Disabled Angel

 

“What are you going to do?
Everything, is my guess.
It will be a little messy,
but embrace the mess.
It will be complicated,
but rejoice in the complications.”

by Nora Ephron

Counting Stars by One Republic

 

The title of this story is a quote from Gerald May, the author of The Awakened Heart. Found it on Facebook somewhere. It kept popping into my mind over many days. Talking to one of my besties in a one hour phone conversation one fine April day in 2014.  We had not connected for nearly a month. One story led to another. There was that quote again! Definitely the title of a story…

 

The topic of sexual fetishes came up via some connection. We were both educated in the knowledge that a website called “pony play” existed. The website supports a community that have sexual habits outside of the straight and narrow – my world anyway. My mind instantly jumps to “My Little Pony”… Ha ha.

It is this friend who gifted me with a beautiful little pink My Little Pony prior to a trip I took to Paris in May 2012. I have that little sweetie with me whenever I travel.

 

We share in this Universal Truth: Human Beings are Gloriously Messy. We are all the better when we embrace it.

 

Jizz…In My Pants by the Lonely Island. Have compassion people…

 

Breaking Bad. A TV show discovered by my daughter, 16 years old.

I asked her what she likes about the show. She says it is unpredictable, exciting, suspenseful, well written. Over time, she lost interest as there was not a character to root for. She found the characters unlikable. They made bad choices and the direction those choices led them was slightly off of what you would expect.

 

Breaking Bad Intro. Malcolm in the Middle Style

Love the use of the Periodic Table of Elements at the End.

 

I watched the pilot show with Elise and her boyfriend – trailer.  Walter White, main character, says “That’s all of life, right? … It is growth, then decay…then transformation.  It is fascinating really.” Very interesting depiction of human nature. Done epically well! A wacky, yet somehow plausible, storyline showing how the mild mannered teminally diagnosed Walter White, played by Bryan Cranston, transformed his straight and narrow life as a Chemist to a Meth. Lab Owner and Operator.

 

From Malcolm In the Middle to Breaking Bad,  (1:34) what Bryan Cranston, plays Walter White in Breaking Bad, had to say.

 

Joking Bad with Jimmy Fallon

 

Malcolm in the Middle – I have always loved this show. Jean-Luc and Jacques, my 2 sons, approved! I could not find a clip of my favorite hilarious scene from one of the episodes, Lois’s Birthday.  So I taped it myself:  touching clown fight scene from Lois’ Birthday, Season 2:  Episode 3.  Very low tech.  Took two tries.  Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands in this world.  Ha ha. Everyone in the family forgot Lois’ Birthday. In the end, she got the party she wanted: at a batting cage – she is a really talented batter. Somehow the dad gets in a fight with a clown which escalates to include 3 out of the 4 sons. As Lois looks on the mayhem, the chorus to Kenny Rogers “You Decorated My Life” played in the background. She was so touched by the scene with her boys fighting for her. Authenticity Rules! Quite messy….so funny. Maybe you have to know the characters to fully appreciate. The writer’s change it up quite regularly.

 

In the conversation with my pal, I was instantly reminded of a specific patient. Have not thought of him in years. I was working in a walk-in style Family Practice -appointments preferred…always. I somehow landed into a unique working environment compared to most Doctors…but not me! I had my bread and butter practice where I worked part-time in St. Albert. Sad to say, but mostly a yawn. I interacted with the worried well. That got a bit tiresome. I worked at another practice run by a Beautiful Artist/Doctor/Businesswoman. I will always thank the Pharmaceutical Rep. Who informed me of this woman who was always looking for help. She was – and still is – flexible, solution-oriented, creative, funny… OK, I love her. I will stop there. Two of my classmates, friends, work with her now. That is the practice I send people to when they ask for a Family Doctor. They are usually not taking new patients – typical in Edmonton. Her practice was situated on a border between the worried well and an inner city environment. I loved the variation in patients I saw there. I worked so much harder there but it was satisfying. Except when it wasn’t. This practice accepted walk-ins. I had my own patients there but maybe towards 50% were walk-ins. So this specific patient was a walk-in. When you first meet a patient like this, you are never sure whether you will see them again or not. Cannot recall the details. He was on Estrogen

