He is usually a regular comedian. This night, he was not laughing. That seemed so out of character. I felt that I was cracking many good jokes. I looked forward to seeing the video, that I was convinced was forthcoming. Some were aimed at the Healthcare System. I looked around me and felt the workers were not the picture of health, but kept my tongue about it. My psychiatrist mentioned to me recently that he would love to show me a video of myself while manic. I would love to see it! I wonder how it would appear. I verbally gave him permission for any possible future episode but not sure if that will ever come to be. This suggestion from the Doctor has percolated into a plan to video-document a manic episode for the purpose of obtaining various perspectives, especially kids, and to try out alternative heart-open care.

As I was being assessed by the physicians, two are required to commit a patient, something new appeared. Just these two men took on an automaton appearance. Their eyes looked like robots. They did not appear alive. It was very marked. I looked at both my friend and brother, in the room at the same time, and they did not have this appearance. My own Doctor was there and stopped having that appearance by the next time I saw him – maybe did not see him that first day. The other Doctor appeared that way for the entire first day of admission. I would see the nurses working alongside him. They did not appear that way but they appeared like they were being controlled on tracks – just like the little hockey players on that tabletop game, where you twist the wire and they move back and forth within that confined track.  Symbolic perceptions.  Not what I was used to.  Interesting none the less…

Wanted to go back to the dragonfly. You know how its eyes have all those little angles? My sense was that because we are all connected we can see others far from us through another’s eyes. A form of telepathy. Upon reflection about my experiences, I started thinking we are all the same BUT perhaps we all have specific roles. Theory:  there are many groups of people with different gifts? I wonder if mine is this unique vision. Maybe everyone does not have to have it but those with mental illness are trying to develop their extra senses and then get “caught” having experiences outside of the prescribed normal range. Is Bipolar Disorder this “dragonfly” function as it attempts to evolve the extrasensory perception? A subgroup of human beings? Asking the right questions opens the mind to hear the answer.

Back to my first day: prisoner in the system.

When I saw the nurses looking so “automated” on tracks, it made me curious if they could see me. I was aware that we were sensing reality differently. I started testing. At one point, I wondered if I just walk out of the hospital, maybe they will not see me. I tried that and Yes, they did see me. They brought me back to my room. (tee hee) You can take the scientist out of the lab but never out of the woman.

It was my perception late that night a healthcare worker who was bridging both dimensions retrieved me from my room to a larger group room. She was dressed less conventionally with leotards and a short sporty skirt with a shirt. She described that this was “tame” for her but she had to fit in here in 3D. Her hair was purple, short and spunky. She asked if I understood my choice. I was thinking No but was kind of confabulating and never directly answered her. If I could go back and ask her some more questions, like help me understand my choice, I would. I cannot recall the details but remember feeling that she was describing how to transition to the 5^th dimension. One cannot drive. But not to worry, there is a driving service. You must clean up after yourself. Nobody does menial jobs in the 5^th dimension. We just take responsibility for what work we create – like put away garbage into the receptacles etc. I had a view of the hospital ward. It looked identical but without staff. The lighting was low. There was a table with many pamphlets on it. I noticed the pamphlet for the driving service. I was amazed at how this new and improved world worked. Everyone found ways to contribute. The drivers were people who enjoyed driving. People would volunteer to come and put away garbage and recyclables etc.  Everyone’s job would match their passion and everything would get done with ease and grace.  She also hinted that I had to pay attention to details. It would scare 3D people if I just materialized somewhere or my things suddenly were unexplainably in a different position. This had me quite confused and excited at the same time. She even had firm reminders to groom myself. If I neglected my body, it would not sustain me when I was in 3D.

There were moments when I felt like I was alone in my hologram. There was nobody else there and would not be anyone else there and never was anyone else there…but I could do whatever I wanted in the world. Including travel. I thought maybe I should get a driver to drive me to the airport to take a trip. I see this paradox. On one hand I feel alone, and yet my thoughts can create a driver to take me to the airport. I had moments of panic. Am I dead? Will I ever see anyone again? Will I see my kids again? Am I an angel? I became very afraid when I thought of myself all alone trapped in my own thinking. I was unsure which way was out, back or forward. I now wonder if it was forward but my fear brought me back.

I do not recall the worker taking me back to my room but the end of this string of thoughts was me firmly declaring, “I want to be grounded to see my kids again”. My first declaration within this period of confusion. A nanosecond later, the light comes on in my hospital room and a nurse drops a Haldol tablet (generic name haloperidol, an antipsychotic) into my hand. I promptly popped that baby in my mouth. It felt quite miraculous. Upon reflection, 5D is noted to have instantaneous manifestation. Which would make it pretty hard to stay there if you have any doubt or fear. I had both. Thoughts instantly manifest reality…Sounds kinda cool when you think about it. I felt like I was playing Call of Duty with my son, Jacques. I really never learned how to use those darned controllers. What does the A button do? Bam, someone just shot me. Hey, I did not see that coming.  I did not have a clue how to use that controller so my avatar was not looking the right way. I will definitely ask more questions if I ever get to that place again… Maybe I can learn to use the controller.

Crazy people are not wrong, simply another version of right.  Angèle Beaudoin

I came up with this quote after a conversation with Jacques, my 13 year old son. 