which came up somehow in his visit. It was not his leading complaint but as is so often the case, the leading complaint is a way for the patient to assess the Doctor and decide if they share what their real concern is. My intuition kicked right in for him. I instantly felt a big surge in compassion. His energy was completely unfamiliar to me. I was very curious. What was really going on here? As I pried into his most intimate affairs, Doctor’s perogative, I was left feeling that things were not what they seemed. This case was completely left with all ends loose. I never found out what was going on. I probably saw him 6 or 7 times. Certainly, he appreciated my care and concern. I wanted to understand him. He was receiving prescriptions for Estrogen from another Doctor. My assessment was that he was pretending to be a transsexual. I was never asked to write a script for Estrogen for him. I doubt that I would have. I always wondered about the other Doctor’s assessment of this patient. My intuitive read was (I know, not that helpful) that he had deviant sexual urges that he wanted Estrogen to counteract. By the end, his breasts were larger than mine. I guess that is not saying much, if you know me. I was recently informed by a guy I was on a date with that my biceps were bigger than my breasts. I was offended for a millisecond until I took a look and realized, hey, I think he is right. Truth is Stranger than Fiction. Back to the Patient: His skin was immaculate. He could be a model: very pretty face. One of our last visits together he was requesting a referral to the Plastic Surgeon for breast removal surgery.  Atypical for a transsexual to want his newly formed breasts removed.  It was clear that he suffered with his new development. I was not too keen on referring. It is hard to help someone unless you address the foundational problem. I am honest to a fault. I would have felt obligated to inform the surgeon that I questioned the use of Estrogen in this patient. I was unclear as to the diagnosis that led to Estrogen use. I informed the patient of this. He was evasive. My guess was he was a victim of sexual abuse.  Maybe he was a Pedophile – or something deviant outside of my own experience. I would not tell a Specialist my intuitive guesses. He was such a Beautiful Soul. So shy. He could hardly speak to me. He spoke in whispers. When we do not address the Base Problem but just the Symptoms of the problem we are nearly guaranteed to miss the Solution. My heart cracked a little for him. I felt helpless in my attempts to alleviate his suffering. Maybe I was just a Bad Doctor.  I wanted to be a good Human Being.  I did not want to Judge Him … but he did not know that.  I felt I never earned his Trust. I embraced the uncertainty and did not try to control it. He kept coming back which I took to show he did appreciate my approach. I wanted to Gain his Trust. I waited for him to be comfortable to share more. It never happened… It was in the Patient’s Hands. 

 

We are both the Patient and the Doctor.

 

Demons by Imagine Dragons

 

May 8, 2014

Another couple memories came to me after hearing a conversation in the locker room at the Club after my weekly swim. A young child was grabbed by what was reported as a 14 year old teenager, likely deranged. The child was OK but was grabbed around the neck causing a laceration. Turns out it was very near to where my parents used to live. Small world. One of the ladies I swim with was my parent’s neighbor. I always feel compassion for both of the parties involved when I hear a story like this. My attention piqued when one of the ladies started spiraling up in fear. She has prepubescent twins, one girl and one boy. She was worried for her daughter predominantly. Her rehearsed words echoed through the locker room. She had collected 5 or 6 sentences she wanted to drill into her daughter’s head. To my ear, teaching the young girl to be very afraid. She was not safe. I could not resist. I jumped in with the idea that being a Victim is an Energy, a State of Mind. Empowering a Child is what we want to do. Carry Yourself with Confidence when You Walk. Be Aware of Your Environment. Trust Your Gut. You will Know what To Do. I saw her Vigilance Deflate like a Balloon. She felt so much better. Yes!

 

Devil Inside by London Grammar (INXS cover). Slow and moody.
The purist will enjoy the original Devil Inside by INXS. Full on 80’s. Moves a lot faster.
Let your Mood Decide…

 

In my File Cabinet of Experiences: couple more.

 

First year Medical School, I had the brainchild that I would move out of the family home. It was prompted by an offer from an acquaintance. She lived one block from the University. Wow! I was living 40 minute bus ride in a suburb city so this sounded pretty cool. I chose wisely as this roommate quickly became my Best Friend. We did everything together. We shared a basement suite with only one bedroom. So we each had a single mattress laying on the floor. Too funny. A great contrast to my present luxuries and comfort. One fine evening we were strolling about, on our way home. A man approached us. It was only when he got very close that we noted he was wearing a Balaclava – winter hat that covers the face with eye and mouth holes. It was fall but not very cold yet. Strange. Worrisome. When he was nearly within arms length, he pulled his pants down to show us his erect penis. We had never seen that before! OK, I am kidding… Cool experience to my mind. Within a nanosecond, she and I were doing the 80 metre dash to our Home. I honestly do not think I have ever run faster. It felt Empowering to me to Feel My Body Kick into Gear when it needed to. It was not my perception that he chased us, but we were not slowing down to find out. Wearing that mask made us feel that he was up to no good. What was he capable of? In the end, I think he was just a flasher. I had noted that my friend looked a lot more terrified than I felt. Debriefing after the incident, she was not wearing her glasses and thought he had pulled a gun. Could not help laughing but who knows. Two different perceptions, one experience. I have no idea which of us was right. Odds were in my favor but Truth is Stranger than Fiction. We called the Police and then rode around in a cop car pulling guys off the street to see if one might be him. Quite funny. There is a first and last time for everything…

 

And yet… another memory sparked. I like this one. A great example of how feisty I used to be. I would probably handle this differently today…

 

I purchased my first home one year following completion of my Medical training. It was not a fancy house but it was all mine. My Ego just loved the idea of owning it on my own. Fierce Independence at all costs. I did not like living alone. Again, a family acquaintance was happy to share the house with me. Like before, became Best of Friends. She was a Bridesmaid at my wedding. It was a Blue Collar neighborhood – my Med School compadres looked down their noses at my choice.  Freedom 45 baby!  It was in my sights even then.

 

I have always maintained some level of Fitness:  greater and lesser at times. Jogging was a habit for many years of my life. One fine spring day, I decide to go for a jog. Fashionable Attire has always been a part of any and all sports that I partake in. This day, I chose a red spandex short going to mid thigh with a matching sleeveless shirt. Looking back, likely a nice view for the boys. I was pretty oblivious to that type of thing then. You don’t know what you’ve got until it is gone. I say lightly…I still Got Somethin’. Some brave teenaged boy comes up from behind on a bike and gives my ass a big slap. I am seeing red. I felt violated. I kicked that old adrenaline into gear. I wanted to catch that boy! I was going to teach him a lesson. Well, did I ever surprise him. He was not initially paying attention. I came within an arm’s length of him and just did not stop. Sprinty moments… I was keeping pace with him but could not quite catch him. Without thinking, but wanting desperately to give him some grief, I shouted, “I know your mom and I am going to tell her about this”. Yes. That just seemed right. Maybe he can tippy toe around his mom for the next couple of days. Ha ha. Or not. Who knows?

 

I think the laugh was really on me because I rarely jogged in that neighborhood after that. Certainly not wearing spandex…

 

My reaction being so dramatic, perhaps he made a daily habit of slapping joggers’ asses.

 

No Tell Motels – commonly found in Mexico. Wikipedia has an entry so you know it is a phenomenon. I only just heard about it. I hate being the last to know what is going on. Their raison d’etres is to allow for discreet sexual experiences. I heard about them from a family member who stayed in one. Well known to the value-oriented tourist. This was the story my family member is sticking with. No judgment here. You can rent the room by the hour. Garage parking is very discreet. Cash only. Many have infrastructure so that you need never see the eyes of an employee. I like this blog link as it shows pictures. Note the one with a metal contraption. Reminds me of the days of milkmen in my childhood. There was a little door outside the house joining to a small compartment between the walls where the milkman put the glass bottles of milk. An inside door to the same box existed for the consumer to take the milk and then put it in the fridge. Same with this metal thingy… They have three different room service menus. One is food and Viagra by the pill is offered on one of the others. You can fill in the blanks there. Porn is streaming upon entry. Furniture is suited to sexual activities. So interesting… When I hear things like this, it makes me realize that likely discreet sexual encounters are pretty normal…in Mexico. Are people any different in other locations? I doubt it. Just less infrastructure.