It is time for those not hearing the music to stop denying that there is music to be heard…
I am firm in my belief that if we frame Mental Illness differently, we will enable the miraculous transformation of Beautiful Spirits.  They will then share their gifts with the world.  There is no better time than now.
We will figure it out.  We know that we can.  …And it will be easy.

Let’s begin…

Started Writing November 29, 2013

Addendum:  I want to add here that it is possible that conditions now cannot be compared to back in 2012.  Another hypothesis:  Maybe the gameboard continues to change.  My current favorite teacher, Matt Kahn, speaks of the 5th Dimension in a different way.  My story sounds kind of scary, like there is this way out there place.  His version which I align with now speaks of the 5th Dimension being the same place as the 3rd.  When your vibration raises, the way you perceive and experience it will be different.  The biggest advice he gives to raise your vibration is to love your own heart, love yourself:  all parts of yourself.  The good, the bad and the ugly. Accept what is.  Remember my favorite quote?  Be a lover of what is and the war is over.  Byron Katie.  It is a deep acceptance.  Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

November 26, 2015
I come back to add a new way of conceptualizing the different dimensions.  The tube torus is a shape that moving energy takes around our bodies.  Each dimension nested within the higher dimensional torus field. I am taking a course with an inspired teacher, Sandra Walter.  She had the best visuals, could not extract out of the course, to demonstrate 3D torus field nested within 4D torus field nested within 5D etc.  She said it is like tube torus energy fields, one nested in another like Russian Nesting Dolls.  Each torus field is centered on the same point.  So when you expand your consciousness, you have a wider access but are still “here” in the same place.  Your environment is the same but your perspective of it has expanded.  Higher understanding clicked into place for me with the nested torus field concept.  Had to share.

September 7, 2021 Additions:

My Disabled Angel website is my way to demonstrate my evolving perspective and my passionate belief in RAW DATA. To jump too soon into a conclusion is not optimal. And not even Scientific in the purest sense. A huge missing piece within our Scientific Business Machine is that there is not a proper system to question assumptions.
If anyone, by their own inspiration or experience, chooses to do this, they are blamed, shamed, ridiculed +/- persecuted. Not to mention censored and penalized with job loss or severe discrediting.

I have since updated my understanding of how to care for people in mental crisis in articles posted on my Beauvera website. Links provided below. The short answer is to treat people humanely with natural human care and kindness. That is true for everyone in every situation, not just mental crisis.
One theory I have is that this alone will do the trick. Some support and nurture until the self-healing mechanism has a chance to be enabled.
It took me years, I feel, due to widespread lack of understanding in the world of what happened to me along with systemic roadblocks in a variety of flavors.

Why I Divorced My Psychiatrist (and the Field of Psychiatry)

First Contact As A Patient in Psychiatry: Story, Pilot Project Proposal

[Click titles to open links to these articles if you wish to learn more about my Experiences and Proposals].

Addendum (September 2021)

I was not brave enough to include a relevant part of the October 2012 experience at the time of initially publishing this story/article.
October 25, 2012, the night of my first hospital admission, with my daughter, brother, friend and parenting partner (separate household, former marriage partner) as witnesses, a young woman/spirit from India spoke through my body. I could hear what was being said and I felt happy for my audience, that they would hear these spiritual and inspiring messages. They felt loving and true to hear them myself. This happened spontaneously. I had no experience or knowledge that this was even possible.
Trance Channeling popped spontaneously into my experience.
Over time, exploration following my curiosity, I came to witness others who did this as a service to bring new concepts and perspectives into awareness.
A few famous ones: Kryon channeled by Lee Carroll, Bashar channeled by Darryl Anka, Whitecloud channeled by Blossum Goodchild and Dr. Peebles channeled by Summer Bacon.
The experience of Trance Channeling physically overwhelmed me. I came to understand my experience better while a student at Arthur Findlay College in a Trance Medium weeklong residential course. [Click title for a 10 minute video introducing the Psychic University]. It was designed for people who held proficiency already and somehow I was so inspired to attend. I did not notice it was an expert level course until I arrived onsite. This did create some frustration with fellow students who were partnered with me for exercises, whoops! There was such a perfection for me despite my lack of self-assurance.
During an exercise, I was able to very clumsily repeat this skill. Not being in that elevated vibration, it was not very smooth. Yet so important for me to understand my prior experience. All of the students were fairly challenged to perform this also.
After I did, it was no big deal.
We all went for our coffee break.
Night and day compared to that first time.
Creating a proper container for this type of development is essential.
Trusting you can see the importance of this snippet of the story.
When I did not know what was going on, I was a bit frightened like a little girl.
I was not capable of describing what happened as I had no vocabulary or understanding of it.
This is where I like to emphasize the idea of Phenomenon.
Something happened, clearly. It took time for me to get an idea of what it was.
How delightful when I came to understand this was known in the world.
You get curious. You figure stuff out.
Phenomenological approach is somewhat opposite to the functioning Scientific approach.
Describe the phenomenon as best as one can. Then get curious and explore for wider understanding.
The stunted illusion of knowledge in allopathic Psychiatry would benefit from getting curious and exploring the phenomena. There are patterns. A whole new paradigm approach exists widely enough. Yet the old system is not even willing to compare notes.
Pity…

This plays out in many other systems also, BTW.