 

Don’t Judge Too Quickly – We Won’t

 

I see this collection of stories as an Invitation to Compassion. It is such a powerful energy. Compassion for Others and for Ourselves too. We are all doing our Best, and yet… What a Mess sometimes.

 

Hope you enjoyed this Smorgasbord of Gloriously Messy stuff.

 

Addendum: In my internet travels loosely researching for this story, I found a tasteful link showing pictures of nudity in public.  Seems it is gone now.  My search on this day does not find a tasteful example…yet there are many.  Explore if you are so inspired.  Gloriously Messy as always…

 

I was having drinks with a few ladies recently. One was new to the group but warmed up at light speed. She fit right in. It was not long before she was sharing something she generally keeps under wraps. Her and her boyfriend had been collecting tasteful nude photos of the two of them in public places. She even showed us a few. They Were Amazing!! They would make a great book. Such a cheeky way to show their personalities. I had already warmed to the idea before this lady shared her version. So I asked playfully, Who’s in? Everybody laughed. Pause. Crickets.

I get up and start undressing…right then and there. We were in my friend’s backyard so not that public. I was a little surprised that everyone was trying to talk me out of it. What about the neighbors? I just slowly continued undressing in front of my three friends.  Did not seem too big a deal. Then I scanned for a nice little Photo Op. Visited with the White Rabbit… and my friend’s Australian Cattle Dog, Aiko. An antique loose framed window was at hand.  The photo with me holding it in front of my Birthday Suit remains in my friend’s camera.  I have not seen it yet. I held up a large 2 foot diameter wire globe shaped ornament, appeared invisible so I drew in a Fun Face. I felt I had the Whole World in my bare hands.  I am nothing if not Entertaining…

 

Dancing Naked Stunt is a classy, stylized version of Naked in Public.  Beautiful!

 

I have added Naked Photos in Public to my Therapeutic List of Holistic Remedies.  I will want to do this with a little more creativity and flare, for sure. It is an Innocent return to my Natural State. What could be more Natural than My Birthday Suit? Basically Getting Outside My Comfort Zone is Good For Me. For some cultures, it is likely not too challenging. Why are many North Americans so uptight about their bodies and being naked?

 

Unconditional

Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss,
I gain the embrace of the Universe;
Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.

 

Each condition I flee from pursues me.
Each condition I welcome transforms me
And becomes itself transformed…

Jennifer Welwood

 

Started writing April 25, 2014

 

 

January 3, 2015
Teal Swan wrote an amazing article on Pedophilia.
I Paraphrase:  Judgment Obstructs Our Understanding.
Curiosity and a Willingness to remain Open Minded: Our Understanding Can Evolve.
Her Perspective has Resonated with me on nearly every Topic.  She Knocked this one Out of the Park.
We are born Whole, but that Wholeness is short lived because we are Relationally Dependent. Being born Relationally Dependent into Families that Socialize Us into a Society that is Not Fully Evolved Yet causes us to learn that some Aspects of Ourselves Are Acceptable, and Others Are Not. What is Acceptable vs. Unacceptable Depends on the Perspective of the Family You’re Born Into.
…
What is Innocence? Innocence is a lightness of being. It is a Worry Free State. It is a state where one has not compromised themselves or their morals in any way. There is a Purity to the State because in a State of Innocence, there is Nothing Obscuring our Light. Most people associate Innocence with Ignorance or with Weakness. Innocence is Neither of those things. When we Gain Knowledge, we Do Not have to Lose Innocence. This only occurs if the knowledge we gain causes us to move into a space of Pain or Fear. And Contrary to Popular Opinion, there is an Immense Bravery in Innocence. Innocence is a state of Openness. It is a Fundamentally Unafraid State.
Teal Scott

What She Said…

April 24, 2015
Had to share this Epic 4:22 minute video:  Understanding Other People:  The Five Secrets to Human Behavior
“It’s All About Me”.